


Land of Snow and Sorrow

by BrutalWarElf



Series: Winter Madness [1]
Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Depression, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sexual Dysfunction, Slow Build, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-03
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-21 18:28:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 85,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1559888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrutalWarElf/pseuds/BrutalWarElf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The World Tour after the events of Doomstar ends, and Toki is falling apart. His bandmates' inability to either care or communicate leaves him with no means to express his grief and anger over the horrors of being left to rot. The betrayal and abandonment he feels drives him away from Dethklok. In Norway the arms of winter welcome him home, but will he find his way in the long winter nights alone? The others try to patch up the band, but Skwisgaar slowly comes to the realisation that it's time that he played a supporting role for once.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What I've seen with these tired eyes

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to landofwastingtime and nursehelena for their concrit and support throughout the writing process - you guys are awesome!  
> For extra pain I recommend playing the entire Wintersun discography while reading this, because it has inspired me greatly.  
> 

The knock on his door that Toki had been dreading ever since he booked the flight to Hamar airport came the afternoon before his planned departure. He was haphazardly stuffing clothes into a duffel bag without much thought to how long he would be gone and what he would need. Boiling over with betrayal and anger, he just needed to get out of here as soon as humanly possible.

The rest of the items he planned to bring to Norway were already in a small pile by his door; the case with his Flying V, his laptop, headphones… He knew that of course Charles was going to get wind of his plans - that was his job - but that did not make having to explain them to him any easier. The World Tour had come to an end a week ago, but he could not feel any sort of accomplishment for having seen it through. It had been hell from start to finish, and he was at the end of his rope. The pressure of performing well under that duress had worn him out completely, as if the constant shouting, violence and flashing lights at the shows hadn't been enough to drive him crazy by stirring up one bad memory after another.

Back at Mordhaus he had hoped to find some peace of mind, some downtime to pal around with his bandmates. He had wanted to forget about it, and give the reason they had been touring around the world a rest, too. His friends weren't going to let him forget, however. They liked to brag about the brutality of their rescue mission, how heroic and gory it had been. Nathan had written everything he could remember down in his notebook so he could translate it into lyrics. He often pressed Toki for the gruesome details of his captivity so they could write an album about it. Toki was tired of feeling like a victim in a sensational thriller, his personality reduced to what he had been through. Even the extremely insensitive jokes that his bandmates sometimes levelled at him happened more frequently as they got over the abduction and he did not.

‘Toki? Ah, is it okay if I come in?’ Charles called through the heavy door.

‘Yeah, it’s cool.’ He mumbled, anger cooling. Charles was his anchor; he often had the power to stabilise Toki with a well-meant word.

Striding in with his no-nonsense attitude in place, he was ready to talk Toki out of his bullshit. Toki shot him a pleading look and he slowed in his tracks, turning to shut the door behind him. Charles surprised him by sitting down next to him on the edge of his bed. The manager’s lips were pressed into a thin line, conveying without words that he knew what Toki was planning and that he harboured ambivalent feelings about it.

‘So, ah, Norway?’ He regarded Toki sternly, prompting him to talk.

All his carefully prepared arguments forgotten, Toki picked at a cuticle. ‘I needs to get out of here a while, Charles.’

Arguing over a TV-show in the hot tub this morning William had suggested they hang Toki upside down a while for being too obnoxious about his opinion, as he had been so nice and quiet after the last time that happened. The mixed look of horror and hilarity on Skwisgaar's face while he tried to stifle a snort had punched him right though his gut. Toki could have taken it in stride if they would have been more supportive over the last year, but he was on his own when dealing with his lingering pain.

‘I feared as much.’ Charles took off his glasses and cleaned them with his tie. ‘I’m glad you waited until after the tour, even though we’ve been pushing you hard. Maybe I miscalculated that picking up work so soon would be helping you get back on track.’

The problem was not necessarily the work. What ate at him most was that he had no way of expressing his grief and existential loneliness except in scheduled therapy sessions and substance abuse. He had his friends close at all times, but he felt so infinitely far removed from them because of their inability to either care or communicate. Continuing like this was not an option. He needed to take a step back until the passing of time would enable him to bury it and carry on with his life.

‘Yeah, I thought I woulds just take a little break.’ There was no way to convey his motivations without sounding pathetic.

‘Why didn’t you tell the others?’ Charles asked. ‘I would say that Skwisgaar at least would want to know.’

Toki ignored the offhand remark. Skwisgaar rarely approved of anything he did. The less he knew the better. 

‘I don’ts know, really.’ To be honest, he did not tell anyone because he was a coward, and because he did not want to see them take the news of his departure with indifference.

‘Is there anything I can do to make you reconsider? Anything at all? I’d be happy to get you whatever you need if it will make you stay.’

‘No, thanks you, Charles. I woulds rather just go.’ Toki said.

‘Very well. Let me take you to the airport. Are you, ah, going to Hamar in those clothes?’ Charles eyed the pile of shirts and cargos on his table.

‘Lillehammer.’ He corrected.

Charles shook his head faintly. ‘I’ll see you tonight.’

Saying goodbye to Charles was hard, and Toki was glad he had decided not to say anything to the others. In the car to the airport his manager had presented him with some sensible, high-end outdoor winter wear, which he demonstratively stuffed into Toki’s duffel when he declined. The deep blue hooded parka with a tiny emblem of the Norwegian flag did not fit in the bag, and Charles fixed Toki with an unwavering stare until he put it on over his t-shirt. 

Charles stood by solemnly as Toki checked in his bags at Scandinavian Airlines, the collar of his long wool overcoat turned up against the November chill.

‘Take care, Toki. Keep in touch, and whenever you’re ready I’ll come and take you back to Mordhaus.’

Toki nodded, biting his lip. He did not feel particularly good about parting with his manager after he had been so understanding and considerate. Charles opened his arms subtly, and Toki launched himself into the stiff but well-meant embrace.

‘You’s the best, Charles. I’ll miss you.’

 

*******

The heavy iron collar bit into his neck as he strained to reach for the dog bowl. Faint light gleamed off the metal rim, but there was no telling what was inside. He had not had any food in days, and he could feel his muscles aching with the speed at which his body burned through his tissue to stay alive. The endless confinement only made the cramps worse. One more inch was all he needed, but the chain pulled taut.

‘Magnus,’ he croaked, ‘please, I’m so hungrys. Abigails too-’

There was no answer save for a flash of teeth in the murky darkness.

Shifting on his skinned knees to stretch the remaining distance, he closed the tops of his fingers around the rim of the bowl. A wave of relief washed over him, and he looked back at Abigail’s hollow face. He was going to make sure she got something to eat, first.

The foot kicking the bowl from his grasp came out of nowhere, but he should have been ready for anything at this point in his captivity. The senseless cruelty of making him hope against hope before crushing it was Magnus’ favourite pastime while he minded his prisoners.

Hopeless rage pushed tears down his cheeks.

‘Whats do I has to do to make you gives us foods?’ Steadying his voice with difficulty he tried bargaining once more.

‘Depends, what are you offering?’ Magnus sounded amused.

‘Anything! Just tells me whats you wants!’ He shouted, voice cracking.

‘I’ve got you right where I want, buddy, but I don’t think you’re quite desperate enough.’

Magnus retreated into the shadows, a heavy door falling shut behind him.

‘Abigails, I’m sorry, I -’ He crawled back over to her, chain slackening and falling to the ground with a rattle.

‘Don’t worry, sweetie, you tried.’ She reached up stiffly to put an arm around him. ‘Forget about it, try to sleep. It’s the best way to get through the days. Go dream about something happy instead.’ She smoothed his filthy hair away from his face as he sagged against her chest.

Abigail was a hero. She was the unlikely source of comfort during his darkest days, her gentle words and touches a balm for his soul.

Waking to tangled sheets gnashing his teeth, it took him a while to let go of the dream and regain his bearing. His sweats were soaked through and the icy air in his cramped bedroom seeped into his skin as he sat up. The alarm clock read 8.30 AM, but it was still dark. He sighed. The charms of Norwegian winter. It was late November. He had been out of captivity for a year and two months. He was safe. The helplessness, however, was still fresh. Perhaps he should call Abigail again some time. She seemed to be dealing with their experiences with more resilience and strength than he could muster. Talking to her usually helped to a certain degree.

Lying back down on his pillow he ran a hand across his face, weighing the merits of getting up. He had no real reason to get out of bed if he did not count the faint hunger gnawing at his insides and the cold biting at his nose and fingers. He was still in doubt whether coming here had been the best or worst possible course of action he could have chosen. Isolating himself in a cabin in the mountains of his homeland was not doing him a whole lot of good so far. He had intended to come here and enjoy the peace and quiet of the mountains, take long walks in the snow and see the northern lights, but in reality he had not stepped outside the cabin once. It had been three weeks.

He missed the buzz of Mordhaus and the company of his bandmates like a hole in the head even though they were jerks. Sure, there was little enough to trigger him here, but there was no distraction from his own mind either. Maybe he just needed more time. This wasn't going to go away overnight, and his therapist had warned him that the first weeks without anti-depressants would be rough.

The grey light of dawn slowly brightened on his face while he made five aborted attempts to get up. The urge to relieve himself was what eventually made him swing his legs across the edge of the bed. Shuffling to the bathroom in his thick socks, he pulled the hood of his sweater vest over his head and stuffed the ends of his long, unkempt hair in. It was cold enough that he considered turning on the heating.

A text message from Nathan came in while he waited for coffee to filter into the pot.

_From: Nathan Explosion_

_Hey Toki can u let us know what ur planning cause were sorta in limbo with u outta the picture._

That was a good question, but he had no plan. There was no way he could see himself getting back onstage or doing public appearances any time soon, but quitting was so final. He had no idea what to say, so he put replying off until later.

There were no more clean mugs in the cupboards, but yesterday’s cup did not look too bad. He did not even bother rinsing it under the tap before he poured himself some coffee and took the mug into the sitting room. The cold air in there made him acutely aware of how bad he smelled. A shower and a change of clothes was not so much a luxury as a necessity at this point; he had been wearing these clothes for the better part of five days.

Glancing around the generic interior of the cabin he was renting from a local, his eyes were inevitably drawn to his guitar leaning against the sofa. Away from prying eyes and constant criticism he was slowly but surely working himself up to playing his instrument for his own enjoyment again. Setting his mug on the coffee table he picked up his Flying V, dusting it lovingly with his sleeve. It wasn’t to blame for his musical grievances. He would shower after he was done playing, he promised himself before sliding headphones over his ears and plugging in the jack. He had favoured his old black and white model over his signature Snow Falcon when he had packed because he was a sentimental idiot - and because too many bad memories tainted the all-white guitar.

The clean sound of the e-tuning was almost a relief from the usual drop-c distortion when he struck a random chord, and his coffee grew tepid on the table while he worked his way through a series of Bach variations.

Downing his shitty brew with reluctance, he gathered his resolve to take a shower. Maybe he could even open the curtains if he put on some regular clothes. Or open a window, though it was probably below zero. The water took a million years to heat, but once it did, showering felt surprisingly good. Why did he keep putting simple things like this off for so long? It was getting pretty ridiculous.

There was no more conditioner, so he teased the tangles out of his waist-length hair under the running water. It took so long that the hot water ran out just before he finished, and as he shivered under the rapidly cooling spray he swore to himself he would not let it come this far next time.

Rifling through his closet he forewent his customary blue shirt and cargos in favour of the sensible winter wear he had shoved off to the side. When he finally got around to opening the curtains and window in his smelly bedroom he noticed it was not a bad day for a hike. There was only a foot of fresh snow so far, and the lightly overcast sky did not look particularly threatening. 

He emptied a can of soup into a small pan and put it on the stove to warm, accidentally letting it boil over while he got distracted playing guitar. By the time he had eaten and straightened out the kitchen it was already darkening outside. His hike would have to wait until tomorrow, but having showered and done the dishes in one day felt like a victory. 

Watching cartoons on his laptop for lack of better things to do, he got another text message. His heart skipped a beat when he read the sender ID.

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_Toki dids you gets the message from Nathans?_

Nothing more; no ‘how are you’, not even a greeting. Letting out a disappointed sigh, he threw his phone next to him on the sofa. He had completely forgotten about replying to Nathan’s message. Cracking open a can of beer he pushed down the faint anxiety rising in his gut and continued staring at the cartoons with unseeing eyes. He was especially disappointed in Skwisgaar. Was the close friendship Toki had always felt for him completely one-sided? Had the slightest brush with adversity erased all the laughter, the pranks, the fights and all their shared experiences? The more he drank the less of a grip he had on his feelings, and the anger and abandonment hit him full force by the time he opened a bottle of Vodka.

It had taken those assholes weeks to decide whether or not they could be arsed to get him out of Magnus’ hands, and now they were pressuring him to make up his mind about the band while they had all the time in the world? They really did not give two shits about what he was going through, did they?

He had been so immensely hurt when he had discovered that his bandmates had been partying around the world while he and Abigail wasted away in a filthy prison. Charles had had the Klokateers work tirelessly, but the only ones at Mordhaus who had something valuable to contribute to the search had not felt the need to step up. If the positions were reversed Toki would have moved heaven and earth to find them, but then again, he had always cared more about them than the other way around. Their tiptoeing around him after they had eventually found the balls to pull him from his personalised hell had faded over the course of the year, and they no longer treated him like a nuke that could go off any time. However, none of them went back to treating him like before, when they would just hang out or pal around without it being awkward. 

Drawing a deep breath, Toki set his laptop aside carefully before picking up one of the empty cans of beer and hurling it across the room with a roar. He had such a bottomless well of rage inside him. Why did this sort of shit always happen to ruin the few good things he had in life? When the can bounced off the wall and hit the floor he grabbed his phone. It took a while for his clumsy drunk fingers to get all the members of Dethklok in the recipients’ box, and he cursed like a sailor until he got it right.

_To: Nathan Explosion, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Pickles, William Murderface_

_Goes aheads and finds someone else. I fuckins quits._

He was done investing in these assholes. They could go fuck themselves.

 

 


	2. It leaves me so hollow

Offdensen made a beeline for him when they crossed paths in the hallway late at night. He looked cold, a slight mist of rain clinging to the fine wool of his overcoat. His brow was furrowed with worry. Skwisgaar halted, levelling a questioning gaze at him, unable to contain his curiosity even though he knew Offdensen was perpetually worried about something or other. Dethklok did not exactly make his job easy.

‘Skwisgaar, step into my office, if you please. I’ve got some, ah, news that I don’t want to spring on you right here.’ Offdensen sounded drained, his usual self-possession wavering.

‘Ja, shores.’ He nodded in acceptance. How many women would have banded together to sue him for breeding them this time? Or would it be something unrelated, given the hour Offdensen had chosen to talk to him? The only time he recalled having a late-night meeting with the manager was when they had all been up waiting for Toki to return home from joyriding with that dildo clown. Where was Toki anyway? He had not seen him since he had stormed out of the pool that morning. 

Offdensen gestured towards the massive chair across from his desk, and Skwisgaar sat down gingerly, the expensive leather creaking. A Klokateer helped Offdensen out of his coat, and he took his time pouring brandy into a pair of elegant glasses. That did not bode well for Skwisgaar. A nervous tingle in his gut almost caused him to snap at Offdensen to spit it out already. He held the offered glass clutched in his lap while he waited for the manager to sit down and hit him with whatever he had to say.

‘I, ah, don’t know how to say this, but I just brought Toki to the airport. He’s going to Norway for a while.’ Taking off his glasses, Offdensen rubbed his tired eyes with both his hands.

‘Whats, like families visits?’ Skwisgaar hazarded even though that did not make sense.

Toki rarely had contact with anyone outside Dethklok. Then again, what else would he be doing in Norway?

‘He didn't mention going to stay with his mother. I’m not entirely sure what he’s looking for there, but it seems to me that he’s, ah, seeking isolation to work out some of his… issues.’ Offdensen informed him delicately. He seemed at a loss how to explain the things he had gleaned from Toki’s behaviour.

‘Pffft.’

Skwisgaar really did not know what to say to that. Dealing with Toki’s private crap was beyond him. That got too personal too quickly; Toki had a way of sweeping him up in his intense emotions. He felt a little sorry for Offdensen, because he knew how Toki could get when he was upset. Generally, it made him violent, catatonic or drunk, and having to reason with him in such a state was impossible. Skwisgaar asked the only relevant question he could think of.

‘So, when ams he comings back?’

‘He didn’t say.’

What was that undercurrent in his voice? Offdensen was taking this way too seriously. They did not have any public appearances scheduled for the coming three months, and Toki was no use in the writing process anyway, so the Dethklok imperium would not miss him.

‘He will comes back soons, I bet.' He said optimistically. 'Nothing goods about winters in Norways. It ams miserable bullshits.’

Tilting his glass to his lips, he swallowed down the pinprick of pity he felt for Toki shouldering the weight of his problems alone in that bleak fucking land. The lack of proper daylight alone was incentive enough to drink yourself into a stupor every day, and Toki never could handle alcohol.

‘So why’s you tellings me dis?’ He asked for good measure.

‘I think that Toki really needs to hear that somebody, ah, cares about him.’ Offdensen chose his words carefully.

‘Agains, why tells _me_ dis?’ Skwisgaar repeated flatly.

Why did people always come to him about Toki? It’s not like he signed up to be his nanny. Sure, they were probably the closest of the Dethklok members, but that was not saying a whole lot. Sometimes it got a little old to look after Toki like a younger brother he never wanted. _“Skwisgaar, where is Toki? What is Toki saying? Can you talk to Toki about -”_

‘What I wanted to ask of you is if you could call him some time, or, ah, text him. Let him know he’s not, in fact, on his own.’ Asking this of Skwisgaar took a lot out of Offdensen, he could tell.

‘We gots a rules against showing interests, carings or intravenings in de others’ lifes.’ He offered the age-old excuse to not get involved with the others.

‘Well, I’ve always thought that rule was extremely stupid, I’m sorry. But if you want to stand by and watch Toki crash and burn, fine.’

Offdensen stood up, face drawn in irritation. For the manager’s standards, he might as well have been seething. The slip of his professional mask was a wordless dismissal to Skwisgaar. 

‘Why ams dis on me?’ He said indignantly as he rose to leave, distantly aware that he did sound like a petulant older sibling. ‘Lets Nathan or Pickle does it, or Moidaface! Dey ams hims bandmates, too, you knows.’

‘I think you know why this is on you, but if you don’t, I would advise you to think about it all the same. Good night, Skwisgaar.’ 

 

*******

'Guys, what do you think about this business with Toki? I think we’ve given him enough time to sulk around. It’s been more than a fucking year. All in favour of getting him to make up his fucking mind?’ Nathan gathered the remaining Dethklok members around him when the last chords died away.

Another day, another smooth, effortless rehearsal with just the four of them. Today had been marked by a complete absence of complaints, mistakes, fights and hardware malfunctions. In fact, no one had said anything unnecessary. His guitar had sounded perfect, crystal clear, and had been better audible than ever without Toki fumbling his way through the songs, so why did he still feel like he had just lost a limb?

There was a complete communication blackout since Toki had taken a jet to Norway out of the blue, drawing the life from Mordhaus and leaving an oppressive silence in his wake. In truth, the life had been gone from Mordhaus ever since Toki had been kidnapped, but at least he had still been around and sort of functioning like a human being for the past year. It had been an endless relief to have him back - it would never have worked to try and forget about him by burying themselves in decadence - even though Toki had not been the same ever since. 

Pickles and Murderface nodded their assent to Nathan’s suggestion before everyone turned to him.

‘Come on Skwisgaar, you’ve held off moving on long enough. Say something.’

‘Ja, wells, I guess I woulds haves expected him to comes crawlings back by now.’ He admitted.

He would never have guessed that Toki could stand being in his own for this long, since he normally looked to the other guys to order his life.

‘Okay, I’ll send him a text and see where his head is at. Skwisgaar, I want you to consider the possibility of holding auditions. You might not want to think about it, but there’s a chance he isn’t coming back, you know that, right?' Nathan held up a finger to stifle Skwisgaar's protests. 'You can do it your way, but we definitely need a second guitarist or we can throw away our entire repertoire.’

‘Ja, alrights.’ He conceded quickly in order to shut down the topic.

Fuck that, he was not going to think about replacing Toki. It was complete bullshit. Toki would come back to half-ass his parts and there would be no need to hire a new guitarist. They all needed their time apart from the band occasionally. Toki had had a rough year, but that was no reason to lock himself inside some cabin in Fuckoff, Norway for the rest of his life.

‘Lets me know whats he says.’ He called after Nathan before pulling the jack from his Thunderhorse and taking his guitar to his room.

Sometimes he was not sure if he could stop his compulsive playing even if he wanted to. They had just finished a three-hour rehearsal, and here he was, still shredding away silently. Whatever. It kept him on top of his game. His thoughts involuntarily strayed towards having auditions to replace Toki. In a completely hypothetical situation, how difficult would it be to find another guitarist with a comparable skill level? There were probably enough out there for him to choose from, he thought bleakly. He would not want anyone who surpassed Toki in his mastery of the guitar because that would be an outright threat, but he could not hack playing with anyone who was worse either. The selection process would probably be the end of him.

Finding Toki had been such a stroke of luck on Dethklok’s part. Skwisgaar had defeated all opposition and had been ready to shoulder the guitar work himself - until that kid had walked in. He had been Skwisgaar’s polar opposite; filthy, unkempt and insecure. Funnily enough it had been Skwisgaar’s choice to take him in after the others had dismissed him. Indulging him because he felt a little sorry for him and because he made such an enthusiastic speech, Skwisgaar had not expected to meet his match in so many ways. Toki had stood out because he had not tried to be better than Skwisgaar like the others, but had fallen into his role of supporting him from the start, anticipating what he needed and providing just that. Making him better, in essence. Where was he ever going to find such a one in a million player in a world of narcissistic assholes like himself?

Perhaps he should take Offdensen's advice and check in on him after all.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~Hej pals, how ams you~~ _

_~~Toki, comes back you dildo~~ _

It was so hard to find the right thing to say. What if Toki was not at all interested in his dumb small talk? He would work through his problems and come back, it was just a matter of time. Skwisgaar could give him that. No need to beg.

 

*******

Spending the night high as a kite with a trio of groupies had proven a good distraction from waiting for Toki to reply to Nathan’s message, but there was still no news on that front at the breakfast table. He needed some more coffee. It was too early in the afternoon to be worrying. Shifting in his seat, he pulled out his phone under the table.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~Hej dildo, how ams Norways?~~ _

_~~How’s you dealins with-~~ _

_~~Ams it okay if I calls~~ _

Delete. What could he say without triggering the wrong feelings? What was appropriate? Skwisgaar did not know how it felt to go through hell and back, and therefore he had no right to want to talk about it. He did not want to be nosy and intrusive like Nathan, because he could see it made Toki uncomfortable, but there was nothing to work with since Toki did not volunteer information either. It was messed up. How long had they known each other? More than a decade if he remembered correctly, so why was it still so hard to talk to him?

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_Toki dids you gets de message from Nathans?_

He settled for something neutral to get a conversation started. No point in beating around the bush, though he did wonder what Toki was up to. Not playing guitar - that was for sure. He smiled to himself at the running joke that Toki never practiced, but then he remembered seeing the Snow Falcon gather dust in a corner when he had gone through Toki’s stuff shortly after he left. 

The table was laden with glazed donuts and cinnamon buns, sugary cereals and all the things Toki usually forewent in favour of something healthier. Glancing between the untouched bowl of fruit and the pastries he shrugged almost apologetically as he fished a cupcake from a platter.

They were all gearing up for rehearsal when their phones went off. The four consecutive message alerts left an ominous silence. Grimacing at the others, he pulled his phone from his back pocket with horrible sense of foreboding.

_From: Toki Wartooth_

_Goes aheads and finds someone else. I fuckins quits._

‘Did you all get the same message?’ Nathan looked up from his phone.

‘Yeeuh, he’s quittin’. Aww, kid must be really outta it.’ Pickles commented.

‘He’sch a total baschket casche, that’sch what. Well, I’ll schleep a lot easchier with him permanently gone.’ Murderface said.

‘Skwisgaar? Hey.’ Nathan gripped his shoulder.

‘If you don’ts minds, I… woulds be bys myself for a moments?’ English was always harder when his throat clenched up like this.

He put down his guitar and walked to his room, unable to tear his eyes away from the message. Blindly feeling for the door handle he stumbled inside to sit on the edge of his bed. Toki quit. He fucking quit. What could possibly be so bad that he wanted to throw away his entire career, everything he had worked for, his only friends? The message sounded so angry. Things had been weird between all of them after the abduction, but he honestly had no idea what he should have done differently. Toki had never seemed in the mood to pal around anymore, and Skwisgaar had no idea how to handle a serious talk. Perhaps what he had initially regarded as a newfound maturity on Toki’s part was more likely an inability to carry on with his regular life. But Skwisgaar could not fix that for him, he had to find his own way.

This was unacceptable. Should he step in and convince Toki to change his mind, or would no one benefit from that level of meddling? Toki complained often enough about how controlling Skwisgaar could be. Was it time to respect his decision for once?

Resting his face in his hands he took a deep breath. The others were waiting for him to come back for rehearsal, he should go.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~Toki, why~~ _

_~~Ams there anything I~~ _

_~~Please don’t~~ _

Forget it.

 

‘Hey Skwisgaar, I don’t want to be a dick about it, but did you think about those auditions yet? I mean, I sorta saw this coming with that little weirdo. And we were just talking - the sooner we get a new guy the better, right?’ Nathan pressed.

‘Cans we talks about dat after practise? Let’s gets dat out of de way forst.’

To be honest, he wanted to get high and not deal with this at all. He could not let them see him take this with anything but his customary stoicism; being upset in public was for ladies.

His playing started off solid and powerful, calling on his indignation and a snaking tendril of anger to fuel his shredding, but remaining in that headspace caused him to tie his playing to his emotions, eventually missing notes and playing the wrong riffs over the drums. The missing rhythm parts felt like phantom pain now that Toki was not coming back. That phantom pain was going to get covered up by fitting a prosthetic limb, if the others had their way. Why did good bands always have to go to shit like this? 

The others fell silent, regarding him with apprehension. He tilted his chin, challenging them to address his mistakes, and said nothing.

‘Why don’t we call it a day? I think we’re all a bit distrected.’ Pickles suggested.

Skwisgaar silently thanked him for the suggestion. He left his guitar in the rehearsal studio and wandered out. Pickles caught up to him in the hallway and gave him a nudge with his elbow.

‘Dood, whaddaya say we take a couple pills and relehx the rest of the day?’

He nodded, following Pickles to his room.

‘I cehn’t say I’m surprised, with the way Toki’s been since… ya know? I never really could git on a level with ‘im, but lately…’ Pickles trailed off with a sigh, opening his door.

Pickles’ room was a classic example of organised chaos. The clutter added extra confusion to all the clashing animal prints and creepy taxidermies, but Pickles immediately found what he was looking for.

‘I got XTC reight here, this is Ritalin, Vehlium…’ Pickles rattled off as he shoved an assortment of sachets under his nose that could stock a small pharmacy. ‘What time is it even? Oh, who cehres.’ Twisting the cap off a bottle of whiskey he downed some XTC with a practiced movement.

Skwisgaar pried two Diazepam out of a small zip-lock bag and took the bottle from Pickles’ hand.

‘Thanks you, Pickle. You knows, I just can’ts stands the ideas of -’ He took a long drink to wash the pills down.

‘Losing Toki?  Yeah, I think I git it, yew guys -’

‘Was goings to say workings with some other dumb dildo.’ Pickles was right, but it sounded so melodramatic when he said it like that.

‘Heh. I’ll tell ye one thing: we’re gahnna do a cehreful screening this time, not jehst take in any homeless kid with a million issues just becehse he plays alright.’

‘Ja, Toki gots a lots of problems.’

He let himself fall back on Pickles’ bed. He couldn't care less about a possible replacement.

‘I mean, he prahbebly had the most fucked-up childhood of us all, never got over that. How could we have expected him teh function in the behnd if he’s never hed a normal life before us? And now Magnus has done a number on him that must’ve been a nice lil’ reminder of his dehd.’

‘Ja, you’s right. Gots to finds someones more stables.’ He agreed shallowly, uncomfortable as hell to discuss this with Pickles.

Skwisgaar had spoken to Toki about his dad once, after asking about the scars on his back. It had been one of the most painful conversations of his life. Thinking about it still twisted a knife in his gut. Skwisgaar had not had an easy childhood either, but the periods of poverty and neglect did not compare to that kind of abuse.

‘I dunno dood, personally I never gaht what it is about him thet makes people wanna abuse ‘im. I mean, if it was just his dehd - that shit hehppens - but Magnus, too. Why is thet?’ Pickles wondered.

‘How woulds I knows?’

‘Well, why d’ _yew_ do it?’ Pickles asked.

‘I haves nevers hit him in my life!’ Skwisgaar struggled upright to level a murderous glare at Pickles for suggesting something like that. They brawled on occasion, but Toki always had the upper hand due to his physical strength. 

‘Nah, you abuse him verbally and emotionally, which is just as behd, only less visible.’ Pickles grimaced.

‘Tokis cans handles critcisisms if dats whats you means. He ams a big boy.’ He protested.

Pickles shook his head.

‘Didn’t bring ye here to shit ahll over ye, but the lest time I saw Toki ‘njoy playing guitehr was when yew were in Swed’n. Just sayin’.’

Skwisgaar decided to ignore the last part of their conversation, washing away Pickles words with another gulp of whiskey. Fuck that. He just wanted Toki to be the best he could, second only to himself. 

‘Gahd, I’m gahnna miss him a little, though. Did he tell ye what he was gahnna do in Norway?’ Pickles assumed he was constantly aware of Toki's comings and goings, too, then.

Skwisgaar shook his head. Silence stretched between them as they spaced out.

‘Oh, dood. I jehst remembered sahmthin I gahtta talk teh Nath’n about.’ Pickles hopped from the bed like a coiled spring, the XTC kicking in. 

‘Hm.’ He did not care enough to ask.

‘Yew just gahnna lie there?’ Pickles bounced on his toes.

‘Ja.’

‘Alright. See ye later.’ In a flash of red dreadlocks he was out the door.

With the help of valium most of his thoughts slid off him like water, but the disbelief that Toki would just leave him hanging like this persisted. Trace amounts of that feeling filtered through the haze, and led him to pick up his phone again.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~Don’ts be a dick~~ _

_~~Why woulds you does this to me~~ _

_You can’ts be serious. Dethklok ams you life! What’s you even goings to does without us?_

Who was going to look out for Toki now? At least Skwisgaar had always had his back - or had been on his back, if Pickles’ words bore any truth. Maybe Toki was dying to get away from that, from him. This was probably for the best, then. Toki would go off to be a regular jack-off on his own, and Dethklok would find a rhythm guitarist who fit in a bit more comfortably with the rest of them. God, but he hated that idea with the fire of a thousand hells.

Passing out, he dreamt of digging through drifts of snow in search of his guitar, but the instrument was nowhere to be found.

 

 

 


	3. The more pain I feel the more I see

Toki’s dreams never made sense when he was drunk - which was a blessed relief - but when he woke up on the couch with a sore neck and a massive hangover he remembered why he took the risk of nightmares in stride most days. The years spent excessively drinking with Dethklok had eventually taught him how to effectively hold back his puke until he reached the nearest toilet, bucket or sink, but he had never become as resistant to alcohol as Pickles or Nathan, and he would never not disgusted by the process of throwing up.

Puking his guts out in the toilet left him sweaty and shivering. Much to his dismay, he had gotten some in his hair, but taking a shower might as well be classified as a herculean task as far as his body was concerned. His stomach stopped roiling after half an hour on the cold tiles, and gradually the desire to wash the chunks out of his hair won him over.

Making coffee in his clean kitchen helped clear his head a little. He wondered if his message had arrived yet, and if so, how it had been received. The most likely scenario was with indifference all around, and possibly a small celebration in Skwisgaar’s case. This would be a good opportunity for him to monopolize the guitar parts or finally hire someone better, he thought bitterly.

With a heavy heart he sank back on the couch and picked up his phone. He had two new messages.

_From: Nathan Explosion_

_Okay, good luck buddy. Nathan, Pickles and Murderface too I guess_

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_You can’ts be serious. Dethklok ams you life! What’s you even goings to does without us?_

What was he going to do, indeed? He had not really thought that through, so he did not text back. It was not like he ever had to work again for financial reasons, but that was probably not what Skwisgaar meant. He had no other contacts except his mother, Charles and that coked-out clown Dr Rockso, who occasionally called when he needed Toki to get him out of a tight spot. Without Dethklok he was nothing, but he could not see this play out any other way.

It started snowing outside while he lay unmoving on the couch. If beer had not proven so hard to clean off the walls he would have liked to vent his aggression some more. Instead, he watched the snowflakes drift until it became too dark to make them out. Another day had gone by without him leaving the house. He was determined not to look at the time when he headed for bed.

The window in his bedroom had been open since yesterday, and a flurry of snow covered half of his duvet, but he could not summon the energy to care about it. Snapping the window shut against the eastern wind he grabbed his pillow, dusted the ice crystals off and took it back to the couch. The boiler began buzzing as he cranked up the heat to settle in for the night. He had slept in worse places, like rat infested dungeons. The couch would do fine, no need to think about that.

 

*******

Despite the fact that it was nearing three PM and dusk was on the verge of setting in, Toki had decided he would finally take that hike today. The omnipresent layer of snow reflected enough of the weak afternoon light to make going outside doable. There was nothing more to do than whatever he fancied, so he tugged on his combat boots and parka and headed out with no real goal in mind. The decision to quit the band had been extremely painful - like hacking off his entire hand to get out of what was chaining him down - but he felt freer for it. No one was looking over his shoulder now, he was financially independent... Perhaps in time he would see that this decision was not as awful and wrong as it seemed at this point in time.

The cold biting at his hands and face sent him briefly back inside for a pair of gloves and a hat. He pushed the damp ends of his hair under his hat so they would not freeze and break off, and wriggled his fingers inside the gloves while he crunched through the fresh powder. When had he become such a pussy about the cold? He remembered working outside in his shorts in below zero weather when he was a kid. At least he had been tough back then - tough enough to eventually run away and survive on the streets, though that was in all likelihood not what his parents had intended to forge him into.

The trail outside his cabin forked after a couple of hundred meters; one branch leading down to the road to Lillehammer, the other leading up the mountain through a pine forest. The trees looked austere in the dying light of day, more black than green in contrast with the snow crusting the branches. The tranquil silence of the forest was occasionally punctuated by snow falling heavily to the ground as a bird took flight. His home life had not exactly left him with happy memories of his youth in these forests, but he felt hopelessly attracted to their majestic, icy beauty. The towering pines in their cold dead slumber suited his mood, somehow. Winter up here was a bleak and lonely affair, but it was peaceful, in a way. The sloping path up the mountain brought his thoughts back around to his childhood home and his parents.  He wondered, not for the first time, what they had been trying to achieve by raising him this way. The majority of the chores his parents had assigned him made no sense now that he was older, nor did the punishments that they set for his perceived transgressions. Stacking the firewood had been useful, but sweeping the snowbanks in random places and carrying crates filled with rocks was just something he could not wrap his head around when he looked back with a new frame of reference in place. A frame of reference that did not merely include what his parents told him and what the Bible said, anyway. At the time it had made sense to obey his parents no matter what they asked of him, because that was what good children did, and he had wanted so badly to be good. 

Stumbling under the weight, he dropped the crate from his shoulders. The rough wood scratched his bare arms and legs on the way down. He needed a moment to catch his breath, which burned cold in his throat and lungs. The snow melted into icy water around his knees while he hastily picked up the rocks that had fallen out of the crate. His father’s cloak cast an impressive shadow as his heavy footfalls approached, and Toki’s hammering heart missed a beat as he looked up to meet his father’s steely gaze. The vow of silence his parents had taken never hindered them in conveying their displeasure.

The detached disgust with which Aslaug surveyed Toki was always worse than the whippings. The Bible from which his mother taught him to read often spoke about fathers loving their sons, and he dreamt of the day that he would make his father proud enough to love him. So far his efforts fell short, but he would keep trying, cherishing the ideals of unconditional love that the vellum pages presented. 

He took off his shirt swiftly to receive his punishment. If he took it like a man, perhaps his father would not send him to the punishment hole. He managed not to duck away until his father had meted out ten lashes, but there was no stopping his cries from escaping once the braided leather bit into his skin. The combination of the impact knocking the breath from him and the skin splitting under the blows was excruciating, but he could endure it to win his father’s love one day.

Hanging from the wall by manacles, his bones ached with a combination of growing pains and hard labour. The scrapes on his legs and the welts on his back burned like hellfire, but the worst was his father closing the punishment hole overhead with the wrought iron lid.

‘Far!’ He shrilled. ‘Ikke forlat meg her! I’ll do anything! I can be good, I swear!’

Chains rattled as he struggled uselessly, despair bursting forth from inside his chest as he howled without regard for the consequences. His father preached a merciful and just God, but there was no such sentiment to be found in the way he treated his son. Toki struggled to keep holding on to his faith despite his hardships, like Joseph in his exile in Egypt. One day, things would be better. God would provide. The meek would inherit the earth. He repeated it like a mantra in his head.

‘Father!’ He screamed again, and he was not sure if it was aimed at Aslaug or at God.

His voice was too small to do the depths of his pain justice, and screaming brought him no relief.

The sound of his hoarse voice caused a scrawny raven to take wing in front of him, calling him back to the present with the flapping of its wings. Sitting back on his heels, Toki ripped off a glove and plunged his hand into the collar of his jacket to scratch at the tingling scars on his back. It was over; his father could not hurt him anymore. Aslaug had been dead for three years. He could not hurt him anymore. He was dead. No more punishment hole, no more whippings. It was over. Breathe.

He had never given up on that lofty ideal of unconditional love, and he tried to give it where he could, but as the years crept by without receiving any in return he began to fear that maybe his parents had been right all along. Perhaps he was still not worthy, or never would be. He was not drunk enough for these kinds of revelations.

The thin forest returned to its lifeless silence. The lone raven was now perched on a branch overhead. There had not been an overabundance of silence in his life the last couple of years, but it caught up to him quickly. Pushing up out of the snow, he turned around to walk back to his cabin. He had not strayed very far; less than two kilometres, he estimated, but it was a start. He used to be so tough - when had he stopped? Had it been his soft life with Dethklok, or had his captivity been the last straw?

Brushing that thought away along with the powder snow on his knees, he stepped back inside his cabin. The temperature inside was pleasant, but he only bothered to take off his snow boots to put them on the rack near the door before he launched himself at the couch.

The nylon of his jacket rustled as he threw his gloves and hat on the side table. His hair crackled with static electricity as it fell free in tangled clumps. One of these days he had to invest in a set of hair ties. He put them on his mental grocery list, which meant that he would almost certainly forget them the next time he would make a supply run in Lillehammer. There were not a whole lot of pizzas in his freezer anymore and he was running low on coffee, too, but he could definitely last another week.

Playing guitar in his parka was a no-go, Toki found out when he picked up his Flying V. He shed the coat awkwardly and tuned to drop C as swiftly as he could. Practicing some of the harder Dethklok songs might help chase away the ever-present reminders of his innate worthlessness. Then again, according to Skwisgaar his playing was just as worthless as the rest of him. 

He wondered if Skwisgaar used shredding as a coping mechanism, too. All the superfluous hours he clocked on his guitar did hint at something like that. Nobody went through life that stony and quiet without having something eating at him. Usually Toki would settle for watching Skwisgaar play to empty his thoughts, but this worked like a charm. There was no room for reliving his childhood with the amount of concentration it took to work his way through the Dethwater songs, but it did not stop him from keenly missing the presence of his bandmates. Imagining their parts in his mind did nothing to allay the loneliness.

 

*******

‘… moving on to the audition videos, ah, I’ve provided the videos of applicants that passed the background checks you requested. Nathan and Pickles, you have picked a number of guitarists you want to invite. How do you want to proceed with the selection process?’

Skwisgaar shot up in his chair. He had tuned the manager out as soon as he had greeted them at the beginning of the meeting, silently fretting away while he spoke about merchandise sales and tax revenues. Morning meetings were rarely interesting. As long as those numbers translated to his bank account at the end of the month he was quite happy to leave them up to Offdensen. When the word audition reached his ears, however, his attention leapt back to the conversation at hand.

‘Yeah, uhm, so Pickles and I picked a bunch of guys - ten, right, Pickles - because Skwisgaar couldn’t be assed to look at any of them.' Nathan fixed Skwisgaar with a glare from across the massive table. 'I guess… hm. I guess Skwisgaar needs to look at them and sort of veto which ones of those he wants to have over for an audition -’

‘At least five!’ Pickles cut in with a warning as Skwisgaar opened his mouth. 'I know yew know yer stuff, but so do Nath’n and I, okay?'

‘Yeah, and then we'll fly them in to play with us and see which one makes the cut…’ Nathan trailed off.

Skwisgaar let out a silent groan. Admittedly, they had been pretty considerate in making the first selection for him. The audition process had loomed ahead all week like a dark shadow threatening to swallow his sanity. Those guitarists were probably all douchebag dildos, he could tell. He wondered if it would have made a difference if he had listened to Offdensen three weeks ago and just called Toki. He realised now that that a kind word from him might have cheered him up enough to coax him out of his self-imposed exile. Would it be too late to try to get him to come back? He could always try, right? Humbling himself by asking Toki to come back seemed preferable to gambling the future of Dethklok on an unknown factor.

‘Okay. Skwisgaar, do you want to -’ Offdensen did not get in a sentence edgewise before being interrupted.

‘Hey! Don’t I get a schay in thisch?’ Murderface protested loudly.

‘Murderface, we’ve been over this -’ Offdensen tried, but Nathan waltzed right over him, too.

‘Shut up, Murderface, you know fuck all about guitar playing. Just do us all a favour and shut your fucking trap.’

‘Alright.’ Offdensen began again, patience visibly fraying. ‘Skwisgaar, I’d like to know when you are going to make the selection, because you really can’t afford to put it off any longer. It's going to take a lot of paperwork to get a new guitarist in the position where Toki is now.’

‘Pfffft. Shores, I does it today. Gets dem dildo tapes readies and I wills watch dem whens I ams high enough.’ He waved his hand at them dismissively before typing a text message under the table.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~Please, Tokis. I don'ts wants to replace~~ _

~~I woulds rather have you~~

No, don't make it too clingy.

_Don’ts make me replace you._

There. That was him putting himself out there and reaching out to Toki. Offdensen could be proud. All he had to do now was wait for a reply, and he knew just the thing to help him with that.

 

*******

That afternoon Nathan and Pickles barged into Skwisgaar's room to find him stoned out of his mind on his bed. Pickles put out the joint that was smouldering in his ashtray and Nathan turned off his TV. They gave each other a conspirational look before grabbing his arms and bodily dragging him to the living room. Skwisgaar went quietly for the sake of his dignity. It was obvious enough how reluctant he felt about this whole thing without making a scene. They wedged him between them on the couch so he could not walk out, forcing him to suffer through the tasteless shredding of some random jack-offs. As he had feared, they fell over each other trying to prove themselves. One of them even had the nerve to showcase Skwisgaar’s parts. Did they even realise what they were auditioning for? Fuck Toki for putting him through this. Fuck that angst-ridden, selfish Norwegian asshole. Why had he not gotten back to him yet about his texts?

‘Did ye say sahmthn’, Skwisgare? Skwisgare!’ Pickles shouted in his ear over the sound of a shrill solo.

‘Sounded like he said “Fucks you, Toki” or some shit like that.’ Nathan supplied. ‘Is he even paying attention? Hey!’ Nathan elbowed him in the ribs. ‘Look at this guy, we like him.’

‘Yeuh, we cehn’t prenounce ‘is name, but look at ‘im.’ Pickles indicated the next candidate.

‘You dildos has gots to be jokings.’ Skwisgaar bit out when he turned his attention back to the screen.

The name at the bottom of the screen spelled ‘Sami Luukainen’, and, as if that did not say enough, his accent when he briefly introduced himself marked him a Fin. After stating his name and age, he launched straight into playing, omitting the kind of bragging about past accomplishments that his American competition had served up before getting to the point. However well he played, Skwisgaar could not get past his appearance. Messily parted, straight brown hair flowed over his shoulders down to his waist. He kept his eyes lowered while he played, but did not stare at his hands. Looking directly into the camera when he last notes died away, his open face split into a faintly boyish grin. He even had a short goatee, but thankfully his eyes beneath his heavy brow were brown.

Skwisgaar let out a breath he had not realized he was holding when Pickles stopped the video.

‘So?’ Nathan asked impatiently.

‘I hates dem all.’ He grated.

‘Whatever. Pick five.’ Pickles’ tone brooked no argument.

‘Plays dat last ones again, de Fin.’ At least that one did not sound like a total asshole.

 

*******

The alarm on his phone went off awfully early, and he wondered why he was not feeling shittier as he cracked open an eye to locate his phone. Physically, the absence of drugs in his system felt good, but remembering the reason why he had to get up made him instantly regret staying sober. His warm and crisp sheets made it all the much harder to face the day. Nathan and Pickles would kill him if he did not show up on time, however. He would have to pick a replacement for Toki today, so he had better keep his wits about him before the others stepped in and took the decision out of his hands.

Motivated solely by his desire to control the decision making he eventually dragged himself into the shower. The lack of groupies the previous evening and sedatives in his system sent his sex drive through the roof, and before he even managed to lather himself up completely his hands wandered to slick his half hard cock with soapsuds. His mind effortlessly provided images of anonymous tits and asses, building the electricity that was shooting through his lower body as he stroked himself, until he got stuck on a memory of Toki’s baleful eyes glaring at him. Shaking his head to dispel the image, he squeezed the base of his cock firmly to keep himself hard. ‘Fucks off,’ he growled into the hiss of the water, focussing hard on recalling a gaggle of particularly appealing ladies simultaneously going down on him.   

His concentration slipped again, and the memory of Toki’s worn out and filthy body showing through what was left of his threadbare dress shirt pushed itself to the front of his thoughts. Forcing his eyes open to stare blindly at the shower wall he pounded his fist against the tiles with a noise of disgust. Guilt was an effective mood killer; he would just have to forget about jacking off for now. There would be time for women and drugs after the auditions.

If only he could forget about those particular memories that easily. One of the worst things - not the stuff of nightmares, but what weighed heaviest on his conscience - was walking into the recreational room on the Dethjet and seeing Toki there after he had been tended to by the medics. He was clean and dressed in his normal clothes again, but everything about him was thin. His hair, his face, his arms, his legs; he made his clothes seem baggy and he shivered. A Klokateer offered him a fleece blanket, and he curled up into the seat with it before he noticed Skwisgaar.

'Hei,' Toki greeted in a scratchy voice.

'Hej, Tokis.' Skwisgaar said lamely, taking the seat next to him.

'I'm so happy you founds me.' He sighed, eyes closing briefly against the horrors of his ordeal.

'Me too. Real glads you's okay.' Perhaps okay was not the right word. How could Toki possibly be okay after this? Alive, then.

'Was it hard to finds me? They say I's been gone for months.' He asked, his conversational tone covered something else.

Skwisgaar swallowed his rising guilt while the foggy memories of parties and orgies paraded before his eyes.

'Magnus dids a goods job of coverings hims tracks.' It was not strictly a lie. He omitted the fact that once the remaining members of Dethklok committed to finding Toki they had gotten him out in the space of three days.

Toki nodded resignedly. 'How’s Abigails?'

'We just drops her off with her families, but she asks me to gives you dis.' Skwisgaar pulled a folded piece of paper with a phone number and a scribbled note from his back pocket.

_Hey sweetie, call me whenever you need to talk. I'll check in tomorrow in any case. Sweet dreams, Abigail._

He comforted himself with the knowledge that someone, at least, had been there for Toki.

 

 

 


	4. I'm surrounded by a circle of fire

Grocery shopping could no longer be avoided, Toki realised with mild annoyance when his cupboards yielded nothing more than coffee, a packet of stale crackers and a truckload of crumbs that he should probably clean up some time. That meant he either had to drive to Lillehammer today, or put it off a while longer and go hungry. He had not quite reached the amount of apathy needed for the latter yet. Perhaps it would be good for him to be around some people again; he had not had to open his mouth to speak in a month. His Norse was rusty at best, but this was his life now: being a retired hermit before the age of thirty. It was uncannily in keeping with the course his life had always taken - he was on his own. But with nothing left to lose, things could only start looking up from here, right? Rock bottom was a solid foundation.

The thermometer outside read -10 degrees. Dressing against the cold he picked up his keys and phone, and noticed the led light flashing on the display. Did someone text him during the night? There was a fat chance that it was his provider telling him he had crossed his data limit again. He unlocked his phone and a notification popped up. Ignoring the instantaneous throb of anger in his chest as best he could he opened his inbox. What reason could Skwisgaar possibly have to contact him again? There had been a complete silence for a month, and now he thought it was a good idea to send a bunch of pointless and confusing messages?

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_Don’ts make me replace you._

What the fuck was that supposed to mean? Was it another lame attempt at controlling Toki’s actions from afar by sending vaguely threatening messages? It was not as if that had worked so well in the past. "I kicks you out of de bands if you keeps takings guitars lessons." “What’s you even goings to does without us?” “Don’ts make me replace you.” Getting replaced was the only logical progression after he quit Dethklok. He tried not to let it touch him. Resisting the urge to hurl his phone across the room, he dropped the offending device on the couch and slammed the door of the cabin behind him.

Tugging his hat on, he began the short trek to his 4x4 parked a ways down the trail. Snowflakes drifted down from the foggy, low-hanging clouds, clinging to the lengths of his hair and stinging his face as he walked underneath the stark trees that lined the trail on either side. It took a while before his car was warm enough to start, but it ran smoothly once the engine fired up. He had decided to risk letting Charles get him a car without having his license because it was the only way to get around in these parts. Getting fined was a risk he was more than willing to take, and he knew enough about operating a vehicle to get where he wanted to be. The roads were very quiet here, anyway. The only living souls around for miles were the birds brave enough to winter up here.

Taking the Hovslivegen to the E6 around the massive lake Lillehammer bordered, he tried to push Skwisgaar’s stupid text from his mind and focus on his mental grocery list. ‘Everything’ was not very helpful in the way of what he needed to buy. He needed food that would keep for a long time so he would not have to go out again anytime soon. Hair products; conditioner and hair ties- Why was Skwisgaar incapable of sending messages that made sense? What on earth did he expect Toki to reply to this? “Don’ts make me replace you.” Of course he was going to have to replace him! Dethklok needed someone to play the rhythm parts, and this was a great opportunity for Skwisgaar to find someone who was his equal, or who was at least less crap than Toki.

Lost in his churning thoughts, he missed the exit to the centre of Lillehammer and had to double back. He was going to need some CD’s in his car to distract him from endlessly mulling over stupid texts from stupid assholes.

Ronke Snogge was still in business, it turned out after a short stroll to black metal record store _Drep Du Selv._ The dilapidated building with its blackened windows and skull logo must look extremely uninviting to regular people, but Toki felt right at home when he stepped inside. 

‘Toki Wartooth,’ Ronke’s drawl was barely audible over the badly mixed, obscure demo tape consisting solely of blast beats and c-minor power chords, ‘hva gjør du her igjen, i Satan navn?’

‘Hei, Ronke,’ he greeted, wiping the snow off his boots on the doormat. ‘Still with the daytime war paint, I see.’

‘It’s called corpse paint, you sell-out moron, and it’s kvlt.’ Ronke was lighting a fresh candle on the skull atop the counter.

‘You must be going through so much make-up remover every night.’  Snark came a little easier in Norwegian, even though he was raised with the rural Nynorsk dialect as opposed to most of the population of Lillehammer.

‘Hva vil du?’ Ronke griped. It was a mystery how he managed to keep a business running with his attitude.

‘CD’s obviously, but none of that horseshit racket that you make these days… or should I say horse dick?’ He bared his teeth in a mockery of a smile.

Ronke barked a laugh at the play on his band’s name, and moved from behind his counter to drag Toki towards the classics.

‘Remember this one?’ He asked, fishing _‘De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas’_ out of the rack. ‘I let you listen to this in Ungdomsskole, and your parents were ready to keep you home for the rest of the year.’

‘Boy, do I remember it. I’ve still got the scars.’ Toki huffed.

‘Jeg visste det!’ Ronke hissed, grabbing Toki’s sleeve. ‘I knew there was something off about your family. Is that why you ran away from home?’ Ronke’s eyes bored into his, Mayhem CD forgotten.

‘Yeah.’ Toki shrugged.

‘Dark stuff.’ Ronke grimaced at him.

‘What else have you got?’ Toki steered the conversation away from his fucked up childhood.

‘Burzum is pretty much obligatory, as is Dark Throne.’ Ronke listed, blessedly distracted from the subject.

‘Great, I’ll take all three.’ Toki took the CD’s from his hands and carried them to the front of the shop.

‘So, what brings you to this conservative hellhole again?’ Ronke inquired as Toki passed him some krone over the counter.

‘I guess I live here now, since I quit Dethklok and all that.’

‘Alright,’ came the underwhelmed response. ‘Well, come find me if you want to hang out sometime.’

‘Cool, I will.’ Toki said, surprising himself.

 

*******

It was quite pleasant to wander around Lillehammer among the shopping public, he realised now that he had actually gotten out of the house. He strung out his errands over the entire day, short as it was, to enjoy the change of scenery. The supermarket was very busy, signifying that it must be a Friday or a Saturday. Toki had not kept track; all days were the same in his cabin. Dusk was falling as he drove back up the mountain, and the wind tore up the clouds that framed the bright stars in colourful wisps. He had almost forgotten how beautiful the skies could be in the mountains, and he drank in the sight with wonder as the road wound up the slope. The temperature dropped dramatically with the cloud cover gone, and Toki sent Charles silent but heartfelt thanks for his sensible clothes as he got out of his car and carried his grocery bags up the trail.

Flopping down on his sofa after dumping his bags in the kitchen without putting the contents away, he reached for his guitar. Stretching lazily to wrap his hand around the neck, he noticed the light on his phone flashing again. Three missed calls. Would Skwisgaar…? A cold shiver ran down his spine and he broke out in a sweat, swiping through his log to see. He did not know what he would do if he had to speak to Skwisgaar.

All three missed calls were from a local number. Giving himself no time to reconsider, he dialled back. 

‘Anja Wartooth.’

‘Mor?’ He almost dropped his phone.

‘Toki,’ she breathed. ‘Eg har sakna deg, min sønn.’

Toki felt something deep inside him shutter and close off. How could she miss him? She barely knew him anymore.

‘I heard from a parishioner that she saw you in Lillehammer today. Is it true that you are in Norway?’ 

‘Yes, mother.’ No point in lying.

‘Korleis har du det? Is everything alright?’ Her voice was quiet and gentle, as he had often imagined but never heard as a child. Was this really his mother? 

‘Eg har det bra, takk -’ He broke off, choking on the tears in his voice.

He was not alright, none of this was alright. He had just burned every bridge behind him, and he was lonely and so goddamn depressed all the time…

‘Unnskyld, mor. Venn litt, er du snill.’ He pressed the receiver to his chest to wipe his nose.

‘What’s wrong, Toki?’ She sounded concerned. ‘You can tell me, I’m your mother.’ She prompted when he did not answer.

‘It’s nothing, mother.’ He insisted, fighting for his self-control. Spilling his guts to the person who had caused a large part of his issues seemed like a terrible idea.  

‘I was thinking, Toki, now that your father has passed away… There are some things I would like to talk to you about. I understand if you don’t want to, but I would very much like to see you.’

‘Of course, mother.’ He instantaneously accepted, obedience too deeply ingrained to refuse.

‘How about Sunday after church, two weeks from now? Does that suit you?’

At least she gave him some time to mentally prepare. He would need that.

‘I will be there, mother.’ He acquiesced.   

‘I’m relieved to hear that. God kveld, Toki.’

‘Ha det bra.’ He replied.

He stared at his phone for ten minutes after his mother ended the call. Loathe to stir the jumble of emotions, he fought off all thought for as long as he could while he felt under the couch for the bottle of vodka he left there a couple of days earlier. There was only a splash left, but it was just enough to start drinking on his way to the grocery bags in the kitchen. He hated the taste of Vodka - hated the way it blazed a trail down his throat and burned his empty stomach - but it was the quickest way he knew to get shitfaced, and that counted for something.

The breath-taking sight of the starry sky meeting the snow-capped mountains all around him as he stumbled outside and sat down on the porch dispelled the siren call of the sleeping pills that were burning a hole in his bag for now. Here in the dark no man’s land the galaxies swirled overhead, the light of a million stars barely touching him as he chased away the cold with every slosh of the clear liquid. His memories had followed him into the night, but they were kept at bay by the vast expanse of the sky filling his vision. They seemed insignificant before the countenance of the universe. He was insignificant. He was merely alive for a short period of time, and time didn’t wait for him to make something of his life, to do something with his capacity to love.

Inevitably, his thoughts returned to his mother and what she could possibly want to talk to him about. Should he allow her back into his life? Was it too late to find a way to transform their relationship? They hadn’t spoken in three years - fourteen if he did not count their brief interaction around his father’s deathbed. There was a reason he had run away from home at fifteen and never looked back. His mother had never stopped his father from raising his hand against Toki. If she had ever felt bad for her son at the time, she had done a marvellous job of hiding it. Toki had learned the hard way that turning to his mother for comfort or help yielded nothing beyond flashing eyes above tight lips. 

He still remembered every verse from the Bible his parents used to justify the abuse. They were etched into his mind as surely as the welts were etched into his flesh, and he mouthed them into the darkness and frost. Hot breath crystallised in front of his face.

_“Den som sparer sitt ris, hater sin sønn; men den som elsker ham, tukter ham tidlig.” - Proverbs 13:24_

_He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes._

_“Tukt din sønn, for det er ennu håp; men la dig ikke drive til å drepe ham!’’ - Proverbs 19:18_

_Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying._

_“La ikke den unge være uten tukt! Når du slår ham med riset, skal han ikke dø. Du slår ham med riset, men du frelser hans sjel fra dødsriket.” - Proverbs 23:13-14_

_Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell._

_“For den Herren elsker, den tukter han, og han hudstryker hver sønn som han tar sig av. Det er for tuktens skyld at I tåler lidelser; Gud gjør med eder som med sønner. For hvem er den sønn som hans far ikke tukter?” - Hebrews 12: 6-7_

_For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what son is he whom the father chasteneth not?_

The darkness of the winter night gave way to the image of the verses smouldering on the brittle pages of the Bible in his mind’s eye.

 

*******

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_~~How ams you? Why amen'ts you text~~ _

_~~What are you up~~ _

_~~Gots to pick some dumb new~~ _

_Auditions todays. This totallies sucks. ~~I wish you woulds just~~ Thanks a lot, dildos_

It was too much to hope for a musical connection with the auditioners similar to his and Toki’s, so Skwisgaar did not. He would just have to cut his losses and make the best of it. Besides, he was too jaded by now to allow some dumb kid in a ratty hat to walk into his life uninvited and sweep him off his feet with his amazing musical sensitivity. The five guitarists he had selected were at least moderately skilled. Alright, he was lying to himself: they were all guitar masters in their own right, but he would rather die than admit that out loud. If he started to doubt himself, what reason would other people have to believe he was the fastest guitarist in the world?

The time had come to test the auditioners' mettle while they were outside their comfort zone, possibly nervous, and in a strange environment. He was going to enjoy tearing them apart and see what their playing was made of. Nathan, Pickles and Murderface had already set up their gear in the rehearsal studio when Skwisgaar arrived. Pickles was aimlessly pounding out a rhythm like a machine gun going off with his kick drum, Murderface was on the phone and Nathan was jotting down lyrics to their new songs in his little notebook with a stub of a pencil. The auditioners had not arrived yet, but he assumed that Offdensen would take care of getting them to the right place. Looking over Nathan's shoulder, Skwisgaar noticed that he was writing about Toki again. It was actually rather tasteless to keep using Toki's plight as inspiration for their new album, but it was coming together faster than ever. The intensity of the experience had filled them all with inspiration. They had already settled on a name for the concept: The Doomstar Requiem.

Skwisgaar rammed the jack of his cable into his amp a little harder than was necessary, and struck a loud open chord that made Murderface cover his free ear and send him a glare before walking out of the rehearsal room. Pickles’ drums flowed into an aggressive rhythm and Skwisgaar followed suit, launching into a discordant melody he made up on the spot. Nathan nodded his head in time to the music and raised his fist in approval.

Eventually, Offdensen entered with the five auditioners in tow. They seemed to be in various states of combativeness ranging from overconfidence to nervous anticipation. Nathan put his notebook aside and ambled up to the newcomers, addressing them with his usual reluctance to speak in front of larger groups. Skwisgaar let him handle it; he did not want to spend any more time than necessary with the ones who did not make it. That was a waste of the time he could use to play guitar.

A confident Italian man with a white custom guitar featuring a black border and ornaments broke away from the group first and introduced himself as Alessandro Tordiglione. Skwisgaar lost the last name immediately, gave him a nod, and told him to plug his guitar in. Nathan had warned Skwisgaar to save the duelling for after the auditioners had worked their way through a number of Dethklok songs with the whole band, but in all honesty he did not intend to do any duelling at all. It felt like and indirect devaluation of what he and Toki had shared, and he could not bring himself to do that however pissed he was at Toki for leaving him high and dry. He did not even have a right to be pissed at Toki. God, this was all so messed up.

'Deed you just call me 'Fiordiligi'?' The Italian asked, cocking his head at Skwisgaar.  

'Thoughts dat was your names?' Skwisgaar muttered.

'No, dat's a character from Cosí fan tutte.' Alessandro laughed and shook his head. 'You like Mozart, Swisgar?'

'Who doesn'ts?'

'Great, another dumb accent.’ Nathan muttered to Pickles.

The Italian played decently, over all. His rhythmic riffs were spot on, but he harmonised the solos a little too flowery. Skwisgaar didn’t particularly care for his style, but he knew what he was doing, at least. He grilled the Italian through three Dethklok songs before he was satisfied he knew everything he wanted to know about his playing. Saving the personal questions for after the technical part, he called up the next rhythm hopeful. 

The first American was a buff guy with dirty blond hair and a thick, wiry beard who went completely nuts trying to put on a show. There was nothing wrong with his playing per sé, but the headbanging made him more sloppy than strictly necessary. Waving him away after two songs, Skwisgaar waited impatiently for the next guy - a Canadian, he remembered from the video - to finish nervously fiddling with his pedal. During the third song the poor son of a bitch made a mistake, causing Skwisgaar to dismiss him immediately. The same happened when the second American messed with his amp to turn himself up in the mix after the first song. His monitor was loud enough, and no one messed with Skwisgaar’s pre-sets without permission.

Sami Luukainen - he could not believe he actually remembered his name before they were formally introduced - waited patiently until last, and to his annoyance Skwisgaar felt a little on edge about playing with him.

‘Is an honowr to miityou, miister Skwiigelf.’ The Fin was shy and reserved.

‘Calls me Skwisgaar.’ He said gently. ‘You hads a good auditions tape, Sami.’

‘Kiitos.’ His quirky smile lit up the room.

The Fin played fantastically with a rapt expression on his face. His sweep picking was absolutely impeccable; his overall technique was definitely up there with Skwisgaar’s. That would have been reason enough to send him packing out of fear he would grow to be better than him one day, but he had plenty more reservations towards the young man that had nothing to do with his skill as guitarist. For example, the fact that Skwisgaar could see over his head, his athletic frame and the wonder with which he took in his surroundings. His long brown hair obscured his smile from view as he launched into a heavy riff. This would never work. He would probably slip up and call this guy ‘little Toki’ before the day was done.

 

The auditioners waited outside for their verdict, but half an hour later Dethklok was still divided into two camps over who would be their new rhythm guitarist. Well, it wasn’t so much two camps as Skwisgaar against the rest of the band. He got to call the shots, but that did not deter them from trying to change his mind.

‘Skwisgaar! Skwisgaar - you can’t be serious about not wanting that Finnish guy! He is perfect! His background checks out, he didn’t screw up for one second, he’s got a great attitude… What don’t you like about him?’ Nathan was getting exasperated.

‘He… ament’s brutal, okay?’ Skwisgaar countered lamely. ‘He oughts to bes in a Finnish folks metal bands or some shits. Dey gots plenty of blond leads whats cans boss him arounds over dere if dat ams what he wants.’

‘Ye’re naht makin’ sense, dood. This guy is like a better Toki. It’s perfect.’   

Pickles hit the nail on its head. Skwisgaar did not want a better Toki. It was either Toki or someone completely different, not a substitute. Sami would be a daily reminder of what he had done - or failed to do - for the rest of his career. And that was in a scenario where he managed not to screw this one up so much that he would leave prematurely.

_“The lest time I saw Toki ‘njoy playing guitehr was when yew were in Swed’n.”_

_“I think you know why it’s on you.”_

‘We picks de Italians, and dat ams my final diskisions.’

*******

Today the new guy was coming to live with them at Mordhaus. It felt so final, even though he had a trial period of six months on his contract. They had not made anything public yet, but this was the only way to find out if things were going to work between all of them. Skwisgaar was not happy about it, but then again, he had a hard time remembering the last time he had been happy. The image of holding bath towels in his swimming trunks while Toki read an obscene phrase from the back of a drawing to a bar full of scruffy men came to him. It was followed by ordering plastic explosives with Murderface's credit card while Toki read guitar magazines on his bed and told him to buy anthrax, too. 

The other guys had been busy preparing a low-key welcome party for the Italian, but Skwisgaar kept to himself while they fought over booze, films and snacks. Alessandro’s imminent arrival wasn’t really reason enough for him to get out of his room, or even out of bed. Still, he seemed like a decent guy. He had a good taste in music, so they would get along on a professional level at least.

Toki still had not replied to his texts, and he supposed it did not matter anymore, but it left him a little lost. It was not like Toki to not react to attempts at conversation. Deep down he worried whether Toki was okay, but watching his back wasn’t Skwisgaar’s deal anymore since he struck out on his own. Toki was tough, he reminded himself. Tough, but vulnerable, and more than a little frayed at the edges, came the unbidden amendment. Maybe he just had to persist in his attempts. Toki would tell him to cut it out if the messages bothered him.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_That new dildos ams comings over todays. ~~Wish you were here instead~~ _

No, that made him sound like a girl, or worse, gay.

_I just wants to crawls into a holes and not deals._

A little on the dramatic side but not untrue - not unlike the tone he normally used when talking to Toki.

Sitting around in the hot tub with the new guy in Toki’s place was extremely uncomfortable. Aggravating, even. Accepting him as a new guitarist on a professional level was something he could do; no one was his friend inside the rehearsal room, but he couldn’t accept him as a replacement for Toki in his circle of friends. Submerging the Explorer he used solely in the tub, he decided to not deal with the situation by letting it pass him by while he practiced his scales. There was little talk going on while they watched some kind of slasher flick; with Toki out of the picture, gory movie nights were not a problem anymore. Night lay heavy over Mordhaus and the empty beer bottles steadily accumulated by the side of the tub as the film progressed, but Skwisgaar refrained from binging. A perverse part of himself wanted him to feel the wrongness of this situation, wanted to keep balking at this charade, because accepting it implied that he was ready to forget, in part, about Toki. All these years he had taken him for granted, and he had let the time slip by unnoticed until he was gone.

Even with his hands occupied by frets and strings he could not refrain from checking his phone for new messages every now and then. Sometimes when the thought struck him he abandoned his guitar in the middle of his scales, but no reply came.

Alessandro had laughed at the absurdity of Skwisgaar taking his guitar with him into the bath and implied that it was an irreverent way to treat his instrument. Skwisgaar had merely sneered at the comment. What did that guy know? He had a million of those things. 

Offdensen came in looking a little harried, apologising concisely that there had been a little mishap in the guest quarters, a gas leak. He inquired whether Alessandro wanted him to arrange a hotel room for him elsewhere in Mordland or whether they were planning on partying through the night. Nathan interjected that it should not be a problem.

‘Guys, guys - you’re forgetting that we have five rooms. And we’re with five people, so.’ Nathan looked around pointedly.

‘Yeah, he can juscht schleep in Toki’sch old room, right?’ Murderface sounded a little annoyed that everyone else was too dumb to make that logical connection.

‘No, he cans nots!’ Skwisgaar protested.

The others turned to look at him.

‘Why naht, Skwisgaar?’ Pickles asked sensibly.

‘… because… Toki’s rooms ams probablies nots even been aireds out since he left.’ That was a close save.

The Klokateers had not disturbed Toki’s room save for the necessary dusting every now and then, and he liked it that way.

‘Takes my rooms, Alessandrs.’ He offered, feigning hospitality. ‘Toki’s bed ams reallies smalls and unscomfortkables. Wouldn’ts wants our guest to sleeps dere, I insists.’

Offdensen gave him a strange look, but the rest accepted it with a shrug.

Toki’s room smelled slightly musty after weeks of disuse when he opened the door. Everything that belonged to Toki was still in its proper place; it looked like he had cleaned up his room himself before taking off. The bed looked slept in, the covers tucked in neatly but obviously not freshly laundered. Skwisgaar drifted aimlessly through the dungeon-like, windowless room, opening random drawers and closets to see what Toki had left in there. He had barely taken anything along to Norway, it turned out, though he had taken down some of the picture frames Skwisgaar remembered seeing on his walls before.

Stripping to his underwear he crawled under Toki’s basic, boring covers, staring up at the model airplanes overhead without really seeing them. As he flicked off the bedside lamp and rolled on his side to sleep, he could detect the faint smell of Toki’s shampoo and sweat on the pillowcase.

Feeling so close yet so immensely far removed from him was the weirdest thing, and it kept him up longer than it should.

 

 


	5. but eternal ice has frozen my heart

A text message alert sounded from his discarded pants while he hopped around on one leg in the changing room trying to get a pair of neatly pressed blue trousers on. His visit to his mother was only a couple of days away, and he had only realised today that he had not brought any appropriate Sunday wear from Mordhaus. Buttoning the trousers over a dress shirt that did not quite seem to be his size, he toed through the pile of clothes on the floor to locate his phone.

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_Auditions todays. This totallies sucks. Thanks a lot, dildos_

He overrode the conflicting feelings of betrayal and sympathy for Skwisgaar’s situation by remembering it was no longer his problem, and ignored the text. It soured his mood remarkably, and the prospect of going home alone where he could mope about it all night made him feel even worse. He decided to stop by _Drep du Selv_ to see if Ronke was in after he had made his purchase. Maybe some company would take his mind off the gaping hole that his turbulent friendship with Skwisgaar had left.

The afternoon was coming to a close, and Ronke was finishing up helping a boy in black eyeliner pick an Immortal record.

'Bored with your new CD's already?' Ronke drawled in a manner of greeting.

'Actually, I was going to take you up on your offer to hang out. I mean, it doesn't have to be right now,' he amended, 'but I don't have your phone number, so...'

'Sure.' Ronke nodded without looking up from the register. 'You want to come back to my place and get some pizza?'

'Cool.' 

'What have you got there?' Ronke gestured at his bags with the money he was counting.

'Oh, it’s a suit. I'm visiting my mother on Sunday.'

'Rough!’ Ronke commented. ‘Sounds like you could use a drink. Let's grab some beers on the way.'

Toki laughed wryly. Drinking had not exactly made things any easier the past week - or the past year - but he would not pass up on beer either way.

‘Did you hear about the awesome festival in Bergen, not this Saturday but the next?’ Ronke asked as he closed the store. ‘Me and the other Hestkuk guys are definitely going. Do you want to tag along?’

‘Eh, I haven’t, but that sounds cool. Sign me up.’ Anything to feel a little less alone, and going to concerts was a pretty excellent way to do that. He wanted to thank Ronke for including him, but he had the feeling that the snarky black metaller would not appreciate the sentiment. His bandmates never had. Nathan had begged him to stop spouting emotional stuff on more than one occasion, and the rest tended to ignore him or shut him down with gay slurs.

‘I still haven’t figured out how to pronounce the name of the headliner - you know how it goes with those logos - but their last album was nice and heavy. This way to my flat.’

Toki gladly let Ronke’s talk distract him while they ate shitty pizzas and watched cartoons on his TV. His apartment was small and decorated in the same tacky fashion as his shop though it was maintained better. Toki took in the poster flags from obscure bands, gothic candelabra's and a wall entirely dedicated to his huge collection of fantasy books and CD's with interest.

'You look kind of pissed off today.' Ronke observed as Toki knocked back a beer.

'Yeah, I got a text from that dickhead Skwisgaar that they're holding auditions to replace me.' He said quickly before stuffing another slice of pizza in his mouth.

'Why would he want to rub it in like that? That must feel really shitty. I would be so depressed if my band went to shit like that.' Ronke offered sympathetically.

'I am, dude. There's just no getting over the things I've been through with Dethklok.' Better not go into detail about that.

'Shit, Toki. Your life really sucks.' Ronke shook his head sadly.

'It was worth living when I thought I had friends.' He shoved his food aside in favour of another beer.

'Hey, listen to me.' Ronke gripped his shoulder to make sure he looked at him. 'I don't give a shit about that dumb band of yours, but I've seen too many good guys off themselves around here, so I'm not going to let you go down that road, okay?'

'Rather ironic for a guy whose shop is called _Drep du selv_.' Toki laughed in spite of everything.

'Give me a break, I'm trying to help.' Ronke rolled his eyes.

'You're a good pal, Ronke.' He smiled. 'So how are we getting to Bergen two weeks?'

 

*******

The suit sat ominously on his bed. He hadn’t worn one since Roy Cornickleson’s funeral, not even for formal occasions during their world tour, because the tatters of his suit and dress shirt had been all he had had to wear during the long months of his captivity. This was exactly the reason why he had avoided his preferred black on black colour scheme and picked out a deep blue suit with a crisp white shirt and a grey silk tie instead. He could not show up to his mother’s church on Sunday in anything less formal.

Tightly braiding his hair behind his head, he bound the end with a thin black hair tie and flipped it over his shoulder. His skin felt a little dry from shaving for the first time in weeks, but his Fu Manchu looked neat enough. He knew he did not look respectable by far where the standards of his parents’ parish were concerned, but he wanted to at least be respectful about how he dressed.  Dallying around in his boxer shorts until time was starting to run out, he eventually got over himself and put everything on. He took a steadying breath while he buttoned up the jacket before grabbing his phone and car keys and heading out. Turning off the Dark Throne album in his car, he made the trip in silence. It would not do to get all hopped up on black metal before meeting his mother. 

The Stave church where his father used to hold his sermons was in a better state of repair than he remembered. It was supposed to be a national monument, so perhaps his mother had allowed conservators in after his father’s death. He arrived a little early; the bells signalling the last prayer of the service started ringing the moment he stepped out of his car. Looking around the church grounds he noticed that his was the only car there. Did the parishioners still walk all that way across the snow-covered slopes every Sunday morning? He waited by the double doors, out of the wind and with the weak sun on his face, fiddling nervously with the end of his braid until they opened.

The people that filed past him gave him curious looks, most rather judgemental in nature. His mother was the last to emerge, supporting an elderly lady who complimented her on her sermon. Toki felt mildly surprised that his mother seemed to have taken up his father’s position as head of the church, but it made sense. She had been aiding Aslaug in his duties and studying the material for a long time.

‘God morgon, mor.’ He greeted softly from a distance. Despite his deep-rooted resentment he could not be anything but respectful.

‘Toki,’ Anja looked startled, as if she had doubted whether he would honour their appointment. ‘I’m glad you came. Bli med meg?’

Following his mother to his childhood home was not easy, but he had done it before when he came to say goodbye to his father, and he could do it again. Anja made tea for the both of them while Toki stood around in the sitting room. He looked out onto the snow covered mountainside, steeling himself against anything his mother might have to say. When his mother entered with the cups Toki rushed over to take them from her and set them out on the rough wooden table. Old habits died hard. Anja had taken off her headdress, her mostly grey hair tucked into a tight bun. She looked a little more human than he remembered her; still tough, but approachable.

‘Well,’ She hesitated. ‘I was going to say you look good, but beyond the suit you actually look a little careworn.’

Was that the pastor or the mother talking?

It felt rude to remain silent, but the 180 degree shift in his mother's attitude was confusing, separating her from the woman she had been in his youth.

‘What has been going on in your life since we last saw each other?’ Anja asked.

‘It’s been a rough time with the band. I quit a couple of weeks ago.’ He summarized the bare bones of his ordeals.

‘Is that why you look so sad?’ His mother reached a hand across the table to where he warmed his on his mug. He pulled them away and folded them together.

‘I miss my friends.’ That was only the tip of the iceberg. He felt betrayed by everyone, he felt like he was never getting out of his depression and he had no idea how long he could keep doing this. But she had no right to ask.

Anja nodded. ‘Going on alone is the hardest thing.’

They sipped their mugs in silence for a while, his mother clearly mustering her resolve to say something monumental. He waited her out.

‘This is probably the most overdue apology you’ve ever been entitled to, but Toki,’ She took a deep breath. ‘I am so unspeakably sorry about what your father and I have done to you as a child.’ Her voice shook on the last syllables, but her gaze was unwavering through the tears of regret welling up in her eyes.

‘Why did you do it, mother?' He had wanted to ask this for so long. Was there any sense to it at all? 'I always tried so hard to be good -’

‘We - We’d been led astray by a false prophet preaching the Apocalypse, and we were so full of religious fanaticism that we did as he commanded us. Your father and I will burn for this.’ She whispered the last sentence.

‘What the fuck do you mean by that?' His rage flared up and out of control. This insane crap was the last excuse he would have expected to hear.

Anja merely bowed her head in the face of his anger.

‘When I was pregnant with you your father and I were visited by a man who we believed to be an angel of the Lord at the time. He appeared unto us one night, telling us that we had to ready our son for the coming Apocalypse. That there would be war and you would be tested - you needed to be strong to lead the hosts against the legions of darkness. He made us promise to harden you in every way we could, to make you unbreakable.’ She folded her hands as in prayer before looking up at him. ‘I’m afraid we broke you in the process.’

‘I’m not broken.’ He interrupted automatically. Did he believe that himself?

‘We felt so important in our supposed work of the Lord at the time that we were blind to the consequences. Aslaug thought you would be grateful one day, and remained convinced until his death. I… As the years passed and nothing happened, I started to doubt. We had driven you away, our only son, and you were leading a godless life as a musician...'

Toki balled his fists at the judgemental remark. Better a godless musician than an abusive parent.

 'I see now that we have let ourselves be tempted by Satan and committed evil in the name of God. I don’t know where to begin to redeem myself, but I will start with you. You probably cannot forgive me, but I’m asking for your forgiveness nonetheless. If only to show you that I realise that I have wronged you terribly.’ The tears spilled over as she reached for his hand with trembling fingers.

He suppressed the urge to shy away. One gentle touch could not erase the years of abuse, but his mother no longer possessed the power to physically harm him. The words of a mysterious stranger had been stronger than the unconditional love their child should have inspired in them. All he could do was sit there and let the senselessness of the violence and brutality wash over him. This half-assed apology was more about doing evil of in the name of God than scarring him for life. 

‘You know, mother -' He said harshly. 'I have been tested by fate, or by God, if you will. A man who I believed to be my friend abducted me and our producer Abigail. She was stronger than me during the months of our captivity in spite of your efforts to harden me. You know what I did? I begged, and pleaded, and screamed and cried the same way I used to beg you to stop, to give me another chance to be good before the lash would fall. But no one ever heeded me then and they did not heed me now- ’ Forcing the words past the sobs welling up from the core of his being became impossible.

‘I’m so done with this bullshit!’ He wept openly now, shoving back his chair and getting up with the intention of jumping off the nearest cliff face.

‘Toki, don’t leave like this!’ His mother pleaded. 'I'm so sorry, please don't go.'

He already had a foot out the door, the icy wind freezing the tears on his face when she caught up to him and clasped his wrist. Turning around, he merely stared through her, his mouth pulling at the corners and contorting his face into an ugly mask of grief.

‘Oh, my child,’ Anja murmured, pressing her hand to her mouth to stifle her own sobs. 'I'm so, so sorry.'

She reached up to touch his face and though he flinched he allowed it. Dropping his head onto her shoulder he shamefully cried into the fabric of her old-fashioned gown.

‘Mamma,’ He choked out as he felt her arms close around him for the first time. ‘Eg føler meg så trist.’

 

Surveying the mess in the bright light of day he already felt disheartened to do something about it. He had been drunk for what might have been six days straight; he had to pull himself together. Stopping the drinking halfway through the day yesterday because he ran out of alcohol had made him come back to his senses a little overnight. There were beer cans and empty vodka bottles on the floor, he had trashed one of the chairs against the wall and not cleaned up after himself for the better part of a week. The light on his phone flashed in an alternate pattern of red and green, signalling new texts and a dying battery.

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_That new dildos ams comings over todays._

_I just wants to crawls into a holes and not deals._

Before he could think about cleaning he needed to get out of the house, if only to buy aspirin and possibly more booze.

 

*******

The complete radio silence on Toki’s part stretched on. Skwisgaar had not gone this long without talking to him since the day they had met. Well, that was if he did not count the months in which they were not looking for him after his abduction. In a way, the situation was beginning to feel the same; Toki was gone and everyone at Mordhaus pretended not to care. Who even knew how he was doing? He needed to find out if Toki was safe. Norway was full of psychopaths and neo-Nazis driven by winter madness. Putting his phone back on Toki’s night stand he rolled over, squashing the disappointment and worry bubbling in his gut. Perhaps Offdensen was still keeping tabs on Toki, but would it not be hypocritical if Skwisgaar barged into his office asking about Toki after what went down the last time they talked? His goddamned pride kept getting in the way of functioning like a decent person.

Imagining reasons why Toki would not be able to respond to his messages probably made the situation worse in his head. The fear of the unknown always did - with one exception. There was no way he could have imagined just how badly Toki had been treated during his captivity until he saw it with his own eyes, storming into the dank makeshift dungeon after fighting their way through a horde of Revengencers.

There were two figures crucified on inverted crosses and one impaled on a long metal bar, but Skwisgaar's eyes were inevitably drawn to only one of them. His heart, pounding in his chest from running through the corridors and fighting off assailants, froze over when he took in the scene. Toki’s long hair trailed the filthy floor, and his battered and bruised chest was exposed by gravity pulling his shirt down. Even in the dim light Skwisgaar could make out vivid cuts and contusions ranging from deep purple to yellow. Toki moaned weakly as Nathan pulled him down from the cross and helped him to his feet. Pickles pushed Abigail into his arms as he waved everyone towards the door, but wanted to rush over to Toki, so preoccupied with every broken sound coming from his friend that he nearly dropped her.

The assassin came for them and they had to regroup. Nathan let go of Toki, who could barely stand, to take up a protective stance in front of his bandmates. Skwisgaar saw Toki sway and falter. He shouldered one of his arms despite the abhorrent smell coming off him and the layer of grime covering him from head to toe. Pulling him close, Toki’s separate ribs were palpable underneath his fingertips; most of his muscle seemed to have melted right off of him.

Toki stared through him, his sunken eyes and gaunt cheeks transforming him into a completely different man than Skwisgaar remembered. It was eerie and distressing to see. A bright flare like a flashbang grenade going off in slow motion knocked them all off their feet. The assassin’s body was obliterated, clearing the way for them to escape into the night.

Back in the jet the medics took Toki from him, and bizarrely he went to take a shower and get a change of clothes instead of staying by his side. He should have stuck with him then. He should have stuck with Toki when he needed him.

Throwing an arm over his face to hide his guilt from himself, he remained in bed, motionless. Heavy booted footfalls stopped outside the door, and it opened with a quiet snick to admit Nathan.

‘You thinking about Toki?’ He rumbled, the mattress dipping under his weight as he sat on the edge.

‘Constantly.’ Skwisgaar replied quietly from underneath his arm. 

‘Yeah, I miss that little dildo, too. Where did we go wrong? The band agreement always worked before. It’s respectful to let everyone deal with their own shit in peace, right?’

‘No, in dis case it ams extremely stupids,’ he heard himself echo Offdensen. ‘Tokis needed us, and we didn’ts do nothing. Especially me.’

‘Yeah, well, it’s not like were professional agony aunts, right? I mean, there was always something with that guy.’

‘Don’ts thinks he needed more professionals - he alreadies hads those. We shoulds have been hims friends, or brothers or whatevers. Remembers how happies he was in de beginnings? With him shorts hair and babiesface? So glads to finallies gets a families, however fuckeds up, and we ruined dat for him. We slowlies killeds dat dream.’

Nathan sighed heavily. 'Are you still in touch with him?’

‘I tries to sends him texts, but he nevers answers.’ He took a deep breath before confessing his worry. ‘Whats if he ams in troubles again?’ Fuck that, it made him sound like a girl, or an overprotective mother.

‘He’s not, I’m sure Offdensen would have let us know.’ Nathan countered reasonably.

‘But whats if he amen’ts keepingks track?’ Skwisgaar pressed.

‘Skwisgaar, you need to get your ass out of bed and go ask him yourself if it’s bothering you. Come let us know when you’re ready to play. We gotta put the new guy through his paces today.’

‘Ja, alrights. I’ll be there in a seconds.’

He would talk to Offdensen as soon as he could muster the courage. It was high time that Toki's wellbeing got precedence over his pride.

 

*******

 ‘Alessandrs, holds up.’ Skwisgaar stopped playing, waiting for the rest of the band to break off one by one. ‘Dis ams death metals, not Italians power metals. Listens to me: sweep…. sweep it. Ja, sweeps dat picks. None of dat ornamentation with dis solos.’

‘Swisgar, why don’t you let me feeneesh de song first, eh? We’ve been at eet for half an hour and we haven’t even played dees song to de end.’ Alessandro’s eyes narrowed in badly suppressed irritation and he gestured wildly with his pick.

‘Don’t take it perschonal, dude,’ Murderface leaned over. ‘He doesn’t rag on you half asch bad asch on the previousch rhythm guitarischt.’ He let out a vile chuckle. ‘Yet.’ He added under his breath.

‘Dudes, cans we please stops bringing up Tokis.’ Skwisgaar grated.

He could not afford the distraction. It had become more and more difficult to keep his irritability under control as the first week with Alessandro progressed. The guy had an ego that easily rivalled his own, and he did not take any shit from Skwisgaar, or well-meant advice for that matter. 

‘Yes, could you guys pleese stop talkeeng about de other guy every five meenutes?’ The Italian’s speech became more rapid the more aggravated he got. He swept his dark brown curls over his shoulder. ‘I’m getteeng pretty tired of dat crap, because I came heer to work, not to deescuss Swisgar’s ex-boyfriend like a bunch of gossiping ladees.’

In the split-second it took for that remark to land Skwisgaar decided to take a leaf out of Toki’s book and sock Alessandro in the jaw. 

‘Haha, doods, Alessandro fits right in with thet ehttitude, doesn’t he?’ Pickles laughed to Nathan as Alessandro jabbed Skwisgaar repeatedly in the chest, shoving him backwards under a stream of Italian curses. ‘He already called Skwisgaar gay ‘n us women and there’s gonna be blood ‘n everythin’. Naht behd.’

There was something about his flaming coal eyes that made Skwisgaar want to beat the living shit out of that hot-tempered, tan asshole as they scuffled and shouted and threw off their guitars. It wasn’t long before they launched themselves at each other, Skwisgaar hitting the floor painfully on his back as he clawed at Alessandro’s face. Trying to get punches and mean kicks in where they could they rolled around screeching like alley cats until Nathan lifted the shorter Italian off of him.

‘Get a grip, both of you!’ Nathan slapped them hard across the face. ‘Skwisgaar, take five. Get out of here.’

The coppery taste of blood seeped between his teeth as he left the rehearsal studio for his bedroom. Thinking better of it halfway, he entered Toki’s room instead, breathing heavily into the silence as he flopped down onto the mattress and held his nose to staunch the bleeding. 

‘Helvete, Toki, what I wouldn’t give to have you back right now…’ He muttered darkly to the model airplanes hanging overhead. ‘Not just because you listened to me.’

Mordhaus had become so cold of late. He had always thought that Toki caused a lot of the negativity in the group, but in actuality he had functioned more as a lightning conductor for Skwisgaar’s temper. It had taken Skwisgaar some time, but he realised now that he relied heavily on Toki to clear up his moods and cheer him up on a day to day basis.

_To: Toki Wartooth_

_I miss you, pals. Please lets me know if you ams ok._

 

*******

Pacing nervously in front of Offdensen’s closed office doors without announcing himself he reconsidered his plan to inquire about Toki close to ten times before a Klokateer opened the door and asked if ‘milord wanted to come in’. He had repeated this ritual every day over the course of the last week, but this was the first time someone caught him doing it. His cotton mouth had nothing to do with drugs for once.

‘Eh, ja, alrights.’ Was that bile in the back of his throat? His stomach was so goddamn upset.

‘Skwisgaar.’ Offdensen greeted coolly, imperious behind his massive desk, not looking up from the document he was signing with a gold-plated fountain pen.

‘Offdensen. Charles. I, eh - ’ He stammered, heart throbbing slow and cold in his chest. ‘Does you knows how Tokis am doings? I’ms - ’ He ran his hand across his face, cold sweat beading in his hairline.

‘You didn’t contact him? Like I, ah, _specifically_ asked you after he left?’ Offdensen asked with a look of mild reproach.

‘Not until after he quits de bands.’ He admitted guiltily. ‘I texteds him a lots afterwards, but he don’ts responds. Whats if he ams in troubles again?’ His voice rose gradually while he spoke.

Offdensen shook his head. ‘He’s not in trouble, as far as I know. I spoke to him on the phone earlier this week to discuss his financial affairs. He is still my client, after all.’ He went back to writing.

‘Wells, coulds you be a bit more forthcomings?’ Skwisgaar snapped.

‘I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that, Skwisgaar.’ Offdensen looked sternly over the rim of his glasses.

Skwisgaar walked up to his desk, supporting himself on the edge with his hands as he hung his head. ‘Please. I’ms sorries.’

‘Classic case of ‘you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone’, eh?’ Offdensen’s sharp tone modulated to something more compassionate as he spoke.

‘Ja, it -’ Skwisgaar felt hot tears prick beneath his lower eyelids, and was tempted for once to let them go in the presence of another person.

‘Have you considered the possibility that your texts are simply too little, too late for Toki? Or that you might be using the wrong tone to address him?’

‘It have crosseds my minds…’ It had, but he had been too arrogant, too certain of Toki’s friendship to seriously consider it.

‘I am going to give you the same advice as I gave you last time. Why don’t you try actually calling him instead of using me as a middle man?’ Offdensen gave no ground.

 Skwisgaar nodded automatically.

‘Can I be honest with you, Skwisgaar? I’m very surprised and disappointed that you have let it come this far. Dethklok worked with Toki in it, and now we’re gambling it all on a new guy. It’s my job to know my clients well, but I would have thought that in all the years that you have worked with Toki you would have gotten to know him a bit better, too.’ He let out a controlled breath. ‘And you know what’s more? I think it’s killing him that he has gotten no support from his friends whatsoever, and it’s killing him that he’s all alone up there.’

Subconsciously, Skwisgaar knew all of that, but he was just incapable of letting it in after all this time of disregarding his emotions. It was like an eternal glacier had frozen his heart ever since… well, forever really.

‘How did he sound?’ He asked.

‘Drunk. Hoarse. Trying to put on a brave face.’ Offdensen bit at him.    

The memory of dumping a comatose Toki under a shower after he had fallen down a flight of stairs drunk flashed before his eyes. If the aftermath of his father’s death was anything to go by, Toki would not stop drinking until somebody physically stopped him. There was no one there to keep him in check, not a single reason for him to stop now, and he had been through exponentially more shit since that time.

‘What dids he calls about?’

‘To add a Lillehammer based organisation that offers musical therapy to abused children to his charities, and to up his annual donation to the Wish-for-something foundation and the hospitals affiliated with it. Nothing that concerns you.’

His stomach dropped, and he tried to calm himself by remembering that Toki had never actually tried killing himself before even though he sometimes mentioned thinking about it in passing. It did not work. He wormed his phone out of his pocket and swiped through his contacts for Toki’s number, pressing the green call-button with trembling fingers.

He shot a helpless, panicked look at Offdensen as he held the phone to his ear.

‘ _The number you are trying to reach is currently unavailable…_ ’

‘Are you calling Toki now? What’s wrong, Skwisgaar?’ Offdensen asked urgently.

Dialling again, he got the same cool, female voice.

‘ _The number you are trying to…_ ’

He felt all the blood drain from his face.

‘Charles… I needs to goes to Norway right now.’

 

 


	6. Battle against time

As airports went, Hamar was not particularly large or busy, but Skwisgaar still felt lost when he stumbled out of the terminal with his guitar case and an overnight bag. He had made it to Norway in record time, but now what? Charles had not been able to pinpoint Toki’s exact location, but he had to be in the general vicinity of Lillehammer, in the mountains surrounding the lake. Perhaps once Skwisgaar got service on his network he could call him – though he had no idea what he would do if there was no answer.

Fighting down the panic, he searched frantically for the first train to Lillehammer. The departures board read that it would leave in five minutes. Skwisgaar never ran, but he did now, clipping people with his guitar case as he made for the train platforms. He arrived just in time, sweat breaking out underneath his hat as he inelegantly sank down into a seat. Stuffing his hat into the pockets he struggled out of his white parka, opening his bag to locate his phone and turn it back on. It had poor reception at first, but as he put his guitar case across his lap to unpack his Explorer he got a welcome text message from the regional network.

He dialled Toki’s number immediately, knuckles turning white with the force of his grip on the neck of his guitar as he held his phone to his ear, and this time it rang on the other side. Toki did not pick up, but Skwisgaar was relieved to hear the number was available again. Something had changed, so Toki must have switched it on. He would just have to keep trying every now and again. The call went to voicemail three times after ringing endlessly before Skwisgaar gave up for the moment.

Whiling away time by silently putting his fret hand through some precision exercises he invented on the spot he could almost let go of the urgency of his mission, but it still struck him in waves of nervous nausea every now and then. He should probably eat the muffins Jean-Pierre had packed for him, but eating while stressed was not really his forte.

 As the train rolled into Lillehammer Station he tried calling Toki again, but there was still no answer. Where could he possibly go to find Toki’s place? Lillehammer was surrounded by mountains from all sides. Walking into the city centre he got an idea. He had been here before, and he sort of knew at least one person who lived here. It was worth a shot.

 

The snow covered trail was incredibly steep, and despite the temperature of -10, he was sweating like a pig by the time he made it from the last bus stop to the ancient church. The beauty of its dark age architecture made him pause a moment to appreciate the intricate woodwork. The overlapping roof tiles were faintly reminiscent of dragon scales as he looked up in awe.

Circling around the church to the house he was looking for he tried to catch his breath, but the altitude and the exertion did not make it easy. There was no door bell, so he knocked on the ornamented wood of the door.

‘Toki, er det deg?’ A female voice called from inside.

‘Ursäkter, Mrs Wartooth, nej.’ God, he was such an idiot. She probably did not even speak Swedish.

Mrs Wartooth opened the door, fastening her veil with a pin. She looked him over uncertainly.

‘You’re Serveta’s boy, aren’t you? Skwisgaar?’ She asked in passable English.

He nodded, taking off his hat and sunglasses. ‘Please, Mrs Wartooth, I was wonderings if you could tells me where to finds Toki.’

‘Of course. He has a cabin a couple of miles from here.’ She hesitated. ‘You look tired, how did you get here?’ She looked over at the trail as if she expected to see a car.

‘Which way ams it? I better gets walkings.’ He shouldered his guitar case with determination.

‘Hold on, Skwisgaar. You walked here? From where? Didn’t Toki come to pick you up?’

‘He doesn’t knows I’m here.’

‘You didn’t call him?’ She asked.

‘He amen’ts answering.’ He said, panic flaring once more.

‘He gets like that sometimes. Let me try for you. Come in. Do you want some tea?’

Skwisgaar followed her into the ancient house. Mrs Wartooth put the kettle on and dialled Toki’s number on an ancient telephone in the hall. It was silent for a long time before he heard her leave a message.

‘Toki, Skwisgaar er her for å se deg. Please call either of us back when you get this, because I can’t send him across the mountain on foot.’

Skwisgaar hung his coat on the ladder-back chair and sat down for tea with Toki’s mother. He should feel less anxious knowing that Mrs Wartooth at least knew where he lived, but that was completely negated by the fact that Toki did not answer her call either.

‘How far ams it, Mrs Wartooth? I coulds just walks.’ He pressed.

‘It’s ten miles, Skwisgaar, I don’t think you will make it before dark. I won’t have you getting lost in the mountains; Lord knows what could happen to you.’

‘But I needs to goes -’ He protested.

‘You’re worried about him.’ She fixed him with a soul-searching stare.

‘Ja. Very.’ A frustrated noise escaped his throat. ‘Why amen’ts he picking up hims phone?’

‘I wish I knew. Maybe he just doesn’t want to talk. He was… very upset when I spoke to him last week.’ 

Skwisgaar buried his face in his hands. This was looking worse by the hour.

‘Listen Skwisgaar, here’s what we’re going to do. You’re going to stay here tonight, we’re going to keep trying to reach him, and if he hasn’t answered by tomorrow morning I will walk you there.’

However much he wanted to leave right away, he could see the sense in Mrs Wartooth’s plan. The sun was already dropping behind the peaks, he had no stamina to speak of, and he would not know what to do if Toki was not at home. Freeze to death, probably.

‘Tack så mycket, Mrs Wartooth. That’s very kind of you.’ 

 

*******

‘Åpne døren, Toki!’ The pounding on his door intensified as he made his way from the kitchen.

‘Venn litt, I’m coming, alright!’ Opening the locks with his jiggling keys as he stuffed a sandwich in his mouth did not go as smoothly as Toki would have wanted, but eventually he stood face to face with Ronke.

‘Are you ready to go? The others are waiting in the car. Come on, we’ve got a long trip ahead.’

‘Let me just grab my tickets and I’m good to go.’

‘Are you wearing that? You’re such a boring death metal douche.’ Ronke threw a disparaging look at his blue shirt and cargos.

‘Yeah, and you’re a walking black metal cliché.’ Toki gave him a friendly shove. ‘How can you even drive with all those spikes blocking your view? Oh, one more thing.’ He grabbed a cluster of plastic bags filled with snacks.

Folding himself into the backseat of Ronke’s car next to two of his friends he dumped the bags on their laps by manner of introduction.

‘What’s in the bags?’ The guy next to him said, sticking his head in. He looked to be a couple of years younger than Toki, but it was hard to tell through the make-up.

‘Oh, I’m usually in charge of snacks.’

Shaking their hands he tried to remember their names all at once. Jostein was the guy in front with stringy hair that was even blonder than Skwisgaar’s and Eivind was a scrawny version of Ronke, with long black hair and a labret. The younger guy was called Ole, and his blond roots were showing above the faded black dye on his loose curls. They were wearing all black to a man, spikes and corpse paint everywhere.

‘Oh wowee, what are you guys playing?’ Toki asked, immediately caught up in the battle of Sorcery: the Convergence that was going on in the backseat.

‘Oi, don’t tell me you’ve never played this before, Toki!’ Eivind exclaimed over the sudden roar of the engine and the ambient sounds of a Burzum intro. ‘Somebody give this nerd a deck - We’re going to show you.’

After three hours and two rounds of Sorcery that Toki lost soundly Jostein and Ronke switched places at a gas station. Ole got it into his head that Toki needed some corpse paint, too.

‘Eivind, pass me my bag, we need to make Toki a bit more presentable if he’s going to hang with us. Sit still, dude.’ Ole fixed him with his grey eyes, putting a steady hand under his chin.

‘That’s the car that’s moving - don’t make me look like an idiot, alright?’ He protested as Ole began sponging his face white.

‘Nah, this is going to look brutal. Hold back your hair.’

Toki drew it out of the way and put it in a ponytail.

‘Shit, I got paint in your moustache. How do you normally do that?’ Ole asked, laughing helplessly.

‘I don’t know, just work around it, I guess.’

Nathan had first taught Toki how to fix his corpse paint when their shows got a little more theatrical. He had not had any facial hair back then, resting his chin in Nathan’s abnormally large hand as he transformed him. ‘Don’t move, dildo,’ Nathan had scolded when Toki had shied away from the eyeliner. Thinking about that hurt more than it should, the gaping hole in his chest swallowing the cheerful buzz from earlier. Was it too early to start drinking?

‘I fucking love this song!’ Ole used an eyeliner pen as a drumstick, playing the parts on the back of Jostein’s seat, flailing with his arms and headbanging as wildly as his seat belt allowed.

Eivind joined him on air guitar, and Ronke and Jostein exchanged a long-suffering look that only lasted until the chorus started, because they were all singing, then. Badly. Toki felt his face break into a dumb grin as his fingers mimed the simple rhythm riffs. Maybe he was going to be okay after all.

The fjords came into sight as they approached the coast talking about band dynamics. Actually, it was more gossiping about the other two members who were driving in another car with their girlfriends, but nobody really seemed to care that was what they were doing. The members of Hestkuk had a nice equilibrium between bandmates and close friends from which Dethklok could have learned something or other.

‘Did we set a new date for the rehearsal yet, or are you going to play without me?’ Eivind asked as they drove into Bergen, remembering he was unavailable for the original date.

‘Right, you had that deadline for your PhD that week. Eh, don’t worry about it, we’ll reschedule for you.’ Jostein replied, looking back in the rear-view mirror.

‘Let’s talk about that later, guys, we’re here!’ Ole exclaimed, pushing Eivind out of the car in the parking garage of the venue. ‘Come on, Toki, we’re going to have a good time!’

‘Don’t mind Ole,’ Ronke said under his breath. ‘He’s sort of the band baby.’

‘What do you think I was in Dethklok?’ Toki retorted. ‘I like him.’

It used to be so great to have four older brother figures that teased him and had his back, but he guessed he had read too much into it. He had needed them more than they needed him, and that was just too fucking bad. The sooner he got over that, the better. At least he was making new friends.

‘Who of you dildos is going to help me carry some beers?’ Toki called as they pushed into the concert hall, screams and blast beats assailing their ears.

It took Toki and Ole absolutely no time at all to get sloshed, surfacing only from the mosh pits to get more beer. When the third band appeared on stage Toki had sweated off most of his corpse paint, and he had lost his shirt somewhere in the crowd. Ole bodychecked him as soon as the singer stopped talking and the drummer counted their first song in, and Toki responded by shoving him back into a bunch of burly dudes with drinking horns at their side. Caught up in an emerging circle pit he scratched himself on someone’s spiked armguard, but he barely felt it through the haze of alcohol.

Ronke and Jostein had agreed to stay sober to drive back, and they lingered at the back of the crowd, nodding their heads in time to the music. Late in the afternoon Eivind introduced Toki to Hestkuk’s remaining members and their remarkably pretty girlfriends, but the names did not stick as he slurred a vague greeting.

 

Ronke retrieved Toki and Ole around dinner time so the entire group could go out for burgers together. He gave Toki a shirt with an indecipherable logo that he had bought at the merchandise stand so he could cover up before they went outside. The freezing evening air sobered Toki up a little, and he was able to hold a conversation with one of the girls over supper in some random fast food joint. It was a little fuzzy around the edges and his unfocused stare kept distracting him with her shiny blood-red lips and her low-cut lace top, but he listened with interest as she told him about her research in Neurobiology.

The topic changed towards the plans for the rest of the evening, and it turned out there was going to be an after party at the same venue. Everyone voted in favour of staying under cliché catchphrases as ‘sleep is for the weak’ and ‘no rest for the wicked’.  

Dinner made Toki lethargic, and he took it a little easier during the set of a band called Marat Absuhl, hanging back with Ronke to enjoy the acoustics at the back of the hall. Ole had no such sense, and he came to drag Toki to the front of the crowd to see his favourite band.

They ended up squashed between a group of cute girls in PVC against the crush barrier. Toki had to keep wiping Ole’s hair out of his face, but he had to admit it was a decent show, even though the music was not really his taste. Halfway through the set the sweaty guitarist who also did the vocals invited the singer of the headlining Swedish band Vittsjörduk on stage as a guest musician. A ripple of glee went through the crowd as they wrapped an arm around each other and the bearded singer went in for a sloppy French kiss before turning to the crowd with a wicked glint in his eyes.

The girls next to Toki whooped and hollered, and Toki felt his knees buckle at the sight. Long repressed thoughts clawed their way to the forefront of his mind, but he was still drunk enough not to let them bother him too much. The band launched into a heavy song with a call and response between the guitarist’s screams and the singer’s deep growls. The constant pushing and shoving of the pit behind Toki and the non-abating rain of beer were a blessed distraction from the uncomfortable tightness of his pants. It had been a while since he had felt attraction like that. Toki was still in a daze when the band exited the stage, but Ole tugging on his arm brought him out of it.

‘Toki, I don’t feel so good. I’m going outside for a minute.’

Thirty seconds later Toki found himself holding Ole’s hair while he began blowing chunks into the snow, murmuring some nonsense like ‘better out than in’ and other dumb shit that Pickles used to tell him. He missed his friends so goddamned much - he could not stop thinking about them even on a day like this. The whole thing made him want to walk straight up to the bar and slam down some vodka, so he did, with a faintly green looking Ole in his wake. They got back to their previous spot in time for the headlining act, but to Toki it passed in a blur of wicked eyes, noise and light.

 

*******

As night fell over Mrs Wartooth's house she lit a set of gas lamps that predated even the ancient telephone, but Skwisgaar did not need a whole lot of light to play guitar. He could probably do that in his sleep. How long would it have been since the interior of the house had last been updated? Judging by the outdated Hammond organ, it had to have been somewhere in the sixties. He wondered if that was where Toki had learned to play the piano. He had never asked.

'Mrs Wartooth, where did Toki gets hims musical talent?' He inquired, stopping his nervous fretting. His left hand was starting to ache from the stretching exercises he had been playing half the day.

'Not from his father,' Toki’s mother smiled, closing the Bible she was reading by the hearth. 'Aslaug couldn't keep in tune to save his life. I used to enjoy singing in my church choir when I was young. Toki was always hanging around the organist on Sundays from the time he could talk; he loved the music. When he was a little older we allowed him to stay after service to take lessons. The organist always said Toki was his best student.'

'Ams dat so?'

Skwisgaar felt a faint swell of pride at what Toki had accomplished at a young age despite his adversities.

'Where dids he learn to plays de guitar?' He asked.

'Do you mean to tell me that in all this time you boys have worked together that topic never came up? How long has Toki been with your band? Fifteen years?'

'Twelve. He was seventeens when we meets him.' He corrected.

There was a question in Mrs Wartooth's eyes that she did not dare ask.

'He hads been livings on de streets a while before hims auditions.' Skwisgaar supplied.

'I always wondered how he had managed to get out of the country after he ran away.' She said in quiet contemplation.

'Toki cans be incredibly resourceful when he wants to be.' Skwisgaar had no idea either. 'Our managers arranged hims naturalisation, I think. Toki don'ts like talkings about de past.'

Skwisgaar didn't like talking very much at all, so it wasn't that strange these things had never come up.  A haunted look passed over Mrs Wartooth's features. What hand had she had in Toki's fucked up childhood? Had she stood by, tried to stop it, or actively contributed to the ugly scars on his back? Skwisgaar tried not to judge without knowing the details, but anger smouldered in his gut on Toki's behalf.

Mrs Wartooth buried her nose in the Bible again.

'You can sleep in Toki's old room if you're tired, Skwisgaar.' She offered quietly. 'It's the second door on the right down the hall.'

The Spartan furnishings explained a lot about why Toki had never gotten the hang of opulence like the rest of them – why he had always simply been happy with his boyish room at Mordhaus. Everything from the bed to the desk was unadorned wood, the walls were bare and a scratchy wool blanket served as a duvet. The way Skwisgaars own mother had provided for him despite their poverty suddenly seemed a lot less bad in comparison. The only books on the shelf were outdated school books and children's Bibles. Life outside this sectarian bubble must have been so overwhelming for Toki.

Murderface liked to say that Toki was fucked in the head, but Skwisgaar was feeling more respect for the way Toki lived his life every day. He never gave up on friends or making the best out of a bad situation no matter how crappy the cards he got dealt. It made them all incredibly selfish bastards. Edgar Jomfru had been right to call them out on it while they argued the semantics of calling Toki their brother instead of their band mate. Why had these realisations been so long in coming to him?

 

*******

Toki was pretending to listen to Ole speaking about his favourite moments of the concert at the after party, but he kept zoning out. When he asked for a glass of water at the bar the singer of Vittsjörduk crowded into his space.

‘Dids you likes de shows?’ His accent triggered something ugly in Toki.

The singer had pulled his hair back into a half tail and was still wearing a leather jacket over his hairy chest. A little too rough around the edges for Toki's tastes, but the way he had kissed that guitarist made him infinitely more attractive.

‘Yeah, the sounds was great.’ Toki slurred. He had no idea what they had sounded like.

‘No, I means de other shows. I sees you lookings, you knows.' The singer waved the guitarist of Marat Absuhl over and slung an arm around him.

Toki’s face burned, but he saw no point in denying it, so he nodded. They introduced themselves as Soren and Kristian.

‘We’ve got the hotel across the street. Do you want to come hang out with us?’ The black-haired guitarist asked with a suggestive smile before sipping straight from a bottle of bourbon.  

With his inhibitions out the window by grace of his excessive drinking, it took Toki a mere second to knock back his water and hop off his barstool to follow them. He only asked himself what the hell he thought he was doing when - what was the singer’s name again? - Soren had his hand knuckle-deep in his ass as they knelt on a generic hotel bed. The guitarist, Kristian, climbed onto the bed with them after shedding the last of his clothes and put his mouth on one of Toki’s nipples. Toki could not stem the tide of soft curses flowing out of his mouth as they worked him over, kissing him and each other in turns, hands everywhere sliding and pulling until he was on fire.

‘How does you wants it, Tokis?’ Soren asked, and Toki was lost.

‘Fuck me like you means it. I don’ts care how.’ He panted hotly.

This was not really happening anyway.

Soren pulled him into his lap and breached him without further ado. Alright, he was awake now. God, that smarted. He had not let anyone fuck him for ages. The singer was very vocal about his appreciation for Toki’s body, and even though it was borderline amateur porn it was nice to hear. Thick arms pulled him close, and he groaned into Soren’s long, damp hair as a second pair of hands travelled up his body. It wasn’t long before the singer spent himself, and Kristian impatiently lifted Toki off him, making him kneel upright again. Black hair spilled over Toki’s shoulder as the other man pulled him close.

‘Is this okay?’ Kristian murmured in his ear.

‘Ja, sure.’ He pushed back against the pressure. It looked like he was going to be a cum dump tonight, and guess what, he was too far gone to care.

The hand that wrapped itself around his cock did little more than edge him endlessly, which was torture. It had been so long since he had been with someone that he had almost forgotten the reason why he had given up on it in the first place. He had proven himself incapable of coming in the presence of a partner for some reason, and it always ended up being aggravating for him and humiliating for them.

Guiding Kristian’s hand away to his hip, he focused on the bitten-off moans in his neck and the wet slide of the cock in his ass instead. He could still enjoy this by proxy, although he already felt weird about it as soon as the guitarist filled him up with a shout.

‘Whats does you needs?’ Soren asked as Kristian pulled Toki down onto the mattress, mouth hovering over his painfully hard cock.

‘I needs a minute. Where’s the bathrooms?’

Toki gingerly walked over to where they pointed. He was going to be immensely sore in the morning. Locking the door behind him he turned on the shower to drown out any noise and methodically stroked himself to completion. Stuffing his knuckles in his mouth to avoid making sounds, he ejaculated hard and painful against the tile wall before washing all traces of the unreal encounter away.

‘You’s leavings already?’ The singer asked when he emerged from the shower and gathered up his clothes. ‘Ams you okay?’ He inquired, petting the guitarist’s hair while they lay haphazardly on the bed.

‘Ja, it’s cool. I gots to go back to my friends - don’ts want to miss my ride home.’

‘We’d appreciate it if you didn’t blab to the media about this, by the way.’ Kristian added gently.

‘Ja, same goes for you guys. Not sure whats it would do for any of our reputation?’

‘Hang on.’ Kristian said suddenly. ‘You don’t mean to say you’re _that_ Toki?’

‘No, not at all.’ He said tiredly before closing the door on his surprised face.  

 

*******

 ‘Toki, hvor har du vært? We called you a million times!’ Ronke looked worried and irritated as Toki limped up to the group standing around the entrance of the venue.

‘I have no good answer… I blacked out.’ He deflected.

‘You showered.’ Jostein remarked.

‘Alright, I got laid. Sorry about making you worried. I forgot my phone at home earlier.’

The guys of Hestkuk all looked at him with gleeful expectance. They were not going to let this go.

‘By two dudes. Happy? Now can we go home?’ He snapped to a round of astonished hoots and cheers.

‘Alright, you slut!’ Ole smacked him on the back as they started towards the car. ‘Damn, Toki, how does shit like that just happen to you? Must be the perks of being famous…’

He had not expected them to be so cool about it, but then again, black metallers weren’t exactly known for their conservative attitudes. Funny, what an influence musical preference could have. The guys of Dethklok probably would not have dared to come within a ten feet radius of him if shit like this had gotten out for fear of catching something. What a bunch of dildos.   

Jostein growled something that sounded like a drawn out ‘sodomy’, cracking them all up as they toppled into the car, exhausted. Ronke handed Jostein a can of energy drink as he geared up to drive, its sour smell filling the car and crippling everyone’s taste buds.

Toki watched the sun rise over the fjords, the dark waters glinting with the weak winter sun where it dispelled the shadows of the snow-covered cliffs. Eivind’s head lolled onto his shoulder within ten minutes, and Ole sagged against the window on his other side. It took Toki a while to ignore the weird cocktail of guilt and longing that swirled around in his stomach, but he, too, drifted off.

 

‘Våkn opp, Toki, we’re almost at your house.’ Ronke called from behind the wheel.

Toki’s stiff neck protested as he tried to lift it from its awkward position against the low headrest. The heavy, warm weight of two stinking guys pressed against both his sides, and he was desperate for some water and a change of clothes.

‘Fy faen,’ he moaned incoherently as Jostein turned up the radio to shock them all into awareness.

Ronke forced the car up the trail right to Toki’s front door, which Toki found extremely considerate.

‘Were you expecting someone? There’s a guy playing guitar on your porch. Look.’

Toki bolted forward to look out the windshield as they drove up.

‘No, I wasn’t… ’ He stammered, shaking his head.

What on earth was Skwisgaar doing here? That sick feeling was back in full force. He was in no shape to deal with this sort of crap.

‘Hei, isn’t that Skwisgaar Skwigelf?’ Eivind hissed. ‘Fuck, he’s so awesome.’

‘No, he’s an asshole.’ Toki disagreed.

Skwisgaar sat frozen, hands hovering over the strings of his Explorer, staring into the headlights.

Eivind exited the car to let Toki out and hollered: ‘Skwisgaar, you rock!’ before jumping back inside. Ronke rolled down his window.

‘Are you going to be okay? Do any of us need to stay with you?’

‘I can handle it, thanks.’ Toki was not sure why he declined.

‘Alright, if you’re certain. See you around, then. Sleep tight!’

‘You, too.’ Toki waved at them as Ronke turned the car around.

Ole rolled down his window, too.

‘Try not to puke in the car, you big baby!’ Toki teased, more light-hearted than he felt.

‘Try not to have any more “black outs” this weekend.’ Ole flung back mercilessly. ‘See you later, butt slut!’

He stared after them until the car was gone from sight before turning to Skwisgaar with a feeling of trepidation.

‘Tokis, where haves you been?’

Skwisgaar looked livid as he put his Explorer aside and dusted the snow off his pants. Toki backed up when Skwisgaar approached him, which seemed to give him pause. He opened his arms instead.

 ‘Never minds, I’s glad you ams here now.’ He said quietly. ‘You just goings to stands dere fors a while?’

Coming to his senses, Toki fished for his keys.

‘I’m sorry. Come in.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ole, Eivind, Jostein, Arvid and Marius are characters from my original novel Jeg Faller. Hit me up if you're interested in reading it.


	7. It's not too late to find a way

Mrs Wartooth had woken Skwisgaar before the crack of dawn to walk him to Toki's cabin. They trudged across the snow-covered trails for the better part of three hours, and Skwisgaar was not sure if he regretted not having eaten anything before setting off or if he was glad he had nothing in his stomach to get rid of. As the sun rose over the sloping mountains the Explorer was a dead weight on his back, but it felt good to be on the move even though it was slow going. At least he was doing something substantial towards finding Toki.

He left Mrs Wartooth at the clearing where Toki’s car was parked - she had to return to lead the Sunday service at her church on time. Toki’s mother was confident that Skwisgaar would manage on his own, so he followed the trail up to Toki’s cabin alone. Weak sunlight filtered through the trees and illuminated the tiny log cabin as Skwisgaar stomped up the porch to pound on the door. The icicles spiking the overhanging eaves at the edge of the snow covered roof glittered shone with the reflected light.

There was no answer for a long time, and no movement was visible through the windows either. When Skwisgaar pulled out his phone to call Toki’s number he heard the familiar Dethphone ringtone from inside the cabin. Panic hit him square in the chest. Toki’s car was here, and so was his phone, his house was abandoned and then there was that phone call to Offdensen. Should he force the door? What would he find inside? What on earth should he do? He was too late, wasn't he?

Throat constricting with the force of his panic, he sank down on the wooden steps and grabbed his guitar. He needed to distract himself from his panic long enough to form a coherent thought. Shredding yielded no good ideas apart from going back to Toki’s mother or calling the police, and he was still flitting between those options when the rumble of an engine approached. A dirty black car pulled up, heavy guitar riffs pounding through the chassis.

Skwisgaar stiffened, unsure what to expect. One of the back doors flew open, and dishevelled black haired metalhead tumbled out, hailing Skwisgaar in Norwegian before letting someone else out. It was Toki. Odin be thanked, it was Toki, and he was alive. Skwisgaar took a couple of relieved, steadying breaths as Toki quietly conversed with the driver before the car turned around. It ran stationary for a minute while another tired looking guy stuck his head out the window.

‘Ikke spy i bilen, du barn!’ Toki said with a tired laugh.

‘Ingen flere ‘‘blackouts’’ denne helgen, du utpulte ravholl!’ The other guy flipped him off, grinning.

Skwisgaar only understood the parts that were phonetically similar to Swedish, but did that guy just call Toki a fucked-out asshole? Who were these people? Dismissing them from his thoughts he decided that it did not matter. Toki was here. A week's worth of crippling worry fell from his shoulders as Toki turned to him.

Getting up on shaking legs he demanded to know where Toki had been, but that was not at all what he had intended to say. Toki stood rooted to the ground, looking worn-out, tormented and not at all happy to see him. Skwisgaar wanted to hug him and not let go for days, but Toki shied away to open the door.

Trailing after him into the hallway he tried not to inhale the pungent scent of beer and sweat that clung to Toki’s clothes.

‘Makes yourself at home.’ Toki said flatly while toeing off his dirty boots. He tried to cover up whatever he was thinking with a stony expression. ‘There’s foods and shit in the kitchens. I needs a shower.’ He disappeared into the bathroom without another word, locking it behind him.

Skwisgaar had never seen Toki so closed off and cold. Every last shred of his happy-go-lucky attitude that had still clung to him while he lived at Mordhaus had been stripped off.  It looked like all the shit he had been going through had caught up to him with a vengeance. Shrugging out of his coat, Skwisgaar made his way to the small kitchen to get some coffee going, at a loss for something to do. He had overreacted monumentally if Toki had just been hanging out with friends.

Toki showered for an abnormally long time, but when the water finally shut off Skwisgaar poured two mugs of coffee and took them to the sitting room. He almost tripped over a stray bottle of vodka on his way to the sofa, the only visible evidence that Toki was drinking again. Toki emerged from the shower with a towel around his waist and hair dripping onto the floorboards to turn up the thermostat.

‘It’s really fuckings cold in here,’ he griped, gooseflesh making the puckered scar of the stab wound in his side stand out purple.

‘No shit.’

Skwisgaar shivered in his sleeveless top. He was a moron for bolting to wintry Norway with just a change of underwear and a toothbrush. He bent to wrap his hands around his coffee mug when a white knitted jumper hit him on the side of the head. Toki carefully lowered himself onto the couch next to him in a Dethklok hoodie and blue sweat pants. After a long draught of coffee he fixed Skwisgaar with a non-comprehending look.

‘Why are you here?’

His icy blue eyes bored mercilessly into Skwisgaar’s, ready to cut through any bullshit excuse he might have had in mind. Before the abduction Toki's naiveté and his willingness to believe unwaveringly in the goodness of people had been a long running joke, but he had grown up.

Skwisgaar took a shallow breath, reminding himself of the worry and anxiety of the past week to force the honest truth out.

‘I needed to sees you.’

Maybe that was not the entire truth, though it was shocking enough if the look on Toki’s face counted for something.

‘Wowee, Skwisgaar, am I hearings this right?’ Toki’s voice hovered somewhere between disbelief and cynicism.

He curled up in the corner of the couch with a wry smile playing around his lips, wrapping his arms around his legs.

‘Whats?’ Skwisgaar asked uncertainly.

‘This is a really weirds weekend.’ Toki volunteered nothing else.

‘What haves you been doings?’ Skwisgaar was dying to know every last detail of what he had been missing.

‘I went to Bergen for this festivals with the guys of Hestkuk - that’s my olds friend Ronke’s band. It was real cools.’ His smile partially balanced out the dark circles under his eyes and his grey skin.

Toki had been out partying while Skwisgaar worried that he had killed himself. Somewhere deep down he appreciated the irony of that. 

‘Pfffft. You look pretties sloppy.’ He commented.

‘Yeah, it was kinds of intense. I only slepts a couple of hours in the car.’ Toki made a helpless noise. ‘I’m hungry as hell.’

‘Me too. I’ll gets you somethings.’

‘Thanks, Skwisgaar,’ Toki murmured appreciatively as he went to raid the kitchen.

 

When he returned with sandwiches Toki was dead asleep, sagging against the couch with his mouth open. Setting the plate on the coffee table Skwisgaar retrieved his Explorer from the hall and pulled the headphones from the Flying V leaning against the back of the sofa. The old model’s presence explained why had seen the Snow Falcon gathering dust at Mordhaus. He grabbed the fleece blanket that pooled on the floor next to it and threw it over Toki’s sleeping form. Drowning out the snores by putting on the headphones he began composing a new song.

After a while his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he took it into the hallway so he would not disturb Toki.

'Skwischgaar, what the fuck?' An annoying whine cut through the speaker as soon as Skwisgaar answered the call.

'Moidaface, ams dat you?'

There was not a whole lot of doubt in his mind who that lisp belonged to.

'Did you seriouschly just leave usch with 'bella figura' and fuck off to schee Toki?' He sounded indignant and pissed off, but that was nothing new.

'Huh, ja.'

That was exactly what he had done, and fuck everything else.

'Scho what isch thisch, fucking Brokeback Mountain Norway? What are we supposched to do while you guys sit up there like a couple of homosch?' The slurs rolled off Murderface's tongue as if he wasn't at all aware of how obnoxious he was being about the whole thing.

'Feelings lefts out?'

Skwisgaar didn't even grace the age old insult with a response. They both knew who got more girls.

'No! Yeah, kinda. How'sch that little dildo doing?'

Finally, he dropped the dumb front to get to why he really called.

'Don'ts know, Williams. He ams looks like hell. We shoulds never haves let him go.'

'Any chansche you can convinsche him to come back?' Murderface asked in a conspirational whisper.

'I intends to tries.'

'That'sch all I needed to know. Tell him I schaid hi.' The conversation was over as abruptly as it started.

Toki opened one eye when Skwisgaar sat back down in the couch, so he relayed the greeting. Nodding and closing his eyes Toki slept on, stretching to take up a little more space on the couch every now and then until his feet were pushing Skwisgaar against the armrest. When it got dark around the cabin Skwisgaar shook him.

‘Wouldn’ts you be more comfortkables in you beds?’

Toki woke with bleary eyes and a confused look. ‘You’re still heres?’

‘Ja. Not sures why, because you just fells asleep on me five minutes after I gots here.’ He was kidding, but it flew right over Toki's head.

‘Well, excuse me for not magically knowings you was goings to show up. Why was that again?’ Toki swiped at the hair stuck to the side of his face.

‘I tolds you.’ Don’t make me say it again, he thought.

‘I’m tired, I forgots.’ Toki yawned for emphasis.

‘I wanted to sees you.’ Skwisgaar said.

Toki raised a sceptical eyebrow at him.

‘I was worrieds, alrights? You don’ts ever picks up you phone, you don’ts text back… What de hells?’ The desperation of this morning was still near as his voice rose.

‘Your texts suck. All you ever does is complains and call me a dildos.' Leaning forward into his space, Toki narrowed his eyes. 'That pisses me off.’

‘Sorry. I makes it up to you, okay, Tokis?’ Skwisgaar supposed he owed him that.

‘Why? We’s done. I amen’ts in Dethklok anymore.’ Expression shuttering, Toki got up from the couch.

 ‘You ams still my friends.’ They were, weren't they?

 ‘I think we haves a very differents idea about whats a friends am.’ Toki sighed, dropping the blanket and walking to the kitchen.

Skwisgaar found him breathing heavily and white-knuckling the countertop while he stared through the wall, a curtain of hair obscuring his face. He put a hand on Toki’s back, and when Toki looked up his eyes could not hide his unspoken grief.

‘I’s serious, Toki. I wants to bes a more gooders friends to you.’

He also wanted Toki back in Dethklok, but he would have to deserve that first. 

 

‘So I was talkings to your moms yesterday. She tolds me how you learneds to plays de pianos, and then I thoughts: I don’ts even knows where Tokis learneds how to plays de guitars. It ams kinds of stupids.’ Skwisgaar tried for conversation while he piled ready-made lasagne onto his plate.

‘I was homeschooleds at first, but my parents couldn’ts keep me out of Ungdomsskole because the government was on thems ass abouts it, and we gots music lessons there. I picked the guitar because I already knew piano, you knows? My teacher gives me dis crappy grandpa’s guitars so I coulds practice at home cause he thoughts I had talent. My parents didn’ts like that.’ Toki replied between mouthfuls of food. ‘They was okay with the pianos because I coulds play psalms and Bach and shits.’

‘Ja, she didn’ts really wants to talk abouts it, changings de subjects and everythings.’ Skwisgaar huffed.

‘When I starteds listenings to metal with Ronke they tries to beat it out of me, but I didn’ts want to gives it up, you know? Not for anything in the woilds.’

‘Good thing you didn’ts.’

They would never even have met if it wasn't for metal.

‘Whats about you?’ Toki asked.

Skwisgaar could tell Toki wasn’t too happy digging up those memories, so he went along with the change of topic.

‘I never tolds anyone dis befores, but… I was runnings away from homes, chased by a pack of hungries wolves,’ Toki’s eyes opened wide as he listened. ‘and they drives me into a crevasse. I fells down, and dere was a giant statues of Odin and a Gibson Explorers. At de foots of de statue dere was a guy with a swords, dead, but I hads no troubles takings it. It was meants for me.’

‘You’s shittings me.’

Judging by the look on Toki’s face he thought it was such an awesome story that he was half-inclined to believe it.

‘No, really, little Toki. I gots my talents from de old gods.’ He scraped his plate clean with a smile.

‘Why were you runnings away?’ Toki pried.

‘I, eh,’ The topic made him a little queasy. ‘remembers how my moms ams… proscuiminous?’

‘Yeah, she’s a real big sl- Yeah, I do.’

‘Ja, I comes home from schools one day and deres two guys fuckings her on de couch,’ he shuddered.

‘Oh wowee,’ Toki said, mildly horrified. ‘How olds were you?’

‘Eleven. Dat kinds of torned my lifes upside downs. Guess beingks a slut ams hereditaries, huh?’

Toki hid his smile in his glass of water, and Skwisgaar nudged him under the table with his foot. He needed to see more of that smile.

 

Skwisgaar helped Toki do the dishes in silence, both wrapped up in their own distasteful memories as Skwisgaar wielded the brush and Toki the dishcloth. Not that they ever did the dishes at Mordhaus, but in any other situation Skwisgaar would have been on guard for Toki flicking bubbles in his face. He did not, which was somehow disappointing. They talked about the dumb bands Toki had seen in Bergen over coffee, and it was almost as if things were back to their normal status quo.

Skwisgaar started to feel the morning’s long hike in his bones as he sprawled on the sofa.

‘I needs some more sleeps.’ Toki rubbed his face tiredly. ‘Don'ts haves guest bedrooms, but you cans sleeps in mine beds or take de couch.’

‘Don’t thinks I fits on dis couch.’

He swung his legs up to measure. There was no way he was going to be able to sleep on it comfortably.

‘True, you am freakishly tall. Come on, then. I hopes you don’ts minds I move a lot in my sleeps.’

‘Pffft. I’s goings to sleeps like de deads. Dids I tell you I walked all de ways from your mom’s house? I haven'ts walkeds dat far since I left Sweden.’

When Skwisgaar finished brushing his teeth Toki was already asleep on the far side of the double bed, still wearing his sweats and hoodie. He understood why when he crawled under the icy covers in his underwear; the heating wasn’t on in the bedroom. It got bearable as he shivered and Toki twitched in his REM sleep, and he eventually got pulled under, too.

 

*******

'Sorry about the stabbing, my friend,' Magnus chuckled as he entered the dark cellar where he was holding Toki and Abigail, 'but you got a little too feisty up there. Didn't I tell you to stay with me?'

Toki groaned uselessly in response. His body was producing enough endorphins to take the edge off the pain, but only just. It had been a while since he had felt agony like this.

'Anyway, welcome to your new lodgings, please enjoy your stay.'

Magnus waved a hand around even though there was nothing to see but shadowed corners and a wall with tiles missing in places.

'Magnus, why?' Toki clawed at the metal collar around his neck. 'I thoughts we were friends! You saveds my life once -'

'Yeah, I'm not a terrible person, Toki. It just hurt so bad to get cast out of Dethklok only to be replaced by another Scandinavian shithead.' He produced a crude sewing needle, floss and a pair of rusty scissors. 'I should have been up there with them, not you.'

'Don'ts do this Magnus, you're scarings me.' Toki eyed the needle in fearful anticipation. He had never had stitches before, even for the worst of his welts, and the prospect of someone touching his wound made him want to cry.

'Toki, let him stitch you up, you don't want to get an infection.' Abigail whispered. 'Do you want me to go first?'

'I'll decide who goes first, missy.' Magnus leered at her. 'Hold still, buddy. You don't want me to mess this up.'

The needle dug deep into Toki’s skin, and Magnus had to use force to push it all the way through the edges of the wound. Squeezing his eyes shut and gritting his teeth against the blooming pain, he endured it. It wasn't as bad as the whip - only tiny pin pricks in comparison - but the drag of the uneven floss as Magnus tightened the knots was gruesome. A wash of a liquid that smelled like cheap whiskey poured over his side, stinging the raw flesh of the wound. Abigail found the power to curse Magnus to hell and back while he gave her a twin set of crude sutures through the tear in the pale top she was wearing.

When he was done Magnus grabbed them both by the hair, hissing that they ought to be on his side, that the world would thank him for capturing Dethklok.

'What do you you means? You just gots us.' Toki asked, confused.

'You're the bait. They'll come for you.'

Toki’s stomach did a backflip with the speed at which his heart was rattling in his ribcage. It was still dark, but his scar only tingled, there were no cursing voices, just even breathing to his left. The block of ice pressed against his calf turned out to be one of Skwisgaar's cold feet upon closer inspection.

Toki breathed deeply, fumbling for his phone. It was two in the morning in Norway, so it must be around eight in the evening in the US. Getting out of bed as carefully as he could without jostling Skwisgaar, he dialled Abigail’s number.

'Hey, Toki,' her smooth voice greeted him. 'It's been a while since I heard from you. How are you?'

He did not know what to say.

'Hi Abigails. Goods to hears your voice.'

'Are you alright, sweetie?' She was always very perceptive about his moods.

'No,' he whispered. 'I just hads a real bad nightmares about Magnus. Do you gets dat a lot?'

'Not as much anymore… I've never been much of a dreamer. The memories, though, sometimes they just... ambush me out of nowhere. I try to accept it for what it was; we got caught up in the senseless crimes of a lunatic, but that is the hardest thing. It doesn't make sense for this to have happened to us. Everyone around me expects me to deal with it a little better every day, but it doesn't work like that. We're still alive, sure, but we can't pretend that what happened will stop affecting us. '

Listening to her talk calmed Toki’s heart a little, but there was only one thing that could make him forget long enough to fall asleep again. The light of the fridge stung his eyes as he located a bottle of vodka and eased it out of the mass of liquor bottles on the bottom shelf.

'What did you dream about tonight, Toki?' Abigail asked softly.

'I dreams about the time he was stitchings up our wounds - when you offereds to go first so I wouldn't be afraids. That was so brave of you. I just can’ts get over how much of a fucking cowards I was, you knows? Didn’ts stand up to that bastard once.'

Toki curled up on the couch in the dark sitting room. He left unsaid what he had done to ingratiate himself in order to be treated better towards the end. No one alive knew about that part, and that had to stay that way.

'Toki, don't say that. You were powerless, in chains, wounded. You did not need to make it worse for yourself -'

'No, I should haves. I was readies to lick his godsdamned boots if he asked.'

He had been so weak, ready to yield anything under the threat of pain. His ten year-old self had been braver.

'Don’ts knows how you’re so strong. He’s still under my skin when I close mine eyes.’ Toki unscrewed the cap on a bottle and took a swig.

'Would it help if we hung out some time? Make some good memories to erase the bad? Come see me when you have time, and we'll have dinner and talk, okay? I'm going to go now because I have a meeting at Crystal Mountain records in a sec.'

‘Yeah, I comes sees you some times, sure. Thanks, Abigails. Takes care.’

He was such a baby for being unable to let this go. Abigail had gradually readjusted, taking her trauma in stride as she carried on with her life, but Toki was still a drunk, blubbering mess a year after the fact.

Skwisgaar quietly padded into the living room and sat down next to him, hands closing around Toki's to pry the bottle from his grip. He had not been happy to see Skwisgaar this morning, but he was glad for his presence now. 

'Dat doesn'ts ever helps, does it?' Skwisgaar sounded like he spoke from experience.

Toki shook his head. Drinking never solved any of his problems. Skwisgaar reached over to push the hood of his vest down so he could look Toki in the eye. The gentle gesture was enough to make the tears fall even though he was mortified to cry in front of him. Skwisgaar tentatively put an arm around his shoulders and Toki leaned into him, wrapping his arms tightly around Skwisgaar’s waist. When he realised he was spilling tears all over his shirt he tried to pull away, but Skwisgaar stopped him with a tight squeeze of his arms. Resting his chin on top of Toki’s head he smoothed a hand across his back and sighed.

‘Tokis,' he said gravely, 'whatevers you dids or didn’ts do… all dat matters to me is dat you ams still heres.’

‘Does it?’ Toki brought out bitterly.

He knew he should not be so hard on Skwisgaar; he was trying. It was just impossible to move past the mountain of rage and grief and helplessness. He could not overcome it on his own. 

‘Ja, Tokis. Believes me. I wish I done thing differentskly as well, but I can'ts goes back to change it.'

His hand rubbed awkward, uneven circles, but out of the handful of hugs Toki had gotten in his life this one was definitely the best. 'All dat's left ams de guilts and regrets, buts you can'ts lets it define you and lets youself fade away. It amen'ts too lates to finds a way...’

'Sometimes I really don'ts see an end. But I don'ts gots no courage to kill myself either.'

Skwisgaar's hand tightened in the fabric of his hoodie.

'I thoughts you hads, dis mornings.' He whispered, horrified.

Toki subconsciously pulled away to look at him. Skwisgaar's eyes were tight with worry.

'Promise to me you won'ts.' Skwisgaar pleaded, voice breathless and unstable.

'I won'ts.' Toki shook his head solemnly. 'Can'ts stop thinkins about it, though.'

'Jävla helveta, Toki…'

Skwisgaar's long, bony fingers gripped him tight, and he could feel Skwisgaar’s heart hammering against his face through his ribcage. Silence stretched between them with the weight of their words.

'We shoulds goes back to sleeps.' Skwisgaar suggested, releasing him.

His lean leg muscles corded at he rose from the sofa. He held out a hand, and Toki let himself be pulled up.

'Things always looks way more worsers at nights, especially heres.'

As Toki burrowed under the duvet Skwisgaar gave him a nudge.

'Turns on de fuckings heatings on.'

'Heatings ams for pussies.' He grumbled, but he did as he was asked, since Skwisgaar did look cold, shivering in his sleeveless shirt and underwear. 'Why didn'ts you brings more clothes? You knows whats winters am like up here.'

'I panicksed, alrights? Now shuts up and sleep.' Skwisgaar did not like admitting to feeling anything but indifference and hatred.

'Don'ts blame you. Charles packed all mine clothes whats am goods for here.' He had not exactly been smart about it either.

'He coulds have done de same for me.' Skwisgaar complained.

'I'm Charles' favourite.' Toki gloated, though perhaps he shared that privilege with Pickles.

'Shuts up.'

'Nobodies asked you to come sleeps in mine bed, Skwisgaar. Though it ams kinds of like a cools sleepovers.'

Skwisgaar raised an eyebrow at him. 'We's too olds for sleepovers. Besides, it amen'ts very brutal.'

'I gots brutalities to spare, I can haves a fuckings sleepover.'

'Whatevers. Just don'ts expects me to builds a pillows fort with you.' Skwisgaar mumbled into his pillow. 


	8. Carry me away from the cold

The first thing Toki noticed when he blinked against the white light streaming through a crack in the curtains was that it was uncomfortably warm. The heating element next to his face was blazing and he was perspiring madly in his sweats. Kicking the duvet to the foot end of the bed produced a muffled protest. Skwisgaar sat up and snatched the blankets back with lightning speed, rolling himself into a blanket wrap with only his hair fanning out over his pillow.

'Good mornings to you, too,' Toki said into the opening of the blanket, resisting the urge to tug the gleaming blond hair.

None of the Dethklok guys liked it when he got affectionate, so he had years of practice suppressing that.

'Goes back to sleeps, it ams too fuckings earlies.' Skwisgaar groaned.

For all his ageless elf-like looks he had terrible morning breath, which filled Toki with unholy glee as well as a bit of disgust.

'So, what’s the plans?' Toki asked, peeling a corner of the covers off of his face. Skwisgaar had not mentioned how long he was staying, or what he expected to get out of his visit.

'De plans am to sleeps until two or three PM's like a normal days, ja?' He snatched the covers back and tucked it under his stubbly chin. It was a rare thing for him to not shave, and Toki stared at it for a second before asking his follow-up question.

'And then?'

'Don'ts know, Tokis, we climbs dat fence when we gets to it.' He cracked an eye open. 'Probablies plays guitars. Now gets out of my face.'

'How abouts we goes outsides?'

Toki kind of felt like stretching his aching legs for a bit after the weekends activities. Recalling the blurry memories of endlessly standing, pitting and letting himself be fucked into oblivion afterwards made his face flush hotly. The conflicted tingle in his lower body did not predict anything good.

'You know whats, never minds. Enjoy your sleeps.'

Toki stepped over his legs to bolt to the bathroom. Being embarrassed on Skwisgaar's account did not make any sense, because he was always having gross orgies with his groupies. However, it would not do to pop a boner in bed with his bandmate because he got it stuffed to him good and proper for the first time in ages. Once safely ensconced in the shower he let the water wash the clammy sweat off him along with the dregs of his earlier nightmare. He blushed furiously at the echo of a lilting voice praising the feel of his body and two sets of hands on his skin even though he had no reason to be ashamed. Allowing the memory to sweep him up, he leaned his forehead against the cold tiles of the shower. Being wanted – even if it was only for his body – made Toki feel a little more alive. Nothing better to bring him out of his dissociation with reality than the burn of being split open to the core. The drag of rough hands and cheeks and the sound of his name like an invocation drove him over the edge in no time.

'Toki!'

That was not going on in his head. He froze.

'Dids you falls asleeps in dere or cans I take a showers sometimes soon?'

'Thoughts you said you was goings to sleep in till two.' He fired back, crashing down from the high at the sound of Skwisgaar's drawl.  

'Huh, ja. Wells, I's awake now so we mights as well goes outsides.'

He relinquished the bathroom to Skwisgaar and got dressed. The teeth of his comb were stuck in a particularly bad knot when Skwisgaar called him, voice echoing off the tile walls.

'I needs you to gives to me some clothes ‘cause I rans out.'

'What kinds?' He yelled back while attacking the snarl from the other side.

‘All kinds!'

'Wow, you really dropped everythings and just ran to Norways without thinkings, didn’ts you?' He asked while sorting through his wardrobe for something that would fit.

'Shuts up and gives to me you clothes.' Skwisgaar padded into the bedroom.

'What dids the other guys even says? You gots a new guy in the Haus now, right?' Toki asked as he handed over a small pile of assorted garments.

'Ugh, I don'ts even cares. What's for breakfasts?'

'You can makes yourself some breads or eggs or some shits. Don'ts gots no Jean-Pierre here.'

Toki snorted into his coffee when Skwisgaar joined him at the table in the kitchen in his too short cargos.

'Don'ts laugh, it's you whats ams really tinies.'

 

Skwisgaar looked right at home in the pine forest, stark and icy and tall like the trees. Where Toki trudged through the ankle deep snow, Skwisgaar seemed to do a sort of majestic glide like an elf lord in Helly Hansen. Toki was endlessly tempted to start a snowball fight and ruffle his aloof exterior, but Skwisgaar's attempt at serious conversation stayed his hand.

Toki had long kept the details of his escape from Norway hidden because he could never be proud of it. It had saved him from a miserable life of drudgery on his parents' farm or a painful death from escalating violence, but the things he had done in order to make it did not win any awards for outstanding moral fibre. Now that Skwisgaar asked, however, it seemed as good a moment as any to come clean about some things.

Going to school with other children at eleven had slowly opened his eyes to what a fucked-up home life he had, and that beatings and labour of the kind that he faced after school were not acceptable by any standards. Child protective services in Norway were notorious for their mistreatment of children in the system, so he had had nowhere to turn but to his own resourcefulness. He had needed to get away from abusive figures of authority, and taking complete control of his own life was the only way forward. When he turned fourteen he vowed to himself that he would get out, inspired by the messages of individuality and self-sufficiency of the music Ronke let him listen to, and he began plotting a way to make it happen.

It had been a big challenge to keep his plan a secret, slowly learning how to effectively lie and hide his thoughts from his parents, teachers and friend the deeper he got into it. His plan took a year to execute because it depended on the stealthy acquisition of funds to get him out of the region. The church provided the perfect opportunity to balance out the misery its teachings had caused him.

Stealing made him feel guilty as sin in the beginning, but he got used to it. Every whip lash removed him further from any scruples he harboured. The irregular influx of donations into the offertory made it impossible to tell if anything disappeared, and Toki had hoarded notes and coins alike to exchange them into bigger bills for easy concealment and transport. As a minor he had not been able to open a bank account in secret, which was a major obstacle, but a few days after his fifteenth birthday he had stolen his passport from the drawer where his father kept their official documents, packed his ill-gotten funds in the case of his busted up acoustic guitar and taken a train to Oslo after school, never to return.

The anonymity of the big city had been his cover for the next year and a half, squatting here and there in winter, living on the streets if times were tough. Trying to save his funds for when he would need them he had played for keeps in subway stations and in front of grocery stores, earning barely enough to keep himself fed. But the scars healed, he was free, stray animals would keep him company every now and then and other street musicians sometimes let him play their electric guitars.

A few months before he turned seventeen the news reached him that Dethklok was holding auditions for a new guitarist in Florida, and he had known, then, what he had been saving his funds for: a work visa and a plane ticket.

Toki could not find it in himself to speak about the things he had had to do to acquire his first Flying V and survive on the streets in the US to Skwisgaar, so he left that part out. Skwisgaar seemed disturbed enough with the story as it was. 

'Holy shits, Tokis, you nevers catch a break, does you?'

'You has no idea.' He said glumly. 'But joinings Dethklok was worth it.'

'Ja, I remembers you big dumb smiles whens I tolds you you coulds be my rhythms guitarist. You must haves been so stoked to get rich.' Skwisgaar grinned.

'Actually, that was just bonus. I was most happies abouts havings other peoples in my life whats were mine friends. The connections we mades over guitarplayings was de best things.'

It had been nothing short of magical.

'For me, too,' Skwisgaar admitted. 'I only becames de best because I hads you support, even though I never gives you credits for it.'

'Hm. For me the musics ams more a way into other peoples' hearts than a contests.'

It was only when he spoke that thought out loud that he realised the biggest difference between Skwisgaar and himself. Skwisgaar considered that for a second.

'Dat sounds gay, Tokis.'

'You says that like it ams a bad things.'

He was not in the mood to let that remark slide.

'Whats?' Skwisgaar had not expected to be called out on it.

'Either beings gay _or_ wantings to connect with peoples.'

Neither of those qualities warranted a negative response in any scenario as far as Toki was concerned.

'Ja, I don'ts reallies know why I saids that.' Skwisgaar had the grace to look chastened.

A charged silence fell between them.

'Why dids you get out of Sweden?' Toki ventured.

Changing the topic seemed a better idea than continuing the conversation. Toki did not strictly identify as gay since he was attracted to girls as well, but he felt no need to share that with any of his ex-bandmates.

'If you don'ts minds, I woulds not talks about dat.' It was Skwisgaar's turn to look sullen.

'Yeah, okay.'

Maybe that was a story for another time. He slowed down and bent to scoop up a handful of snow, packing it together tightly.

Skwisgaar chased him all the way back to the cabin after a snowball hit him in the back of the head in a perfect arc.

 

*******

Running was completely undignified, especially floundering through the snow, but Toki deserved some retribution for starting a snowball fight. If Skwisgaar let him get away with it once he would never see the end of it. Icy wind lashed his face as they hurtled down the trail under a threatening sky.

Unfortunately, Toki was a lot fitter than he was, taunting him at the top of his lungs with his high-pitched laughter as he ran ahead, hair rippling on the cold breeze. Skwisgaar only caught up to him when Toki slowed in front of the cabin to scoop up more snow, and a good shove landed him face first in the powder. Toki flowed into an agile roll and regained his bearing to launch another snowball, which hit Skwisgaar in the throat with a dull thud. Crisp, cold snow worked its way into his coat and between his hair and neck, making him shiver as it melted.

Toki was laughing so hard that he couldn't summon the strength to get out of the crude arm lock Skwisgaar pinned him with, and he did not stop even when Skwisgaar started shoving handfuls of snow down the neck of his parka. Only when his laughter dissolved into giggled pleas for mercy did Skwisgaar let up, which earned him a flurry of loose snow to the face.

'Alrights, I's done. Knocks it off.' He spluttered, wiping it out of his eyes.

'Don'ts be boring! "I's Skwisgaar Skwigelf and life ams bleak and dark and onlies goods for guitarplayings and fuckings sluts".' Toki dropped his voice a register in poor imitation of his.

'Rights you ams, Toki. You don't happens to haves a sauna here, does you?'

He was fucking freezing with all the snow making its way into his clothes.

'Nope. Let's make hot chocolates, though!'

Toki took off his coat and shook it out before heading inside to the kitchen.

Skwisgaar settled on the couch with his guitar to get some playing in while Toki fixed their drinks. Plugging the headphones in, he only paid half a mind to the arpeggios he put his fingers through, thinking back on the conversation he had eavesdropped on in the dead of the night.

How could Toki be so critical about his own behaviour under the dire circumstances life had forced on him? Judging his own morality while his abusers had been absolutely ruthless in their treatment of him was just bizarre. If it had been him in Toki's place he would only hold an endless grudge against the ones who put him through those miserable experiences. He would have sold his own mother to spare himself – not that he cared too much about her in the first place.

On second thought, there was no knowing how he would have reacted, especially after years of abuse topped off by weeks of imprisonment. He had seen where Toki and Abigail had been held captive; a dehumanizing shithole, cold, damp and filthy. The half hour or so that he had been there had left enough of an impression that he sometimes dreamed about it. Nothing like Toki's nightmares, but still.

He watched Toki carry two steaming mugs into the room, ice crystals melting on the sleeves of his knitted Norwegian jumper and in the lengths of his hair. The couch dipped as he sat down, and he sipped his hot chocolate while he watched Skwisgaar play. Toki couldn't hear anything, but his eyes followed the movement of his fingers and most likely provided enough information to make the music sound in his mind.

He paused his playing under the guise of downing his drink when Toki's phone went off, hooking the headphones behind one of his ears to listen in. Following the conversation wasn't easy, because Toki spoke Norwegian with whoever it was and he only heard the one side of the talk.

The caller seemed to be asking Toki for a favour, and after agreeing to do it Toki wrote down an address and a time. It was something music related, he figured when Toki told the caller that he did not have GuitarPro on his laptop and asked if he could get some MP3's instead. Skwisgaar stared at Toki expectantly when he hung up, but Toki went to fetch his laptop from the dining table.

'Who ams dat?' Skwisgaar asked.

'Ronke Snogge. Thems guitarist Eivind ams swamped in research and they askeds if Toki woulds come plays with them. They already booked the studios.’

'And you's just goings to does that?'

What made those dildos think they could just ask Toki to play with them?

Yeah, sounds like funs. They're good pals.' Toki's reply was blithe.

'Toki, you ams way out of their league. With you kinds of skill-' He protested jealously, because that was what it boiled down to.

'So? I tolds you, musics ams more about havings fun with other peoples than being the best for me.'

Toki flipped open his laptop and began downloading a ton of MP3's from his email client.

'This music’s pretties easy. I coulds have their entire repertoires down by Wednesday.'

'Pfffft.' Skwisgaar scoffed as he listened along to the terribly cliché and badly executed riffs. 'They shoulds be ashameds of-'

'Can you shuts up fors a seconds?' Toki interrupted him. He grabbed his guitar and played along, occasionally jotting down chords and numbers to memorize the changes in the music. 'Ja, okay,' he murmured to himself, playing the song back and repeating it near flawlessly. Cursing as he made a mistake he glanced over at Skwisgaar. 'Stops lookings at me. Puts your headphones back on and plays your own thing.'

Skwisgaar was curious to see if Toki's playing had deteriorated much since he quit Dethklok, so he kept listening in spite of Toki's request. There was no telling if it had with this piss-poor excuse for metal. Toki made a number of small mistakes as he studied more and more songs. He swore softly at his 'slow, chubby fingers', glancing at Skwisgaar from the corner of his eye until he took his laptop and guitar and retreated to the bedroom.

The playing resumed there in a much calmer fashion, with Toki humming softly to himself as he repeated the seven songs he had figured out from the top.

'Toki, come play some real metals with me,' Skwisgaar beckoned through the door when he had heard enough. 'You gots an amps here?'  

'No, thanks!' Toki's reserved voice came. 'Don'ts gots no amps. You think I broughts an amps with me on the plane?'

'Huh, maybes? Comes out, let's plays some Dethklok!'

It had been so goddamned long since they had made good music together.

'Nah, you plays by you self. I gots to go gets some foods in Lillehammer.' Toki deflected.

'Don'ts be a babies, Toki!' He was getting a little impatient.

Toki yanked open the door.

'Skwisgaar! I saids no!'

Pushing past him, Toki went to pull on his boots in the hall.

'What ams wrong?' Skwisgaar trailed after him.

Pickles' voice inside his head already supplied the answer, but they probably needed to talk about this if his plan to get Toki back in Dethklok was going to work.

'Gives it a rest. Sees you laters.' Toki jammed a light beanie on his head that resembled the one he had worn as a teenager and grabbed a grocery bag.  

'Hej, waits! I'm comings with.' Thick snowflakes blew into his face as they stepped outside.

 

Biting his tongue while Toki drove them to Lillehammer, he decided to try and bring it up again once Toki was in a better mood. Diverting the conversation to the CD Toki had on in the car proved a good course of action; even though they disagreed about which songs were cool, at least it was a good-natured bickering.

In the supermarket they continued arguing in the same manner over what their dinner should consist of until they were hailed by a young man with a terrible black dye-job and inches of blond roots showing. Toki briefly introduced him as Ole, the drummer of Ronke's band, and Skwisgaar thought he recognised him as the one who had called Toki names out of the car.

Toki and Ole continued their conversation in Norwegian, which was kind of rude, but it did not stop him from listening in. Whispering in a conspirational tone about the weekend produced scarlet blotches in Toki's neck and a wide smile on the kid's too pretty face. Ole pressed Toki about why he hadn't called... someone, and Toki just shook his head while blushing furiously, asking if they could talk about it some other time. The conversation switched to Wednesday’s rehearsal; Toki asked directions to the studios, and they took their leave of each other, exchanging dumb smiles.

Something weird was going on between them, and it ticked Skwisgaar off to no extent that he did not know what. When Toki kept smiling to himself in silence throughout the rest of the grocery run it dawned on Skwisgaar that Toki might be gay for that kid. It did not make a hundred percent sense; he was pretty sure Toki liked girls even though he did not get laid a whole lot. It was kind of messy and none of his business, but he couldn't stop himself from asking in the privacy of the car.

'Does you likes dat Ole kid?' He ventured, studying Toki's expression.

'Yeah, we palled around a lot at the festival. He's cool.' Toki's face was an open book when he answered, but due to his innocent tone it could mean anything.

'Ja, shores, but does you wants to, you know?' He raised a suggestive eyebrow in the hopes that Toki would get it.

Toki kept his eyes on the road. 'What?' 

'Neverminds.' He would find out soon enough when Toki went to that rehearsal.  

 

Toki cooked something that looked altogether too healthy while Skwisgaar resumed his arpeggios on the couch. The smoked salmon was actually delicious, but he did not eat nearly as much of the stir fried vegetables that went with it as Toki did. Skwisgaar figured that maybe Toki hadn't been bothering Jean-Pierre as much as actually learning how to cook when he wasn’t punching Mordhaus' resident chef.

'Hej Toki, dat ams some pretties goods cookings.' He commented over the dishes.

'Yeah, I's been eatings unhealthy for way too long up here, so I thoughts I'd put some efforts in. Startings to feel a bit like I's destroyings myself from the insides out with only booze and pizza.' Toki pulled a face while he dried off an oven dish.

'You cares about dat stuff?'

Skwisgaar never had to worry much about his own body. It seemed to withstand the lifestyle well enough.

'I don't want to ends up lookings like you guys when I'm your age. Nathans, Pickle and Moidaface ams all overweights, and you looks more like a junkies every day.' Toki waved the dishcloth at him.

'My age? Pfffft, you's just a show-off.'

They were barely seven years apart. If it made Toki feel better he should just do all that dumb exercise stuff, but Skwisgaar could never stick with it.

'Bet you never gots asked to do a celebrities issue in Mans and Health magazine.' Toki said smugly.

'Dids you?' Skwisgaar asked, surprised.

When had he been doing that?

'Yeah, it’s supposed to come out around the holidays. Charles mades them photoshop all my scars though, that was totally lame. I thinks they look metal, but I can sees whats a fallout that woulds have.'

Skwisgaar wiped his hands on his pants and gestured vaguely at Toki's waist.

'Cans I see...?'

He had never seen the stab wound up close.

Toki lowered his eyes, but bared his stomach nonetheless. The cross-stitching on the jagged wound itself had scarred too, smaller pink lines intersecting the longer, horizontal one.

'Ams it still hurtings?' It looked painful even healed over.

'No, you can pokes it, look.' Toki took Skwisgaar's index finger and ran it across the ridges.

Skwisgaar's stomach did a flip at the feel of the torn and badly fused skin. The raw colouring was different from the pale scars that he knew stretched across Toki's back.

'It gots badly infected, so it ams real uglies now. Abigails gots a matching one, but hers healed betters.' Toki smiled wryly.

Something passed between them as their gazes met over the unsettling touch, and it was as if Toki was saying: _Now you see me, now you see how damaged I am_. This was a reality he had to live with every day, even though the people in his life ignored it. It made Skwisgaar want to tear out a part of his heart to fill the cracks in Toki's.


	9. Death and the healing

Whatever had awoken him before dawn, it could not have been Toki. Chest rising and falling with the even breath of deep sleep, Toki looked like he had not moved in hours. His ponytail covered the lower half of his face, hair fluttering on the currents of his exhales. Passed out, with his mouth slack and his eyes shut tight in the murk of the bedroom Skwisgaar was unpleasantly reminded of Toki slumping in Magnus' grip with the shock of a stab wound.

It was rapidly turning into one of those nights where he asked himself for the hundredth time why he had not paid better attention to Toki when Dethklok had temporarily disbanded.

Desperate for support during his first band break-up, Toki had latched onto the first person who had stepped in to offer it to him: Dethklok’s ex-guitarist Magnus. It should have been Skwisgaar. He had drawn Toki into the mayhem of life in Dethklok as a wide-eyed teenager; he should have been the one to look after him and make sure he landed on his feet.

Toki had not known under what circumstances Magnus had been kicked out of the band because no one had bothered to tell him. It had been over a decade, and Magnus seemed to have his shit together when they briefly met him after he had taken Toki under his wing. No one had wanted to stir up old grief. 

Skwisgaar had been too preoccupied with the shock of Cornickleson's murder and worrying about his own career to pay Toki's stunted social life any mind by the time the funeral rolled around. A little more care on his part could have prevented all of it. He was minted, the new projects could have waited. If he had just spent a little more time with Toki, then, he might have escaped unscathed like the rest of them.

It had been a little strange to see Toki sit with Magnus instead of the rest of Dethklok at the funeral, but Toki had a habit of gravitating towards other social outcasts when he felt alone. The rest of Dethklok was usually happy to let him, as long as it kept him from getting too clingy with them. They tolerated Dr Rockso because it kept Toki off their backs, and Magnus diverting the rest of Toki’s focus away from them was actually kind of convenient.

Surprisingly, even though that asshole clown frequently took advantage of Toki's kind heart, he had come through for him when Dethklok tried to rescue Toki, but they found out the hard way that Magnus had no such redeeming qualities. Weaning Toki away from his bandmates to gain his trust had created the perfect opportunity for the revenge Magnus had said would be coming thirteen years ago. The worst part was that Toki had had no hand in Magnus’ departure at all. He had only joined Dethklok long after the fact.

The elation of Nathan finally apologising to Pickles to save their friendship and get Dethklok back together during the eulogy quickly gave way to chaos and fear when Cornickleson's casket exploded and the Revengencers descended upon them. Offdensen fought tooth and nail to keep them out of the hands of the assassin, and Dethklok flocked together to shelter in his protection.

Skwisgaar did not even notice that Toki was not with them until Pickles and Nathan began yelling for him through the clouds of dust rising from the all-out battle. When the dust cleared they could see Toki struggling to get to the voices of his bandmates, but Magnus held him back by his arm, telling him to stay put with increasing intensity. Toki looked as confused as they felt and he panicked, his cry of pain rising over the din as Magnus yanked his hair to keep him in place.

The reality of the threat did not sink in properly until Magnus brandished a dagger for all to see, and shouted that his revenge had come. When he drove it into Toki's side and Toki's legs gave way beneath him time seemed to lag, and Skwisgaar moved as if through water, but Abigails scream sent the world spinning again as she, too, took a blade to the gut. There had been so much blood.

Skwisgaar had thought it was over, then, when Toki went limp in Magnus' arms. They could not even recover his body, there had been no goodbye, no closure to speak of before Offdensen shipped them into the Dethsub and they had made their escape into the ocean's depths. Toki was gone, and nothing but hollow emptiness remained.

Sighing heavily, he rolled onto his back to dispel the memory, but the feelings it evoked were not so easily dismissed.

The hours in the submarine preceding the meeting where Ishnifus announced that he believed Toki to still be alive had stretched endlessly, swallowing him up into a void of unreal loss. Skwisgaar had seen a lot of death in his time, but losing his little Toki brought a whole new depth of pain.

Toki huffed softly next to him, nose twitching against the hair that was tickling him. Skwisgaar reached over, brushing the ends of the ponytail out of his face. It helped to let go of the remnants of sadness and loss that clung to him. If only it would be so easy to find something that could bring Toki some kind of healing.

 

*******

Despite the glacial winds howling around the cabin Skwisgaar had managed to fall asleep again. Badly mixed black metal eventually roused him from a dream about losing his way in a blizzard. He had been trying to take an injured white falcon home with him, but the knowledge of the way home remained tantalizing beyond his grasp as he stumbled through the drifts of snow, sheltering the bird in his hands.

Toki's Dethklok hoodie lay unused on the foot end of the bed, and Skwisgaar annexed it along with a pair of sweats from the closet because his own clothes were still drying in the boiler room. He'd be damned before squeezing into Toki's cargos again - they barely reached his ankles.

Making his way to the sitting room with a plate of sandwiches and a mug of coffee in his hands he paused at the sound of heavy breathing punctuated by low grunts coming from beyond the door.

'Toki, I'ms comings in! You betters not be jackings off in dere!' He listened for a clue of what he might find beyond the door.

A bark of laughter answered him, and he opened the door handle with his elbow. Toki was doing push-ups with his legs propped up on the seat of the couch, his face red and his arms bulging with the effort. The veins on his forearms and temple looked like they could burst at any moment, and perspiration beaded in his hairline. He stepped over Toki's sweaty form to get to the other side of the couch and turned off the music coming from the crappy speakers of the laptop. It was too early for this kind of racket. He had not even had coffee yet.

'Hei!' Toki gasped.

He folded one arm on his back and balanced precariously as he resumed the push-ups with the other.

'I needs to memorise that.'

'You alreadies knows a lots of de songs. Most of dem ams C-minor power chords.' Skwisgaar pointed out uselessly.

After listening in on Toki's practice he was fairly certain he could play the bare bones of them by ear. Not to mention make them better.

'Don'ts know all of them! Yet!' He grunted, shaking with the effort.

'Dey don'ts needs you to knows de entire repertoires for one rehearsals. You's just a shows-off.'

Consciously or not, Toki definitely felt like he needed to impress someone.

'Whatevers. Don'ts gots nothing else to does anyways.'

Toki brushed his remark off, switching to his other arm and panting loudly now. That was impressive - Skwisgaar doubted he could do more than 20 regular push-ups.

'You sweaties butt ams kind of puttings me off my sandwich.' Skwisgaar complained.

He could not help putting Toki down if he was better at anything. That and Toki's boxer shorts were kind of riding up his crack.

'I was here first! Goes to the kitchens if you can'ts handle it.'

Toki lowered himself to the ground on a shuddering exhale nonetheless, rolling onto his back to glare at Skwisgaar. The scars stood out a little less obviously with his skin flushed from the exertion, he noticed. Toki shoved his feet under the couch and launched into a series of crunches with his arms crossed over his chest.

'Puts. My. Musics. Back. On.' He demanded breathlessly.

'Ja, alrights. When I's done eatings.'

'Fucks you.' He wheezed.

Toki finished his exercises at the same time Skwisgaar popped the last bite of the sandwich in his mouth, and they assessed each other, Toki narrowing his eyes and Skwisgaar scrunching up his nose and baring his teeth in challenge. Toki let him win the resulting scuffle for shower priority rights even though he could easily have knocked him on his ass. They shoved and overbalanced in the narrow space between the couch and the coffee table, causing Toki to let up with a 'watch out for my laptops'. When Skwisgaar pushed past him, Toki picked him up with his arms around his middle, making his stomach drop with the sudden motion. He threw Skwisgaar back onto the couch before he could worm his way out of his iron grip. Looking up at Toki’s a shit-eating grin Skwisgaar ignored the weird tingle in his gut and made a break for the bathroom. Toki did not chase him, satisfied to pad over to the kitchen and get a glass of water instead.

 

The cold and arid air on the mountain made Skwisgaar's hair dry and frizzy after washing it, so he stole Toki's hair tie while he was playing guitar with his headphones on. Easing it carefully down the gathered hair, Skwisgaar plucked it from among the lengths at the base of Toki’s spine. Toki had a rather boring hair colour, especially in the light of the overcast skies; Skwisgaar could never tell if it was light brown or dark blond. At least it was very consistent in how it fell straight down his back with little to no grooming, which was rather enviable. Toki protested mildly but let the theft go in favour of finishing his song.

'You still workings on dat crap?' Skwisgaar complained. Toki needed to give it a rest and play something good for him. Or with him - either was preferable to what he was doing now. 'Cans we go gets an amp in Lillehammer?' He asked Toki in the spur of the moment. It had been three days since he had properly played.

'Ams you serious rights now?' Toki raised an eyebrow at him.

'Ja, shores. Let's goes, dildos.' He had no idea how Toki had functioned so long without an amp. What self-respecting guitarist would deprive himself in such a manner?

Toki shook his head and got off the couch to shower. Skwisgaar took the Flying V from his hands, headphones and all, and played Toki's guitar for the hell of it while he waited. He missed the extra space the cut-out of his Explorer gave him on the closest frets, but it was not a bad instrument.

 

For a person who did not have their driver’s license Toki drove pretty well, even across the snow covered trail and the roads on the mountain. Granted, the roads here had nothing on the motorways in the US in the manner of traffic, but driving in Scandinavia presented its own challenges.

'So Tokis, what times ams de rehearsal tomorrow?' Skwisgaar asked. 

'Why you ask?' Toki frowned.

'I'ms comings along.'

Like hell he was going to bore himself to death while Toki went out.

'Eh, no, you amen'ts.' Toki said.

'Come on, why nots? What else ams I supposed to does, huh?'

'I don'ts care, Skwisgaar, plays guitar, sleeps.'

'Why nots, Toki?' He pressed.

'You hates the music, and I don'ts wants you mouthings off to my friends because you ams goings to think we plays shitty anyways.'

'I wills be de judge of dat.'

Toki did not reply. In fact, he did not react to anything at all anymore, not even to the corner coming up ahead on the winding road.

'Toki!'

Skwisgaar looked between his drained, horrified expression and the direction of the asphalt.

'Toki!'

Skwisgaar grabbed the steering wheel and the handbrake, throwing the car off course so it came to a stop between the trees on the right side of the road, scuffing the safety rail with a screech. The adrenaline coursed through his veins, making his hands shake as he unbuckled his seatbelt and tumbled out of the car to dry heave into the snow. That had been too fucking close.

Walking around the car to yank open Toki's door he figured that something must have triggered his PTSD - it was the bicentennial quarter incident all over again. He took the keys out of the contact before squatting by Toki's side. His hands were still gripping the wheel tightly, so Skwisgaar worked it out of his fingers while talking softly to him, his own heartbeat decelerating.

'Toki? Hej, Toki, it ams me.'

Taking off his gloves he rubbed Toki's hands between his own.

'Comes back to me, godsdamnit. We's all de way in fuckings Norways, don'ts makes me get dat asshole clowns to pulls you out of dis.'

Toki remained motionless and unseeing, his pale eyes opened wide in horror. Skwisgaar touched a hand to his cold cheek to force Toki to look at him.

'Listens to me, Tokis, you gots to snaps out. You was doings so goods todays, and I's real sorries if I saids somethings dat triggereds you.'

Snow was coming down again, the low hanging clouds shrouding the mountain in desolate fog. He needed to get Toki home; it was far too cold to sit by the side of the road like this.

'I's going to moves you, don'ts be scareds,' He warned before pulling Toki's rigid body out of the car.

He was heavy, a solid block of muscle, but adrenaline lent Skwisgaar more strength than he thought he possessed to carry him to the passenger side. He stuck to low gears and slow speeds as he carefully drove the car back the way they came. Like Toki, he occasionally hijacked the others' sports cars for joyrides, but driving in these weather conditions without the backing of experience made him nervous as hell. The car stalled a couple of times as he forced it all the way up to the cabin, but it was a better option than carrying Toki up the slope. Getting him inside the house nearly snapped his back in half, and he dumped Toki on the couch just as he was about to drop him.

Toki jolted from his catatonic state in confusion and he started thrashing.

'Hej, hej!'

Skwisgaar braced himself to fend off Toki's arms and pin them. Why did that guy have to be so goddamned strong?

'It ams alrights, calms down!'

Grabbing Toki's face between his hands he watched his pupils dilate and focus on him. The fight went out of him, and Skwisgaar rested their foreheads together.

'It ams alrights.' He murmured again, not necessarily for Toki's benefit alone. 'Whats does you needs?'

'A fuckings bottle of vodka,' Toki gasped.

'Anythings but dat.' Skwisgaar said sternly. 'I's throwings all you gosdamned booze out.' 

'Then push me off a fuckings cliff.' He bit out as Skwisgaar helped him out of his coat. ‘I don’ts want to lives like this anymores.’

'You beens drinkings you problems away far too longs. Dat only makes it worse.' He angrily wrapped Toki in the fleece blanket. 'Don'ts moves.'    

Pulling off Toki’s boots, he left him for a minute to make some tea.

'Here ams you drinks. Now starts talkings. What happens?'

He slammed the mugs onto the table, tea sloshing over the rim.

'I don'ts wants to talk about it.' Toki protested pitifully.

He looked so forlorn that Skwisgaar put an arm around him and gave his shoulders a squeeze. Seeing Toki like this tore him up inside.

'Alrights… dat’s okay, I guess. If you change you minds I'll be right heres.'

Reaching behind the couch where the Explorer and the Flying V stood side by side he blindly identified his own instrument by the feel of the headstock and pulled it up by the neck.

'When I gets back to Mordhaus I'ms pullings de plug on dat record Nathan ams writings.' Skwisgaar said on impulse, but it felt like the right thing.

'Thanks you.' Toki seemed to breathe a little easier.

 

*******

There was no way he could sleep with that flashback on a loop in his mind.

_I'm the judge and jury and your case is in my hands_.

By what right did people like Magnus and Aslaug judge him? The power they held over Toki never had anything to do with justice, neither legal nor divine. 

Hapless and helpless, he never stood a chance to defend himself. His complete lack of agency when he was at their mercy was what tormented him most. Having his power stripped from him repeatedly still crippled his autonomy after all this time. He still readily accepted people treading his boundaries and had a hard time ordering his own life without someone to tell him what to do.

Deep down he felt like this was not how he was supposed to live, but in order to minimize conflict submitting was often the only way. Submitting to punishment from his parents, humiliation and denigration from Skwisgaar and imprisonment and torture from Magnus nicely summed up his entire life.

There had been a period when he constantly entertained violent fantasies of turning the tables on them. He would go to bars and get into fights so he could fuck someone else up for once, but it did nothing to exhaust his rage or make him feel more in control.

Skwisgaar slept uneasily beside him, and his tossing and turning did not make it any easier for Toki to drift off. It was high time he fucked off back to Mordhaus so Toki could get back to his carefully constructed peace and quiet of binge drinking by himself.

If his relationship with Skwisgaar was any less toxic he might have enjoyed his visit immensely, but just about everything was just so fucked up beyond all recognition between them. The mutual respect and admiration they had harboured in the beginning had long since soured through years of jealousy, disappointment and power imbalance within their friendship.

The overly bright screen of his phone told him that it was 2.30 in the morning and dawn was still six hours away. He crept out of bed to get a drink, but as soon as he opened the fridge, Skwisgaar appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. He managed to look stern and forbidding down his long nose despite his rumpled bed hair and the ridiculous combination of socks, white briefs and a black wifebeater.

Toki tried to put the bottle of vodka back, but Skwisgaar took it from him and emptied it in the sink.

'Don'ts hates me.' He said softly. 'I needs you to gives youself a chance to heals.'

'I already hateds you.' Toki replied venomously. 'When dids you says you was leavins again?'

Skwisgaar threw the empty bottle in the trash with slumped shoulders but did not answer. Seeing him hurt satisfied a cruel desire for vengeance, but another part of him immediately regretted it. He always gave his friends another chance, why could he not grant Skwisgaar a clean slate?

 

For the better part of the next day Skwisgaar left him alone, ghosting through the cabin and quietly playing on the couch. He asked once if Toki wanted to hear something he had composed so they could play it together, but Toki declined in favour of consolidating his grasp on Hestkuk's music. He was still in a foul mood, and sleep deprivation only made it worse. It left him feeling extremely unsociable. When he dressed to leave after dinner Skwisgaar followed him without hesitation. Toki stepped back inside and shut the front door behind him against the cold wind.

'What ams you doings, Skwisgaar?' He demanded.

'I's comings along, I tolds you.' Skwisgaar said with a stubborn tilt to his chin.

'Whats if I don'ts wants you to?' He crossed his arms and blocked the doorway.

'Why nots, Toki? We's been playings together for so long, and now you meets dese dildos and-' Skwisgaar threw his long arms up in exasperation.

'Because playings with you ruins musics for me, alrights!' Toki shouted. 'Every fuckings notes I play I hears you voice tellings me I'm doing it wrong, and I hates that!'

He took a deep breath, and Skwisgaar involuntarily took a step back.

'I can'ts relax with you lookings over my shoulders and I's ashameds that I can'ts live up to you standards. I can'ts attain you levels and guess whats? I don'ts wants to! If playins below mine pay-grade takes my minds off mine failures and lets me enjoys musics for what it ams, lets me!'

Skwisgaar's head nearly brushed the low ceiling, but he seemed to diminish now, mouth pulling down at the corners and refusing to look at Toki. 

'I just wants you to bes de best you cans be.' He said.

'Why?' Toki yelled. 'Can'ts you just be satisfied with beings de best? You's already on tops, you can stop kickings down!'

'You ams my only equal, Toki. ' Skwisgaar admitted with difficulty. 'You makes me betters. I needs you to balance me out.'

Toki scoffed. 'You're wrong. You don’ts needs me, and I certainly don’ts needs your bullshit.'

'I's not just talkingks abouts guitarplayings.'

'What the hell ams that supposed to means?' Toki asked shrilly.

Skwisgaar snapped his mouth shut, but then thought better of it.

'Anyways, you thinks I woulds lets you drive anywheres alone after yesterdays? You almost gots killed!' He tilted his chin back up.

'Fines.' Toki spat.

He turned on his heel, feeling a little less combative after getting the accusations out of his system.

'I still hates you.'

Skwisgaar grabbed his upper arm in a painful grip and spun him back around, but kept him at a non-threatening distance.

'I cares abouts you.' Skwisgaar bit out before releasing him with a little shove that made him brace himself against the door.

'You wouldn'ts know how.' Toki said, suddenly sad.

His ex-bandmates had all been indifferent to him for so long that it would surprise him if anyone still remembered how caring felt.

'Maybe I'ms learnings.' Skwisgaar said, and it sounded like a plea. 

 

*******

'What are the other guitarist and the keysplayer called again?' Toki whispered to Ronke, nodding to the skinny blond with the septum piercing and the buff guy with the goatee while they shouldered guitar cases and amps in the parking lot of the studios. 'I was too drunk to recall.' 

'Arvid,' Ronke pointed subtly at the guitarists broad back, 'and Marius.'

'Toki!' Ole flew at him, cutting Skwisgaar off as they made their way to the double doors of the studio. 'Oh, unnskyld, Skwisgaar.'

'Hei Ole, what's up?'

Toki managed to pull a smile from his ass for the bubbly drummer.

'Ole, why aren't you carrying anything?' Jostein called, laden with an acoustic guitar, a keyboard and an amp top.

'My back is killing me already and we still have three hours to play.' Ole was only holding a small bag containing his drumsticks.

A collective sigh rippled through the group. Skwisgaar doubled back to Jostein to pick up Ole's double bass pedals and the keyboard standard, exchanging some polite small talk in English as they walked.

Toki was relieved when Skwisgaar exited the rehearsal room after bringing in the stuff he had helped carry, leaving them to talk amongst themselves in Norwegian as they set up their gear. He did not feel like looking at his cranky face all evening.

Ole was telling Toki about falling asleep during a lecture on Monday when Marius asked after Skwisgaar.

'What is he doing in Norway?'

'Hanging out with me, I guess.' Toki replied curtly.

'How is that? You guys don't seem to get along that well. Ever.' Marius commented.

It was true, their bigger fights frequently made the media.

'I'm not sure.' Toki laughed uneasily.

He did not want to go into detail in front of guys he had known for less than a week.

'He randomly showed up on Sunday.'

'So where did he go just now?' The curious keys player kept asking.

'To fuck your girlfriend, alright?' Arvid waltzed over Marius.

'And your mother after,' Ole added with a grin.

Toki snorted.

'To be safe, put all of your grandmothers under lock and key while he is in Lillehammer.'

Jostein fished his phone from his pocket and yelled: 'Grandma, no!'

When Skwisgaar stuck his head around the door to tell Toki he was going to a bar across the street fifteen minutes later Hestkuk still had not finished setting up their gear. Dicking around and laughing was more of a priority for these guys. Toki saw mouths twitching all around him, and as soon as the soundproof door closed behind Skwisgaar the guys burst into laughter again.

'I'm not really feeling the hate and bleakness today, guys,' Jostein grinned, 'somebody punch me in the face.'

Ronke gave him a half-hearted punch on the arm, and he began growling into a microphone to test the pre-sets. Toki turned on his amp and struck an open chord to fiddle with the volume. One by one the other instruments were mixed in and they were ready to go.    

'What do you want to play, Toki?' Ronke asked.

'I learned everything you sent me, so just pretend I'm Eivind.'

Arvid raised an incredulous eyebrow at him. 'You're shitting me. You learned everything in three days?'

'Dethklok is all work and no play,' Toki joked. 'You guys have some incredible work-titles for your songs, though. _Pickled herring sandwich_? _Car battery_? _Soda chimes_?'

'Yeah, we usually have three or four dumb titles before we settle on an appropriate one.' Marius explained.

'Let's warm up with _Langsom og Mørk_ ,' Ronke suggested.

The tension of the day fell off of Toki as they played, laughed about each other’s mistakes and came up with new ideas for songs or improvements. After an hour of steadily working through the repertoire Arvid suggested they have a break because he was parched. They filed out of the rehearsal room to the lounge, where other bands and dancers were sitting in groups. Ronke and Arvid stopped by the bar for beers and a soda for Marius.

Ole popped his spine as they sat down, complaining about his backache.

'Where's Eivind when you need him? I want a freaking backrub.'

'I'm not touching you, you sweaty nerd.' Jostein sipped his beer.

'But I can barely play anymore.' Ole whined

'Toki, you want to handle this pissbaby?' Arvid asked.

'Alright, come here.'

Ole promptly turned his back to Toki.

Toki tried to avoid the sweat stains on the faded Cradle of Filth shirt while he dug his thumbs into Ole's lower back.

On the other side of the lounge the doors swung open, admitting a very rumpled Skwisgaar. He had a smudge of red in the corner of his mouth and his hair had come loose from its tail. His face looked positively murderous, which was a little unexpected.

'It looks like your mother was a terrible lay, Marius.' Arvid muttered under his breath, and Toki hid his face behind Ole's back in an attempt to cover up his laughter before waving Skwisgaar over.

The Hestkuk guys largely ignored Skwisgaar as he sat down between them and started fixing his hair, quoting a movie at each other and laughing about it for reasons that went over Toki's head.

'You have something on your face, Skwisgaar- Ow!' Ole yelped as Toki squeezed his deltoid a little too hard.

Skwisgaar gave Toki a disgruntled look, and Toki mirrored where the red lipstick blotch stained his mouth so he could wipe it off. 

When they walked back to the rehearsal room Skwisgaar tagged along. He listened for the remainder of the hour, and Toki was glad he kept his mouth shut even though his face was fixed into a permanent scowl.

Half the group went out for midnight burgers after rehearsal, and they quizzed Toki on his plans for the holidays. He had nearly forgotten that they were coming up, so he only had a half-baked plan to visit his mother somewhere during Christmas. Ole told Toki he was planning to go skiing with Eivind and Marius during their Christmas break from university, and asked if he and Skwisgaar wanted to come along.

Skwisgaar frowned in accordance with his burning hatred for physical exertion that did not involve naked ladies, but Toki had half a mind to join them.

'I thinks about it, alrights?' He promised as they parted in the parking lot of the fast food joint. 

Skwisgaar refrained from speaking on the way back.

'It look likes you hads an interesting nights,' Toki commented.

'I shoulds have listeneds to you and stays home.' Skwisgaar griped.

'Cares to elaborate?'

A sullen silence was answer enough.

 

 


	10. I fall like a burning star

Going to the bar half a block away from the studios to pass the time while Toki played had seemed like a good idea at first. He would not have to watch them dick around and they would not feel like he was judging their music. If Toki was that uncomfortable with his presence it would not do to upset him further by staying. Things were looking up especially when the opportunity to get laid presented itself within fifteen minutes of sitting down with a beer.

He desperately needed to unwind from the constant stress of worrying about Toki and the hurt of their earlier blowout. Toki had been a pain in the ass all day since Skwisgaar had thrown out his vodka, grouching and trying to pick fights until he found a reason to unload all his music related grievances on him.

Toki's accusations stung, in part because they were unfair, and in part because he was right. On the one hand, if Toki practiced more he could improve his playing every day and easily keep up with Skwisgaar. That would automatically lessen the criticism, but he simply could not be arsed. On the other hand, Skwisgaar kind of understood what he meant by having music ruined for him. The pressure of staying the best left little room to transcend the technique and feel the music like he used to, to truly lose himself in it. Perhaps he had ruined music for himself, too, and goddamn, that was a painful realisation. Music was his life.

The woman who came up to him was a conventionally attractive and well-groomed brunette with full red lips and a figure-hugging dress. She looked to be around his own age and did not play coy; she knew who he was and what she wanted from him, which was how Skwisgaar liked it. Nice and uncomplicated. They did not talk much while he finished his beer and she sipped her coffee, but their eyes negotiated how the rest of their encounter was going to play out.

He wondered if she was going to invite him home with her, but when they shared a significant look over empty glasses she beckoned him to the back of the establishment. Taking her in the ladies room did not offer the stress relief he had hoped for. It was hard to focus and see the deed through despite her passionate kisses and warm embrace as he pinned her against the wall. It left him feeling jaded beyond belief when he returned to the studio complex looking a hot mess.

Seeing Toki happily pal around with those black metal geeks upon entering the lounge pissed him off. How was he looking so cheerful after bitterly fighting with Skwisgaar less than two hours ago? He had been trying to look after Toki and make him feel better for days with little to no result, and there he was, grinning like he did not have a care in the world; like he never admitted to feeling suicidal in the dead of night.

To complete his bad mood Skwisgaar had felt unduly embarrassed about how obvious his skeevy encounter had been to Toki and his friends. They just had to point out that the woman's make-up still smeared his face while he tried to tame his mussed hair, didn't they? The pride he normally took in his effortless hook-ups was nowhere to be found, and suddenly he was reminded of his mother; an aging, cheap slut who buried herself in meaningless sex to fill an unknown void. In a way his life was even emptier than his mother's; at least she had loved her child to the best of her meagre ability.

He always made a point to not remember the names in the paternity suits that were filed against him, even though the children were undoubtedly his. Once he had left his first pregnant girl behind in Sweden, leaving the rest in a similar fashion had become easier every time. What did that say about him? Then again, he could not imagine himself being happy as a teenaged father in a Swedish shithole; a regular jack-off providing for his unintentional family.

The rest of the evening passed him by in a blur of self-loathing. He hated watching Toki play like he belonged in fucking Hestkuk and had never been a part of the greatest metal band in the world. Toki synchronised with the mediocre lead guitarist effortlessly and looked perfectly content with his supporting role, drifting around the rehearsal room to connect with the other musicians and eliciting exited grins from them with his enthusiasm.

Skwisgaar had rarely looked at Toki when they had played the world tour, and Nathan often pushed Toki away when he came to close. Dethklok might be the greatest metal band, but they were shitty friends.

Under the glaring lights of a burger joint he picked at his food, too nauseous to eat, while Toki made plans to go fucking skiing of all things. Skwisgaar avoided commenting so he would not inadvertedly commit to something.

Toki's innocuous questions about how his evening had been on the ride home made him uncomfortable. He most certainly did not care to elaborate why he wished he would have stayed at home. Letting Toki's prying questions slide off him was not easy, but he could not bring himself to talk about it. Toki accepted the silence, lost in his own thoughts while they left the lights of Lillehammer behind, and did not break it even when they got home.

After showering to wash the shame off, Skwisgaar forewent joining a soundly sleeping Toki, curling up on the couch instead with the fleece blanket. He tried to figure out if he should return to Mordhaus soon and stop infringing on Toki's life. What if his presence just made things worse by stirring up negativity? Somewhere during his brooding he dozed off. 

'Skwisgaar!'

He jolted awake with a terrible backache and a cramp in one of his calves. Toki knelt next to the couch in a shirt and sweats, shaking him urgently. Skwisgaar shot up despite his protesting body.

'What ams wrong, Tokis?'

He shivered.

'You gots to come look at this!'

Toki grabbed his hand and dragged him to the musty bedroom sounding like an exited child.

The drapes were open, and a soft green curtain of light illuminated the sky outside, rippling across the firmament. Toki clambered onto the bed and tugged Skwisgaar along until they were both kneeling in front of the window.

'Wowee,' Toki exhaled softly, squeezing Skwisgaar's hand with his strong, calloused fingers while amazement lit up his face.

'Does you wants to goes outsides?' Skwisgaar asked.

It was a rhetorical question - of course Toki wanted to go outside. Forgetting about sleeping altogether they dressed warmly and headed out the door in the crystalline silence of the freezing night. They leisurely walked up the trail, gazing out at the Aurora Borealis dancing across the clear skies above the mountain range. The stars were muted and there was no moon in sight, but the ghostly green illuminated the snow with a mysterious glow.

'The skies here makes me feels very smalls, but it ams comfortking. Makes mine problems feel smalls, too.' Toki spoke quietly as they reached a clearing in the pine trees.

'You mean like you amen'ts very importants in de bigger pictures? Dat's kind of bleaks.' Skwisgaar commented gravely, slowing to a halt beside him.

'Makes me feel like I'm wastings mine life. I'm gettings pretties old and all I gots ams a bunch of scars and a piles of money.' Toki confessed, and he looked sad again.

'Toki, you's not even thirties.' Skwisgaar said reasonably, but he understood the weight of Toki's words like no other.

'Don'ts tells me you don'ts know what I means.'

'Ja, I does.' They had always understood one another when it came to their existential philosophising. 'I was thinkings de same earlier.'

It was more acceptable to speak of these things in this strange cosmic landscape than in the confinement of a car.

'What does you wants out of life, Skwisgaar?'

He had not expected that question, since he generally avoided thinking about such things.

'I… used to thinks dats de pleasures of success and moneys and you-know-what-ings lots of goils was goings to last me forevers.' He said after brief consideration.

'And now?'

'Not so sures, now. My lifes ams catchkings up to me, too, and I's not particularly prouds.' It was hard to admit to himself that all the partying and all the meaningless goodbyes were starting to feel like wasted time, too.

Toki nodded, but refrained from judging him.

'How abouts you?' Skwisgaar reflected back at him. 'Does you knows whats it ams you wants?'

Considering, Toki shook his head.

'I used to thinks I wanteds a families with a nice goils and some kids, but...'

'Ja?' Skwisgaar prompted. He was curious to hear what changed his mind.

'I'm so messed up - I'd only bes a dangers to them. Or a burden.' He paused, but Skwisgaar kept listening. 'They say it ams hards not to becomes like your own parents.'

'You's afraids you woulds beats you kids?' That was an unsettling disclosure if he ever heard one.

Toki nodded imperceptibly.

'Don'ts even know what love ams supposed to be like. Gots a handfuls of peoples in mine life and I hates them all. Except maybe Charles.'

'Maybes you shoulds marry Offdensen, den.' Skwisgaar joked.

'Shuts up.'

'Does you really hates me, Tokis?' God, that sounded pathetic as soon as he said it out loud.

'Why you ask?' Toki looked away.

'Was thinkings of leavings if you wants me to.' Skwisgaar offered.

'Huh. I don'ts hate you rights now. Maybes when I sees you big stucks-up nose again in daylights it ams differentsk.' A smile ghosted across Toki’s lips.

'You really puts de 'suffer' in unsufferables.'

Toki fixed him with a flat stare before shivering and turning around.

The walk back was a quiet affair, save for the crunching of their boots. The green ribbons of the solar storm across the heavens guided the way back to Toki's cabin.

Over tea in the low light of the kitchen Toki spoke up again.

'Don'ts goes back to Mordhaus yet. I feels like we're only just gettings to know each other.'

He raised his pale eyes to Skwisgaar's, the loneliness written plainly on his face.  

 

*******

It was probably due to his tiredness that his emotions were all over the place, but the idea of Skwisgaar going back to Mordhaus made him feel extremely desolate in the dead hours of the night. He had given Skwisgaar a lot of grief the past couple of days, but it would break his heart if he went away now. He tried telling himself that he could find different - better - company if he was afraid of being alone again, but that thought did not appeal to him at all.

Skwisgaar had always made it easy for Toki to hate him just enough to be safe, and although it was maddening at times it might just have been the saving grace of his sanity. Now that Skwisgaar was trying so hard to chip away at the porous wall of hate they had put up between them the danger of what lay on the other side was starting to shine through the cracks.

Staring at the flyaways that framed Skwisgaar's sleeping face like a halo in the Northern Lights that shone through the window, Toki recognised the peril for what it was. Waiting to take the place of dislike and hate and anger was a feeling so profound that he dared not name it for fear it would consume him. There would be no going back once he let that in.

Fortunately, the exhaustion of the past two days caught up with him before he could freak out about it, and he slept so long that he had forgotten about it by the time he woke up.

Toki finished his exercise regime and waited for his heart rate and body temperature to go down enough to take a shower, killing the time by grabbing his laptop. Skwisgaar came in while he was checking his email, and took the opportunity to hijack his headphones again, cradling his guitar to get some playing in before anything else.

There was a link to a dumb video from Ole in Toki’s inbox, an email from Murderface wanting to catch up and a notification that Rockso had tagged him on Facefriends. He clicked on the video to watch it - it was a black metal parody of a popular song Toki did not know.

Skwisgaar's phone started ringing somewhere on the other side of the cabin, but the video was amusing and he figured Skwisgaar would hear the shrill sound through the headphones. He did not, neglecting to pick up even when the phone rang a second time.

'Skwisgaar,' Toki called to no avail.

Half a minute later his own phone started ringing on the coffee table.

'Hallos?'

'Toki, it's Nathan.'

Upon hearing Nathan’s deep growl for the first time in ages Toki fell silent for a minute.

'Hei, you wants me to put Skwisgaar on?'

He had no idea what to say to his ex-frontman.

'Yeah, in a minute. How, eh, are you doing?' Nathan asked.

'Fines.' He said politely. Nathan did not need to hear the details. 'How abouts you?'

'Kinda busy, we're getting ready to record for that Doomstar concept album. Shame you can't be a part of it, since it's kind of your deal. I mean, Alessandro will manage, but he wasn't there, you know?'

'Who is Alessandro?' Toki asked, though he had an inkling.

'The new rhythm. Didn't Skwisgaar tell you about him?' Nathan asked, dumbfounded.

'It hasn'ts come up.'

There had been more important things to talk about.

'Anyway, eh,' There was a hum of voices in the background. 'Charles says hi, and so does Pickles. Murderface says, eh, 'check your email, you dildo'. We, eh, all kind of miss you. It's been boring without you to fuck shit up around here.'

'Yeah, I miss you guys, too.' Skwisgaar's presence had muted it a little, but he missed them immensely. 

'Come see us some time if you can let go of your unforgiving hate, okay?' Nathan joked. 'Now put that dumb Swede on the phone.'

'Don'ts gots no dumb Swedes here.' Skwisgaar raised his eyebrows at Toki, the headphones askew on his head. 'I coulds gives you any numbers of other negatives adjectives, but he amen'ts dumb.'

'Whatever, Toki. You guys both sound like retards to me, so.' Nathan said as though that settled the matter.

'Sees ya, Nathans.'

He handed the phone over to Skwisgaar.

'Recordings? Already? When?'

Skwisgaar sounded uncharacteristically alarmed.

'Ja, hang ons. Dere's somethings I wants to talks to you abouts.'

Walking away to Toki's bedroom, he shut the door behind him, but Toki could still hear him when he raised his voice.

'Damn straights I gots a problem with dis records! Ja, de music ams goods, but - nej! It ams unsrespectfuls to Tokis, dat's why! You haves no ideas what it dids to him. Ja, I do! No, you can'ts be serious! Ams dat a threats?! Alrights, alrights. Ja, I wills be dere. Monday, ja. Okay. Fucks you, too.' 

Skwisgaar did not emerge from the bedroom for quite some time after the call ended, so Toki set his laptop aside and went to him. Raising his head from his hands as Toki entered, Skwisgaar looked distraught.

'Does you haves to go?' Toki asked, suppressing his disappointment and sitting down cross-legged on the bed.

'They ams recordings on Mondays whether I am deres or nots.' Skwisgaar groaned.

'You shoulds be there. It woulds kills you not to be on tops of it.'

He smiled, but it was hard.

'I promiseds you dat I wouldn'ts let dis records come outs and dat I wouldn'ts leave dis soon.'

 Skwisgaar was beating himself up about it, he could tell.

'I appreskiated it all de same, but I gets it if your hands am tieds.'

Charles had a pretty tight grip on them with the contracts, which was necessary most of the time to battle their various whims. 

'I hates dat I don'ts got de rights to whats I compose for Dethklok. It belong to everyone now, and dey can just makes Alessandro records it when I refuses.'

'That's real means of them. Dids they tell you they would?'

'I shoulds just fuckings quit Dethklok, too.' Skwisgaar said through gritted teeth.

'Don'ts you dare! You goes in there and makes it greats, okay? Any musics you write wills be worth my publics humiliations.'

He was only half joking. Skwisgaar was undoubtedly a genius.

'Tokis! Dis ams bullshits, alrights?'

'Calm down, Skwisgaar. You needs me to hugs it out?'

Skwisgaar was getting way too upset over this.

'Nej, tack. I wasn't goings to mentions it... but you smells awful.'

Crinkling his nose he scooted away with a small smirk.

'Yeah, so does you breaths in the mornings, and I still lets you bunk with me.' Toki fired back.

'Go takes a showers.'

Granted, it was high time he did.

 

Toki windmilled his hair to a semblance of dryness before combing it through and tying it. In the living room Skwisgaar balanced on one of the rickety chairs, stooped over his guitar with his hands clenched unnaturally. Toki plucked the headphones off his ears and took away the Explorer.

'Looks at you posture, you can'ts plays guitar when you're so stressed out.'

He grabbed Skwisgaar's elbow and steered him towards the couch.

'Since I ams in de business of givings backrubs anyways... sits down.'

Toki perched on the backrest behind him, digging his thumbs into the knots between Skwisgaar's jutting shoulder blades and spine. Skwisgaar allowed it with no more than a grunt to acknowledge the pain and none of the usual 'dis ams a littles on de homo-erotics sides'.

'You shouldn'ts have slepts on de couch,' Toki commented, 'you skinnies butt can'ts handle that kinds of hardships.'

Skwisgaar gave a low chuckle.

'Next times you just tells Toki what ams wrong, okay? Then I can takes the couch. I sleeps on it just fines. Dids I tells you I sleeps on it one time because I lefts my windows open and my beds gots covered in snow?'

'Dat sounds like you. Oi, Herregud, it horts right deres.' He complained.

'Here?' Toki squeezed the trapezius muscle on the left between thumb and forefinger.

'Stops it.' Skwisgaar shied away.

'Alrights,' He made to get up.

'Snälla.'

'What?'

'You's pretties goods at dis. Don'ts stops just yet?'

'Prepares for more pains,' Toki affected evil laughter.    

 

*******

'Toki, waits, amen'ts dere a later planes I can take?' Skwisgaar stalled with one foot out the door. It was early on Saturday morning, and the plane with the best connection to Mordland was leaving from Hamar in three hours.

'Don'ts be an idiot, Skwisgaar, you wills be worthless if you arrives jetlagged on Monday mornings, and I's countings on you to defend mine honours.'

'I wills, I swear.' Skwisgaar vowed.

'Don'ts forgets your Explorer.'

Toki held the door open so Skwisgaar could grab it quickly.

'I leaves it here for when I comes back. Can'ts play guitars on de plane anyways.'

Toki could not bring himself to consider how long it would be before he saw Skwisgaar again when they got into his car. Recording tracks that had been preconceived was something Dethklok could do in less than a month if everyone was on board, but it was impossible to tell. Nathan was notorious for deleting anything he did not immediately approve of and delaying the process for weeks.

Skwisgaar was too much of a perfectionist not to want to supervise the entire recording process, so they probably would not see each other again for the foreseeable future.

The drive to the airport was a little over an hour and neither of them could find the words to lighten the mood as they drove south down the E6 along the vast lake.

Skwisgaar checked in at Scandinavian Airlines, and that was it. Toki had been alone a long time before Skwisgaar showed up out of the blue, but already he could not imagine returning to his remote cabin without him. It felt as though they had unfinished business. Skwisgaar had only been here for six days, but the intensity of their conversations and the full weight of their history made it seem like a small eternity.

Toki stood staring at his feet when Skwisgaar's black boots touched noses with his. The stiff fabric of their parkas rustled as Skwisgaar wrapped his long arms around him, resting his chin on top of Toki's head. His week old stubble caught on Toki's hair when he murmured:

'Promises me somethings, Toki. When you feels bads, just calls me, alrights? Or calls you other friends when I's in the recordings room? Please don'ts drinks or does somethings dumbs, cause I's goings to be worried sick.'

'Yeah, okay.'

Toki had the feeling that that was going to be a difficult oath to keep with no one to reinforce it.

'Jävla, Tokis.'

Arms tightened to squash him against Skwisgaar's chest. His fine blond hair fell into Toki’s eyes, making him blink. The rough sting of stubble against his forehead was followed by the press of full but chapped lips.

'Be safe.'

Too astonished to speak, Toki did not move from the embrace, supressing his rapid breaths until Skwisgaar reluctantly let him go. Skwisgaar's face was drawn around his eyes, and he smiled with only one corner of his mouth.

'Has a safe flight. Good lucks with the records.' Toki stammered.

He tried to summon a smile to reassure him he was going to be fine, but god, did he have a chasm of time opening in front of him.

Skwisgaar looked back at him once during the passport check, his furrowed brow and hooked nose jutting out from his blond waves. Toki inwardly cursed the stupid, perfect, Swedish features that he was not going to see for far too long and knew he had lost then. It had been an uphill battle for twelve years, but the enemy had overwhelmed him at last. Lips still burning on his forehead he got into his car and swallowed the pain for what could never be.

When he walked up the steps to his cabin he got a text.

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_You homes yet? Takings off in a sec. Sees you on the other side._

_To: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_Just gots back. Thinkings of gettings back in beds since we was up before dawns._

_From: Skwisgaar Skwigelf_

_You shoulds. Gonna sleeps on the planes too. Sleeps tight._

He had barely taken off his coat when the shrill riffs of an incoming call startled him.

'Toki!' Ronke sounded excited, or at least less bored than usual.

'Ronke.' He yawned.

'What are you doing today?'

The thought that he was going to get back in bed and jack off smelling the clothes Skwisgaar had worn caught him by surprise. One scratchy forehead kiss had been all it took to start his descent into madness.

'Nothing, really. I just put Skwisgaar on a plane to the US.'

'Yeah, okay, in that case you're coming to see There and Back Again with us tonight.'

'Eh?' It was hard to focus on the phone call.

'The Hobbit three - it's going to be brutal.'

'Yeah, I'll be there.' He would take any distraction he could get.

 


	11. Forming universes without walls

Charles waited in the arrivals hall, flanked by two Klokateers. Skwisgaar's plane had landed five minutes ago, and hopefully he would clear customs swiftly. Charles’ personal assistant took notes while he dictated ideas to generate publicity for the upcoming record, and after an indeterminate amount of time Skwisgaar strode through the sliding doors into the hall.

He looked like he had been through hell and back, his hair static and fuzzy, grey circles under his eyes and his stubbly cheeks drawn and pale. When Skwisgaar met his eyes, Charles amended that thought. Not hell, purgatory. He was burning with a mysterious light, looking more alive than Charles had ever seen him despite his dishevelled appearance. The layers of spoiled boredom and glacial disinterest had been stripped away to reveal the fire it had been hiding. Charles had always suspected Skwisgaar could be a passionate person when he found a proper motivation, and it seemed as though he was finally coming into his own.

'Hello Skwisgaar. Did you have a, ah, good flight?'

'Ja, thanks you, Charles.' Skwisgaar nodded.

Charles gave him a genuine smile. So he was 'Charles' now. It seemed their shared concern for Toki had forged a bond between them at long last. To Toki he had always been Charles, and Pickles sometimes called him 'Charlie' to take the wind from his sails, but the other boys had kept their distance over the years, Skwisgaar most of all.

'You look like you had a rough week.' He prompted, to see if Skwisgaar would talk.

'You can says dat again.' Skwisgaar sighed. 'I's been through de entire spectrums of human emotions in de last six days, I thinks. Mostly de unpleasant ones.'

Charles waited him out; it was the best conversational skill in the book. He did not want to ruin this if Skwisgaar was finally confiding in him.

'Toki ams,' Skwisgaar looked for words as they got into the waiting car, 'at de same times betters and worse dan I imagineds.'

Charles remembered Skwisgaar's freak-out in his office last week, when he had worked himself up so much over his concern for Toki that he was convinced Toki was going to kill himself. Toki's therapist had reassured Charles that Toki was not a suicide risk, but it had been impossible to make Skwisgaar see that.

In truth, Charles had been wondering how long Skwisgaar would last in Dethklok without Toki at his side. Co-dependency was probably not the word for it, but Charles had seriously doubted that Skwisgaar would be able to get over Toki's departure. Despite the fact that Dethklok unofficially had a new rhythm guitarist, Charles was hoping for - and betting on - reconciliation. The boys just needed to realise that even though Toki brought nothing to the table in the way of creative input he was essential to balancing out the group dynamic.

'What do you mean, worse?'

Toki drank a lot, sure, but they all did.   

'Hims PTSD am really bad - nightsmares, flashbacks, de works. It gots less when I keeps him off de booze. We talkeds a lot, too. I think I understands him a little betters now.'

Charles gave him a smile that balanced between wry and approving. Scandinavians talking, there was something you did not see very often.

But ja, every days was a fuckings rollercoaster. It ams was a rough weeks.'

'Are you glad to go home, then?' Charles fished.

He needed to know what was going on inside his head to get him functioning at hundred percent on Monday. This demo was the first in a long line that had needed no prompting from himself or sanctions from the label to come into existence. The boys had all been inspired and touched in their own way by their role in Toki's rescue, and it was good that they had found the motivation to transform that into great music.

To his surprise, Skwisgaar shook his head curtly.

'I needs to goes back as soon as poskible. Tokis needs-'

He hesitated.

'-all de helps he cans gets. I don'ts know if he cans stays away from alcohol and I's worried.' 

'Well, Skwisgaar, I'm sure that if you, ah, deliver in the recording room the boys will let you go again.' 

'I can'ts, Charles. Dis records - we can'ts make it without Toki. It ams him story to tell, and we ams usings hims sufferings for commerskial gains.'

Skwisgaar looked at him with a mixture of righteous anger and helplessness.

'Ams dere any ways I can stops dis from happenings, legals or otherwise?'

Charles sighed. Of course this was not going to go without a hitch.

'Legally you have no power to pull the plug.'

'Any other ideas?'

'Well, Skwisgaar, there is always, ah, trying to convince your bandmates to see it your way.' Charles supplied, even though he knew this spelled trouble.

'What does you means?'

'It looks like that is going to involve talking to them.' Charles said with a bemused look on his face. 'It should not be a problem now that you've, ah, had some practice.'

'Talkings to Tokis am differentsk. But… whatevers it takes.' Skwisgaar raised his chin.

Despite the fact that Skwisgaar was thirty-six and Charles only had a decade on him, he felt like a proud father seeing the Swede build some character at last.

They drove in silence for a while, and Skwisgaar startled from a state of slumber when his phone suddenly rang. His face lit up when he read the caller-ID.

'Toki,' He murmured when he answered, 'how ams you doings?' A relieved look passed over his face, and then something Toki said narrowed his eyes. 'Goods for you.' It came out gentle despite his expression. 'I'ms glad you hads fun. Nej, I's in de cars with Charles now.'

Skwisgaar turned to him.

'Toki says hi.'

'Give him my best.'

Skwisgaar conveyed the message. 'Ja, okay. Thanks for checkings in, I appreskate dat. Sleeps tight, little Toki.' A muffled protest filtered through the speakers. 'Whatevers.' His long-suffering smile was fond.

'Is he managing without you?' It was meant to be a little joke at the expense of Skwisgaar's controlling tendencies, but it missed its mark.

'Huh, ja. Hims other friends kepts him busy.'

If Charles did not know any better, he would have thought Skwisgaar was jealous.

 

*******

William had been settling in with a World War 2 documentary, resigned to spend his Saturday night alone as usual. Pickles had gone out for drinks with Alessandro before he went back to Italy for the holidays and Nathan had gone to bed early to save his voice with the eye on the recordings, so this was as good an opportunity as any to pop that new DVD in. As the opening credits rolled, a knock on his door made him sit bolt upright. Who the hell would be bothering him at this hour? It had better not be Offdensen, because he really did not feel like listening to boring technobabble regardless of what he might have screwed up this time.

'Who isch it?' He called, too lazy to get up and see.

 'Ams Skwisgaar.' Came the muffled voice through his thick wooden door.

When did he get back from Norway? Why did no one ever bother to tell him these things?

'Come on in, Skwischgaar. What do you want?'

Shouldn't he be out fucking groupies or something? God knew he would be if he was Skwisgaar. That guy always got everything handed to him on a silver platter. Thank god he had a shit personality - that made it a little easier to hate him for it.

'Williams, I woulds likes to talks to you.'

What happened to 'Moidaface'? And what had happened to his face? They often joked that Skwisgaar had eternal youth, but in the shadows of his cavernous bedroom he definitely looked his age.

'Schure, pal,' William said a little uncertainly, switching off the TV. 'You wanna talk here or schomewhere elsche?'

'Heres will do just fines.' Skwisgaar sat down on the edge of the bed, facing him. 'When you calleds me last weeks, was you beings serious abouts wantings Tokis back in Dethklok?'

He might have known this was going to be about Toki. Skwisgaar had been a right asshole ever since Toki left, and it was kind of a relief to see that he was addressing the issue even though that was not Dethklok's usual style.

'Yeah, of coursche. Toki'sch a little nutsch,' Skwisgaar's eyes flashed dangerously. 'but we've got scho much hischtory, you know?'

Nostalgia was not all there was to it. He related to Toki in a way he could not relate to the rest of them. Toki was the only other member of Dethklok who had practically no creative input except for the rare keyboard lines, and they both frequently got excluded from whatever plans Nathan, Skwisgaar and Pickles made together. Since Toki did not seem to get laid around the clock like the rest of them, either, William often made a point to involve him in his schemes. If they banded together they could both feel like they had a legitimate reason to be here.

It was different with the new guy; he was more of a Skwisgaar-type; confident and solitary, definitely not the kind of guy that would lower himself to be friends with someone like William.

'Ja, huh. It... really amen'ts de same without Toki, does you think?' Skwisgaar said awkwardly, as if he did not know how to handle the conversation.

'Yeah, whatever. Scho what'sch the plan? I'm juscht going to asschume you didn't come here scho we could mope about how much we missch Toki like a couple of fagsch.'

That earned him another glare. He couldn’t help yanking Skwisgaar’s chain by throwing gay slurs at him. Any man who fucked that many women was overcompensating in William’s book. Or maybe he was just jealous. Yeah, William was definitely jealous.

'Well, forst of all, I don'ts wants dis records to happen. Toki ams unscomfortables with it, and I's afraid dat if we go publics with it he won'ts ever wants to come back. It ams still very raws and painfuls for him. I... don'ts wants him to horts any more.'

Skwisgaar grimaced as if he had experienced Toki's pain first hand.

Toki had been severely depressed even before he left, and if Skwisgaar had been dealing with that all week he might have seen a thing or two up close that was impossible to ignore like they did here at Mordhaus.

William had asked himself a couple of times whether he should offer to help Toki with anything, but he wasn't exactly cut out to give advice on how to deal with depression. He didn't want to give that little basket case ideas about auto-mutilation or shit like that. His attempts at humour had backfired, too, so it was good that Skwisgaar was the one who stepped up in the end. Toki was more drawn to him anyway.

'You wanna canschel the demo?' That was going to cause a stir with the other guys.

'Whats you means, demo? I thoughts we was makings de records.' Skwisgaar sounded confused.

'What, with a guitarischt that'sch been here two weeksch? Pleasche, I thought you had a little more brainsch than that. Pull your head out of your assch, dude.'

'I automaticallies assume de worst.' Skwisgaar heaved a sigh. 'But dat changes nothings aparts from less works. How many songs?'

'Three, I think. Juscht to get a good feel of what the album isch going to schound like and get proper funding. Scho how were you planning to stop it?'

'Huh... by talkings to everyone, hopings dey will sees it mine way. But I's afraid Nathans wills be a tough nuts to crack. Pickle, too.'

'Well, I don't wanna schtress you out, but what if you juscht came up with schomething better? Then you'd have schomething to bargain with.'

That idea did stress Skwisgaar out; he visibly shut down to process it.

'I don'ts gots nothings,' he choked out after a minute.

'Take it easchy, Skwischgaar. Why don't you schleep-'

An incoming message alert made them look at each other.

'Mine'sch on schilent.'

Skwisgaar fished his phone out of his pants and mouthed the text under his breath as if he had never learned how to read silently. '...can'ts sleep, de northern lights ams out agains...' For some reason that made him smile while he typed a reply. A message came back immediately, which prompted another response.

'Hey, are you juscht going to continue schexting or are we going to talk about the problem at hand?'

'Hangs on, Williams.' He hit send. 'I woulds be interested to hears you ideas if you have any.'

'Wow, Skwischgaar, that might be the nicescht thing you've ever schaid to me.’ It was meant to be sarcastic, but it was probably true.

‘Lischten. You went to Norway, you've scheen a lot of schit there.'

Skwisgaar inclined his head gravely.

'Let the bleak and dark thoughtsch that givesch you write the music for you. But keep it closche to yourself if you don't want to stomp all over Toki's feelingsch. You got a day to write three schongs. Blow 'em out of the water on Monday. Then you've got schomething to negotiate with.'

'Goods thing I alreadies sleeps on de plane.' Skwisgaar muttered darkly. 'I gives it a go. Thanks, pals.'

 

*******

Upon entering the studio bright and early - technically it was still morning - on Monday Nathan was greeted by the sight of Dick Knubbler already working tracks in ProTools rather than waiting for them to record something. Possibly a private project? Skwisgaar lay passed out on the couch, looking for all the world like he had pulled an all-nighter, except he did not smell of either booze or skanks, which was a little out of character.

'Morning, Nathan,' Dick's nasal voice greeted him cheerfully.

'Hi Dick.' Nathan leaned over his shoulder to check out what he was working on. 'What have you got there?'

Knubbler made a move as if to rub his eyes, then thought better of it.

'Fucking platinum, baby. I don't know what you had in mind for that demo, but this is going to be hard to top. Skwisgaar came to me with a bunch of ideas yesterday, so we had some fun in the studio. All night.'

Knubbler cracked a yawn.

'Skwisgaar, what the fuck?' Nathan called over his shoulder.

What was wrong with that dude? First his reluctance to come work on the demo because it was supposedly stepping on Toki's toes, and now this?

An unintelligible groan answered him as Skwisgaar sat up.

'Nathans, just de porson I neededs to sees.' He slurred.

'Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you showed up, but you've been acting really weird lately.'

They needed to talk; threatening him on the phone had been a cheap trick, but there was too much dumb shit going on as it was.

'How ams it torning out, Knubblers?' Skwisgaar asked feverishly, ignoring his comment.

'Hey, look who's back in the land of the living. Listen to this, sleeping beauty. I just finished engineering the first song.'

Knubbler selected all of the tracks in the file and pressed play.

Nathan pulled up a chair for himself and sat down to listen.

The music that blasted from the speakers took him aback from the first bar. It sounded like stark black pines covered with snow, getting lost in a desolate landscape and assaulted by blizzards. The drums had yet to be filled out completely, but the guitars were a solid wall of metal, undoubtedly Skwisgaar's best work to date. They pushed and pulled at each other, spiralling leads propelled by killer riffs. During the haunting bridge there was a piano line that made him want to curl up and let the snow bury him forever. It had not been very well executed, but the potential was there. Fuck, it was so much better than the Doomstar concept.

When the last notes died away, Nathan sat in silence for a beat.

'Skwisgaar?'

'Ja?' Came the guarded acknowledgement.

'Fuck you.'      

'Okay.' Skwisgaar said quietly. 'Cans we talks now?'

'Fuck you, yeah. Pickles is probably not going to show for another hour or two anyway. Lead the way.'

'We's steppings outside for a moments, Knubblers. Does you wants me to brings you back some coffees?'

'I'm going to need something stronger than that, babe. Something white and powdery. Just kidding - coffee would be great.'

Nathan followed Skwisgaar into the kitchen, and when they had both filled their skull mugs with some strong black coffee he sat him down at the table.

'Spit it out, Skwisgaar, what the fuck is all this? You got your head so far up Toki's ass you just decided to cancel the album by yourself?'

'Huh, ja... dat pretties much sums it up. Exkepts I don'ts gots my heads up Toki's ass - I just wants to does the right things for once in my lifes. I gots a problems with dat albums because it amen'ts right to exploits our friends like dat.'

'What do you care? He fucking left you high and dry, and don't tell me it didn't kill you to have to find someone else.' Nathan asked critically.

Skwisgaar’s attitude made him hard to fathom, but Nathan knew him, and knew that he was broken up about it.

'Does I really haves to explains it to you, Nathans? I thoughts out of all de bandsmates you woulds perhaps understands.'

'No, I get it. Toki may be a little shit, but he's our little shit. Like the little brother I never wanted. I guess you want to protect family from getting hurt no matter how much of a pain in the ass they can be.'

Skwisgaar looked uncertain, as if that was not entirely what he meant.

'Spit it out.' Nathan repeated.

'I needs Toki back in Dethklok.' Skwisgaar did not meet his eyes, looking past his head at the wall.

Of course he did. It was hard to deny that Skwisgaar and Toki had shared something profound from the moment they met, but couldn't Skwisgaar just be a professional about this? Why were his bandmates all so fucking complicated? 

'And was this a condition for his return or something?'

Nathan could see Toki making demands. The kid got a little overenthusiastic when he was in a position of power sometimes.

'He... doesn'ts knows.' Skwisgaar cast his eyes down.

'You're an idiot.'

Nathan shook his head.

'Whats does you thinks?' Skwisgaar asked timidly.

'I'll start with the easy part: That song was fucking amazing, so if you have enough material to make a demo to send to the label this week, I'm game. I want to sing the everloving fuck out of that. I'm even willing to shelve the Doomstar for it. Fuck, I was pretty happy with what we had, but you fucking annihilated it in one night.'

'Sorry.' That smug look did not convey much in the way of an apology.

'Yeah, I bet you are. Now, about getting Toki back. He doesn't know you want him back, we don't know if he will want come back at all, and we've got the new guy to consider. Are you suggesting giving Alessandro the boot as soon as Toki says yes?'

'Ja.'

'Okay.' He could understand how that worked. 'Did you talk to anyone else about this yet?'

'Williams wants Toki back, too.'

'And Pickles?'

'Havent's talksed to him yets.' Was Skwisgaar using some kind of weird divide and conquer strategy or something, picking them off one by one?

He sighed loudly for Skwisgaar's benefit.

'If you need Toki here to continue writing brutal music, so be it. Didn't you ever think it would have been easier to prevent all of this? Wait, don't answer that. Just clean up your mess - provided that Pickles is on board with this.'

Skwisgaar just gave a dumb smile at his phone and began composing a text message. 

 

*******

Pickles had not expected that today was going to be so rough on him when he had ambled into the recording room at two in the afternoon, but seven hours later Skwisgaar was still grilling him. Hopefully this would be the last take, because he was beyond done with drumming today. It had been a long time since he had last gotten a blister from his drumsticks, but there was a blood blister swelling on the inside of his middle finger now.

When he finished he got a satisfied nod from behind the mixing panel. Skwisgaar had taken over the recordings to give Knubbler some time to go home and sleep. Apparently Pickles was not the first to fall victim to Skwisgaar's sudden zeal. Completely overthrowing the ideas they had originally had for the new demo had been hectic, especially since Skwisgaar did not seem to be able to stop until it was finished.

It had to be said, though; if they could keep composing an entire album like the songs that he had written it would be worth every drop of sweat. Skwisgaar had only filled out the bare bones of a drum pattern since he had no percussion skills to speak of, but the ideas he had were ambitious to say the least. The guitars on the example he had recorded the night before were intricate and brutal, and Pickles had had to work hard to keep up with them. He had even had to invent a new technique for a riff where Skwisgaar wanted him to do accents on the snare and mute the left pedal on his double bass. It was crazy, but pure genius.

'You's done, Pickle! Greats job. Dis ams outstandings.'

Skwisgaar looked as tired as Pickles felt. No, worse. On the other hand, he had never seen the bastard look this positively passionate about his creations. It was a nice change from his usual attitude, where he let Nathan and Pickles do their thing and made a sport out of humiliating Toki and Murderface for the rest of the process.

Pickles got up from behind his drum kit with a groan. It had been a gruelling session, but he felt all the more accomplished for it. He deserved a fucking drink.

Skwisgaar played the tracks back for him while he flopped into the chair behind the computer, exhausted. They could be proud of today's work, no doubt about that.

'Pickle? I gots to ask you fors another favour.'

Skwisgaar seemed reluctant to ask it of him.

'Sure, let's hear it.'

'I wants to get dis done as soon as poskible, so woulds you records me while I does de guitars?' His expression was a little embarrassed and overwhelmed, but with an underlying determination that could move mountains. Pickles could not help but wonder what he had been through in the past week to inspire such a change in him.

'Dood, I gahtta ask: are ye doing this fer Toki?'

He wasn't sure what to make of the brief snippets of conversation he had caught about Skwisgaar not being okay with the Doomstar concept anymore. Something about Toki's issues must have changed how he felt about a great number of things by the looks of him.

'Ja.' He admitted quietly, bracing himself for the fallout. When Pickles did not judge him, he added. 'I been thinkings about whats you saids about me and Tokis a lot.'

'This might very well be the first selfless thing yew hehve ever done in yer life, am I right?' Pickles teased.

He was happy to see that Skwisgaar had taken his words to heart, harsh though they might have been at the time. Toki deserved better from him. From all of them, actually.

'To be honestlies it ams because I woulds feels way gooders when he woulds be happies. Amen'ts dat selfish?' Skwisgaar mumbled self-consciously.

'Dood, I'm no expert, but I'm pritty sure theht's the definition of love, and theht's generally considered selfless.' Pickles smirked.

That was probably not what Skwisgaar wanted to hear.

'Calls it whats you wants.' Skwisgaar said dismissively.

'Ye gahtta love 'm at least a little.'

Seriously, how could you not love Toki? Creepy violent tendencies aside, he was the most loveable kid around. 

'I cares abouts him, ja. And... I wants him back in de band.'

Skwisgaar carefully gauged Pickles' reaction.

'What, are ye asking for my opinion? Jesus Christ, dood, you fucked up real behd. We all let him down. Do yew think he would even consider it?'

'I knows. I gots to tries, though, if you ams okay with dat.'

'This is so fucking messy, Skwisgare.' He sighed. 'You know wheht? Go ahead. Try it. Say theht it works - fine, but do accept my warning. If ye fall back into the same pattern, or Toki gets hurt, there will be consequences, and I'm taking it out on your ass.'

'Ja, I promised Nathans I woulds clean up mine mess, and I wills.'

'I hehve a lotta respect for ye, but yew've gotten away with being a dooshbehg for far too lahng. I'm glehd to see thet's changing.'

Skwisgaar nodded in agreement.

'Okay, get in there, I'll man the panel for ye. Ye need some blow or are ye gonna to be able to keep this up?'

'I broughts my own.'

Skwisgaar pulled out a ziplock bag and his wallet. After snorting two lines of coke off the mixing panel he took one of Murderface's basses from the wall and started tuning it, sniffling against the familiar chemical taste in the back of his throat.

Skwisgaar's phone buzzed across the desk and lit up with the number of Toki's phone. Pickles answered quickly so it wouldn't go to voicemail.

'Heeeuyy dood.'

'Hei Pickle.' Toki sounded shaky. 'Ams Skwisgaar there?' 

'Yeah, we were just tahlkin about ye.'

Skwisgaar sprung up and held out his hand impatiently, so Pickles gave up the phone with a quick goodbye.

'Hej, Toki, what ams de matters?' Skwisgaar listened intently, then signalled to Pickles that he was going outside for a minute. 'Of course I gots times.'

Pickles stretched and got up to find some booze. This was going to be a long day. Night. Whatever.

 

 


	12. I am lost from the light

Magnus had been right, Toki could get more desperate. He was wasting away, and seeing Abigail diminish before his eyes constantly reminded him of how dire their situation was. She was a slim woman to begin with, and he could see that she could barely get comfortable enough to sleep anymore on the cracked concrete floor. The hard underground grated against their bones no matter what position they tried to sleep in. Abigail had been up for a long time, but exhaustion had pulled her under for now. Toki was mortally afraid that she would not wake up anymore, but he could not find it in him to disturb her much needed rest.

He had been considering the only bargaining chip left to him while she slept, turning it over in his mind and trying to find a way around it. When he had gotten out of that life to join Dethklok he had promised himself he would never resort to that for his survival again, but he could not have known then that it was not only his life that would take such a turn for the worse.

Without Abigail Toki would have gladly laid down his life right now, but if he had any chance of ensuring her survival, he would have to give it a shot. Dignity and self-worth did not serve him down here anyway.

Magnus came to bring them water to drink every day around the same time, which could be any moment if he had estimated the interval correctly. Now that Abigail was asleep it would be a good time to bring up his proposal. She would never allow him to do this, and he would not want her to catch wind of it. When the door opened she stirred, but blessedly sank back into a slumber as Magnus set down a set of faded soda bottles filled with water.

'Magnus,' Toki whispered.

His captor's hands stilled at his voice. Perhaps he had thought Toki asleep as well.

'Magnus,' he repeated, 'I thinks I ams desperates enough now.'

Magnus turned to him with a smirk, the dim light from beyond the door glinting in the silver streaks in his hair.

'And whatever do you mean by that, Toki?'

He got up on his knees stiffly as Magnus approached him. It had been over ten years, but Toki had not forgotten how to gauge potential clients. Magnus was not the rapist type or he would have tried something already, but he did like the power that came with his position of prison guard. Toki would have to make a show of willing submission to get him to consider this barter. Crawling up to Magnus' legs he swept his hair over one shoulder and looked up at him with big, pleading eyes that he knew were hard to resist.

'I means that I woulds be very gratefuls,' he ran his hands up Magnus' legs, 'if you woulds gives us some foods. And Toki knows a lot of goods ways,' Magnus allowed him to unbuckle his belt with a mixture of surprise and cruel satisfaction on his face. 'to express hims gratitude.'

'Why don't you show me...' Magnus breathed.

Normally he would make sure to get the payment up front, but he was not exactly in a position to make demands. It could still go to shit, but what other options did he have? Opening Magnus' pants the rest of the way he put all of his rusty skill into sucking him off as efficiently as possible. The last vestiges of his self-worth crumbled as he wrapped his lips around Magnus' half-hard cock, but then again, he had never had much of that to begin with. It was a means to an end, he told himself as he swallowed, nothing more.

Magnus left the room without a word while Toki wiped his mouth. He glanced back at Abigail, hoping fervently that she had slept through it. Toki settled back into the corner with her and resigned himself to waiting to see if this latest humiliation had yielded anything. After an indeterminate amount of time Magnus returned with a grocery bag.

'I guess you deserved this.' He handed the bag over to Toki with a thin-lipped smile.

'Thanks you, Magnus.'

He quickly tucked the bag away behind him, relieved that Magnus had come through. It took a lot out of him to repeat his offer.

'Lets me knows if there ams anything else I can does for you.' 

'Hm, sure buddy.' Magnus gave an amused chuckle before disappearing.

Toki took a minute to compose himself and rub at his prickling eyes and nose. He gently shook Abigail, more comfortable with waking her now that he had a good reason.

'Abigails, wakes up. How does some foods sound to you?' He tried to sound upbeat about it.

'They gave us food? What happened?'

She sat up and drank deeply from the stale tap water.

'I hads to beg Magnus on my knees,' It was not far from the truth. 'but he gives us this just now.'

'That's great, Toki. I don't know how much longer I would have lasted without.' The one-armed hug she gave him made up for the horror, if only a little.

'Does you think they wills ever comes for us?' Toki asked hopelessly, turning an apple over in his hands.

'It's been a long time, sweetie.'

Abigail capped the bottle.

'I’m starting to lose faith, but as long as we're still alive, anything can happen. This helps.'

She held up a chunk of bread appreciatively.

Gradually coming back to himself, Toki tore his eyes away from the dark ceiling that seemed to project his flashback in Imax 3D. In a way this was his worst memory. No one had forced him to do anything, but just like his sixteen year old self he had resorted to turning tricks when faced with starvation. Nothing in his life right now was worth the burden of those memories. Nothing was ever going to wipe out the knowledge of what he had done. Why didn't he just kill himself? Everyone was already expecting it.

Sure, he had promised Skwisgaar he wouldn't, and Ronke, but it would be so easy to step outside and walk into the lake. It would be quick and clean. The shock of hypothermia would take him out before he drowned, he would barely feel anything.

_When you feels bads, just calls me, alrights?_ And say what? 'Hey, Skwisgaar, I feel awful because I used to whore myself out as a kid and I did it again in captivity, only for a lot less. Then again, that probably does not surprise you because I offered to suck your dick once so you wouldn't kick me out of the band. That, and the fact that I'm in love with you is slowly killing me because - where do I even start listing all the reasons why you're never going to want me?'

God, he really had to stop thinking about that.

The fridge did not contain anything useful to help him stop thinking, thanks to Skwisgaar. He closed it again and rested his head against the cool metal. He did still have a handful of sleeping pills. Maybe it was time to put those to good use. It was a grim thought, but not the first time he had it.

Staring into the bathroom mirror with a glass of water in one hand and the entire strip of pills in his other he tried to force himself to take them. The unbidden memories of Skwisgaar grinning through a face full of snow, his hair glowing green with the Northern Lights, his worried face as he left and the kiss on Toki's forehead made him open his hand over the toilet and flush before he could change his mind.

Drinking the glass of water to steady his nerves he dialled Skwisgaar's number. Pickles answered, but put him through to Skwisgaar, who picked up on his mood immediately. 

'Hej Toki, what ams de matters?'

'I... '

Shit, what was he going to say that would not freak Skwisgaar out?

'I'm havings a bit of a rough night. Does you haves time to talk?'

'Of course I gots times. You wants to talks about things whats ams wrong or just...?'

'Anything but that.' He tried to laugh, but it came out more like a sob.

'Alrights...'

He seemed to search for something to talk about.

'Remembers de times we was all talkings about how Mordhaus woulds look like? I was totally high, so I randomly saids I wanteds to live insides a dragons, and you guys just runs with it - had plans draweds up and everythings. When I founds out de next day I laughsed so hard. At forst I thoughts it was goings to be de dumbest house ever, but you idea to makes it like a Drakkar was actuallies awesome...'

Toki padded over to his bed while Skwisgaar laughed softly in his ear. He put his phone on speaker to fish one of the shirts Skwisgaar had worn from the pile he could not bring himself to wash and tugged it over his head. Beneath the covers, surrounded by his voice and scent, it was easier to keep the memories at bay.   

 

*******

Toki hung the jacket of his suit over the back of his chair while his mother put away the last dinner plates. Though things were still strained between them, he was glad she had invited him over for Christmas evening. She was a woman of few words – a leftover from the vow of silence – and Toki was glad he did not have to talk that much. After being locked up in the house for days with only his thoughts as company he was glad to be able to step away from them for a while, even if it meant visiting his mother.

The temptation to give up was so strong now that he was alone again, especially with the agonising realisation that he was head over heels in love and helpless to ignore it. Skwisgaar had said he was going to come back, but once he did, then what? How was Toki going to look him in the face knowing that he had jacked off smelling his scent on the spare pillow?

His mind was such dangerous place these days. Every thought it served up worked towards swallowing his sanity further. There was only one way out of this mess, but he could not even see it through. Maybe some music would help clear his mind.

Rolling up his sleeves, he switched on the old Hammond and sat down behind it, trying to get a feel of the relative position of the keys and pedals now that he was half again as tall as when he last played it. He was still hopeless with sheet music, so he tried one of the few things he thought he might still know by heart: the first movement of Bach's Organ Concerto in A minor.

The combination of dark intensity and staccato coloratura suited his mood. He stumbled over the keys a couple of times where he did not quite remember it on the first go, so he played it again.

His mother quietly set out teacups on the table.

'That's lovely, Toki.' She whispered, resting a hand on his shoulder before drifting away.

The third time he got it right. Hair came loose from his braid and fell into his eyes as he nodded his head in time to the music and shifted his feet on the pedals, but he did not need sight anyway. Shutting his eyes he heard the music better and felt the keys under his fingers more precisely. His hands danced across the notes and he lost himself in the rapid sequences of the music until he hit the powerful chords at the end.

He was breathing hard and sweating a little, but it was cathartic. When he looked up he nearly had a heart-attack. Skwisgaar was leaning against the doorframe in his parka, snow dusting his hair and coat, and was smiling at him. Shit, he was beautiful.

Toki sat stunned for a moment before remembering to close his mouth and return the smile.

How was Skwisgaar back already? Trying to act normal was going to be hard without time to mentally prepare.

He got up automatically, invisible strings drawing him closer before halting at an awkward distance.

'Hei Skwisgaar.' If only he could refrain from blushing while saying that, that would be great.

'Don'ts stop playings on my accounts.' Skwisgaar nodded to the organ. 'Dat sounded pretties cools. Whats was it, Bach?'

'Ja, eh, it was.' He had to pull himself together, say something normal. 

They stared at one another for a second. 

'Come heres.' Skwisgaar stepped forward and closed his arms around him.

Toki's heart rate doubled as he breathed in the scent of night air and pine forest that clung to Skwisgaar's coat and carefully circled his arms around his waist, half afraid that he would make it inappropriate

'How...?' He brought out.

'I don'ts often makes promises, but when I does, I keeps dem.' Skwisgaar murmured into his hair.

'Wowee, what dids you do?' Toki pulled back, curious to hear the story.

They had been texting a lot of nonsense back and forth, but he had purposely avoided asking about that blasted record.

'I worked my ass off. Gots so much to tells you, but it can waits a little while longers.'

Toki's mother carried a tray with a teapot and an extra cup into the living room.

'Gives to me your coat.' Toki held out his shaking hand while Skwisgaar shrugged out of his parka. He was wearing more sensible clothes than last time. Toki blushed again at the thought that the flannel plaid shirt and regular jeans looked pretty good on him.

Hanging Skwisgaar's coat on the rack in the hallway, he loosened his tie and the top button of his dress shirt. It was getting a little hard to breathe realising that Skwisgaar was going to come home with him tonight. Would it be weird if he started sleeping on the couch now? He was terrified of accidentally touching Skwisgaar in his sleep.

He became aware of the fact that he had not moved in a while when his mother called softly from the living room.

'Toki, your tea is getting cold.'

Sitting down next to her he tried not to stare at Skwisgaar, but he was elated to see him again so soon – there was no way he was going to be able to stop. Anja asked Skwisgaar all the appropriate trivial questions about his journey, so Toki took the opportunity to gulp down his tea and sit down behind the organ where no one could see his face. He was not sure if he wanted to smile for days or throw himself off the nearest cliff. Searching for something to play, he settled on the third movement from the A minor concerto.

'Scoots.' Skwisgaar tapped his right shoulder when he finished, and sat down beside him on the bench. 'I wrotes something for pianos de other day...'

The soft flannel of his sleeve rubbed against Toki's bare forearm as he positioned his big, bony fingers on the keys.

'...except I's not shores abouts dis chord.'

His right hand moved delicately over the highest octave while he grounded the melody with low minor chords. It sounded like softly falling snow and time trickling away, and it was gorgeous.

'Shoulds it be de regular chord? Or maybe dis reversal?' He repeated the melody to showcase what he meant.

'Maybes...' Toki brushed his left hand aside to take over with his own. 'If you does the seconds, you gots to change the previous chord, too, like this.'

'You's right. Dat is betters.' Skwisgaar turned his head to look at him, but Toki lowered his gaze. 'Does you likes it?' Skwisgaar asked.

'Yeah, I likes it a lot.'

'I wrotes it for you.'

'Whats?'

Did Skwisgaar actually just say that, or was his imagination playing tricks on him?

'I cancelled de Doomstar and wrotes and recordeds new demos.' Skwisgaar said with a smile that was entirely too modest for his face.

'Seriously?'

He was just bragging, right?

'Ja.'

'In three days? And you wrotes it for me? Wowee.'

He could only imagine how much work that must have been.

'I hopes you don'ts minds.'

Toki looked up sharply. Skwisgaar's face was so close.

'You gots to be kiddings, that ams the best thing anyone's ever dones for me.' He breathed.

His mother's light footfalls approached.

'Boys, I don't mean to rush you, but I have two services to lead tomorrow, so I would like to have an early night.'   

'Actually, it ams about times I gots some sleeps, too.'

Skwisgaar stood up and shook her hand while Toki retrieved his jacket and their coats.

'God natt, Mrs Wartooth.'

'God natt, Skwisgaar. Nice of you to stop by.'

'Thanks you for dinner, mor.' Toki gave her a polite kiss on her cheek. 'God jul.'

'You, too, Toki. Drive safely.' She patted his cheek.        

Toki turned on the heating in the car and stalled a little by wiping snow off the windshield and the windows, but eventually he made himself get in.

'I can'ts believe you's back alreadies.' He mumbled, turning down the music blasting from the speakers.

'I ams a fuckings wizard.' Skwisgaar smirked. 'Let's goes! I needs to catch up on five days of sleeps.'

 

*******

Skwisgaar still slept like the dead when Toki woke up. He had to suppress a nervous flutter at the realisation that their socked feet were touching, but at least he had not tried to snuggle up to Skwisgaar in his sleep or worse, hump him or some shit like that. The grey light of morning shone out from underneath the curtains just enough to make out his face where it half-buried into the pillow. It had taken Skwisgaar a while to settle enough to be able to sleep last night, since he had taken an unholy amount of cocaine to keep going the last couple of days. Eventually he had crashed hard to pay the toll for his work. Skin was drawn tight over his cheekbones and the circles under his eyes were bruise-coloured, but his face looked serene now that he was resting.

The Dethklok guys liked to call Skwisgaar feminine, but Toki could not see where they got that idea. Not with his high forehead, bold nose and angular bone structure. Resisting the impulse to run his finger along the lines of his features, Toki contented himself with simply looking. He was gorgeous. No wonder every lady in the world had either fucked him or wanted to fuck him.

When Skwisgaar stirred he jumped out of bed guiltily.

Going through his exercises to distract himself with burning muscles helped ground him, and gave him some time to think. His thoughts kept going in panicky circles, torn between wanting to keep Skwisgaar around and thinking of ways he could avoid pining over him every minute of the day. The shower started running around the time his abs acidified. Switching to push-ups, he still could not make any sense of the situation. His feelings were just so misplaced and impossible; this was never going to go anywhere but downhill for him. As if he had not hit rock bottom already, he had to add unrequited love to his torments.

Sweating like an otter, he drank three glasses of water over the kitchen sink to replenish his fluid balance. Even the underside of his tail was soaked through with sweat. Since Skwisgaar was still occupying the bathroom he decided to get some breakfast started, cracking open a couple of eggs into a skillet. Irregular dripping on the linoleum behind him announced Skwisgaar's presence as Toki rummaged through the fridge for some bacon.

'What ams dat smell?'

'The goods ones am breakfast, the bad ones is me.'

Skwisgaar laughed, and Toki had never noticed before how dorky his low chuckle sounded. Fuck, it was adorable. And infectious. He turned back to the stove with a packet of bacon and tossed it haphazardly in the pan, suddenly forgotten how to cook at the sight of a lean bare chest over faded jeans.

'Does you needs any helps with dat?' Skwisgaar asked, looking over his shoulder.

Cold, wet strands of hair swung against the back of Toki's t-shirt, dampening it.

'Maybe grabs some plates?'

Toki turned the gas down and poked mindlessly at the eggs with a spatula.

Skwisgaar reached around him to get to the cutlery drawer, and Toki tried to get out of the way, tossing the spatula on the counter and stepping back. Bumping into Skwisgaar he spun around, holding up his hands in apology. Skwisgaar steadied him by his shoulders and did not let go, a subtle smile on his face. He lowered his eyes to Toki's mouth and stepped closer.

In a split second Toki realised that Skwisgaar was going to kiss him. His panicking brain pumped out a flood of adrenaline as their lips met, sending his heart rate through the roof. As lips parted underneath his it was damn hard not to hyperventilate. He put his trembling hands on the bare skin of Skwisgaar's waist as big hands squeezed his upper arms. His mind went completely blank when he felt Skwisgaar's tongue tentatively press against his, urging him to open his mouth further. The kitchen cabinets stopped him from backing up any further when he hit them with a thud.

Skwisgaar pulled away, and Toki backhanded him across his face hard, shocking them both. Skwisgaar raised a hand to his mouth and they stared at each other, wide-eyed and gasping.

'Toki!'

'Don'ts do that to me. Don'ts gives me hope where there amen'ts any.' He whispered, pleading.

His entire being screamed 'to hell with that', dying for another taste of what it could be like, but he was not ready for the consequences.

'Dat horts.' Skwisgaar said.

'Sorry. You needs an ice-pack or something?'

It was not the first time he had punched Skwisgaar, but this was perhaps an overreaction.

'Nej, I meant whats you saids.'

'Like you amen'ts goins to bolt at the first signs of a pretty goil!'

Fuck, he was in too deep already, and they had barely even made out.

'Toki, I just moveds de fuckings heavens and earth to keeps my promises to you. Gives to me a bit more credits.' Skwisgaar sounded indignant, and he had all right to be.

'Shit, I'm sorry. Please, forgives Toki.'

He reached up to feel Skwisgaar's face, standing on his toes on impulse to be able to kiss where he hit him.

'Whats you dids means the world to me, I just never thoughts...' He trailed off uncertainly.

'Ja, it ams pretty unexpecteds...' Skwisgaar acceded, giving Toki a crooked smile.

He held his breath under Skwisgaar's gaze, waiting for some sort of clue that it was alright to kiss him again. A hand guided his head closer as Skwisgaar pressed their lips together with a hint of the violence Toki just used on him. His nose dug into Toki's cheek, his fingers into the muscles of his lower back. Toki shivered with the cold sweat that broke out on his torso.

Skwisgaar kissing him was everything he wanted and feared rolled into one, and it made him anxious to think what would be next. Rather than think he just tried to feel; the cool skin of flat pectoral muscles, the ridge of spine rising up from his waistband, the arm hooked around Toki's shoulders - paying attention to the pure sensations helped him recognise that this felt right. He lost himself in the slide of their tongues, tangling one hand in Skwisgaar's damp hair and stroking the other down his back to cup his ass.

The appreciative little sound that escaped Skwisgaar made Toki acutely aware that he was getting very obviously hard in the fitted boxer shorts he was wearing. It did not seem to matter to Skwisgaar, who grabbed his hips to draw them against his own. This was escalating a little too quickly for Toki's taste, but when the shrill sound of the smoke alarm cut through the kitchen he realised there was nothing he wanted more.

As soon as he had turned off the stove and yanked the battery from the alarm, Skwisgaar grabbed his hand and led him back to the bedroom. 

 

 


	13. Starchild

Pickles had not half known how right he had been when he had teasingly said that Skwisgaar loved Toki a little. With no comparable material to speak of it had not been clear from the start, but he had for a while now. Skwisgaar had always expected love to announce itself with wild physical attraction that transformed into something more permanent. For love to sneak up on him in the form of his best friend was the strangest revelation, but Toki occupied his thoughts every minute of the day now.

Skwisgaar had wanted to kiss him ever since he saw Toki play Bach when he thought no one was looking; braid swaying softly on the back of his fitted dress shirt, eyes screwed shut in concentration. Toki's astonished expression when he laid eyes upon him and his subsequent blush made it clear that something was brewing between them on both sides, but his reticence and the presence of Toki's conservative Christian mother had stopped Skwisgaar from trying anything. Toki had obviously been a little out of sorts from the surprise of his return, and he had been too tired to address the elephant in the room that evening.

Perhaps he should have warned Toki, or talked about it, but he was irrevocably lost when he had laid his hands on him in the confines of the kitchen. Those big eyes staring from his red, sweaty face had been impossible to resist, and fusing their bodies seemed the only way forward.

Toki had made him pay for his impetuosity.

His jaw throbbed as he led Toki to the bedroom, but he had no regrets. He had never known kissing someone could feel like so much more than a formality before fucking someone. Kissing Toki felt right, it felt like belonging. At the same time it was nerve-wracking to make himself so vulnerable.

Toki appeared even more nervous than Skwisgaar felt as they halted in front of his bed. He worried at his lower lip with his teeth and his eyes were downcast, so Skwisgaar pulled him closer by his hands. He bent down to catch Toki's gaze.

'Ams dis okay? Does you wants dis, too?'

Skwisgaar's fingers skimmed the thin fabric of his underwear as he pulled his hips closer. This was not supposed to be so arousing. The heady scent of Toki's sweat and the hard lines of his obviously male body should not be such a turn-on.

'God, yes,' Toki groaned, minutely grinding himself against Skwisgaar's hip before capturing his mouth for a rough kiss.

The possessive hand squeezing his ass made him melt into Toki's touch.

'Alrights, let's fuck,' Skwisgaar grinned, braver than he felt.

This was going to be a little different from his usual gig. Sure, he had had women in all shapes and sizes, and even threesomes with another guy, but never actually fucked one.

'When dids you last does dis sort of thing?' He joked, unsure if Toki had any experience in this area.

Toki hesitated.

'Two weeks agos.' He mumbled.

'I fuckings knew it! Was it dat drummers kid?' Skwisgaar blurted out with a pang of jealousy.

Toki merely shook his head, refusing to look at him. Tilting his chin up, Skwisgaar smoothed a hand over his pulled-back hair. 'Wells, you betters tells me whats to does, then.'

Toki placed a hand on the centre of his chest and pushed him onto the bed. Skwisgaar lay back on the pillows to watch Toki crawl over him, his eyes travelling up his legs and bare chest to his face. His expression was so conflicted; anxiety, tenderness and want all warred for dominance. Toki positioned himself on Skwisgaar's hips, and Skwisgaar stroked his bare legs as he folded them. It was so unreal to do this to Toki of all people, but Skwisgaar automatically bucked up to get some friction where Toki's tight ass trapped his growing erection. 

'Takes off you shirts off.' He requested hoarsely.

To reconcile the fact that he was not normally attracted to men with the urge to get as close to Toki as humanly possible - to bury himself in him - was going to take some time. Sex as an expression of love was unknown territory for both of them, he suspected.

Seeing Toki’s familiar face with different eyes was an epiphany; it was no longer the plain face of a man who happened to be his friend, but was lovely in ways he had been blind to previously. Eyes that had seen too much retained their innocence, and the shy smile that threatened to break through his anxious expression was the only thing that mattered in the world.

Reaching around Toki's head to undo his ponytail, he tossed the hair tie onto the nightstand. The hair that slipped down around his bare shoulders was as smooth to the touch as it looked, and Skwisgaar took his time to play with it, arranging it around Toki’s face with brushing motions. Toki's eyes fluttered shut under the attention.

'Please tells me I's not dreamings.' He said under his breath, and Skwisgaar's heart went out to him.

The swollen muscles on Toki's chest were sticky with dried sweat when Skwisgaar ran his hand down, feeling the ridges of his abs with his thumb. Toki met his gaze with half-lidded eyes, inhaling sharply as Skwisgaar hooked a finger underneath the waistband of his shorts. His mouth fell open as Skwisgaar palmed his erection through the material, feeling out the size and shape of him with curiosity.

Toki leaned forward on one arm so he could kiss him while he reverently stroked Skwisgaar's cheek with calloused fingertips.

'I's goings to take off your jeans,' Toki whispered in the space between their lips, and he nodded in acceptance, trailing his fingers along Toki's arms as he moved away.

Once rid of the cumbersome denim, Toki looked hesitant to get completely naked, so Skwisgaar motioned for him to lie down beside him, reversing their positions. The contrast between Toki's physical strength and emotional vulnerability moved him deeply as he stared down into his borderline fearful eyes. Skwisgaar kissed him until he saw a semblance of a smile before moving any further.

Using his knee to wedge the legs beneath his apart he lowered himself onto Toki's broad chest, nuzzling his cheek and Fu Manchu. It was definitely strange, but he found that he did not mind the facial hair, or all the muscle, or the very insistent cock poking his stomach through Toki's underwear. He ground down on it to see Toki's reaction, and was rewarded with soft moan and the grip on his ass tightening. Lying down on Toki's side he slipped his hand inside Toki's underpants, stroking the smooth skin of his dickhead and taking it in his hand to jack him off slowly.

'Oh, faen,' Toki grimaced, rolling onto his side in a mirroring position, knees knocking against his legs and shoving a hand between Skwisgaar's legs in return.

He could not hold back a blissful sigh when Toki's firm grip wrapped around his cock and he rested their foreheads together. The position was a little awkward and they kept getting in each other's way, prompting Skwisgaar to pull back for a second.

'Toki, does you wants me to blow you? Not sures if I'ms any goods, but-'

He ran his fingers across the arm that was working his dick, unable to stop his hips from jerking into Toki's grasp. If he did not take it easy he would be coming all over Toki's hands in no time.

'I woulds like to tries.'

Shaking his head with closed eyes, Toki mumbled: 'Woulds you fuck me insteads?'

'Ams you shores?' He verified, holding back a groan when Toki answered affirmatively.

'Tells me how you wants it.'

While Skwisgaar made quick work of shedding his underwear, Toki pulled a bottle of lube from the nightstand and warmed some up between his hands. He used both of them to slather Skwisgaar’s cock with it and slowly pumped a fist up and down his length, letting out a soft chuckle when Skwisgaar moaned his name. 

'Lies down.' Toki implored, straddling him with his powerful thighs.

The thought that Toki was probably a bossy bottom or rather dominant once he was completely comfortable shot through Skwisgaar's mind, heightening the arousal he felt when a hand guided his cock between Toki's legs. There was still an air of anxiety about him, but hopefully that would fade once they got a bit better acquainted with each other's sexuality. He silently gasped for air as Toki slowly sank down, twitching against the tight slide around his dick that suffused him with pleasure once muscle gave way.

Toki biting his lip behind a curtain of hair was so endearing that Skwisgaar sat up before he could bottom out, wrapping one arm around Toki's waist and hooking his hair behind his ear with the other.

'I wants you to knows dat you looks very beautifuls like dis.' Skwishaar murmured, raking his gaze across Toki's feverish face.

The wordless exclamations as he rocked into Toki both surprised him and egged him on. He would not have taken Toki for a screamer, but the fact that he did woke something primal in him as he rocked into him. Skwisgaar desperately tried to pace himself, but it was a lost cause. Toki slammed his hips down with a force that would not be denied, and soon he found himself burying his face in Toki's chest, spilling with a drawn-out groan as his orgasm ripped through him.  

His hot breaths condensed on Toki's skin as they held each other close, with Toki's lips on the top of his head and his thick arms around his neck. Skwisgaar suddenly realised he had completely neglected to take care of him. Normally he would always make sure his partner came first before he inadvertedly fell asleep, but there was something about fucking Toki that had driven him out of his mind. When his cock started to slip Toki released him with a soft peck and headed for the bathroom without a word.

'Where ams you goings? We's not done yet!' Skwisgaar called after him. 

'Yeah, we are!'

The flat tone in which Toki responded did not sit well with him, all notions of taking a nap forgotten. He got up and went after him on unsteady legs. The bathroom was already steaming up, and he joined Toki under the spray uninvited. Toki was facing the wall, the water flattening his hair against his back. 

'Tells me what ams de matter. Please.' He rested his hands lightly on Toki's waist.

Wrapping an arm around himself defensively, Toki said: 'I can't.'

'Can'ts what?' He asked, confused.

Can't tell or can't something else?

'Get off.' It was almost lost in the sound of the water.

'Not at all?'

'Not in front of anyones.'

While the confession sunk in, Skwisgaar realised he was not surprised given the circumstances of Toki's childhood. Growing up around religious extremists was enough to make anyone deeply repressed. Add the abuse and the corporal punishment to that and no wonder Toki had issues with trust and intimacy. Sporadic fucks with groupies were not going to resolve those.

'But jackings off works?' He pried, just to be sure.

'Yeah.' Toki admitted quietly.

Skwisgaar thought about it for a moment. This might not be easy to fix, but at least it was not a physical problem. Maybe if they committed to finding a solution it might actually work. 

'You wants me to try helps you fix it?' He had no first-hand experience with the problem himself, but this was his area of expertise, after all.

'Yeah, sures.'

Toki shrugged, as if he had little faith in a resolution.

'I's not goings to force you to does anythings, but you wants to hears my ideas?'

'Okay.'

'You can'ts jack off by youself anymore. I know dat's rough, but if you wants to gets off, you gots to lets me do it. Or try doings it in de same room. If anything, you's goings to be so desperates for it dat it will happens sooner or laters.'

Toki grimaced, but nodded.

'I's also goings to make out with you and cuddles you until you gets sick of me.' He ran a hand down Toki's wet stomach. 'You wants me to try right now?'

'No thanks.'

'Alrights.'

Placing a couple of languid kisses on his forehead he reached for the shampoo and lathered Toki's hair.

'Tokis?'

'Yeah?'

'I bets you a millions billions dollars dat I can get you off before de end of de weeks.'

 

*******

Cleaning up the last of the breakfast mess by scraping the eggs-turned-charcoal off the skillet Toki tried to forget about the mortification that lurked in the back of his mind, ready to cripple him with shame and self-hatred as soon as he allowed his thoughts to wander. It was one thing to cock up a one night stand, but this was a terrible way to start whatever was going on between them. What the hell was wrong with him? He couldn't even fuck right. The hope that having sex with someone he loved would be different had been crushed early on when he felt the same as always; too tense and fearful to let go. He was unbelievably damaged in comparison to Skwisgaar, who had been so goddamned sweet, and beautiful and _functioning_.

What did he even have to offer someone like him? He was a mess, and he was going to remain a mess for the unforeseeable future. It was amazing that Skwisgaar wanted to give him a chance, wanted to help him heal, but what if he couldn't? He had never been good at bringing anything to a successful end.

'Toki!' Skwisgaar called enthusiastically from the living room. 'Comes listen to dis!'

Hesitantly putting the pan aside, he had to force himself to leave the safety of the kitchen. Skwisgaar was plugging headphones into Toki's laptop when the shuffled up to the couch.

'Knubblers sents me de pre-master of de demos, listens to it. Dere's no vocals yet, but you gets de idea.' Skwisgaar seemed proud and confident on the surface, but there was an undertone of fishing for approval.

Toki obediently sat next to him even though he was still embarrassed to show his face. Cold fingers hooked his hair behind his ears, and Skwisgaar handed him the headphones with a hint of a tender smile.

The music of the first song that filled his head was nothing short of magical. It was not so much Dethklok as it was Skwisgaar's personality made into sound; cold and bone-chilling, but layered with perfect harmonies and deeply moving melodies. There was winter and sorrow and madness in the guitars, and the piano interlude that Skwisgaar had showed him at his mother's house evoked loss and regret.

The piano parts that ended the song cut right through him, and it was too much, too unbearably sad and beautiful. He fought his feelings with all his might, but holding his breath did not stop the tears from falling.

'Dat bad?' Skwisgaar whispered with amusement as he plucked the headphones off his head.

He placed soft kisses along Toki's hairline as he sheltered him in the confines of his arms.

'You haves no idea...'

Toki wept into the flannel of his shirt, and Skwisgaar held him until he calmed down.

'When I saids I wrotes it for you, I didn'ts just means because I wanteds to cancel de Doomstar on you behalf.' Skwisgaar said carefully, stroking his hair. 'I wants you to play dis with me, Toki. I won'ts haves anyone else does it. Dis ams for you and me.'

'I can'ts do it justice-'

Skwisgaar had already recorded it perfectly; anything Toki would try would be a poor imitation.

'You's de only one whats cans! I plays with a lot of talented guitarists, but they don'ts complete my playing like you does.'      

'You don'ts needs to says that just because we fucked.'

'I saids it before, but you didn'ts listen!' Skwisgaar sounded mildly exasperated.

Holding Toki at an arm’s length, there was fire in Skwisgaar’s eyes as he bored them into his.

'All de guys wants you back in Dethklok because you ams de best guitarist for dis band, and because you ams de best porson of any of us. We all misses you, Toki. It amen'ts workings without you.'

Skwisgaar conveyed his exasperation with a forceful kiss that did not quite refute Toki's feelings of worthlessness, but kept them at bay for the moment, at least.

'We talks about it later, alrights? Listens to de other songs forst.'

He unplugged the headphones so they could listen together.

Clicking the second song, he wiped a stray tear from Toki's face with a troubled look. As the drums and lead guitar burst into an unforgiving riff over the throb of the bass and rhythm, he folded one of his gangly legs around Toki, pulling him back against his chest. Brutality intermingled with wonder as the lead flowed into a surprisingly upbeat melody that was echoed by keys. During a breakdown Skwisgaar sang softly in his ear, his low, raw voice undulating on the harmonising guitars. The Swedish was mostly unintelligible to Toki, but he caught something about wasting life and the cosmos, and he was transported back to the conversation they had had under the Northern Lights.

'You shoulds sing more often, Skwisgaar.'

Toki tilted his head back to rest against his sharp collarbone.

'I loves you voice.'

Skwisgaar huffed.

'Nej, dis ams an exceptions I's makings for you. I leaves it to Nathans - don'ts wants Dethklok to torns into de Skwisgaar show. I already dids most of de work on de demo. Only Pickle did the drums, and Nathans was going to record vocals after Christmas.'

'You dids all the guitars by yourself? Whats about that new guy?'

'He fucked off to Italy for de holidays. As soon as you agrees to come backs we's kickings him out.' 

'Shows to me the third song.' Toki changed the subject, not wanting to think about the consequences of returning to Dethklok.

The last song was something else entirely. Its long intro was just the rhythm playing a slow but inescapable melody, and the lead harmonised very subtly it in a higher register before the song broke loose like an oncoming storm. This music hit too fucking close to home, the music translating with slow, surgical precision what he had been feeling the last couple of weeks.

'Skwisgaar, this ams awful,' he whispered, 'I feels this in my fuckings soul.'

'Sorry,' Skwisgaar whispered back. 'If you don'ts like it...'

'Fucks no, I needs it in my life.'

'Goods, because dis musics needs you.' Skwisgaar said a little too triumphantly.

'I didn'ts says I woulds play it.' He rebutted.

'You wills.' Skwisgaar's lips curled into a smile against the shell of his ear.

 

*******

Night fell early over their home, but Toki put off going to bed as long as he could. Skwisgaar played slow triads on a chair, a sock around the neck of his Explorer to lessen the open string noise. He had complained about his wrists aching from the extreme amount of playing he had done in the past days, but he did not want to hear a word about giving it a rest for a day or so, and Toki did not press the argument. With Skwisgaar seemingly occupied Toki snuck off to the bedroom. If he could maintain a decent interval perhaps he could pretend to be asleep when Skwisgaar followed.

As soon as he pulled his shirt over his head to change into his sleepwear he was startled by rough fingertips grazing his abs. So much for that plan, he thought as heat pooled in his lower body. Why the fuck did this stress him out so much if he wanted it this badly? Sensing his discomfort, Skwisgaar left him to undress by himself.

They converged under the covers after their separate grooming rituals, facing each other on their sides, tentatively touching without hurry. Unintentionally tensing when Skwisgaar's hands wandered below his waist, he mentally scolded himself for being so uptight. He had let virtual strangers do more with less abstention. Perhaps this would be easier if he were drunk off his ass again.

'Tells me when I needs to stop.' Skwisgaar implored. 'Don'ts be nervous on my accounts though. You amen'ts de only one, and it's goings to be okay.'

Toki rolled onto his back, exhaling heavily.

'No, don'ts stop, I'm just...' Being a baby? Fucked in the head?

An arm around his waist fitted him with his back against Skwisgaar's chest. The plush lips in his neck managed to distract him from his worries for a while, until a hand began tracing his thigh. How could he be this painfully hard and still unable to enjoy it?

'I wants to fuck you again,' Skwisgaar pleaded into the crook of his neck, the shameless admission sending a jolt through his belly.

'Do it,' Toki whispered back.

Expressing his reluctance to let go with lingering nips and kisses in his neck, Skwisgaar eventually extracted himself long enough to prepare. Toki remained where he was; there was something comforting about the way they had been lying. Lube got everywhere when Skwisgaar aligned himself, trying to find the right spot, and Toki managed a smile at his helpless cursing before guiding him.

'There. No, a bits back. Ow! Yeah, that's it, go on, fuck me.'

Managing his breathing as he adjusted to Skwisgaar's girth he had to stop him for a second, still a little sore from that morning.

Skwisgaar bit his neck and moaned impatiently as he stayed his thrusts until Toki pushed back against him. He bent Toki forward a bit to adjust the angle, and Toki let out a wordless shout at the overwhelming pleasure.

'Does you likes dat? Shit, you coulds make me come just by makings dat sound.'

Toki felt like if he concentrated enough maybe he could get himself off on this, but fisting his cock as Skwisgaar bucked into him only managed to edge him. He stopped, frustrated beyond belief, and the fact that he remained rock-hard and wanting was pure torment. He gritted his teeth as Skwisgaar dissolved into erratic thrusts and low moans, and then paused with a heavy sigh.

'Somethings wrong?' Toki asked.

He hoped Skwisgaar had not caught on how aggravated he felt.

'Don'ts want to come just yet.' Skwisgaar whispered against his shoulder.

'Finish it.' Toki commanded. He did not know how much more of this he could take.  

Skwisgaar let out a low whine, rocking once, twice before he stilled and his cock started pulsing violently. Growling in frustration, Toki yanked a pair of towels out of his nightstand and shoved one into Skwisgaar's hands.

'I gots to take a cold showers.'

'For what it ams worth… you ams fucking amazing to me,' Skwisgaar called softly as Toki stalked out of the bedroom. 'Gives it time.'

It helped to a certain degree that Skwisgaar was completely unfazed by his mental block, but then again, he had probably seen it all. If anyone had reason to be confident about their sexual prowess it was him. In a way it was refreshing not having to deal with his potential humiliation or insecurity as well as his own issues.

The cold water shocked him into letting go of the remnants of his lust. He heard Skwisgaar briefly wash himself at the sink while he shivered under the icy spray, but when Toki returned to the bed thoroughly freezing he was already halfway asleep. Skwisgaar pulled him close despite the frustration that rolled off him in waves, flipping his tail out of the way so he could nuzzle his neck.

The arm around his waist took some getting used to as he got comfortable, but his last thought before falling asleep was that he had never felt safer.     

 

Somewhere during the night he woke up from a fitful wet dream, in the process of rubbing himself against the mattress, and decided he had had enough. Would the 'in the same room' rule count if Skwisgaar was asleep? He did not really care, at this point. Pushing his covers away from his hot, flushed body and lying back carefully so as not to disturb Skwisgaar he extended a hand until it connected with his perfect ass. Raking his eyes over the curve of his spine as he slept on his stomach with his soft curls spreading out behind his head, Toki finally had the opportunity to enjoy his  beauty unhindered by his own inhibitions.

His cock twitched in his hand, a string of precome dipping down onto his stomach. Squeezing himself slowly with one hand, he rubbed the other along Skwisgaar's skin, biting his tongue as he picked up the pace. It felt sort of clandestine, but this was the best chance he had if he did not want to end up with permanently blue balls.

Screwing his eyes shut against the force of his climax his heart missed a beat when Skwisgaar stirred under his hand, but he could not stop the semen from gushing onto his stomach even if he wanted to.  

When his breathing evened out he rolled his head towards Skwisgaar, who was smiling at him with half lidded eyes.

'How was dat?'

He groaned in embarrassment.

Skwisgaar stretched to kiss his heated face.

'Imagines how much betters blowing you load in my ass is goings to be.'

Toki's eyes widened and he froze in the process of wiping cum off his chest.

'I'ms goings to wants you to.' Skwisgaar smirked lazily.

'Great, now I gots to jack off again.'

Skwisgaar's throaty laugh was warm against his cheek.

 

 


	14. Wings heal in time

Toki seemed to be in a better headspace today as they strolled through the blinding white snow. Frost bit at their exposed faces but there was virtually no wind, which made it bearable. From what Skwisgaar could see of Toki's expression he appeared to be at peace. A three day streak without flashbacks and nightmares did him a world of good, as did the rapidly consolidating trust between the two them.

While Toki did not open up about absolutely everything, the simple fact that Skwisgaar was willing to listen made a lot of difference. He was beginning to understand why Toki was always looking for friends; the deep connection they established now gave a lot more meaning to everyday life. Toki made him feel like what he did mattered, that he mattered as a person regardless of what he achieved.

Watching Toki stomp through the snow ahead was a delight. He was walking a very fine line between looking wildly attractive and adorable as he excitedly pointed out animal tracks in the snow, shielding his eyes against the bright winter sun with a pair of shiny aviators. The ends of his hair desperately needed a trim and his skin was the pinnacle of Nordic pallor, but he looked better than he had all year.

Perhaps Skwisgaar could risk bringing up some serious talk about the possibility of his return to Dethklok today. Until he knew what Toki was going to decide he felt suspended, because he was unsure how he would continue if he were to decline. He was constantly preoccupied by what it was going to take to make Toki come back to them.

Although he did not want to pressure Toki into taking any rash decisions, it was clear that the longer he waited the more risk he took of Toki getting too caught up in his life here to leave. He was pretty attached to Ronke and his bandmates, and the chance to have a healthier relationship with his mother was also important to his happiness.

And then there were the people headhunting him for his musical talent. He might be the most underappreciated member within Dethklok, but since the rumours of Toki's departure had started spreading over the holidays there had been a couple of bold inquiries from various Scandinavian metal bands. Toki had reacted with surprise and reluctance to any proposals so far, but it bugged Skwisgaar nonetheless.

Squatting in the frozen underbrush Toki was trying to lure a hungry and inquisitive squirrel closer. His phone went off just as the animal tentatively reached for the bread crust he was offering.

'Aw, fuck,' Toki said disappointedly as the rodent scurried away, patting his pockets to locate his phone.

'Hallos? Ja, this ams Toki Wartooth, who's I speakings to?' He cupped his hand over the receiver and mouthed to Skwisgaar: 'How am all these guys gettings my numbers?' He turned back to his phone. 'Listens, Sami, you sounds like a pal, but who tolds you this informations?'

Sami? It was a common enough name, but he could only think of one person who qualified to be making inquiries about Toki. Besides, the Finnish metal scene was one big incest pool anyway. 

'You auditioned for Dethklok?' Toki smirked. 'That's cool. How dids you like playins with Skwisgaar?' Sticking out his tongue Toki turned away to laugh conspirationally. 'Wowee, you must be reals good if he didn'ts rag on you playing. Uhuh. You sure about dat, because it sounds like you coulds be miles out of my league? No, I actually likes that ideas, but I gots a lot of stuff goings on rights now.' Toki said, sounding far too chipper about it for Skwisgaar's tastes. 'You know whats, calls me again in January, alrights? I mights be able to tells you more by then. Yeah. Sees you!'

'Don'ts tells me dat was Sami Luukainen.' Skwisgaar said as Toki stuffed his phone back in his coat.

'Okay.' Toki wandered off the path again to look for squirrels.

'Wells?' Skwisgaar called after him as he made his way into the trees.

'You saids 'don'ts'.' Came the taunting reply.

'Toki! What dids he calls you about?'

Skwisgaar tried to squash his controlling tendencies where he could, but unfortunately he had not become any less jealous now that they were screwing around. If he could not have Toki in his band, no one could.

'Hush,' Toki said quietly, extending a hand with another piece of the sandwich he had apparently been saving for this sole purpose. A dark brown squirrel extended its nose towards Toki's outstretched fingers, hesitating. It snatched the scrap of bread and retreated a little, and Toki beamed at it. That definitely tipped the scales towards adorable, and not even in the sarcastic sense Skwisgaar was wont to use.

'Whats, ams you a fuckins Disney princess now?' He teased.

'Disney ams pretty metal.' Toki shrugged, tearing off another piece.

'No, Tokis. I don'ts think so.'

Then again, if Nathan was really into Disneyland and related shit, it might just be. Nathan was pretty much the embodiment of metal.

'Well, how abouts when my animal pals woulds be rats and bats?'

Skwisgaar laughed at the sincerity with which Toki carried on the conversation.

'Don'ts know. Bats, maybes.'

'I had some rats pals in the dungeon. Tried to eats them at some point - they stayeds away after that.'

'Dats pretties brutal.' Skwisgaar replied faintly, imagining Toki tearing into a dead rat with his teeth.

Gross. Just another reminder of how desperate things must have gotten for Toki and Abigail down there.

'Ja, I'd probablies eats a rat too.'

Skwisgaar knew better than to express his disgust. He also knew a little about going hungry, enough to empathise in any case. He had eaten some pretty weird shit in his youth.

Toki dusted the crumbs off his hands and re-joined Skwisgaar on the trail, unaffected for once by the topic of his imprisonment. He was the perfect height for it to be comfortable when Skwisgaar slung an arm around his shoulders as they walked on. Toki's lips pulled into a wide smile beneath his sunglasses, and he rubbed his cheek affectionately against Skwisgaar's shoulder.

'This ams a good day,' he said.

It was, and Skwisgaar wondered again if he had the courage to risk the good mood by bringing up the future of Dethklok before it was too late. Toki slipped his hand in the back pocket of his jeans. Perhaps it could wait. If only he could get Toki to play with him he could show him that he was willing to change, to create a better working environment and relationship with him. If he could prove that, maybe it would not be such a big step to come back home to Mordhaus for him.

Remarkably, when they returned to Toki's cabin with the sun fading behind the rising mountains if felt like he could happily call this home as well. It was a weird place to be in, but he was not ready to give up on Dethklok before they finished the album Skwisgaar envisioned since he started composing it a week ago. However, the cabin with its well-built wooden furniture, the mountains, the woods - if Toki decided to come back to Mordhaus it might be a nice retreat for them every once in a while.

'Seriously, though, Toki, whats was dat phonescall about?'

He could not contain his suspicion regarding randomly calling Fins. Those guys would normally rather die a slow and painful death than communicate in any way that did not involve the concisely written word, so they must be feeling the urgency of reeling Toki in before anyone else did.

'Hm, yeah, he tells me he's startings up a brutals folk metals band and brought a real goods drummer in, so he decided to ask if I wanteds to joins too. His ideas for songs sounded pretties cools.' Toki relayed enthusiastically.

'Rhythms or leads?' If Toki and Sami could find a good balance between them they might form an unstoppable force that could rival Dethklok.

'Do that even matters?' Toki raised his eyebrows.

'It woulds to me.'

Skwisgaar could never go back to a supporting role at this point in his career.

'Yeah, you such a natural borns ego - I means leaders.'

Toki's playful laugh was his only warning before he got scooped up and thrown over his shoulder like he wasn't 6'4.

The bones of Toki's wide shoulders poked his stomach uncomfortably, but Skwisgaar's exasperated sigh trailed off in a hum of appreciation as the hand stabilizing his ass started squeezing him softly. The blood rush to his head was a bit much though, and he tapped Toki's back to be let down. Toki kissed him soundly while he wobbled on his legs, smacking his butt to urge him up the steps to the front door. They left their boots and coats in a heap on the mat, tumbling onto the couch to make out.

Skwisgaar ended up on his back with his legs dangling over the armrest, and Toki eased himself on top, folding his legs around Skwisgaar's. Seeing himself reflected in Toki's shades was odd, so he plucked them off to be able to see his eyes. Toki's hair slid down from behind his ears to tickle his face, and Skwisgaar had the fleeting thought that the bed might be more comfortable. However, he did not want to make this into anything more than it was, so he followed Toki's lead. Perhaps playing it down would work towards defusing the pressure Toki felt a little more. 

As long as sex was going to feel like a performance he had to deliver it was never going to work for Toki. Aside from the one night when he had thought Skwisgaar asleep he had not managed to get off while they had sex. The last two days Skwisgaar had cut back on taking the initiative even though he could probably keep up fucking him twice daily for the next year. He knew nothing of Toki's sexual history, but it seemed like an important element that he should reclaim his own agency if he were to ever break through his impediment. Toki was not naturally submissive, but he almost let himself be victimised during sex.

Skwisgaar had the feeling that if he tried to convey this to Toki, he would tell him to screw that psychological mumbo-jumbo, so he did not bother him with it. He held it in the back of his mind to give Toki as much opportunity as possible to work it out for himself. 

They kissed lazily for a while, hands petting through hair and under shirts aimlessly, but Skwisgaar felt Toki gradually getting worked up about it. Curling his hands around Skwisgaar's shoulders, he ground down heavily, his breath coming in mindless gasps as his kisses turned sloppy. Toki buried his face in Skwisgaar's neck, his solid weight pushing the breath from his lungs as he rutted against him. Skwisgaar kept his touches and breathing light so as not to break his concentration and was rewarded by the stranglehold Toki had on himself slipping.

'Fy faen helvete satan...hnnnngggg..!' Skwisgaar smiled like an idiot as Toki tried to back up but trailed off on an incoherent moan and came in his pants like a teenager.

'Shit.' He sounded embarrassed. 

'Dat was pretties hot,' Skwisgaar murmured into his ear. 'Minds if I jack off to dat?'

'Gives to me a minutes and I'll suck your dick.' Toki mumbled back, still a little out of breath.

'Even betters.'

While waiting for Toki to recuperate, the fronts of Skwisgaar’s pants slowly soaked through, much to his endless satisfaction. This was a step in the right direction, even if it was still playing at actually having proper sex. Toki blushed as he got up and knelt in front of the sofa.

'Sits up,' he prompted, and Skwisgaar made quick work of opening his pants, legs tensing in anticipation.

He was not sure what he had expected, but Toki was a pro. The shy smile he gave Skwisgaar as he knelt between his legs belied the skill with which he set to work. Skwisgaar found himself helplessly moaning as Toki held down his hips to stop him from bucking up into his mouth. The drag of his soft lips and the firm pressure of his tongue were so intense that he could not last.

'Herregud, Toki,' he brought out as he compulsively petted his hair over and over in the same spot. It was good form to warn him, right? 'You gots to- I'ms- Oh gods, don'ts stop!' His inarticulate begging made Toki smile when he pulled off, red and swollen lips glistening.

'I wants to see,' he whispered intently, finishing him with his hand. 'Next times-' He made a pleased little noise as he watched Skwisgaar come, looking between his contorted expression and his pulsing cock with hooded eyes and parted lips.

Shimmying out of his soiled clothes Toki threw him his t-shirt. 'I'm takings a shower. Want to join?'

'I gots to take a fuckings nap. Holy shits, dude. You's real goods at dis.' He said with awe.

'Is my number one survival skill.' Toki joked.

Skwisgaar fell asleep, but not before filing that comment away as decidedly weird.   

 

*******

The pounding on the front door as he finished towelling himself dry was unexpected. Toki called Skwisgaar, but there was no answer. He would not have gone outside and locked himself out, would he? Throwing a towel around his waist he let his hair drip down his back in rivulets as he padded through the hallway. He had to shove the pile of discarded coats and boots aside to crack open the door. A rush of cold air hit him in the face, and he almost didn't recognise Eivind and Ole in their snow-crusted overalls. They were both sporting wide grins among the black hair sticking out under their hats, and Toki noticed that Ole was dragging a sled behind him.

'Hei lille satan, hva skjer?'

Toki shivered in the frost as he opened the door wider. His hair was in serious danger of freezing if he kept standing there. 

'Hei kuktryne, we're coming to check if you're still on for the skiing trip! We're leaving for Kvitfjell tomorrow.' Ole said.

Of course, they had talked about that last week at the movies. It had seemed like a great idea when Skwisgaar was gone.

'Yeah, eh, I've got company again, so let me just check with Skwisgaar. It did sound awesome.'

'He's back? Thought he had to go back to the US for recordings?' Eivind peered around Toki to see if he could catch a glimpse of his idol.

'Long story. You guys want to come in?' His teeth were chattering, which made Eivind laugh.

Toki felt extremely awkward as he stepped aside to let them in. He hoped fervently that Skwisgaar had put his pants back on before taking a nap on the couch. Eivind preceded Ole into the hallway, and the drummer halted in front of Toki to poke at his scar with a gloved hand.

'Whoa,' he said, raising wide eyes to Toki's, but Toki brushed his hand away and ignored it. 

'Could you wait here a second?' He asked, a little uncomfortable.

The living room still smelled faintly of sex, but Toki was relieved to see that Skwisgaar was awake and had clean pants on. He looked up from tuning the Flying V in the same key as the Explorer, a silent question in his eyes as he raised his eyebrows.

'Is this a bad time?' Eivind called, mirth evident in his tone.

'No, it's alright, come on through.' Toki said over his shoulder. 'Make yourselves at home or whatever, I'm going to get dressed.'

Skwisgaar threw him his soiled shirt so he could whisk it out of sight. Bunching it up so the stains weren't visible he pushed past his unexpected visitors to trade his towel for a set of clean clothes in the bedroom. 

'... don'ts thinks we haves been introduced,' Skwisgaar extended a hand towards a star-struck Eivind while Ole launched himself at the couch and put his socked feet up on the coffee table.

Toki surveyed the situation, and deeming it under control he made a detour to the kitchen to make coffee. He had to pull up a chair to join the others in the living room, and curled his cold hands around his steaming mug. Ole and Eivind were ambushing Skwisgaar about coming along to Kvitfjell, which suited Toki just fine.

'Come on, Skwisgaar!' Eivind exclaimed in unaccented English. 'You're a Swede, surely you know how to ski?' 

'I suppose I does.' Skwisgaar admitted grudgingly, levelling a wry smile at Toki.

'I'd really likes to goes,' Toki showcased his best puppy-eyes, 'but I won'ts leave you here if you don'ts feel like it.'

'Huh, I feareds somethings like dis mights come up...' Skwisgaar smirked, 'so I came prepareds. Shores, let's goes.' 

Toki got up halfway to kiss him out of sheer excitement, but sank back on his chair when he realised that they hadn't exactly talked about public displays of affection. Skwisgaar gave him a secretive smile, as if he knew what Toki had been thinking.

'Hei Toki, you want to come see this ramp we just built down the trail?' Ole asked as he threw back his coffee. 'If you hit it right with the sled it makes for an awesome jump. I want to try again, but Eivind said it hurts his butt. Weakling!'

Eivind flipped Ole off without looking while he quizzed Skwisgaar about the benefits of different types of pickups. Skwisgaar waved them away when Toki looked at him inquiringly, and he followed Ole outside, crunching through the snow with the sled trailing behind them.

 

*******

Du ser annerledes ut i dag,' Ole remarked as he kicked up flurries of snow with his boots.

'Really.' Toki said guardedly.

Yeah, a lot better than the last two weeks. I'm not going to lie; we were all kind of worried.'

'About what?' Toki thought he had done his best to try and act normal.

'You know, when we dropped you off after Bergen. I guess the media always paints Skwisgaar as a cold, abusive asshole, so when he showed up and you were in full self-destruct mode...'

'Was it that obvious?'

'Uhm, I had no clue, but Ronke actually turned the car around once to go and check up on you until Jostein said he shouldn't meddle. Ronke said you were pretty badly depressed?' Ole ventured delicately.

'Yeah... My shrink says I have clinical depression and post-traumatic stress disorder.' He shrugged.

It felt strange to use such abstract words to describe what happened to him. Impersonal. 

'Oh, shit, dude.' Ole fell silent as his mind worked overtime. 'Is it too forward to ask what that is like? I don’t want to be rude.'

'It's alright. Eh,' Toki fumbled for a word that would do it justice. 'it makes you feel powerless. I was held captive for a long time, but when I got out, the feelings of helplessness didn't go away. Touring with the band helped structure my life, but once I came here to get away for a while I just... folded in on myself. At some point you just feel too trapped in your own mind to change anything, even your clothes or dumb shit like that. I stopped taking anti-depressants two months ago, and wasn't really handling it at all.'

'Wasn't there anyone to take care of you? Your family?' Ole's wide mouth pulled down at the corners.

'I've been on my own for most of the time.' He did not want to start laying blame in front of Ole.

'Helvete, Toki, you don't deserve to be alone. I wish I'd known sooner.'

'It got better when I met you guys. It helps that you talk to me and send me stuff, and include me when you pal around. It's far from over, but Skwisgaar's doing his best to keep me in line enough to try and get better.'

Ole nodded.

'I'm glad to hear that, because last week things were really awkward between you guys. Fucking hostile.' He pulled a face.

'We... have a lot of issues to work through. I’m angry about a lot of things – I was angry with him, too. I have a pretty unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and that only makes me spiral further down. It's going to take some time.'

'Fy faen, I wish I had something helpful to say.' Ole seemed at a loss what to do with himself.

'You don't need to. This is enough.'

Toki nudged him, and they walked on in comfortable silence. 

'So have you ever been to Kvitfjell?' Ole asked after a while.

'No, I have never been north of Lillehammer except for a concert at Båtsfjord.'

'You'll love it, it's awesome. There's a fuckton of cool pistes. Marius' parents have a chalet there, those privileged fuckers! That's where we're going to stay.' He laughed. 'Satan, I really needed a break from the exams.'

'How did they go?' Toki realised had never taken an exam in his life.

'I think I botched Paleolithic Archaeology of Europe,' Ole winced, 'but the rest was doable. Oh, here we are!' He pointed down the slope to a ramp built out of packed snow.

Footprints and sled tracks had ploughed up the entire slope. It looked pretty steep, but Ole ordered him to get behind him on the sled.

'You're insane!' Toki laughed.

'No, I'm a great fun. Get on the sled, butt slut.' Toki whacked him over the head before getting on.

They didn't even hit the ramp, tumbling through the snow at high speed halfway down the slope, and even though he got Ole's boot in his face it was hilarious. Toki gave Ole a couple of good shoves for speed and accuracy when he tried to scale the ramp by himself, but the only time he went over it was sideways. Toki bent double with laughter as he watched him face plant on the other side.

By the time it grew dark they were completely caked in snow, and they returned to the cabin hungry as hell. Faint light burned in the sitting room where Skwisgaar was showing Eivind something on the Flying V while the other guitarist tried to imitate him on the Explorer when they entered the house.

'What's for dinner?' Ole invited himself, barging into the kitchen. 

Toki enlisted his help seasoning four cuts of fish while he prepared tomatoes and potato wedges.

'This is a step up from beans on toast!' Ole joked. 'I love cooking, but yeah, poor student and all that.'

'Poor son of a bitch.' Toki sympathised. 'Skwisgaar and I got pretty spoiled in Dethklok, though we were just talking about eating rats in survival situations this morning.'

'Gross!'

As they cleaned up the kitchen under the soft hum of the oven Toki listened to Skwisgaar teach Eivind better alternate picking.

'… you wills bes a death metal guitarist yet! Lets me hear it again.' His encouraging voice drifted through the hall.

The playing itself was inaudible from the kitchen, but Toki was more interested in the way Skwisgaar actually seemed to be enjoying himself rather than tearing Eivind apart.

'You knows it! Ja, you's a champion!' He laughed.

Sitting cross-legged on the twin bed opposite Skwisgaar in their cramped room in Mordhaus 1.0, Toki was trying to learn how to sweep pick. Worn out shoes, boots and guitar equipment littered the floor between the beds, and the lopsided blinds in front of the window only blocked part of the Florida afternoon sun. Toki dragged his pick around sloppily with sweaty fingers, but the lead guitarist's smile was patient. Skwisgaar showed him time and again until he got it right. When he finally produced the sound they were looking for from his beaten up Flying V Skwisgaar praised him abundantly, and he had never felt so accomplished in his life. 

'Are you alright?' Ole turned off the streaming tap and spun him around by his shoulder.

'Yeah, I will be.' Toki replied, rubbing his prickling nose with the cuff of his jumper.

Ole placed a hand on his back and rubbed between his shoulder blades, smiling awkwardly. He coughed.

'So, where do you keep your plates?'

 


	15. At the edge of madness

Setting off on the last descent of the day, Skwisgaar wove down the slope, the sun nearly setting behind the mountains. He was beyond done with skiing, but Toki was unstoppable, and so was that drummer kid. Toki and Ole had been in the lift behind him, waddling with the half-undone bindings of their snowboards. Skwisgaar had gotten a nice head start, but it was not long before the sound of gleeful voices approached. An all-black streak narrowly missed Marius as Ole came hurtling down the slope like a maniac. On the other end Toki was gathering speed to do a 180 over a ramp, hair fanning out behind him as he took the leap.

'Minds you fuckings hands, Tokis!' Skwisgaar bellowed after him, heart racing as Toki landed unsteadily.

'What else am I supposed to breaks my falls with?' Toki slowed down a little despite his backtalk.

'How abouts you face?' He laughed, but he was serious; he did want Toki to be careful of his hands. 

Rehabilitation would take ages if he broke something, and that did not coincide very well with Skwisgaar's plan to get him back in the band – not that he had made any progress convincing Toki so far.

'Fucks you, Skwisgaar, I does what I wants!' Toki raised his hand in what might have been a rude gesture without his thick gloves and angled his board to plummet down the mountain the rest of the way.

Somewhere in his snow pants his phone went off, so Skwisgaar veered off to the side of the slope to take the call.

'Skwisgaar, it's Nathan. Where the fuck are you? I can barely hear you over the wind!'

'On somes random-ass mountains in de middles of Norways!' He spoke a little louder for Nathan's benefit.

'And how's that going for you?' Nathan laughed.

'I'm kind of tireds of skiings, but it ams alrights. Whats about you?'

'I just finished recording the vocals, they got nice and brutal. I'll tell Knubbler to send you the tracks ASAP.'

'I woulds likes dat.'

'How much longer are you going to be there? Is Toki coming around yet?'

Skwisgaar pushed down the feelings of urgency.

'Eh, to answers you forst question: as long as it takes. De seconds... not yet. I don'ts want to pressure him. Dere's a lot goings on.'

'What, like skiing?'

That, and talking. And fucking. He had to say something.

'Shuts up.' Oh yeah, that was not suspicious at all.

'Hey, here's an idea. What are you guys doing for New Year's eve?' Nathan asked.

'When ams dat?' He was completely losing track of time again around Toki.

'Wednesday.' Nathan supplied.

Was that in two or three days?

'We's just hangings around I guess?'

Dumb shit like holidays became so insignificant in the face of the things that had passed between them. They had completely ignored Christmas, too.

'Okay, cool, we're coming over, then.'

'Huh, I sees how Toki feel about it, alrights?'

It was not up to Skwisgaar to decide. Toki might not even want to see them.

'Yeah, get back to me on that. See ya, Skwisgaar!'

 

A full-blown war was waging in front of the chalet when Skwisgaar finally caught up to the other four. Toki and Ole had built a barricade out of their snowboards and were pelting Eivind and Marius with snowballs, but as soon as they spotted Skwisgaar their projectiles changed direction. He abandoned his skis to ungracefully hobble to the door under a barrage of snow, but the door was still locked. There was only one thing for it. He waded straight into the melee and tackled Toki, taking him down into the snow.

'Toki,' he crooned into his face, 'don'ts be a dick.'

'Oh but this ams fun!' Toki grinned. 

'I makes it worth you while if you spares me.' He mouthed into his ear.

'Nah, I gets what I wants regardless.' Toki toppled him onto the ground.

Skwisgaar groaned softly as he got up and followed Toki into the house. The two days they had been in Kvitfjell might as well go down as the biggest cock-block in history, and he was getting a little frustrated. Marius' parents' chalet was set up like a family home, and he had gotten one of the twin beds in the room where Marius and his sister normally stayed. Eivind and Ole had claimed the master bedroom and Toki had happily made a bed on the sofa. Skwisgaar was seriously considering sneaking out to the living room tonight to see if he could at least get a hand job or something while the others slept.

The fifty degree temperature of the sauna averted the danger of getting a boner over Toki's sweaty, naked torso in public, but he filed the image away for later use. He saw Toki purposely untie his hair so it would fall over the scars on his back, though some of the subtle white lines extended to his shoulders, and there was no way he could hide the one in his side.

Ole studied them openly as they sat red-faced on the wooden benches, sighing against the heat. Marius and Eivind tried not to stare but failed. It was understandable; Toki was a sight. The combination of his ripped physique and his scars begged a lot of questions if you were unfamiliar with his history.

'Did you get that scar when you were held captive?' Ole asked.

Skwisgaar was surprised that Toki had opened up to him about that.

'Which one?' Toki deflected. He did not seem too keen to divulge.

'The one in your side.' Ole pointed.

'Yeah, they stabbeds me so I woulds come quietlies.'

Toki subconsciously hugged one of his legs to his chest, shielding the scar from sight with his bath towel. He looked to Skwisgaar for support.

'Were you there when it happened?' Marius asked Skwisgaar.

'Ja, I was.'

He was not sure what else to say, but when he noticed everyone staring at him with rapt attention he kept talking. If he did, Toki wouldn't have to.

'I sees it happen from a distance, and I thoughts: dats it, he ams gone. I didn'ts do nothing, couldn’ts do nothing, just stood by like a dumb animals while they takes hims body away.'

Toki listened intently. He had never actually heard this side of the story, because Skwisgaar had kept it all bottled up. He took a deep breath.

'I shoulds have done something, but I was a fuckings cowards. I shoulds have gotten you back whatevers de cost.'

'You gots me out, eventually.' Toki reminded him.

'We waits too long. Dere amen'ts excuse for how we handled it. I shoulds have warneds you about dat guy from de start.'

'Rockso warneds me abouts Magnus.' Toki mumbled, hanging his head. 'But I hangs up on him. I didn'ts want to hears a bad words about him. He was the only one who was there for me.'

'Doesn'ts change anything, Tokis. Don'ts think for one seconds dat you ams to blame for any of dis.'

'Shit, sorry for bringing this up.' Ole looked between them with a guilty expression.

'Don'ts be,' Toki and Skwisgaar said simultaneously.

There was still a lot unsaid about this. It was high time.

 

*******

There was a number of reasons why Skwisgaar was a little apprehensive when the suggestion of going to a bar for drinks came up: Toki's restraint towards alcohol, his own restraint towards Toki when intoxicated, regular douchebag music and fans. He should not have worried about Toki; he was pacing himself admirably while they hung around at a small establishment. Especially in the light of their earlier conversation he was pleased that Toki only had a couple of beers and was no more intoxicated than any of them. Skwisgaar was a little tempted to get their friends black-out drunk so that they would have the opportunity to mess around after they passed out in their beds, but that plan was too risky all around to warrant serious consideration.

It was a little weird when he found himself fending off the advances of several hopeful ladies for the first time in his life. They were appropriately excited to find the two Dethklok guitarists out in public and spared no efforts to invite them to their beds. Somehow Skwisgaar had hoped he would not be recognised so easily in flannel plaid and a ponytail, but since Toki had done nothing to alter his appearance it wasn't much of a stretch, and the news travelled fast.

Toki had always been good at letting the attention slide off him, but Skwisgaar could not help but bask in it despite his current involvement. He was not sure why he did. He had nothing to prove anymore, but surrounded by those twenty-something guys he could not help but feel a hint of satisfaction that he got the most attention. Toki ignored his admirers with something akin to obliviousness, and Skwisgaar actually felt more threatened by how rapidly his friendship with Ole was taking shape than by the three ladies who were lining up to fuck his brains out as soon as he would say the word. One day Skwisgaar would probably have to address the insecurities that lay at the root of his jealousy towards Toki, if this was ever going to work. 

When the time came to head for bed if they wanted to be in any shape to go skiing another day, he extracted himself from the women at his side by shutting them down with a vague excuse. He was not sure how ready he was for the world to know that he was taken, and by extent by whom he was taken. Come to think of it, he should probably talk to Toki about that some time, but it was all still so new. They had not even been messing around for a week and he was already thinking about press conferences? What the hell was wrong with him?

While everyone else crashed within half an hour of returning to the chalet, his sexual frustration kept him up. He did not want to jack off next to a snoring Marius, but going to Toki and possibly wake him or risk getting caught by one of the others was not much of a better plan. After ten more minutes of lying awake, thrumming with need, he threw caution to the wind and snuck out of the room anyway, feeling blindly along the walls to locate the sofa in the living room.

Toki pretended to be asleep when Skwisgaar stroked him through the duvet and straddled him, but his twitching lips betrayed him. Brushing Toki's hair out of his face to where the lengths hung off the side of the couch Skwisgaar bent forward to whisper in his ear.

'I miss you, Tokis... dis ams untenable.' He added for dramatic effect.

Snorting softly, Toki opened his eyes wide in the dark.

'We's been togethers all day, whats more coulds you possibly wants?' He teased.

Extracting Toki's hand from under the blankets he pressed it against his erection. 'You gots to be kiddings me. Paradings you hot bodies in front of me and expectings me to remains unaffected? Jacks me off for a bit.'

With a sharp intake of breath Toki bucked up, holding Skwisgaar in place with a firm grip on his cock. 'Thats will leave a mess.' He protested.

'Ams alright if you wants to suck me off instead,' Skwisgaar smirked as Toki shoved his sweatpants out of the way.

'Just be quiets, I don'ts want to weirds anyone out.' Toki warned as he dragged his fist up and down his length, and Skwisgaar finally got the relief he craved.

Much to his amusement, Toki was the one who was unable to hold back little noises of want as he rocked Skwisgaar's hips in his lap.

Fuelled by the clandestine setting and Toki's iron grip he was ready to go a lot sooner than his practised stamina warranted.

'Toki,' he whispered urgently, 'I's gonna blow.'

Rearranging him on his back Toki took him the rest of the way with his mouth, and Skwisgaar had to throw an arm over his face to muffle his gasps when he came. He sprawled bonelessly as Toki licked him clean, and did not protest when he flipped him onto his stomach and yanked his sweats further down to expose his ass. Toki kept his underwear on between them as he lowered himself onto Skwisgaar's back and fucked into the cleft of his ass.

Biting down on Skwisgaar's deltoid he let out a growl of frustration.

'I can'ts does it here.' He eventually panted into the back of his neck.

There was something about his deviation that Skwisgaar was rapidly developing a kink for, but he tried to talk him through it nonetheless. 

'Dat's tough. Guess you haves to wait until we gets all de way back home before you gets to cum.' He whispered. 'Gives you plenty of times to thinks about how you wants it.'

Toki picked his pace back up.

'On mine ass, or in mine face, in mine m-'

'Oh god-' Toki choked out, stilling with a death grip on Skwisgaar's shoulders.

'Haha, good boy, Toki.'

He grinned as Toki collapsed on top of him with a huff.

He had better get his ass back in bed before anyone noticed. 

 

*******

The looming prospect of having to talk about his possible return to Dethklok freaked Toki out. There was too much time to think as he soared down the mountain with the wind rushing in his face, and he miscalculated the moment he had to jump because he was too distracted. A botched 180 landed him on his ass so hard that he saw stars, and he could not find it in himself to get up immediately. The creaking of snow pants and a spray of snow announced Skwisgaar's presence. Clicking out of the bindings of his skis he sat down next to Toki.

'Ams you alrights?' Skwisgaar grasped his shoulder.

'Yeah, I just fell on my ass real hards.'

'You hands?' Skwisgaar turned them over in his own.

'Nothings wrong with them.' Toki sighed, pulling them back.

Skwisgaar could get really overbearing in that regard.

He shook his head to dispel the dizziness, and Skwisgaar leaned over to press warm lips against his icy cheeks.

'Listens, Tokis, I forgots to tells you… Nathans call me de other day - de band wants to come over for New Year's eves. To sees you.'

'Huh.' That thought made him feel unreasonably nervous. 'They wants to come to Norway to sees Toki?'

'Woulds you be up for dat? Maybe it ams a goods opportunity to talks seriouslies abouts what it woulds take to gets you back in de band.'

'I honestlies don'ts know Skwisgaar. I still gots a lot of angers abouts de past year, and I don'ts knows if I can keeps a lid on it.'  

'Perhaps we should talk about dat forst, den.' Skwisgaar suggested.

'That kind of scares me. This whole thing scares me.' Toki admitted.

'Whats do you fears de most? Hm?' Skwisgaar prompted.

'For histories to repeats itself.' He decided after some consideration.

'Whats, you means like us all beings dicks to you agains afters a while? That won'ts happens. Dere's no tornings back from dis - from whats we haves now. You feels it too, right?'

Skwisgaar's eyes searched his.

'Well, I does. But-'

It was hard to say, because what were the odds, really? Still, ever since Skwisgaar admitted they were all willing to terminate Alessandro's contract it had been plaguing his thoughts.

'Tells me, Tokis.'

'Whats if that new guy goes all... you know... Magnus on me if you kicks him out?' He whispered.

'You ams afraids Alessandrs will tries to kill you if you take back you rightsful place?' Skwisgaar gave him an incredulous look.

'No. I's afraids he won'ts kills me, but lets me rots in a dungeon for months, where I can'ts even kills myself.' He hissed. 'Don'ts look at me like I'm crazy, because it won'ts be the first time, or the seconds, dat someones got that idea. Apparently, a lots of peoples think Toki belongs in a punishments hole!'

He was distantly aware that he was beginning to sound hysterical.

Skwisgaar reached out to him but stayed his hand, and considered his words long and hard.

'If I thoughts it woulds helps you feels better abouts retorning to Dethklok, I swears I woulds porsonally hangs dat guy by hims guitarstrings. But-' He hesitated. 'I don'ts think Alessandrs am de real problems here.'

'What the fucks is that supposed to mean?'

Skwisgaar winced at his raised voice.

'I's not sayings dat you fear ams unsfounded.' He said. 'Just dat not everyone am like you dads and Magnus. Maybes it woulds be betters to finds a way for you to be ables to trust in dat than to continues de cycles of violence.'

Skwisgaar had a point of course, but it was not enough to dispel the cold fear that seeped into his heart as surely as the cold of the snow seeped into his legs as they sat.

'Whatevers you picks... I gots you back, alrights?' Skwisgaar offered. 'I guess it ams selfish to wants to has you at my sides all de times.'

'Yeah, comings back only because I wants to be with you amen'ts a good ideas. If we gots sick of each other everythings woulds fall apart all over.'

Toki did not want to believe they ever would, but the dreamer in him was dead and gone.

'Fucks this mess.'

'Ja, it ams messy indeeds. But I promised to cleans up de mess I mades by replacing you, and I will holds de others to dat, too. I believes we cans makes it work, if we just talks.'

Toki watched him and was struck by the thought that he had never thought of Skwisgaar as a strong person before, but he did now. He was the rock on which he could rebuild the foundations of his trust, if he dared. Squaring his shoulders, he decided that if he was going to tackle his issues he would do it with Skwisgaar's help, and hopefully emerge stronger for it himself.

'Let them come over. If you gots my back I feels like I can takes on a lot more than alone. Somewhere I always hoped we coulds be like this.' Toki admitted.

'Took me a whiles to gets with de program.'

'But you dids, you came through for me. You saveds me more than once.'

'Fuck, Toki, I wasted so much times.'

'Now is goods enough. Can I kiss you here?'

'Please,' Skwisgaar murmured, tilting his head towards him.

They kissed unhurriedly in spite of the lost time, or maybe because of it.

A snowball hit Toki on the back of the head.

'Let's get off the mountain, guys, it's going to snow.' Eivind said, ski poles dangling from his wrists. He refrained completely from commenting on how he found them.

Leaning on each other as they fastened their bindings, they managed to strap in without falling over. Eivind went on to round up the others, and Skwisgaar held Toki back for another kiss.

'I hates to says dis,' he said with a smile, 'but I thinks you finallies gots some friends you deserves.'

 

*******

Squashed between two pairs of skis and the car door, Toki slung his arm around the back rest to accommodate Skwisgaar's drooping head. Completely worn out from three days of skiing, he had fallen asleep against Toki's shoulder as soon as they entered the motorway out of Kvitfjell.

'I'll have what you're having,' Eivind said, looking back from the passenger seat.

'What, the stench of sweaty Swede?' Toki replied.

'Lots of butt sex?' Ole cut in from behind the wheel.

'Forget it.' Eivind shook his head.

'He's never had a girlfriend,' Marius mouthed next to Toki.

'I'm not sure if this even counts since we hooked up a week ago, but Skwisgaar's kind of my first 'relationship', so I can't really tell you how to land one.' He smiled.

'This must be weird. How long have you guys even known each other?' Ole asked.

The strap of his Flying V stuck hotly to his chest as he hurried to the location of the audition. He had woken up way too late on a park bench after looking for work all night and endlessly practicing afterwards until he accidentally fell asleep.

Clients had been hard to come by the last week, but at least he had some food in his stomach today. It occurred to him that he should have looked for the building when he had the time. He had gotten lost, and the hands on the church clock on the other side of the street said he was awfully late.

It was a desperate quest, but he could not stop now. He knew that realistically he did not stand a chance. He was a dreadful sight with his worn-out clothes and sweaty shirt, and his competition would probably have both superior gear and skills, but he could not give up on his only dream after the way he had debased himself to get here. He refused to accept that he had made those sacrifices for nothing.

The band was already putting away their gear when he arrived. They looked intimidating; years older than him, tough, grim. It would take some convincing to get them to give him a chance, but he was no stranger to begging. Three heads swivelled around when he entered the building and introduced himself in halting English.

Unimpressed faces stared him down as they blocked his way towards the man who was seated on top of a pile of black cases. Was that their guitarist? Entranced, Toki moved past the others. He was not sure what he said, something wild about destiny, but it caught the attention of the haughty man, and they assessed each other.

Toki had never seen anyone like him, with his cascading, pale hair and his white clothes, but if he had still believed in God he might have taken him for an angel of the Lord come to raise him from perdition.

It might serve him well to treat him as such. He knelt.

It was interesting how turning tricks had improved his judge of character dramatically, and he used his newfound skill to his advantage as the guitarist humoured him by picking up his shiny instrument again.

This man wanted to be worshipped, but he had an underlying need to be supported, to be taken care of.

If it was support he needed, that was what Toki would give him.

He had to move quickly to get his guitar out of its case, because the guitarist started playing without waiting on him. There was a challenge in his eyes, but also something indulgent. Toki let his music flow through him and started filling in the gaps, grounding him where needed, pushing him higher to rise beyond. He could do this, responding to the calls of his guitar, following behind him in places, paving the way for him in others. The guitarist flowed into a Bach variation, and it was ridiculously easy. Toki played the continuo lines underneath the melody without having to think about it.

Facing each other down in close harmony was intense, overwhelming; he did not know how long he could keep matching him note for note. The guitarist in white held his ground and gave no quarter, and Toki began to falter under his scrutiny. Had he assessed the situation right? Could this possibly be what they were looking for? Was he deluding himself into thinking that this was going well? He stumbled and fell silent.

The other members of Dethklok, who had been looking on up until this point, let him down gently.

'You did well, kid, but you blew the last part.'

'It's time for you to go.'

Why had he started second-guessing himself? He had become so nervous that he had cocked it up. He could have done it if he would have been more focused. And now he had really hit rock bottom; no home, no prospects, not even his dream. Should he try to go back to Norway? At least they had social security there. There was nothing for him here except unsuccessfully prostituting himself until he finally starved. But what if the system reunited him with his parents?

Toki walked outside with unseeing eyes, but the strange lilt of the guitarist’s accent made him turn around.      

'Befores you leaves... you must understand that nobody has ever mades me play dis wells.' He said pensively.

Toki let the backhanded compliment slide off him. What good did that do him?

'I wants you in dis band.'

The guitarist opening his arms was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen in his life.

Looking upon the welcoming smile of the man in white, new hope lit his being like a beacon.

He had been redeemed.

'Toki?'

'Yeah, uhm, we met when I auditioned for Dethklok and Skwisgaar decided to hire me. That was twelve years ago. Still by far the best day of my life.'

Skwisgaar thought he was worth saving. 


	16. The darkness has become part of me

Nathan had done quite a good job of filling in the vocals for the demo, leaving Skwisgaar fairly pleased with the end result when he stopped the media player on Toki's laptop. It could be better in places, but allowing Nathan to lay down his own style ensured that the tracks could at least be recognised and classified as Dethklok.

Be that as it may, he could not get the clean vocals that he had envisioned for the song out of his mind. They had been heavily inspired by the way Toki had made him feel during that terrible first week, the same as the music he had composed. Singing it aloud for him had been a mistake, because even though it was extremely personal it had felt right for the music. This music _was_ personal. Perhaps by the time the album recordings rolled around he would decide what to do about that.

'How does you likes it now, Toki?' He asked, unsure what Toki would make of it.

'It ams amazing! Wells and truly a masterspiece.' Toki was never stingy with his enthusiasm, and that made him feel a little more certain about it.

'Just waits till we haves an entire albums of dis.' He nudged Toki with his elbow.

Toki's fingers were obviously itching to play after their three-day abstinence. His guitar not fitting in the car with the skis and other crap had almost made Skwisgaar reconsider going at all, but he was glad he had, for all the moments he would have missed otherwise. 

When they had come home last night Skwisgaar had already picked up his guitar, but Toki had wanted to go straight to sleep after dumping their clothes in the laundry. Reaching behind the couch, he pulled the Flying V up first, handing it to Toki.

'Let's plays. I knows you want to.' He smiled. 'You didn'ts gets an amp for nothings.'

Toki checked the drop C tuning of the Flying V by ear, fiddling only a little with the low C. Skwisgaar expected him to want to play the more upbeat song, but Toki launched into the heavy riffs of the song the Norwegian winter had inspired him two write. What had he said about it when Skwisgaar had first showed it to him? Something about feeling it in his soul.

'This ams the rhythms line, right?' Toki guessed while playing.

Skwisgaar nodded, and listened with his eyes closed until it was time to bring in the subtle harmonies. Tilting his head sideways, Toki searched for eye contact so they could time the pulsing, irregular rhythm that came after. Eventually he trailed off, unsure what followed since he had only heard the song twice.

'Feel goods? It sounds goods to me.' Skwisgaar asked.

There was a lot riding on this. He wanted to show Toki that he could let go of the belittling and abuse that had become standard whenever Toki picked up a guitar in his presence. He was painfully aware of how he had wronged Toki in the past, and he could not imagine why he had ever let it come that far, now. He had been stuck confirming his superiority at every opportunity, and why? Ragging on Toki never gave him any real satisfaction.

'Yeah, I admits it does feels good. I miss the bass though, and the drums.' It was wistful. 

'Can'ts waits till we can all plays dis together either.' Skwisgaar smiled at him.

Toki probably missed the rest of Dethklok even if he did not talk about it. He had always been so happy with anything they were willing to give him in the way of friendship or attention, and duly disappointed when they excluded him or forgot about him.

For him to have taken the step to sever all ties must have come from a deep resentment indeed. Would Toki be able to let go of that and give the others a second chance like he had given Skwisgaar? He liked to think that he and Toki had always had something that went beyond the band dynamics, but that was not helpful in this case.

Toki chewed his lip thoughtfully, and Skwisgaar knew this was not the time to start about Dethklok again. The rest of the band would arrive in Lillehammer tonight, and there would be plenty of time to talk then. He just needed to warm Toki to the idea a bit more by tempting him with good music.

'De next part ams easy, looks. You just sort of strum, very casuals, very cleans, until de drum kicks in, and you goes dun-dun dun-dun dun-'

Toki emulated him, concentrating hard. His signature raw sound that Skwisgaar used to bash as sloppy was actually very well suited to this song. He would have to mind that Toki did not polish that away upon getting to know the music better, thinking that Skwisgaar preferred it that way. The truth was that Skwisgaar had a hard time reproducing it because his technique was too scholarly.

'Dat's exactlies whats I wants to hears, Tokis. Holds dat technique for dis song. Ja, and when Nathans stop singings you does dis... and dan a squeals.' He echoed the riff and squeal in the lead register. 'Here come de goods part - de prechorus ams close harmony, so I does the melodies here, and you does it startings on dat fret-'

He had missed this so much; making music together because they wanted to, seeing Toki's hair swing with his excited movements from the corner of his eye. Inherently enjoying music as a goal in itself had not occurred to Skwisgaar in a long time. It had always been to showcase his skill or make money and reap all the benefits that flowed from those two aspects.

Toki had been right all along. Music, at its core, was about connecting people to each other. It connected the musicians to one another, but also to the listener on a level that was not just meant to get them into your bed. This whole journey had not only served for Skwisgaar to help Toki come back to himself, but also for him to rediscover the meaning of the music he made. Getting Toki into his bed was a nice extra, though.

Toki looked at him expectantly when he could not keep his distracted smile to himself by the time they got to the end of the song.

'Whats?'

'You haves no ideas how much I missed dis. When I playeds with Alessandrs after you left, I used to thinks it was like I gots a prosthetic to covers up a missing limb.' He confessed.

'That's a brutals way to put it, but I think you're being a little dramatic. Or tryings to gets into my pants.' He squinted, cocking his head. 'Perhaps both.'

'Not right dis seconds. It's almost times to leave. We's meetings de band for dinners at their hotels.'

'Ams it weirds that I's nervous about it?' Toki did look a little peaky upon closer inspection.

Mindful of their guitars, Skwisgaar pulled Toki close to kiss him on his forehead.

'No shames in it. You'll be fines.' 

 

*******

To say Toki was conflicted about seeing his bandmates again for the first time after all the shit he went through on his own was putting it mildly. Having come to a better understanding with Skwisgaar was a step in the right direction, but he had not really addressed the feelings of anger and abandonment that pertained to his other bandmates. Nothing about that had changed since he left for Norway.

He wanted to try and make this work to at least get some line of communication up again with the people who had been his only family for years, but it was sure to stir up some issues. However, it was obviously important to Skwisgaar that he came back, and he was putting in so much effort to see that it succeeded that Toki owed it to him to at least keep an open mind about it.

Rationally, he knew that it was not any of their faults that he was as fucked up as he was, but he did resent them for not caring whether he lived or died for a long time, still. The entire year after they got off their asses at last to rescue him it had been all about how they could exploit him and his experiences. He had no idea how to channel the anger in a way that would eventually enable him to agree to reconciliation, but he felt like he could try now that he had Skwisgaar's support.

A touch to his thigh under the table as they sat down served as a lightning conductor for his tightly coiled temper for the moment. He wondered how Skwisgaar would balance his roles as go-between, band member in his own right and Toki's lover in a situation like this.

At first glance Skwisgaar seemed confident and relaxed, and Toki drew strength from him to keep the informal meeting friendly. There were a great many things he wanted to say to his bandmates as he forced himself to smile at them over the table, but it could wait a while in favour of testing the waters.

Their greeting upon arrival had been cautious, somewhere between curious and strained on both sides. Skwisgaar struck up a table-wide conversation about the demo while they ordered a round of drinks. It was interesting to see the others look to him, and not Nathan, as the authority on this particular record.

Books about polar expeditions and extreme mountaineering had been the source of Nathan's inspiration for the lyrics, and he regaled them with some of the more gruesome stories about frostbitten limbs and tumbling down dangerous crevasses through snow blindness. Toki listened with interest. Half suspecting he knew what had inspired Skwisgaar to write these songs, it was fascinating to see what messages Nathan thought went with them.

Skwisgaar leaned in close halfway through a story about a guy shooting himself up with adrenaline to stay alive after he had broken a lot of bones falling into a glacier.

'Look who ams here, Tokis,' he murmured, nodding towards the door.

Absently handing his coat over to the hotel staff while he made his way over was Charles. Toki pushed his chair back and jumped up in surprise, joy flooding him as Charles approached him with his demure smile and open arms. He flung himself at his manager, only realising how much he had missed his steadying presence over the last month when he saw his face again. The hand on his back gave him a tight squeeze.

'Hi Toki. How have you been?' Charles held him at an arm's length to study him.

'I'm real glads to sees you, Charles.' Something tight between his shoulder blades eased now that he was here with them. 'I've had a pretty goods week. How are you?' He pulled out the chair on his left.

'I'm happy I could make it here in time. Hello Skwisgaar.'

Skwisgaar had gotten up to greet him, too. Charles clasped his offered hand and shook it firmly, patting his upper arm with the other hand.

'You both look a great deal better than when I last saw you,' he remarked. 'How's Norway treating you?'

'Well enough, I'd schay,' Murderface spoke up. 'Toki wasch telling me they juscht got back from a fucking schkiing trip.'

'Really? That sounds terrific.' Charles addressed Toki with a genuine smile.

A waitress came in with drinks, and they took their seats to order. Charles was the only one who was dressed appropriately for the type of establishment Nathan and Skwisgaar had chosen, as usual, his quality suit starkly contrasting their casual garb. The band wore an assortment of combat boots, jeans and t-shirts and sneakers. Toki had nabbed one of Skwisgaar's plaid button down shirts because it smelled nice, and Skwisgaar had favoured one of Toki's blue knits with an ice crystal pattern for the -20 weather.

'Jesus Christ, I've never seen you guys look so fucking foreign before.' Nathan commented as Toki took a long draught of his beer.

'What ams dat supposed to mean?' Skwisgaar asked, raising a single eyebrow.

'Fucking European. And kind of gay.'

Toki subtly choked on a mouthful of beer, only just preventing it from shooting up his nose. Charles patted him on the back.

'No Nath'n, the trope is 'is it European or gay?'.' Pickles laughed. 'Ye have to pick one.'

Skwisgaar gave a bored sneer at the unfolding conversation about whether it couldn't be both, and struck up a dialogue with Charles over Toki's head. Trying very hard not to think about Skwisgaar's dick in his mouth or rubbing one out against Skwisgaar's pale ass in a dark chalet Toki listened in with more concentration than the subject of Crystal Mountain Records warranted.    

Dining with his bandmates felt familiar and almost comfortable as they worked their way through five courses and litres of alcohol. Toki laid off after three beers since he had to drive himself and Skwisgaar home later tonight, which turned out to be a double edged blade when Murderface began probing callously about the reason they were here.

'Scho Toki, we're all here becausche we want you back in the band, why are you playing hard to get? What'sch the big deal, huh?' Murderface slurred over coffee.

Toki was not drunk enough to let that remark slide and not sober enough not to start flipping tables. Rising out of his chair halfway to drag Murderface across the table he felt long fingers clasp his right wrist and tug him back in his chair.

'Funny you shoulds use that word,' he hissed as he sat down hard. 'It ams a big deals to me because my relationships with you guys ams a big deals to me, but apparently not the other ways around!'

'Oh come on, you can't blame usch for the fact that you're kind of an attenschion whore-'

'Moidaface!' Skwisgaar cut him off with a low wolf-like bark.

'You better stop there, because Toki looks like he's going to fuck you up.' Nathan grinned, raising a ridiculously small espresso cup to his mouth with a huge hand.

'Yeuh, we'd appreciate it if you didn't feck this up before we even get talkin'. Pickles warned with a frown.

Heart pounding in his throat and anger churning in his gut, the only thing that kept him in his chair was respect for the fingers that were gripping his arm. He could not get out of Skwisgaar's hold unless he was willing to hurt him, so he did not try.

'Boys, would it be a good idea if I, ah, got us a conference room here so we can talk about this tomorrow when you're all, ah, sober?' Charles suggested reasonably.

'Please, dats woulds be best, I think.' Skwisgaar agreed, rubbing his thumb across the back of Toki's hand in an effort to calm him down.

Toki was seething, chomping at the bit for a chance to let out his rage in a good fist fight - not that Murderface would even pose a challenge. Getting up, Skwisgaar jerked his head at Toki.

'Come on, Tokis. We sees dese guys again tomorrows.'

'Ain't you guys stayin' fer the New Years party over here?' Pickles asked, a little disappointed.

'Don'ts think so, Pickle.' Skwisgaar shook his head. 'Haves a goods evenings, dudes.' 

Toki followed Skwisgaar out of the room, still breathing heavily through his nose. Skwisgaar tugged him into the classy, dark tiled men's room, backing him up to the wall and kissing him with unprecedented fervour. Pulling his lanky body against his own as tightly as possible, Toki reversed their positions, pinning him and nudging his legs apart. Skwisgaar's belt buckle as well as his hard on pressed uncomfortably into his stomach, so he let up a bit.

'Fuck, you's hot when you all aggressive. Let's goes home,' Skwisgaar breathed against his mouth.

'And does whats?'

He had a fleeting thought that he should perhaps loosen his grip on Skwisgaar's waist, but he didn't.

'What do you thinks? Fuck you rage away.'

'I don'ts thinks pillow bitings am going to makes me feel a lot betters.' Toki said.

'Whats if I does de honours dis time, huh?'

It was barely visible in the low light, but he could have sworn Skwisgaar blushed.

Toki looked at him sharply. Despite his earlier allusion to it, he had not considered it a possibility.

'You amen'ts ready for that.' He tried to curb his own enthusiasm as well as Skwisgaar's.

'I ams. Am you?'

Was that a challenge?

'You're on, let's goes.'

 

*******

By the time they tumbled through the door of the cabin, Skwisgaar felt like he could choke on the heavy tension that permeated the air. Toki's anger rolled off him in waves like a heady scent. Squashed between the wall and Toki's solid frame he was light-headed with arousal as well as alcohol. Toki hooked one of Skwisgaar's legs over his hip, unbalancing him as he ground his cock against him, forcing him to trust the strong arms that were holding him up. He did trust in him - he knew that Toki could carry him with ease - and wrapped his arms around Toki's neck lightly as his mouth yielded to Toki's insistence. 

He let himself be dragged to the bedroom by his belt; nerves wound tight and cock twitching for Toki's touch. Winding his hands into Skwisgaar's hair, Toki forced his head backwards to mouth at his neck in a gesture that was singularly designed to display his dominance. Skwisgaar gladly went with it. If this was Toki's true nature - what lay beneath the repression and passivity - he could not be happier to get a glimpse of it tonight.

'Gets naked.' Toki said tersely - it was as good as a command.

The thought that he had possibly gotten in over his head flashed through his mind when he leaned back on his elbows and spread his legs to allow Toki to kneel between them. The way he loomed and his dark gaze slid down Skwisgaar's body did not reassure him in the slightest. Apart from the odd fingering during a blowjob he did not have any real experience with anal sex. The quiet snick of the lube being uncapped made his cock throb violently on his stomach, aching for the wet slide, for some reprieve of the tight burn of neglect.

'That looks kinds of urgent.' Toki said sympathetically. 'Plays with yourself while I prep you.'

Relief washed over him and he held out his hand for some lube. Applying the cold jelly in a thick layer across the head of his cock, he petted it slowly, arching into the pleasure of his own touch. Toki stared at him feverishly, watching with open mouth as Skwisgaar worked his way down, sliding his fist along the shaft in long strokes. He was barely distracted by Toki breaching him; it was familiar enough a feeling. The gentle slide of one finger was fine; it did not overpower his own touch. A second finger entered him after a moment, accompanied by a soft moan from Toki and the sudden bite of teeth on his inner thigh. 

'I's almost gettings jealous,' Toki smiled, stroking his own cock with restraint.

'You shoulds be.' Skwisgaar replied teasingly, altering the rhythm of his strokes to avoid the danger of coming on the spot.    

Taking the third finger was stretching it, literally. It burned uncomfortably enough to diminish his arousal. Glancing at the thickness of the digits that were resting on his thigh he noticed that three fingers combined was not even close to what Toki was packing between his legs. He tried to slow his nervous breathing. This was going to be pillow biting indeed.

'Skwisgaar,' Toki said suddenly. 'You ams in no way ready for this. I feels you clenching, this hurts you already.'

'Just does it, I'll be fines.' He protested.

The stubborn need to see and feel what it was like when Toki took him overrode the fear of pain, and he was just intoxicated enough to brave the prospect.

'It woulds tears you ass in two. I won'ts does it tonights.' Toki decided.

Skwisgaar let out a helpless groan, half-relieved, half-ashamed that he could not make good on his teasing.

'You don'ts gots to proves anythings to me, _elskede_.' Toki said as he balanced on his knees when he took his free hand to stroke himself again. 'You ams brave to offers it, but also a bit dumb to press the matter. I don'ts know if I coulds control myself once I has you pinned.'

The idea of Toki losing it while he fucked him was just so goddamn arousing, and paired with the fingers pushing into him not that hard to imagine.

Toki curled his fingers deep inside him as he came hard onto his own chest, making him spasm around his hand. He supplanted Skwisgaar's breathless silence with a noise of satisfaction.

As Toki pulled his fingers back and wiped his hand on a towel Skwisgaar could not help but breathe a sigh of relief. That had been way more intense than he had bargained for, and they had not even fucked.

Opening his eyes after a while he noticed that Toki had migrated to the other end of the bed, watching him with a sappy expression that was totally not metal as he sat against the headboard. Skwisgaar had not seen that face for a long time, and he was glad that Toki had not lost it completely.

'What ams you lookings at?' He narrowed his eyes playfully.

'How goods you look covereds in cum. It amen'ts really helpings my boner go away, but yeah.'

Toki gave him a wry shrug.

Wiping down his front with the towel, Skwisgaar wondered if he would be doing Toki any favours if he offered to suck him off. Perhaps he should just try it and see what would happen. He rolled onto his stomach and flipped his hair over one shoulder, crawling up between Toki's pulled up legs until he was face to face with his flushed and swollen cock.

'I knows dis probably amen'ts goings to be very goods, but coulds I just plays with it fors a while?' He asked, angling the stiff length towards his mouth.

Toki made a tormented sound and his cock pulsed heavily in his hand, releasing a clear dribble of precum. Skwisgaar watched it trickle down onto his thumb with fascination before opening wide and trying to shove as much of Toki's length in his mouth as possible.

A hand on the back of his head eventually forced him to stop messing around by aimlessly running his tongue over every inch of skin and find a good rhythm. Toki was quiet save for his laboured breathing, but the salty tang of a new trickle of precum left him hopeful that he was doing something right.

'Enough, Skwis, please.' Toki whispered sooner than he expected. 'Can'ts takes no more, sorry.'

Toki ran the shower for a while and came back cold and shivering.

'I'ms sorry,' he murmured into Toki's hair as they fitted their bodies together under the covers. It would have been nice if he could have made Toki unwind before the undoubtedly painful meeting tomorrow.

'Shuts up. I liked it when you didn'ts make a big deal of it.'

It was beginning to feel like a big deal, but Skwisgaar could refrain from commenting on it, he supposed.

'Okay.' He assented, falling asleep again effortlessly with his nose in the nape of Toki's neck.

 

 


	17. Face of the weeping night

The screen on Toki's phone flared bright as the device started buzzing on the nightstand. Unplugging it from the charger, Toki rolled out of bed to take the call in the hallway so he could let him sleep undisturbed, but Skwisgaar was already awake. Aided by drugs and booze, Skwisgaar was normally a deep sleeper, but the recently developed instinct to catch Toki before he did something stupid in the dead of night had him on guard. He listened in; telling himself it was to gauge the mood of the conversation.

'Abigails? Hei! You too, but it probably amen'ts that time where you are yet?'

Toki's voice was soft, but he sounded excited. Of course, Abigail called to wish him a happy new year. Perhaps this was an innocent social call after all. He should go back to sleep.

Was this a thing Toki liked? Skwisgaar did not observe the hollow festivities of the holidays. Without a family or significant other to celebrate with, there was nothing to discriminate them from other binges and orgies. Should he start paying attention to this sort of occasion in the future?

'How's you doings?' It was silent for a minute while Toki listened. ‘Thats sound lovely! Anythings special you's lookings forward to?' Approving sounds followed. Toki was a pretty attentive conversational partner when he was not subjecting people to batshit crazy topics.

'Eh, Skwisgaar and I actually wents home earlies before de beatings starteds. No, _I_ wanteds to beat the living shits out of Moidaface. He was beings a total dickhead over dinners.'

Calling Toki an attention-whore had been completely uncalled for. If it had not been in Skwisgaar's best interest to keep the peace he would have gladly thrown some punches himself.

'...yeah? Toki's voice grew guarded. 'Eh, we's on a lot betters terms these days. He's been stayings here for a while. Beens a real good pals.'

Skwisgaar raised his head from the pillow. They were talking about him, weren't they? If they were just gossiping he should certainly not be listening, but he was too curious.

'I haves no idea whats you're implying.' Now Toki sounded flat and hesitant, but as Abigail talked, he eventually let out something akin to a giggle. 'Hush, I don'ts know if I can tells anyone! And you shouldn'ts either, but yeah. Whats do you mean, 'finally'? You're jokings. A bet?'

That giggle again, and god, it was infectious. Skwisgaar felt a dumb grin spread on his face as he rolled onto his back so both his ears were free to eavesdrop. 

'It's a reals weird story. He cames here because he thoughts I was goings to kill myself - no, of course I wasn't, woulds has done it a lot sooner if I was - yeah, and then we hads a lots of fights and talks about all kinds of shit and gots really close, I guess. And after he leaves for recordings he comes back tellings me he dids all that stuff for me and it sort of... happens?' Toki laughed. 'He kisses me so I puncheds him in the face and slepts with him. What? No, you won'ts believe how goods he ams to me.'

Skwisgaar could have sworn he could hear Abigail's laughter from where he lay. He could not blame her - it was a weird story. If anyone would have told him a month ago he would be boning Toki on a regular basis he would have had them assassinated on principle, mainly because the self-realisation he had gone through since was so unbelievable. Despite what Toki seemed to think, he found that he did not mind people knowing at all. Not everyone was going to be as cool about it as Toki’s friends, of course, but fuck that.

'Not reallies. Moidaface saids somethings that pissed me off. Yeah, we's goings to talks about some stuffs tomorrow. They wants me to comes back, but I amen'ts so sures if I shoulds.'

Toki agreed with something Abigail pointed out.

'Yeah, they lets me down one times too many. Withouts the whole abduction thing I coulds have stucks it out, but I needs more from my friends now, or I just needs better friends.'

Despite the fact that he knew Toki was not necessarily talking about him, Skwisgaar felt sick with guilt at his words. He was not impartial to any of that no matter how hard he tried to make up for his actions. The shame would likely never go away. If he remembered how long the oppressive guilt and shame of his less than heroic episodes a lifetime ago followed him around he was looking at a twenty-five to life sentence.

'...more like asks them what they think am goings to be different, cause I gots plenty of other prospects. I've been gettings a lot of cool offers for works. Mades friends here whats includes me from the starts and whats listens to mine bullshit. I'll tells you, between gettings home and leavings for Norway none of them ever asked if I was okay. Yeah, more than a year. Don'ts gets me wrong, I woulds love it if it worked out, but I don'ts gots a whole lots of faith.'

There had been a time when Toki could get behind any plan, no matter how dumb, and have faith that it would work out. Even during his captivity he had managed to hold on to a shred of hope that everything would be alright in the end, if his relieved but unsurprised reaction to being rescued was any clue. The real blow to his unwavering belief had come after. Skwisgaar could still pinpoint the exact moment they had shattered him, though he had tried to forget that day before it was even over.

Toki was watching TV alone in the living room when Skwisgaar, Murderface, Pickles and Nathan walked in after a late breakfast. At first it had seemed that The Dethklok Minute was on because of the news anchor, but he had apparently been invited to talk about Dethklok on a more reputable news channel. There was an extensive bulletin airing due to the press release that Offdensen had apparently sent out.

Grainy footage of their last show played, focusing on the fucked up hologram of Toki and then on the fans with 'Where's Toki' banners leaving the venue en masse. Nathan shouted at their retreating backs: 'People of the world, I want you to know - Toki, we're coming to save you!'

Nathan and Pickles exchanged a tense glance. Then the news anchor spoke again.

'This footage was shot at Dethklok's show a week ago. A technical malfunction revealed that despite the bands insistence that he was okay, Toki Wartooth was not playing that evening. Upon Toki's loyal fans leaving the show frontman Nathan Explosion revealed that Toki was in need of rescue from an unknown peril. It looks like there's nothing the band can't do when once set their mind to it, since CFO Charles Offdensen stated today that Toki Wartooth and producer Abigail Remeltindrinc have indeed been recovered from the hands of their captor Magnus Hammersmith in a rescue mission that ended in the death of Hammersmith and his associates. It begs the question what the band had been up to previously, because the rumours of Toki's disappearance date back all the way to the funeral of Crystal Mountain Records label head Roy Cornickleson. Footage from the band's most recent adventures might shed some light on that particular mystery!' The overly cheerful douche chirped as clips of the band in various stages of intoxication began playing.

Skwisgaar did not recognise most of the locations, though the evidence placed him at the scenes.

 'Don'ts worries abouts where Toki ams, sweethearts, I'ms here, so dat shoulds be enough.' He heard himself slur into a microphone when asked about Toki's whereabouts by a hot reporter.

Tearing his eyes away from the train wreck on the TV he saw Toki's bony shoulders slump. He should never have had to see that. Skwisgaar should never have said that. God, he had so many regrets about that day.

Murderface snapped 'No comment, dickface' while nursing a pint of beer in the next clip, and Nathan laughed another interviewer off in the on that followed.

Toki slowly spun around in his seat to face them, still stiff with bruised limbs and weak muscles, and it was too late to slink away.

'Interestings motivation you hads to come gets us.'

There was a time bomb ticking underneath his cold, dead tone, and it was going to go off regardless of what they said.

'Toki,' Nathan began, 'we came to get you because you're our-'

'Calls me your brothers one more times, I dare you, you MOTHERFUCKERS!' Toki exploded.

They collectively took a step back as he got up on unsteady legs with a coltish wobble that would have been comical in any other circumstance. He glared at each of them in turn, but skipped over Skwisgaar as if he was beneath his notice.

'We all knows what ams goings on here.'

He did not have the strength to carry his anger over to the next sentence, and it transformed into naked hurt on his face.

'My beings gone was apparently affectings de sales more than it affecteds you jerks. It wasn't worth the troubles to come gets Toki until the fans boycotteds you. Well, thank fuck thats mine fans at least measure mine worth in more than moneys.'

His voice broke on the word 'worth', and when he turned his face away silent tears leaked out from underneath his closed eyelids.

'Aw, Toki,' Pickles tried uselessly, but none of them dared to approach him for fear he would lash out. Realistically, he was in no shape to hurt any of them, and they were merely cowering behind that excuse.

Toki stood rooted in the middle of the room, shaking with disconsolate sobs while they watched him. Charles roughly pushed past Skwisgaar and Murderface to take Toki away with a gentle hand on his back. Out of earshot, Charles mumbled something to Toki that made him wail like a lost child and stop in his tracks. Skwisgaar watched, appalled, as Toki sat down on the floor in defeat, and Charles squatted by his side. Nathan, Pickles and Murderface averted their gazes and trudged towards the couch. Lingering until Charles scooped Toki up, Skwisgaar did not even dare to look at the others as he sank down onto the sofa and Pickles changed the channel. They would all forget that they had witnessed this and never speak of it again.

Guilt lay thick across the memory of that day - and the ones that followed - like a spreading oil stain. It would never wash off. He could only try to make sure something like this never happened again.

'Thanks you, Abigails. Thanks for callings, you mades me feels a lot better abouts this. I wills. Hope you haves a greats evenings.'

Toki ending the call made Skwisgaar acutely aware that the arm he had slung over his eyes to ward off the shame was growing damp. He held his breath and tried to monitor it when Toki re-entered the bedroom, but one irregular sigh was all it took for him to notice when he slid his legs underneath the covers.

'Skwisgaar?'

He was unable to reply with anything coherent at the sound of his name.

Leaning over to draw his arm away, Toki kissed his forehead before pulling him up against his chest like a limp ragdoll. He knew now why they called it 'crippling' guilt.

'I'ms so sorry, Toki. Abouts everythings.' He gasped.

'I knows, Skwisgaar, I knows.' Toki whispered into the darkness. 'It ams like our entire history ams written in pains and regrets.'

Skwisgaar nodded against his ribs.

'But that's in the past now. You gots to let it goes if you can. I'ms willings to leaves it behind.'

The tips of Toki's fingers raked through his hair, the callouses tickling his scalp. 

'I forgives you.'

He had never thought that being absolved of his sins would feel like a religious experience.

 

*******

It was not so much a conference room as a lounge that Charles had chosen as the backdrop for their talk. Toki appreciated the more intimate, personal setting for the subject matter at hand, but he could not help but wonder if it would not have been smarter to keep a table between him and the others after yesterday's tense dinner and the sleepless night that followed.

Coming directly on the heels of his conversation with Abigail, Skwisgaar's breakdown probably meant that he had been eavesdropping on his phone call. Although formally forgiving him had been a beautiful and necessary moment between them, Toki was not happy about how it had come to pass. With anyone else he would have let it slide, but he was unsure whether he should nip this kind of monitoring in the bud given Skwisgaar's controlling streak.

The last thing he wanted was for jealousy and emotional blackmail to start running rampant in their relationship again. Then again, it might just have been unavoidable for him to overhear within the confines of the small cabin. He would have to be on his guard.  

Skwisgaar's remorse contrasted the others' behaviour all the more sharply. Whereas he had been doing everything in his power to make amends - not only through words but through his actions as well - Toki had no idea why they were on board with this. Were they simply humouring Skwisgaar? Did the new rhythm guitarist disappoint? Did they have any personal regrets about what had happened at all?

Skwisgaar squeezed his hand prior to entering the room, and they separated to take seats in the comfortable chairs. Much to Toki's relief, Charles was present, too, so he chose to sit on his left in the small circle.

'Good afternoon, boys. Now that we're all here I suggest we get straight to business, because, ah, you have a lot to discuss. I know I'm not part of the band, but I'm going to be here to prevent you guys from getting mired in semantics like, ah, those talks with Ishnifus. I think it's important that everyone gets to say what they need to. So.' Charles looked around expectantly. 'Who wants to go first?'

A painful silence blanketed the room as his ex-bandmates fidgeted in their seats.

'Skwisgaar?' Charles ventured with the air of a school teacher picking students off one by one.

To everyone's surprise, Murderface spoke up before Skwisgaar opened his mouth. His usual expression of callous indifference fell away as he allowed himself to be sincere for once, and it was that change that made Toki listen attentively in spite of his cynical attitude towards whatever might be said today.

'Toki - I'm sorry about what I schaid lascht night, okay?' He looked like he had lost sleep over it. 'I don't care what reaschons the othersch have, but...' He shook his head in disbelief at what he was going to say. '...you're the only guy who givesch me another chansche to be your friend no matter how much of a dick I am. I appreschiate that about you, and now that you're gone, well, it schucks. It feelsch kinda lonely.' He shrugged defensively.

Toki nodded slowly at his words, processing them. Encouraged by Murderface showing some backbone, Pickles and Nathan sat up in their seats.

'I, euh, don't think we say it enough, but I fer one rilly appreciate you as a musician, Toki. 'Pickles offered. 'You belahng in Dethklok, ye're as much part of the sound as any of us. It's like Skwisgare said at the auditions: no one's as brutal as you are, and that translates into something Dethklok needs.'

Pickles looked to Skwisgaar to back him up, and Skwisgaar conveyed their sincerity with a nod as he looked around Charles to catch Toki's eye.

Toki knew his own worth as a musician, and no matter how many times they had put him down in the past decade, he knew he would not have been in Dethklok if he did not deserve to be there. It was kind of insulting that it took so much out of any of them to admit it, so he kept his gaze level.

'Huh, I guess it's my turn now.' Nathan grumbled when Pickles did not open his mouth again. 'I think it's come to the point where were as much a fucked up dysfunctional family as the biggest band in the world, and it's not working when we're not all on board. Turns out you can't just be replaced even though that is what we did. We'd rather have you.'  

Toki sighed, earning him a concerned glance from Charles. The word family no longer held any positive connotation for him whatsoever. Family meant people you could not escape no matter how far you ran, and the hollow space left by unrequited love.

'You'd rather haves me.' He repeated flatly. 'Whats if I comes back? How's it goings to be differentks this time? I don'ts wants to live a life where I's alone even when my so-called friends lives down the hall, where nobodies ams there for me when I needs them. I'm not evens talkings about the time before last years, when I gots excluded and belittled on a daily basis for no reasons at all. I'ms tired of beings made to feel worthless by people I loves.'

'Don't you think you're exaggerating a little over there, Toki?' Nathan frowned, and it was the attention-whore thing all over again.

'Where WERE YOU?'

He shot up out of his chair to scream at them with balled fists.

'You keeps tellings me what you needs from me, but guess whats? I neededs you and you lefts me to ROT! You were all so fucking proud of youselves when you gots me out, but do you haves any idea how long it tooks? How long a days feel when you starve and am in pain? I asks myself every day: maybes they comes for Toki today?

‘Just tries to imagine whats it feels like when I founds out what it had taken for you to pulls your heads out of your asses. Fucking FINANCIAL CONSEQUENCES?!'

Their faces had all fallen considerably by the time he paused for air, but no one tried to stop him. Charles watched the others with a pensive frown. 

'And when I gots home, couldn'ts you see that I was goings to pieces?' Toki hissed. 'That I neededs your support more than anythings?'

'You could have asked.' Nathan pointed out.

'Asked? Even though every time I try to talk for ten years it gets me either the cold shoulder or a gay slur - you would have expected me to ASK? Wells, fuck that, and fuck _you_!'

Nathan shot up out of his chair, too, and Toki stepped out to put his full weight behind his swing and get the first punch in. A meaty hand closed over his fist, and Nathan looked him in the eye long and hard before arms like tree trunks crushed him against his massive chest.

'We… failed you, Toki.' He grated. 'I'm- I’m sorry.'   

Nathan held him in a vice-like grip until his breathing levelled out.

'You okay?' He asked after a while.

'Yeah.' Most of Toki’s rage had spent itself by screaming at them.

'Are you going to punch me when I let go?'

'No, it's cool.'

Hugs were pretty magical like that. It made him a little bitter that it had been so long in coming, but Nathan acknowledging his pain at last and trying to comfort him meant a lot to Toki.

'Good, because if you do I'm going to put you over my knee.'

Nathan released him with that warning, and Pickles put a hand on Toki's shoulder.

'Dood, I'm sahrry too. I promise we'll do better.'

'Jeschus Toki, we've been schuch dicksch, I hope you can forgive us schome day.'

Toki nodded, feeling drained.

One by one their heads whipped around to Skwisgaar, presumably to see if he would follow their lead and contribute something. Slumped in his chair with a hand covering his eyes, he did not look to be in any state to talk. Toki suppressed the urge to rush to him and ask what was going on. He wanted to see if his friends had learned something.

'Dood, are you okay?' Pickles ventured cautiously, squatting next to Skwisgaar's outstretched legs.

Skwisgaar gave an awkward shrug and a minute shake of his head in response. He was probably mortified about publicly showing emotions.

Satisfied with Pickles' attempt, Toki thought it best to lead by example. He closed the distance to the chair and pulled Skwisgaar up under his arms. Bracing himself to support his uncooperative weight, he enveloped Skwisgaar in an embrace.

'Ikke gråt, min elskede. We's goings to be okay.' He whispered.

God, it felt good to call him that. To finally have someone to love like this. He had to use all of his restraint not to kiss his face in front of the other guys.

'So is this European or are they really gay?' Nathan muttered to Pickles under his breath.

'Gaht no clue, dood.' Pickles whispered back. Raising his voice, he asked: 'Do you guys need a minute?' 

Wiping his face on his sleeve, Skwisgaar took a step back.

'Toki, it ams most unportant to me that you makes a discision whats make you happy, so I will backs you in whatevers you choose. But please, gives us another chance.' 

'When do I gots to decide?' Toki asked. He was still unsure if he had it in him to move past this.

'By the end of the month would be nice. I mean, if you you're still not happy about the idea by then it's probably not going to happen.'

Nathan's reasoning was sound.

'I lets you know on time.' Toki agreed to a round of assenting nods.

'Well, all this talkin's made me thirsty. Let's go out and have drinks!' Pickles suggested, prompting Charles to check his watch.

'Coulds we haves tea insteads? I probably shouldn'ts drink rights now.' Toki asked. He did not trust that the urge to drown his emotions would be completely gone.  

Skwisgaar's watery smile was proud, and Toki wanted nothing more than to take him back home while he looked like this. He was an ugly crier in the unforgiving daylight, pale face marred by red blotches and swelling around his eyes, but that did not make him any less attractive. If anything, it woke a conflicted mix of cruel arousal and pity in the pit of his stomach.

'I votes for tea, too - I gots a case of de stomachs throw-up.'

Skwisgaar's psychosomatic nausea was making itself known again.

'Is everyone good with tea? I'll send for some.' Charles spoke up.

'I take mine with whiskey.' Pickles was dead serious.

 

*******

Skwisgaar's red rimmed eyes were begging him for something over his cup of tea, but Toki had the feeling he was not going to find out what it was he needed until they were in private, if at all.

'Why don'ts we goes out for drinks Friday nights? I for one coulds use some time, but I woulds like to take Pickle up on hims suggestion.' He asked around the circle of remarkably docile bandmates.

A time and a venue were chosen, and Toki slammed down the dregs of his tea with a significant look for Skwisgaar. As soon as Skwisgaar set down his teacup Toki stood up to take his leave, sure in the knowledge that he would follow.

Driving home on automatic pilot, the silence that stretched between them served to order his thoughts before he had to translate them into words or actions. Thankfully, Skwisgaar required neither, content to envelop himself in his own quiet reflections.

A thick fog hung low over the trail, shedding light snowflakes that glistened briefly on Skwisgaar's blond waves before melting. Since Skwisgaar was too tall for Toki to put and arm around his shoulders he pulled him close by his waist.

'I haves a confessions to make.'

Skwisgaar looked down at him in surprise.

'It's kinds of hot when you cries.'

'Pffft.'

'Whats? You saids you thought it was hot when I gots pissed.'

Thinking on it for a second, Skiwsgaar huffed a laugh.

'Ja, dat ams true. I guess dere ams very few things abouts me that amen'ts hots.'

Unlocking the door, he let Skwisgaar in and stomped the snow off his boots. Skwisgaar hovered in the hallway while he took off his coat and gloves,

'You wants to do somethings together? Plays gui-' Toki began before he was cut off by chapped lips and a cold nose against his.

'Yes, and no.' Skwisgaar said between needy kisses. 'I wants to tries again.'

When Toki opened his mouth to be the voice of reason for once, Skwisgaar talked right over him.

'I practised dis mornings, whens you was out exercising. It was way more easiers than last nights.'

Heartbeat picking up behind his ribs, Toki slid possessive hands down Skwisgaar's back.

'If you're sures. Proves it to me.'

It was chilly in the bedroom, and they undressed themselves unceremoniously to huddle under the duvet. Covering Skwisgaar's body with his own, Toki traced the fading redness around his eyes with his fingers. After a heavy sigh something unwound in the body underneath him and gave way to calmness. A long leg folded over one of his own, its curly blond hairs tickling the back of his knees. The daylight from the window made all colours seem washed out; pale hair framed grey skin, and Toki caressed the bold bone structure of Skwisgaar’s face with cold fingers.

This was new to both of them, Toki suddenly realised. Who knew that with both their histories they would find some uncharted territory between them and have the opportunity to explore it together? So much had happened between them, but here they were, together at the edge of the world, wanting only more of what the other had to offer.

Kneeling underneath the covers he worked a shivering Skwisgaar over with slick fingers until his straining cock rubbed precome on his abs with every shift. Skwisgaar was practically gagging for it by the time Toki decided he was ready. Slack lips exposed his regular teeth with every silent plea, the bridge of his nose scrunched up with the intensity of the feeling. His ugly expressions were Toki's lifeblood.

'Fuckings gives it to me already,' Skwisgaar pushed back on Toki’s hand to demonstrate his resolve.

'I wills, I - you wants me to go slow or to gets it over with?' Nudging him with the tip of his cock yielded a soft whine.

'Gets it over with. Please.' Skwisgaar braced himself with a grim expression, wide mouth open and panting.

Toki recognised from his own experience the need to be hurt, to be made to feel, to be obliterated by someone else as atonement. He should have denied Skwisgaar that, denied himself the power to abuse that by extent, but he was rapidly going off the deep end.

If Toki had been any less hard it would have been impossible, but with a deadly grip on Skwisgaar's hips he breached him harshly. He almost lost it when Skwisgaar cried like a bitch as he bottomed out.

Holding still with difficulty, he forced Skwisgaar to look at him with a hand on his jaw. The power he felt coursing through his veins made his head spin, but he managed to grate out a warning.

'You needs to be very clears when you wants to stop. I cans, and I wills, but you gots to tells me.'

The hands on his ass urged him to move as Skwisgaar threw back his head with closed eyes.

'No, keeps you eyes open.' Pale eyelashes stood out against the bloodshot blue when they flew back open. There was fear in his eyes, but need and determination in equal measure.

The urge to move became stronger than Toki’s will. Managing a handful of measured thrusts, the combination of ploughing into Skwisgaar's clenched up body and the tormented expression on his face made Toki abandon all chivalry. With clenched jaw and bared teeth they descended into madness.

He was distantly aware that Skwisgaar's groans were not of pleasure like his own, and that long fingers dug into his back like talons. When the inexorable pain of a long overdue orgasm threatened to pull him under he desperately tried to claw back to the surface and stop before he passed the point of no return.

'Don'ts you dare stops, don'ts you dare!' Skwisgaar gripped the back of his neck and shouted in his face until he snapped his hips forward with a jarring impact.

Skwisgaar’s face pulled into a grimace as he squeezed his eyes shut, and Toki gave him a sharp slap.

'I saids eyes open!'

The mirrored shock of Skwisgaar's wide-eyed obedience stilled them both, but when he bit his lip rather than protest or stop him Toki hauled one of his legs over his shoulder. This was going to hurt both of them, but he was going to come even if it killed him. Skwisgaar's eyes narrowed in pain, but he kept them trained on Toki's face as he was swept up on an agonising wave of pleasure that sent him crashing over the edge.

It hurt as much as he had feared, but spilling his seed inside Skwisgaar was the biggest rush of relief he had ever felt.

Directly on the heels of that relief came regret.

He tried to push himself up and away with a look of horror on his face, but Skwisgaar held him.

'Is okay. _Älskling_ , it ams okay.' He smiled and hooked a strand of Toki's hair behind his ear. 'You dids it.' He murmured in wonder.

'I hurts you.' Toki whispered. 

'We can work on dat.' Skwisgaar laughed, then pulled a face because it hurt where they were still fused together.   

'I hates myself.' Toki hung his head.

'I loves you.'

 


	18. The energy flows in me like a river of stars

Toki shook his head in disbelief, hair swaying against the side of his face.

'I loves you.' Skwisgaar repeated. The words were unfamiliar on his tongue, but it felt right. His heart swelled with unprecedented joy at being able to utter them to someone, like a mountain river swelling with the water from a melting glacier.

'I don'ts deserve that.' Toki whispered, averting his gaze.

'Tokis, listens to me. I knows you, and I loves you.'

He did not know all of Toki, and he would probably remain an enigma for the rest of their lives, but Skwisgaar knew enough to love him for who he was: his muse, a star-child; creator of colourful dimensions, spreading love in the darkest of places without expecting anything in return.

A hush fell around the house, and then Toki's radiant smile broke through. He rubbed his nose against Skwisgaar's and kissed him, deep and slow.

'I loves you, too, Skwis, so very much.'

Toki's words flowed through him like a healing. If Toki could love him in spite of everything, he could fathom forgiving himself at some point in time. His kisses tasted of new hope.  

Toki’s hips gave an involuntary twitch as he delved his tongue further into Skwisgaar's mouth. Although he had been able to bear the first round, it alarmed Skwisgaar a little that Toki was still hard.

'Once nots enough for you?' He spoke into the space between their lips.

'Usually it ams, but...' Skwisgaar could not hold back a sigh of relief when Toki pulled away. 'How does you feels?'

'Kinds of sore, like maybe somethings tears a bit.' He admitted with a wince.

Toki carefully swiped one finger along the inside of his ass.

'Nothings damaged, though.' He inspected his finger. 'Bit of spotting. Maybe a bloodsvessel gots busted.' As rough as he had been when they fucked, he cleaned both of them up with a gentle hand.

'I promise it won'ts happen again.' He said as he gathered Skwisgaar up in his arms.

'It ams alrights, don'ts worry about it. Besides, amen't forst times supposed to hort a bit?'

'Don'ts know about 'supposed to', but yeah, mine did.' Toki agreed.

Toki's palms rubbed soft figures on his stomach, and Skwisgaar leaned back against his shoulder with a content sigh. Sure, he hurt now, but next time would be better, and he was glad that he had learned at last what made Toki tick. Though paired with his earlier comment about how he thought it was hot when Skwisgaar cried, he was unsure how he felt about Toki slapping him. Letting him top was one thing, but they would have to figure out a healthy way to channel his need for dominance into something that was agreeable to both of them.

Violence was not really his thing, but being forced to look at Toki while he ravished him had been an unexpected pleasure. He definitely liked it when Toki took control like that, overwhelming him with his powerful presence... The thought of Toki's tight grip on his jaw made his cock swell against his stomach, but no matter how he squirmed, Toki's hands avoided touching him there, teasingly skimming his sides and his thighs instead.

'Touches me, Toki...' He bucked up uselessly. 'Please.'

'Hm,' Toki only reacted after his plea. 'You wants me to jack you off?'

'Blow me.' Skwigaar pushed his luck by going against him.

'No.' He did not need to see Toki's face to know that he loved this game.

'Alrights, I wants fuck you then. Been a whiles.' Only a week, he realised, but time made strange leaps these days.

Skwisgaar looked forward to hearing him scream again. Toki was quieter when he topped, with the exception of his instructions. When he gingerly sat up, Toki handed him the lube with a one sided grin and lazily spread his legs while he stroked himself. Apparently he needed to make up for lost time today. Skwisgaar hauled him into his lap by his hips as he knelt between his legs.

Hair fanning out across the mattress, Toki let himself be manhandled once more, but it was different this time. His hand picked up speed as Skwisgaar entered him, and he arched his back with a sensuality that he had not been comfortable enough to display before. Skwisgaar swatted his hand away to run his slick fist across his cock in time with his thrusts, pacing himself to draw out the pleasure of watching Toki's face as he gasped for air. The pitch of Toki's voice changed along with the angle as Skwisgaar canted his hips and Toki wrapped his legs around his waist.

'Dis goods for you, Tokis?' He teased.

'Harder-' Toki implored breathlessly, and Skwisgaar obliged him until he painted his chest with an obscene amount of cum.

Lowering a wide-eyed and panting Toki back onto the bed, he moved in to kiss his slack mouth before lapping a drop of semen from his chin on impulse. 

'Seeings you come ams my new favourites thing.'

A self-conscious blush spread across Toki's cheeks.

'Now gets on you hands and knees.'

It struck Skwisgaar how his utterly debauched state contrasted beautifully with the repressed creature he had first taken to bed as Toki shamelessly offered himself up, pillowing his head on his arms with a sated smile.

Retributing Toki's earlier transgression with a playful smack on his ass, Skwisgaar crowded between his legs and savoured the tight slide of breaching him at this angle. He folded himself over Toki's broad back, wrapping his arms around his slick torso to hold him as close as possible as he groaned out unintelligible Swedish endearments against his skin.

 

 

*******

Skwisgaar was snoozing underneath the covers when Toki stepped out of the shower for the second time that day. He wished he could join him, but he had promised himself he would visit his mother to wish her a happy new year, so he put on his pants and dress shirt after a perfunctory rinse. Sitting on the edge of his bed to tie his shoes he could not resist petting Skwisgaar's hair, lovingly running his fingers through the pale waves and the curls at the ends. Skwisgaar cracked open one eye at his ministrations.

'Goings somewhere?' He mumbled with a look at his formal clothes. 'Does I needs to gets up or some shits like dat?'

'Visiting my mums.' Toki supplied. 'You can stays here.'

'You looks like a ladies.' Skwisgaar huffed a silent laugh at Toki's hair, which he had piled atop his head in a bun to keep it dry.

Letting his hair down and combing it into a low ponytail, he retorted: 'You're a lady, Skwisgaar. Looks at you, who's the Disney princess now?' He raked his fingers through Skwisgaar's hair again.

'No, I'ms not.' Skwisgaar protested without his usual vehemence at being feminised. 'Sees you later mommy's boy.'

'I'd kick your ass if I wasn'ts so completely fucked out. Maybe laters. Sees ya.' He kissed the sharp curve of Skwisgaar's nose and left.

As he slammed the car door behind him he threw back his head and laughed. Pure, unadulterated joy bubbled up from the core of his being like a spring. Whatever life threw at him now, nothing would ever take this away from him. Skwisgaar loved him, and hearing him say it thrice over was the greatest gift he had ever received. Catching the reflection of his wide grin in the rear-view mirror, he pressed a fist against his mouth to contain another elated giggle.

He wore his love like armour when he stepped up to the door of his mother's house in the dark winter night, untouched by the lingering memories of pain and grief and loneliness that still hid in the shadowed corners. Now he could say with certainty that no, he was not broken, because the capacity for love he defined himself by remained intact. Neither his dad nor Magnus had managed to beat it out of him, and being loved in return rekindled his spirit to shine like a burning star within him, like it was meant to.

Anja opened the door with a curious look on her face. Toki picked her up by her waist and spun her around, the folds of her dress as well as her loose salt and pepper hair billowing behind her as she laughed.

'Toki! Hva har det med deg?' His mother exclaimed.

'Godt Nyttår, mor.' He kissed her cheeks.

'You too, my child.' She threaded an arm through his as she led him through the hallway. 'Where's Skwisgaar? Has he gone back to America again?'

'He's still here - the whole band is in Lillehammer, actually.' He answered.

'Any special reason?'

'They came to talk to see if I wanted to come back again.'

He sat down in the chair by the fireplace that was not occupied by the leather-bound Bible he remembered from his youth.

'Do you? You seemed so sad about quitting last time. Or was that because of something else?'

Anja sat down opposite him, balancing the tome on the armrest of her chair.

'I guess what I was sad about was that after the things that happened they were never there for me. Maybe I'm high-maintenance by their standards, but I can't face certain things alone anymore. So... I'm not sure if I do, because I expect more from my friends and I don't know if they can change.'

'Perhaps they just need the chance to show it.' Anja pointed out. 'You told me Skwisgaar is nicer these days, didn't you?'

'Yes, he is.' Toki fought his dumb grin with all his might, averting his face from his mother's piercing eyes to stare into the crackling fire.

'Toki...?' She sounded curious, and amused, of all things.

'You're not going to want to hear this, mother.'

Toki shook his head. If being a rock star equalled godlessness, in how much trouble was he with the Word of the Lord if he fucked guys to boot?

'I think I do.' She waited.

'I'm in love.' He whispered with downcast eyes, but he could not keep from smiling to himself as his heart thudded against his ribs.

'With Skwisgaar.' Anja clarified.

'Yes.'

'Does he make you happy?' Her eyes searched Toki's.

'I think so, yes. We've still got a lot to figure out, but I think this is good for me.'

He had not thought about killing himself all week, which sounded cynical, but was a big step for him.

'Then I'm glad for you, my son.' Anja smiled.

'You don't...?'

Toki's eyes slid towards the heavy tome on her armrest. Didn't God destroy entire cities over this sort of thing?

'I've always believed that the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ trump the Mosaic laws. The Old Testament was more Aslaug's kind of thing.' Her mischievous laugh pulled the crow's feet at her eyes up. 'I ordered the newest translation a while back - they've made a lot of progress in understanding the Biblical Hebrew in its historical context since the eighteenth century - it came in three days ago.'

She nodded towards the modest, white edition on the dining table.

'I, eh,' Anja hesitated. 'I've wanted to do this ever since you ran away from home.'

Toki cocked his head at his mother, unsure what she meant. Anja opened the old volume on her lap, traced his father's notes in the margins with a sigh and snapped it shut. Kneeling in front of the hearth, she consigned the old Bible to the flames.

'No text, no matter how sacred, is worth losing your child over. To a new beginning?' His mother asked, laughing at the astonished look on his face.

Sliding down onto the flagstones next to where her black gown pooled around her folded legs, Toki watched the fire consume the last remnant of his father's misguided teachings. It felt like justice.

'Thank you, mother.' He wrapped an arm around her.

'Thank you for coming back to me, Toki. It's more than I ever could have hoped for.' She kissed his cheek. 'Do you like wine? I'll get some glasses.'

As his mother disappeared into the kitchen, Toki took a seat behind the organ. He did not recall the name of the music that flowed from his fingers, but he knew there were supposed to be lyrics with it in a different language. Perhaps he had been too young to understand them when he last played it, but it struck him as fitting for tonight.

'...mit freudigen Schritten, und lasse dich nicht, mein Leben, mein Licht.' Anja's dark soprano voice navigated the harmonic melody, standing at his shoulder and smiling down at him.

Hearing her voice he remembered learning to play the aria, though he did not think she had ever sung to him before.

'Eg elsker stemmen din, mamma.'

'The last time I sang for you was before you were born.'

'Stupid vow of silence.' Toki sighed.   

Anja smoothed her hand over his hair. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*******

Skwisgaar was so far gone that the faint buzzing of his phone did not register until hours later. Wondering where the hell he was, he sat up to take in the generic bedroom that swam in his vision. The little pamphlets on the nightstand made it clear it was a hotel in Lillehammer, and he silently thanked Odin that he had not strayed too far. With his track record it might as well have been Helsinki or Moscow. The bed was empty save for himself, and it took a minute to remember why he felt relieved about the lack of passed out females. Where was Toki? Shit. He tried to extract his vibrating phone from his jeans, but the call went to voicemail before he could answer it. Unlocking his phone he saw that he had missed about twenty calls, the most recent one from Nathan. According to his log, apparently Toki had stopped trying to reach him after 9.50 AM.

Dialling Nathan's number, the sound of the phone ringing on the other side made him clutch at his throbbing head.

'Yeah, hello.' Nathan sounded as hung over as Skwisgaar felt.

'You calleds?' He grated out.

'Only a hundred times. We left earlier this afternoon, wanted to say goodbye before going back to Mordhaus.'

'Earlier dis afternoons?'

What time was it?

'Yeah, no one's seen you all day, where the fuck are you even?'

'Just wokes up in some random-ass hotels.'

'Guess you had better things to do, eh?' Nathan laughed, and then groaned. 'Ow, my liver.'

'What dids I do? I don'ts remember jack shit.' He asked urgently.

'How should I know? The only one who stayed remotely sober was Toki. Going out with you guys was a terrible idea. I had to fish a hypothermic Pickles out of a gutter somewhere, Murderface had to be bailed out for stealing a policeman's hat, you left me with Toki and that dumb friend of his as soon as you saw those chicks...'

What chicks? This was not looking good. Even if he did not remember cheating on Toki it was not a big leap for anyone to assume he had. Why else would he be here all by himself?

'Dude, I ain'ts got no ladies here, I didn'ts-' He began. 'Wait, whats friend?'

'Black hair. Corpse paint. Don't remember his name.'

'Dat amen'ts very helpful!'

That could be either Ole, Eivind or Ronke.

'Stop talking, Skwisgaar, your voice hurts my head. Guess I'll see you at the end of the month, right? Or sooner if Toki kicks you out.'

'Whats you means by dat?' He demanded.

'Eh, nothing specific. Just - another month seems a bit long for couch surfing. Anyway. See ya.'

Inwardly cursing himself for getting so hammered that he had nothing more than a vague recollection of the metal bar where they started out, he swiped through his contacts to call Toki. The screen of his phone read 4.17 PM. He really had been gone all day.

'Toki's phones.' Skwisgaar did not recognise the hushed drawl.

'This ams Skwisgaar, who's I speakings to?' He asked carefully.

'Ronke.' Came the short reply.

'Coulds you put Tokis on de phones, please?'

It looked like Toki had not made it home, either.

'Toki's asleep, I amen'ts wakings him. Wheres the fuck are you anyway? He's been waitings for you to check in all days.' Ronke scolded.

'De, eh, Sove Som Døde hotels.' He read from the pamphlet.

'Okay.' Ronke's flat tone did not hide his judgemental undertone.

'I really needs to speak to Toki.'

How else was he going to get home?

'I'll text you mine address, you can walks there from where you ams.' 

Without another word Ronke hung up.

His intention to walk to Ronke's house immediately did not get him very far. After ten seconds on his legs he stumbled to the ensuite bathroom to clutch the cool porcelain of the toilet bowl until his stomach had emptied itself enough to feel a little less like he had been poisoned. Putting his smelly clothes back on after a shower made the whole grooming exercise rather pointless, but he hoped he had at least significantly reduced his odour.

It was fully dark and freezing cold to boot when he checked out of the hotel. He had not been able to find his coat anywhere, and the extreme temperature made it impossible to get warm from walking alone, so he shivered violently the entire distance. He had to stop three times on the way, twice to sit on a fence or wall until his head stopped spinning and once to puke into some snow-covered shrubs, but eventually the GPS on his phone guided him to a small apartment in the city centre.

Ringing the doorbell was a dumb move, because when Ronke opened the door Toki glared over his shoulder with bleary eyes, clearly jolted awake by the noise.

'Hellos.' Skwisgaar said hoarsely.

Neither of them returned his greeting as Ronke let him in, and he felt so goddamned guilty. As far as he remembered he had done nothing wrong, but he knew damn well how bad this looked. Ronke disappeared into the kitchen, and Toki curled back up on the couch.

'Hej, baby.' He sat down directly next to Toki, their thighs touching. 

'I don'ts know whats I even expecteds from you.'

Toki's tone hovered somewhere between disdainful and resigned.

'Whats makes you says dat?' Skwisgaar pulled him into his arms to nuzzle at his neck.

'Skwisgaar, where haves you been? Whats have you been doings?' Toki asked tersely, stiffening.

'Passed outs in some hotels. Talksed to Nathan on de phone. Throws up a lot, walked here, puked some mores.' That was the entire truth, that he was aware of.

'Nathans says he sees you leave with some goils.'

'I don'ts remembers no goils, and dere weren'ts any when I wakes up.' He countered.

Toki gave him a conflicted look that said he wanted to believe him, but found himself unable.

'Älskling,' he said between kisses to Toki's cheekbone. 'Wouldn'ts you feels better if you just believes me and lets it go? Hm?' It was worth a shot. 'Just thinks about it. Woulds you sleeps around at dis point?'

'Alrights.' Toki conceded. 'I lets this slide for now, but I kicks you-' Toki yawned. 'ass if I finds out you lies.'

'Amen'ts it a bit early in our relatingships for domestics violence?'

He regretted that jibe as soon as he uttered it.

Toki clenched his jaw and averted his eyes, which made Skwisgaar feel like the world's biggest asshole.

'Soup's on, dildos.' Ronke called from the kitchen. It was kind of weird to hear Skwisgaar’s favourite insult spread among Toki's friends, but perhaps it was a good thing to extend their circle of friends beyond Dethklok.

Ronke dished out a simple pasta that tasted pretty good even to Skwisgaar's liquor marinated taste buds, especially in combination with five glasses of water. Toki and Ronke exchanged Hestkuk gossip over his head, and Skwisgaar was content to just shovel up his food.

Toki's phone went off in Ronke's pants.

'Det er din mor.' Ronke handed it back to Toki, who walked out to talk just beyond earshot.

Ronke levelled a disapproving stare at Skwisgaar while they chewed on opposite ends of the table.

'If you has any regards for him at all - don'ts pull any more of this crap, okay?'

His heavy lidded grey eyes bored into Skwisgaar's.

'He can takes it if you wants out, but don'ts goes behind hims back. He gots enough trust issues.'

Skwisgaar held up his hands.

'Crap like whats?'

'I gets it, old habits die hards and all that. Just... don'ts.' Ronke shook his head.

'I didn'ts do anythings!'

'Yes, you dids. You may haves been too drunks to recall, but that amen'ts excuse.'

He leaned over the table as Toki's voice approached.

'I won'ts tells him whats I sees because it ams none of my business, but you betters watch you step.' Ronke hissed.

Stunned, Skwisgaar tried to mimic Ronke's bland expression when Toki walked back into the kitchen.

'Hvor er din mor gjør?' Ronke asked in a bored tone that belied his earlier vehemence. 

'She needs a favour.' Toki smiled tiredly. 'Hope I'm up for it...'

No longer hungry, Skwisgaar put down his fork.

  

 

*******

Not knowing what to do with himself while Toki listened to church music on his laptop, he ran through a couple of scales before putting his Explorer aside again. He had to know how bad it was - what he had done. Different people had different standards of what was acceptable behaviour in a relationship, and he was pretty sure Toki did not mind it if he flirted a bit with the ladies.

'Toki, cans I haves you phone for a minute?' So far he only had one witness.

Pausing his video, Toki tossed him his cell without asking what he needed it for. Turning on Bluetooth, Skwisgaar quickly imported Toki's meagre list of contacts before giving it back. Toki was immersed in some boring video of an old guy behind a church organ, fingers of his right hand twitching over the mouse pad while he held up his left to receive his cell.

'What dids you moms want, Tokis? Didn'ts you go sees her two days ago?' Skwisgaar asked.

Toki paused the video again with a sigh.

'She asks me to play in church tomorrow morning. Organists am ill.'

'Hm.'

Skwisgaar only half-listened while he scrolled for Ronke's number. The music resumed.

_To: Ronke Snogge_

_Sorry to bothers you but please tells me whats you sees_

_Skwisgaar_

'Waits, what?' He exclaimed when Toki's words registered properly. 'You goings to does dat?'

'Gots a problem with that?'

There was a challenge in Toki's tone.

'Thoughts you woulds has a problems with it, seeings as, you knows-' A message alert sounded loudly before he could put his phone on silent, and he broke off to read it.

_From: Ronke Snogge_

_You sure you wants that black-on-white?_

'Who's that?' Toki asked while he typed a reply.

_Hits me, I gots to knows_

'Nathans. Dids you hear Moidaface gots arrested?' He was lying through his teeth before he knew it, and it felt like digging his own grave. He had not had reason to lie about anything in a very long while.

'I was there to bails him out with Nathans.'

Toki was short with him, clearly not into talking about last night. How had Toki wound up at Ronke's place, anyway?

'Oh. Whats was we talkings abouts before?'

'I don'ts know, Skwisgaar, I'ms trying to get this musics down.'

That was it; Toki setting foot inside that goddamned church.

'Rights. Since when ams you okay with that whole church thing?'

'Just helpings my mums out with musics. Not like I'm goings there to worships.'

'I'd think you lost it if you dids. Amen'ts you afraids to boist into flames if you sets foots in dere?'

'Whats you want, Skwisgaar?' Toki was beginning to sound irritable.

Ronke had taken his sweet time in replying, but the incoming text made Skwisgaar put the conversation with Toki on hold again.

_You were swappings spit with two (!) girls in the hallways. Hears one of them says they was goings to gives you head. Thank fuck I didn'ts actually sees that._

He deleted the message immediately upon reading. A fuzzy memory of a coatrack against his back and the gentle curve of a woman's ass in his hand surfaced. God, he was an asshole.

'I just don'ts get why you so chummy with you moms all of a suddens.' He directed another critical question at Toki for reasons unknown even to him. 'After everything dat happen.' He added for good measure.

'Peoples can change, right?' Toki replied mildly.

'No, Tokis. They don't.'

They can try, but they will fail. He was no longer thinking about Mrs Wartooth.  

_Thanks for lettings me know._

Toki turned back to his music while Skwisgaar sent out a polite reply to Ronke.

_Yeah, np. Whats the point if you don'ts even remembers, right?_

Ronke sent back, following his message up with a second passive-aggressive line.

_How long haves it been? A week? Classy._

Ronke's scorn threw extra fuel on the flames of his self-loathing.

Looking up from his video, Toki spoke up.

'What's the point of goings through all this shit with Dethklok, then, if people can'ts change?' He pointed out the flaw in Skwisgaar's reasoning.

'I don'ts knows, Tokis, weres you ever seriously considerings it or does you just enjoys watchings me squirm?' Skwisgaar bit at him.

Taking out his negativity on Toki was about the dumbest thing he could do right now, but here he was, picking a fight while he should be grovelling.

'Hei Skwisgaar, you wants to shut up?' Toki set his laptop down with force. 'What's you problem? Takings it up the ass too much for you, ams that it?' Toki crowded into his space with a dangerous looks on his face. 'Gots to reassert you controls or some shits like that? Goes out and fucks some goils if that helps. You knows you wants to, if you haven'ts already!' He bit out.

If Skwisgaar was completely honest with himself, maybe Toki was right. Had he felt the need to make out with some random girls because of the loss of control he felt with Toki? Part of him wanted to provoke Toki's temper just so that he would punish him, because what he had done weighed too heavily on his conscience to deal with it himself.

Realising just in time that he would not be doing either of them a favour by enraging Toki to the point of violence he restrained himself and backed down from Toki's snarl with lowered his eyes.

Taking Toki's balled fists in his hands, he pried the clenched fingers open to slip his own between them.

'I shuts up now.'

Crushing his lips onto Toki's, his stomach gave a lurch as Toki pushed him into the sofa pillows.    

'You's an asshole.'

 


	19. I am left in the cold

No matter how bad he felt after a fitful night of sleep, the moment Toki quietly slipped out of bed Skwisgaar was wide awake. He ran a hand across Toki's back as he sat on the edge of the bed, but it went unacknowledged. After their fight Toki had grown increasingly distant again, going to bed without a word when he finished studying his music and ignoring Skwisgaar's attempts to make it up to him. It was nothing he did not deserve after his bad attitude - not to mention his yet undiscovered unfaithfulness - but Skwisgaar could not stand slowly feeling him slip away again.

Toki had not told him his schedule for the day, but apparently he planned to be in church on time. He gratefully accepted the breakfast Skwisgaar made for him, smiling despite his puffy eyes. He critically eyed Skwisgaar's clothes.

'Don'ts tells me you're thinkings of coming along?' Toki shook his head minutely.

'Why nots?' Skwisgaar countered.

'After all that talk abouts me burstings into flames - amen'ts you afraid Gods would smites _you_ the seconds you sets foot in there?' Toki teased.

'If I does gets struck down I probablies deserveds it.' Skwisgaar grimaced. 'Though _I_ nevers stole froms a church.'

'You gots me. I still don'ts get why the fucks you woulds willingly get up at this hours to goes there, though.'

'Maybes I wants to hears you play.' He tied his hair back while Toki finished his coffee.

'Is goings to be terribles, I couldn'ts be more ill-prepareds. The service ams goings to be dull as fuck as well.'

Skwisgaar shrugged. 'I liked it when you plays at you mom's house, so I takes my chances.'

'Whatevers, Skwisgaar. Suit yourself.'

It was still dark in the wooden church when Anja let them in. She went back into the house after turning on the chandeliers and the heating, and Toki took a seat on the bench behind the organ.

'Det har vært noen gang...' He muttered as he fit his feet onto the pedals.

Toki propped his clumsy notes with the order of the songs and their different keys and chords up where he could see them as he played. It struck Skwisgaar as pretty ridiculous that two of the most accomplished guitarists of their time could not even read sheet music, and he laughed softly as he laid back on one of the pews and propped his feet up.

The ancient wooden benches were uncomfortable as hell, but lying down seemed a better idea that remaining seated the entire morning. Toki had taken two hours in advance to practice the handful of psalms and songs of praise that were part of the service, conveniently forgetting to inform Skwisgaar that he would be stuck for that amount of time. Then again, it was kind of his own fault that he had not asked - or looked at the time at all.

The key and the chord progression of the first song were different from anything Skwisgaar would have expected, and he sat back up to watch what Toki was doing.

'Ams you playings dat right?' He asked when the last notes died away. 'Seems like dere's somethings off abouts dat scale.'

'Ohoho, dids we just finds somethings the greats Skwisgaar Skwigelf don'ts knows abouts musics?' Toki exclaimed with unholy glee.

'Enlightens me...' He raised an eyebrow at Toki.

'I haven'ts gots time for Church Music 101, but reminds me to tells you abouts Greek scales and church modes if you's interested.'

'Ja, maybes. Not shores whats I would do with dat informations. I just listens to you play. Go. Go plays me another songs.'

Despite his mild curiosity about the quirky scales Toki played, Skwisgaar snoozed the remaining time until the church bells started ringing to announce the imminent start of the service. Early parishioners shifted in their seats to look to the back of the church as Toki launched into a mysterious and dark piece in F-minor that reeked of Mozart to Skwisgaar.

An older lady in a hat slid into the pew next to him to sit close to the music, and instead of hitting on her, Skwisgaar found himself favouring her with a proud grin. He leaned over the back of the pews to leer at Toki, taking in the way the muscles of his arms rippled underneath the blue wool of his suit, and how his ponytail swayed where he bent over the keys in concentration.

'Hvem er den unge mannen?' The lady in the hat asked him.

Resisting the urge to say 'my boyfriend', Skwisgaar searched for the words in Norwegian.

'Som er pastor sønn, Toki.'

'Well, have you ever.' The lady smiled.

For all the speed with which Toki had rammed out the Fantasie in F-minor, he effortlessly switched to the slow drag of accompanying the parishioners' singing throughout the service. Then again, he was born and bred here, so he should know, Skwisgaar reminded himself. 

Skwisgaar did not really pay attention to the confusing liturgy, but the first Scripture reading hit a little too close to home. It was a story about a boy with a colourful coat and wild dreams about his family bowing to him. He got thrown into a well and sold to slavers by his older brothers, who were tired of his shit. The eldest felt sorry for him, but helped cover up the crime by pretending the boy got mauled by a wild animal to their grieving father. Involuntarily glancing back at Toki, he saw him guilelessly adjust his notes for the next song. Mrs Wartooth's sermon did not mention the first story, but Skwisgaar mulled it over while she spoke nonetheless.

When the elders started passing a basket around for people to put money into, Skwisgaar shook with silent laughter as Toki played a variation on the guitar harmonies from Thunderhorse that blended in perfectly with the other music he had been playing that morning. Toki's lips twitched when Skwisgaar caught his eye, leaning over the back of the pews like a schoolboy, but he did not miss a note.

The parishioners dispersed after the service, and Toki's mother invited them over for coffee. Skwisgaar saw his chance when Toki went to the kitchen.

'Mrs Wartooth, what happens with de boy with de dreams from de forst stories?' Surely there was more to it than the kid randomly getting sold into slavery.

'You mean Genesis 37? Well, he becomes a household slave for an Egyptian dignitary, but a series of injustices lands Joseph in the palace dungeons. He spends his time helping out the warden and interpreting the dreams of disgraced servants. One night the pharaoh of Egypt has a series of prophetic dreams that no one can explain to him, but then one of his servants remembers Joseph. He interprets the dreams, and the pharaoh recognises his talent, making him governor of all of Egypt. Joseph has the foresight to build food stores for the famine that was predicted in the dreams. When it strikes, his brothers travel to Egypt to procure food for their family, and they end up kneeling before him after all. Joseph forgives them, realising God has placed him there with the purpose of saving them from their doom.'

'Dat's a very interesting tales.'

'It used to be Toki's favourite when he was small.'

 

Toki was picking up stuff around the cabin when Skwisgaar decided he needed to read the full story. It still fascinated him, and if it had been Toki's favourite he felt like he should know it. Lack of a Bible, or books in general, made him pick up Toki's laptop. He did not remember the chapter of the book – Genesis, was it? - which led him to Google. Apparently there was a musical. Distracted from the stuffy Bible text by his preferred medium he clicked a YouTube link with a long haired guy shut inside a prison cell who looked remotely metal if you squinted.

_'... darken my daytime, and torture my nights. If my life were important I would ask will I live or die...'_

Toki stiffened with a stray sock in his hands.

_'Close every door to me. Keep those I love from me...'_

Shit. Abort, abort.

Skwisgaar was about the close the window when Toki leaned over the back of the couch to watch.

'What's this?' He asked softly over a chorus of children's voices.

'Joseph and de amazings technicolour dreamscoat...' Skwisgaar read. 'I gots no clue.'

_'...forget all about me, and let me decay...'_

This was getting worse by the second, but Toki watched in rapt fascination.

_'...destroy me completely, then throw me away.'_

Fuck, now would be a great time for the earth to open and swallow him whole.

_'For I know I shall find my own peace of mind, for I have been promised a land of my own.'_

Skwisgaar ended up suffering through the most eye-wrenching and cringe-worthy children's musical ever for over an hour, but the music was catchy in places and Toki seemed to enjoy the story. Curled against his side, Toki was content to let him kiss his hair and pet him again, which made the dubious entertainment bearable.

When the video ended, they looked at each other for a long moment before bursting into laughter.

'Dat was de most un-metals thing I sees in a long whiles.'

'The books was betters.'

Still, when Toki hung out the laundry Skwisgaar could hear him softly sing.

'For I knows I shall finds my own peace of minds...'

 

 

*******

'Tokis, you phone,' Skwisgaar called.

A brave attempt at cooking a passable dinner on his own while Toki played guitar left him unable to answer it for him. He was too scared something might blow up the moment he turned his back. The shredding from the living room abruptly stopped as Toki bounded to the bedroom to locate his cell. It cut off just before he found it, but started ringing again in his hands.

'Toki Wartooth. Sami, hei! Yes, it ams. Yes, I dids. I, eh, yeah, let's hears it!'

Skwisgaar had been dreading this call for a while since Toki had not specified to Sami when in January he was going to have his mind made up, and the month was progressing quickly. Toki still had not made a decision about Dethklok, and the chances that he would choose to come back dwindled before Skwisgaar's eyes with every passing day.

He had no idea what Toki was waiting for - it was a simple yes or no question - but the enthusiasm with which he answered the Fin's call certainly did not bode well. Alright, maybe it was not a simple yes or no question. It was choosing between two possible lives; one relatively unknown future and one that was rooted in a mountain of crap with only the reassurance that it might be better this time around.

'Sures, that sound like funs! That way we coulds gets to know each others and all that. Where does you wants to meet up?'

The heat drained from Skwisgaar's body even though he was standing over boiling pots. Were he Toki, he would probably want to give the other option a shot - but he was not, and the prospect of Toki doing anything of that sort freaked him out. How were they even going to maintain a semblance of a relationship if Toki worked from Finland and Skwisgaar from Mordhaus?

'Ams that in Helsinki? Rights. So I just brings my guitars and we sees where the ships strands? Yeah, I'ms good with that.'

No, fuck no. If Toki was willing to go to Helsinki to meet Sami it must have become a viable option in his mind to join his band. He had been turning down other offers left and right when they presented themselves, but Toki seemed to have developed an easy connection with the Fin ever since their first - and as far as Skwisgaar knew only - phone call. How did Toki do that?

Everybody liked him from the get go, and with good reason. But all these similarly likeable guys such as Sami and Ole showing up in Toki's life formed acute threats to their relationship as far as Skwisgaar was concerned. He could see how easy-going friendships without decades of painful history would appeal to Toki at the verge of the new life he was carving out for himself here. Skwisgaar knew it was selfish to hate that, but he did.

'That sounds like funs. Is you drummers goings to be there, too? Uhuh. We coulds hang out, plays some guitars. Yeah,' Toki agreed.

Skwisgaar was a nihilist at heart, but if he had been any less disenchanted with the world he would have believed this was karma come to bite him in the ass. He had been on his best behaviour since his drunken escapades, but of course that did not erase what he had done.

Toki felt there was something standing between them, too; he was not an idiot. The fire in their relationship had dwindled as suddenly as it had flared up, leaving unspoken mutual hurt in its wake. They had not even fucked since before that goddamned night, and it felt like losing the light in his life. Skwisgaar could not bring himself to talk about it because he remembered fuck all and he was afraid of the fallout, but the longer he shut everything inside himself the further they drifted apart.

 'No, I don'ts know wheres I'll be stayings. Can you recommends a hotels? Hang on, I take notes.'

On one hand he was hoping Toki would invite him along, but on the other hand he was not sure how well he would take having to watch Toki drift away from him into the arms of someone else, even if it might be the best choice for him. He did not want to spend time apart at all, but leaving him unhindered might be the only thing that could move Toki's decision-making along.

'I guess friday am fines, don'ts gots any other plans. Yeah, I sees about bookings a flight and gets back to you. Helsinki Vantaa. Okay.'

Absently dishing up the food, Skwisgaar carried it to the dining table just as Toki concluded his conversation.

'Alrights. Sees you. Yeah, lookings forward to it, too! Bye.' Toki sat down at the table with an excited glint in his eye.

Skwisgaar had to fake an appetite to avoid looking like a lovesick teenage girl.

'Sami Luukainen invites me over to Finland.'

'Ja, I gots dat.'

He could not share in Toki's enthusiasm no matter how he looked at it.

'Whats of that do you think?' Toki inquired.

'It don'ts matter what I thinks, Toki.' He snapped. 'I's just an unreasonably jealous asshole. Don'ts lets me influence you decisions.'

'Fine, I ask someone else.'

Toki pressed his lips together the same way Anja did.

As he finished his food in silence, Toki furiously texted back and forth with someone. Immediately after tossing his empty plate in the sink he tugged on his coat and made to leave.

'Where you goings?'

Skwisgaar followed him to the door. He had not meant to drive Toki away. 

'I'm goings to talk to Ronke. Maybe he wants to gives me some advice.' Toki said with a foot outside the door and an impatient look.

'Toki, snälla...' He pleaded.

'Whats?'

Having no good answer, Skwisgaar tilted Toki's jaw up for a bitter kiss.

'I wants to be everything you needs, but I don'ts know how.' He grated out.

That had sounded a lot less creepy and controlling in his head.

'You can'ts be.' Toki said with a finality that crushed him.

Shutting the door in his face, he left Skwisgaar standing among the snowflakes on the doormat.

 

 

*******

Toki watched Skwisgaar stare blindly out the window of the train to Hamar, hugging the case of his Explorer. The decision to go back to Mordhaus when Toki would fly to Helsinki was his own, but he looked like he might cry if rubbed the wrong way, so Toki kept his mouth shut. He had asked him to come along to Finland, but Skwisgaar had declined without explaining himself further. His pride probably would not allow it. Toki was confused as to why he did not stick around; he would only be gone for the weekend.

Was this the end, then? Were they breaking up in the figurative sense as well as the literal?

Loving was easy, but the finer details of romantic relationships were complicated beyond anything he had ever known. Had Toki been naive to think that a love like theirs could last the ages? He knew his feelings could, but he was not so sure about Skwisgaar anymore.

His dubious conduct during that messy night out with Dethklok spelled trouble, but Toki was willing to overlook that in the grander scheme of things if Skwisgaar could just be honest about it. However, since he was not too eager to bring up the subject himself, he had to reconcile himself with the fact that that was not going to happen. It disappointed him to no end that it had been so short lived.

The moment to say goodbye came way too soon when they both had to head over to different departure halls. Skwisgaar looked so sad and lost with his swimming, electric eyes and red nose that Toki felt sorry for him even if he was doing this to himself. To them. He really could not help being this dumb about their fucked up relationship, could he?

Toki stood on his toes to pluck Skwisgaar's hat from his head and run fingers through his hair. This should not be happening. They had come too far for miscommunication to tear them apart from the inside.

'What kinds of goodbye ams this, Skwisgaar?' He asked bluntly.

'I don'ts know-' Skwisgaar choked out, leaning his head against Toki's hand.

Cradling his sharp cheekbone, Toki pulled his hips close with his other arm.

'Does you want to break up with me, or...? Cause you kinds of look like you's about to.'

'No, I don'ts!' A strangled sob escaped Skwisgaar. 'I loves you, Toki.' He buried his face in Toki's palm.

'Then whats? Why you going away without tellings me why or when we sees each other again?'

'I don'ts wants to lets you go, but I'ms a bad porson whats shoulds stop messings with you. I don'ts want to sees you meet nice new peoples and realise dat I'ms no goods, and I shouldn'ts keep holdings you back.'

The subtle tickle inside his sleeve turned out to be tears leaking down his wrist. Toki swiped at Skwisgaar's cheeks with his thumb, which did not really help with the mess. 

'Skwisgaar, I know this amen'ts easy for you, but you gots to talks to me. I knows you jealous, and a bits of a hypocrites and just a greats big bag of dicks sometime, but I loves you, too, and we can gets past this.' Toki drew his head down for a wet kiss.

'Havings differents work don'ts needs to be the end of the woilds. Besides, I'm just checkings it out. Who ams to says it even plays through?' He said.

'Everybody loves you, Tokis.' Skwisgaar protested.

'Yeah, well, I don'ts love everybodies back, so there you haves it.'

It was going to be his choice, in the end.

Skwisgaar just stared at his boots.

'Ams you comings to Helsinki or whats? Though I warns you if you do; I's going to fuck you into the mattress the moments we get to the hotels.'

'Because you finally wants me again or because you's a sadist whats likes to see me cry?' Skwisgaar's blue irises were more vivid against the bloodshot whites.

'Both.'

Skwisgaar stepped back and ripped his plane ticket to the US into little pieces with a fanatical expression.

'Go pulls youself together, gets cleaned up. I goes to sees if they gots any seats left on the planes.'

Toki slapped his ass in passing as he made a beeline for the Finnair desk.

 

Throwing his duffel bag onto the desk in the hotel room, Toki set his Flying V next to the Explorer against the wall before ordering Skwisgaar to sit on the bed. When Skwisgaar pulled his jumper over his head Toki stopped him.

'I'm not lettings you off the hook just yet. First, you's going to tells me all you remembers of that nights we went out, and don'ts spares the details.' He remained standing himself.

The widening of Skwisgaar's eyes as he looked up at Toki told him enough, but there was a lesson to be learned here.

'I don'ts recalls much, but Ronke tell me I kissed two goils. I remembers gropings one of dem. Ronke... says they was goings to blow me, but I doubts dat happens since I was dat far gones.'

Toki searched his face for more lies, but he seemed sincere this time. It stung that Skwisgaar should choose to mess around so quickly after hooking up with him, but even though Toki had promised to kick his ass if he found out he lied, he could not summon the rage to go through with that.

He sighed, and Skwisgaar flinched. There was an effective way to drive his point home, and he briefly mulled it over. This could backfire horribly, but he trusted his own judge of character enough to risk it.

'Guess I gots no problems with an open relationship if that's whats you needs. It woulds be interesting to mess around a bit mores, especially with my newfound _ability_.' Toki feigned a cheerful enthusiasm about the idea.

The satisfaction of seeing the blood drain from Skwisgaar's face as he undoubtedly imagined Toki fucking other people was almost erotic. He considered asking if Skwisgaar thought Sami was into cock to fuck with his head a bit more, but Skwisgaar already rose to the bait.

'No, I don'ts need dat! I was just beings stupid. I don'ts even know why the fucks I did it.' 

'Then whats do you wants?'

Hearing Skwisgaar say it was imperative.

'I woulds rather be exclusive with you.' He spoke with downcast eyes.

'Do you thinks you can be?' Toki asked him critically. 'Woulds requires a lot of restraints from the biggest sluts in the woilds.'

Skwisgaar had the gall to look offended.

'Then again, I don'ts quetskin your level of dedication when you wants something. Guess we's goings to finds out.'

'Shoulds I take off mine clothes now?' Skwisgaar asked meekly.

'Yes, you shoulds. Takes them off and lie back.' 

Goosebumps formed on Skwisgaar's pale skin as he stripped and lay back on the covers. Fetching lube from his duffel, Toki opened his belt, entertaining a fleeting fantasy of pulling it from the loops and giving Skwisgaar a proper smack with it.

Was the violence ever going to leave his system? That wasn't the way people treated their loved ones, even when they transgressed. The temptation passed, and he left the belt dangling in its place.

Kneeling between his legs, Toki lubed the fingers of one hand before guiding Skwisgaar’s erection to his mouth. He bent to the task of getting Skwisgaar as pliant as possible, because he was not planning on going easy on him. The combined stimulation of hands and mouth had him writhing helplessly before long, and Toki ignored his pleas to go slow, making him come hard and fast in his mouth.

'Woah, I really neededs dat.' Skwisgaar fell back onto the pillows panting loudly, and it was like a dark cloud cover had lifted. 'Thanks you, lilla Toki. Don'ts minds if I falls asleep immediately.'

'As long as you sleeps with you ass in the air,' Toki growled, flipping him onto his stomach. 'but somehow I doubts you'll be sleepings through this.'

Hauling his hips up and shoving his own pants halfway down his thighs, Toki rubbed the excess lube on his dickhead before shoving in. Weakly twitching muscle quickly gave way to a glorious tight slide that had Skwisgaar clawing at the sheets and struggling upright. Toki flattened a palm on his lower back to keep him facedown into the covers, muffling his loud moans.

'Stays down. You's perfect like that.'

His belt buckle rattled with the force of his thrusts, and the recurring thought of bringing the wide strip of leather down on that white ass made him lose his rhythm. Skwisgaar keened unhappily as Toki felt his cock grow harder in the confines of his ass. 

'You feels that?' He moaned. 'Is too much for you?'

'No, I gets used to it.' Skwisgaar replied through gritted teeth. 'Is pretties hot.'

'You wants me to finish?' He playfully dragged out his movements.

'Helvete, gets on with it!'

Toki dug his nails into Skwisgaar's slim hips to suppress the urge to slap his ass, and though it was not as demeaning, it was no less painful by the sound of it. The tortured edge to Skwisgaar's voice brought him a whole new brand of pleasure.

 

'Jävla, Tokis, you think you coulds learns to fuck like a normal porson...?' Skwisgaar complained as he rolled over.

'Not todays.'

He cleaned himself up and checked the time on his phone.

'I'ms going to meet Sami - will you be okay heres?'

'Ja, I'm just goings to take a nap.' Skwisgaar mumbled into the pillow.

'Don'ts forget to eats. Booze amen'ts food.' He shouldered his guitar case.

'You survives on it for a month.'

'Don'ts remember you being too happy abouts that.'

'Fuck off.'

Kissing his hair was apparently as much of a goodbye as he was going to get. 

 

 


	20. I finally feel that I've found my home

Toki had no idea what Sami looked like, but the guy standing outside the studio complex fit his mental image. Straight brown hair that was even longer than Toki's hung messily over the hood of his coat, and a heavy brow shielded his deep-set eyes while he browsed something on the screen of his phone.

'Sami?' Toki asked. 

The guy looked up.

'Tohkii.' He quirked a modest yet genuine smile. 'Naaiceto miityou. Officialyi.'

He mashed the English words together with a heavy Finnish accent, and kept his distance with his hands in his pockets.

Skwisgaar, who had more experience dealing with Fins, had warned Toki not to get too familiar, because that freaked the general populace of Finland out. Without Skwisgaar's warning that had been obvious enough on the short bus ride from the hotel. Even in public transport everyone desperately tried to maintain a personal space bubble five meters in diameter.

'Greats to meets you, too!' Toki took in the large studio complex. 'Ams this where you works?'

'Yeah.' Nothing more was forthcoming.

'Whats kinds of work you does besides you band?'

'Giitaarlessons.'

'Cools.' Toki scratched the back of his head.

'Letsgo insaaide.' Sami nodded to the revolving doors.

They crossed the parking lot in silence since Sami was either shy or not that much of a talker - or both. Looking at the ground, Toki would have expected more snow in Helsinki somehow. Perhaps the months in the mountains warped his expectations a little.

'I always thoughts Finland woulds be a lot colder this times of year.'

'March willbe collder. Getsto about minoos thirtyi here.'

'Wowee. Yeah, that's what I'ms talkings about.'

Sami preceded him into a room at the back of the studios stuffed full of instruments, amps and recording equipment. Behind the drum kit was an older man with wheat-blond hair sticking out from underneath a bandana. He was a force of nature; his playing could wake the dead. He got up when Toki approached, and introduced himself as Antto. Toki liked him immediately. He had a friendly, open face that reminded him of those plush, Berner Sennen dogs. Drummers always reminded him of dogs, somehow. Pickles was a Corgi, Ole a Golden Retriever. 

Toki unpacked his Flying V in the silence that followed. The Fins did not seem to think it uncomfortable, but Toki was a bit more used to band members falling over each other to get the most bullshit in.

'So, Tohkii. Didyou get enoughtaaime to practice de songs I sentyou?' Sami asked while taking a black Ibanez down from the wall.

'Yeah, it's cool. I really likes them, so I played them until Skwisgaar threaten to throw my guitars out the windows.'

'Dats goodto hear.' Sami smiled his quirky smile. 'Do you sing atall?'

'No, I gots a bad voice whats ams no goods for metal. Way too high. I can does an impression of black metal screams whats Nathan says sound like Immortal singings in the shower, but I's no use in that area.'

'Was worthashot. Wantto plleey?' Sami hefted his guitar and flipped his endless hair out of the way.

'Sure! Can'ts promise I'm any goods at this folks metal thing, though. Normally I only plays dark and brutal stuff.'

'Diswillbe brutall, but meebii notsomuch dawrk.' Antto winked at him and twirled a drumstick between his fingers.

Sami was a wholly different person when he played; exuberant and confident, his face splitting into a wide grin whenever Toki caught his eye. He was an amazing guitarist, and it baffled Toki that Skwisgaar had not chosen him as a replacement. Sami practically bounced around the rehearsal space, and Toki tried to keep up as best as he could. Despite the music being folky it was technical as hell, and it did not help that the drummer set a killer pace that was faster than the recordings Toki had listened to. He had trouble keeping the springy element in the music while they shredded, but seeing Sami bounce around helped, and he got into the flow eventually. The second song had a cool harmonic solo, and Sami came to stand next to him, their shoulders brushing. Playing like that forged an instant connection despite their initial awkwardness, and Toki enjoyed himself immensely during the hour they played. 

'Doyou wantto come bawrbeque with us?' Antto asked when they put away their instruments covered in a sheen of sweat.

'Barbeques?' Had he heard that right?

He had, as it turned out, and strange as it seemed to do that in winter, they weren't the only ones on the ferry who had that idea. It sailed to an island called Seurasaari just off the coast of Helsinki, and Toki was amused to see that big stone grills littered the place for this very purpose. It seemed to be a social event more than anything, where guys complained about their lives over cans of beer and grilled sausages. Standing close to the smoking fire while the sun set over the pines in the west was the only thing that kept them from freezing, but knocking back a few beers helped with the perception of the cold.

Sami and Antto got more talkative with some alcohol, and they began comparing notes on who had the most overbearing partner. Antto complained that his wife hated it when he went out like this on the weekends. He claimed that it was the only thing that kept him sane during winter, which seemed to be the general consensus among the men gathered on the island.

'My girlfriend dahs notsupport me atall in my musicallcariir,' Sami countered. 'She madenosiicret of being riillyi happyi dat I didn't get de Dethklok giig.'

'What awre youstill doing with dat giwrl?' Antto shook his head.

'I dontknow, sometaaimes I wiish she would just pack up. But she canbe cioot.' Sami laughed. 

Toki was gnawing on a sausage when they expectantly turned to him. He supposed it was his turn to complain.

'Mine's the sames, except it amen'ts about the musics. Just doesn't wants me to meet new people.' He said around a mouthful of meat. 'Is a real pain. Never mets such a controlling persons in my life.' After swallowing he added: ‘Unsfaithful to boot.’  

Antto laughed and Sami clapped him on the back.

'Whatabunch of pathetic bastawrds we awre. Here's to forgetting ouwr problems.'

Flames glinted off Antto's can of beer in the rapidly falling darkness. 

*******

The impromptu barbeque with the Fins had been fun, but Toki was glad to be returning to the warmth of the studio complex. Sami and Antto were swaying in their tracks as they walked down the street, which was no wonder after the amount of beer they had consumed between them in a short span of time. A loud bang drew Toki's attention, fear abruptly wiping out his good mood.

He located the source of the sound just in time to see debris and body parts rain down in a massive crater. Was it another terrorist attack like the one on Mordhaus years ago? Magnus got up from his chair, pulling Toki along by his arm. They should move, get the fuck out of here.

'Come with me, buddy.'

His instincts said he should find Charles, but he obeyed. Magnus had been such a good pal after the band had split up that Toki followed him, trusting his steady guidance. A stranger helped Abigail as they extracted themselves from fallen chairs. Toki froze as he saw a small army of people who looked like they could be Revengencers climb up from the blast site. They were armed to the teeth and going for the Klokateers pulling guns to launch a counter attack.

It was a massacre; blood and guts spilled everywhere as rifles and shotguns went off and machetes sliced open faces and stomachs alike.

'Toki, you're going to be okay, come with me.'

Magnus' reassuring voice coaxed him away from the senseless violence and death before their eyes.

'Take the lady.' He told the man shielding Abigail.

Guiding him by the elbow, Magnus took Toki to a clearing in the fighting where they were partially obscure by smoke.

'Where's Toki?' Pickles panicked voice suddenly cut through the haze.

'Toki!' Nathan called his name in a hoarse growl.

'Toki!' They shouted again in unison.

Turning to the voices, Toki tried to pull away from Magnus and get to his bandmates, but Magnus tightened his grip on his arm.

'Stay with me, buddy.' He said urgently.

Torn between the relative safety of their vantage point and locating his bandmates, Toki stayed put for the moment. Nathan and Pickles kept calling him, and a gust of wind cleared the air enough for Toki to spot them across the chasm. He could probably get to them if he tried.

When he set another step in their direction Magnus forcefully yanked him close again.

'Stay next to me!'

Why was Magnus holding him back? He just wanted to get to his friends. Charles looked like he was losing against that terrifying metal masked man and his friends were doing nothing - he needed to help. Using more force to wrench his arm free resulted in a fist tangling in his hair.

'Ow, you're hurtings me!' Toki yelped.

Fear and confusion stampeded through him like a herd of wild horses.

'It'll all be over soon.' Magnus crooned into his ear.

What the hell was Magnus playing at? This was not good. Was he willing to lose hair in an attempt to overpower Magnus? Before he could act, Magnus let go of his arm and pulled a knife, raising it in the air. Toki could only stare at its glinting blade, too spooked to struggle anymore. He was going to use it on him. Magnus was going to gut him like an animal.

'Revenge has come!' Magnus crowed triumphantly.

Toki felt the blade enter his side and glance off his ribs with an excruciating pain that sent his body into immediate shock.

'TOKI!' Nathan bellowed as he slumped in Magnus arms, his hot blood gushing down his side.

Arms picked him up and he was being moved, but his vision blacked out rapidly from blood loss.

When he next came back to awareness, there was a wrought iron collar around his neck.

 

*******

Skwisgaar woke up in the dark to his phone shrilling with an incoming call from Toki. It was a little past 10 PM - he had been sleeping for hours.

'Hej baby,' he mumbled sleepily.

'Skwisgaar?'

The panicky voice on the other side did not belong to Toki.

'Who ams dis?' Skwisgaar demanded, sitting up and instantly alert.

'Sami. Sami Luukainen.'

His speaking was slurred. Was he drunk?

'Is it Tokis?' Skwisgaar swung his legs over the side of the bed.

'Yeah-'

There were muffled shouts in the distance, and adrenaline washed through him like a tidal wave.

'I'ms goings to puts you on speakers. Tells me what's wrong.'

He jumped out of bed and began tugging on his clothes as Sami spoke.

'Tohkii's... compliitely friikingaaut.' Sami's rapid breathing made him hard to understand.

'What happens?' Schooling himself to calmness, he wanted to assess the situation properly.

'Idontknow! One miinuute we were wallking down de striit and he just fallstohiskniis and starts scriiming and friiking aaut!'

'Alrights, Sami. I needs you to calms down. Listens, Toki gots PTSD, he havings a flashback. Sometime he get triggered by random shit. Just... gets him off de street. I come gets him.'

'I can't- He's too-' Sami dropped the phone with a clatter and called to someone in Finnish. 'Voitteko auttaa minua!'

Arriving at the studio out of breath, Skwisgaar ran over to the small group of men huddling around Toki's thrashing body in the snow of the parking lot. Toki was clawing at his throat, his nails leaving angry red marks on the exposed skin.

Pushing past the nervous musicians, Skwisgaar knelt at Toki's side and laid a hand on his tormented face. Toki's fist hit him square in his left eye, but he lightly fended off the arm ignored the pain. He had to try to get through to Toki - he had never seen him this bad. Sami Luukainen was hyperventilating behind Skwisgaar, and a buff guy in a ponytail holding a bass guitar pulled his phone out to call a doctor.

'Gives to me a minute, I don'ts think dat wills be necessary.' Skwisgaar stopped him before addressing Toki.

'Toki, is me. Tries to listens to me.' Toki's uncoordinated attempt to push him away fell flat. 'Whats you seeing amen'ts real. Not now, anyways.' He ducked a second swing. 'You gots to stop fightings!' He did not want to restrain Toki for fear of making it worse. 'Du måste sluta slåss, Toki. Snälla.' 

It was not helping. The bassist shoved his instrument at an emaciated blond with remarkably Swedish features and knelt on Toki's other side to restrain his arm.

'We better movehiiminsaaide.' He suggested.

'He wont's wants to be picked up like dis.'

'It's too cold indesnow. I'll grab dis arm.' 

The bassist got a right hook to the jaw for his effort, but together they managed to haul Toki upright without taking any more punches. They dragged his struggling form to the entrance, but halfway the fight went out of him.

'Is okay,' Skwisgaar told his helper, who let go of Toki's arm with a wary look. ‘I gots him.’

Bending at the knees, Skwisgaar picked Toki up with difficulty, but managed to princess-carry him indoors anyway, following Sami to his studio. The gaggle of timid metal musicians filed inside behind them, and the thin blond pulled up a desk chair for Skwisgaar to dump Toki in. With a quiet thanks he knelt in front of Toki, pushing his damp hair out of his face.

'Toki,' he called again, but there was no response.

Staring blindly ahead with wide eyes, Toki remained unmoving. It was taking far too long for Skwisgaar's taste, and he was starting to feel panic bubble up in his gut. Maybe they should call a doctor. He helped Toki out of his coat and lifted him into his lap. With his arms tightly around him, he sang the song he wrote for Toki with a shaking voice, not knowing what else to do.

A man in a bandana quietly passed out beers to the musicians standing around uneasily to see if they could do anything. Looking to Sami for permission, the thin blond sat down behind a dusty piano and spontaneously accompanied Skwisgaar. Despite his panic he managed to appreciate both the gesture and his playing.

When silence fell Toki seemed to breathe a little more regularly, and Skwisgaar hoped it would not be long before he would come back to himself. He addressed the blond pianist over Toki's head.

'Ams you from Sweden?'

'I grews up in Tornio.'

'Dats on de border, rights?'

The guitarist nodded, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

'Skwisgaar,' he introduced himself.

'Jarkko.'

Skwisgaar looked at the other two.

'Antto.' The bandana said. 'I drum in Sami's band.' He added as an explanation as to why he was still there.

'Juhani. I was just gettiing somethiing from my cawr.' The bassist rubbed at his swelling jaw with a tattooed hand.

'Sorry abouts de trouble, dudes. Dis hasn't happeneds in weeks, so I thoughts...' He sighed. 'Tokis shouldn'ts even be allowed outsides.'

Strangely, Antto and Sami shared a badly suppressed smile.

'Anyone got an ideas what sets it off?'

Jarkko fiddled with the ends of his ponytail before speaking up.

'A cars backfireds across de streets...?'

Nodding slowly, Skwisgaar remembered that Toki had not been keen on explosives and pyrotechnics during the tour. It must have reminded him of the funeral.

'So, what's de diil with him?' Juhani asked.

Skwisgaar gave him the same story as he had given Sami, who had drifted off to show Jarkko his guitars.

In the companiable atmosphere that followed, Toki eventually stirred. He raised his hands to his throat to feverishly feel the skin before taking in his surroundings.

'Skwisgaar?' He said hoarsely without lifting his head from his chest.

'Hej, lilla Toki.' Relieved, Skwisgaar placed a kiss on the top of his head. 'Whats you needs?'

'Can I haves some of that?' Toki eyed his beer with a shuddering sigh.

'Fucks no.'

'Fuck you.'

He was going to be alright.

*******

It had been a slow weekend after the events of Friday night, but Skwisgaar had managed to while away the time on Toki's laptop and his guitar as he tried to give Toki space to get what he needed to make an informed decision. Skwisgaar had no doubt that musically this would be a very good opportunity for Toki; Sami's work required every ounce of skill he possessed and could push him to great heights with the right approach.

As far as he could tell both Antto and Sami were nice, easy-going guys who could definitely provide a healthy work environment in which Toki would flourish as a musician, and Skwisgaar silently hated them for it.

Sunday night had him sick with nervous anticipation, and the distraction his guitar offered did not quite cut it. Toki had kept him up to date via text all day, and by the looks of it, he was having an excellent time hanging out and playing with Sami's fledgling band. Tonight they had planned to talk business in the sauna, so at least his waiting would be at an end one way or another. Skwisgaar knew that if he were a better person, he would find it in him to be happy for Toki, but realistically speaking he would be crushed if Toki decided to move to Helsinki.

For that reason he had just offered his body and not his opinion when Toki had come back sloppy and laughing to himself last night. It was out of his hands, and though it took a lot out of him to let it go, he could at least try for Toki's sake.

Skwisgaar heard him fiddle with the key card on the other side of the door and suppressed a wave of nausea as he put away his Explorer. Toki's grave expression as he approached the bed and leaned over Skwisgaar to kiss him had his heart pounding in his throat.

'How dids it go?' He said hoarsely.

Toki tossed his parka on a chair and sat down on the edge of the bed.

'Well, it beens a great weekends, and it mades me realise some important things.' Toki pulled off his boots.

Skwisgaar waited for him to continue with pooling dread.

'No matters how cools this opportunity ams, I can'ts start a new life over here with no supports. I don’ts gots enough power to invests in meaningful relationships with all these reclusive guys when I needs peoples arounds whats knows what I been through, like you and my mums, and Charles.'

'Oh, Tokis,' he put an arm around him, 'ams you very diskapointed abouts dat?'

Instead of the relief he would have expected he felt something akin to pity that this was holding Toki back.

'Yeah, I's kind of bummed out. But I can alreadies see how this am goings to play out it I goes through with it. These guys only talks when they drunks. Is goings to be very lonelies.'

'What dids you tell them?'

'The truth.' Toki shrugged. 'This haves everythings to do with the place I'ms in rights now, not with thems musics or anythings.'

'How dids Sami take it?'

'He was also a bits diskapointed, but I expects he won'ts have any troubles assemblings the rest of hims bands.' Toki managed a small smile. 'He was already talkings with that bass players from Fridays.'

Lacing his fingers through Toki's, Skwisgaar kissed the back of his hand.

'Sorry it didn'ts pan out.'

Surprisingly, he genuinely felt sorry for Toki, however much he had feared losing him to the Fins.

'Now whats? Back to Norway?'

Skwisgaar did not mention the other decision that was due soon. Toki knew that just as well.

 

As per Toki's request, they ended up taking the scenic route back across the sea the next day. Toki relied heavily on him to pick the series of ferries that would take them to Oslo. He knew no Finnish, and his understanding of Swedish was elementary at best, but Skwisgaar never did mind knowing things better.

Watching the sun set over the open sea before them as they left the islands dotting Finland's coastline behind, Toki stuffed a hand in Skwisgaar's back pocket and leaned his head on his shoulder.

'I really wouldn'ts mind stayings in the north. Is a goods place to live.' Toki commented.

It was bitterly cold out at sea, but the tranquil beauty of their home countries was undeniable. He remembered the journey to Stockholm when he left his mother's house in Kiruna all those years ago. It had been a period of stress and grief, but the beauty of each of the provinces he passed through as he travelled down from the frozen realm of Norrbotten all the way to Uppland remained etched in his mind.

'Huh, ja.’ Skwisgaar agreed. ‘I always sees myself endings up here, too. Maybes not at dis points in time, though. I gots unfinished works in de US, and Mordhaus ams a pretty greats place, too. I amen'ts done with Dethklok, and I still gots so much musics in me whats needs to come out.'

Toki gave a non-committal hum.

'So do you,' Skwisgaar told him, looking into his pale eyes, 'and I thinks you know it.'  

 

*******

Toki looked sad when he came back from visiting his mother in the gloom of early afternoon. Skwisgaar didn't ask, but stripped his formal clothes off him under a rain of slow kisses and took him to bed. Toki's face was different in a braid than with his hair loose; younger, in a way. Or maybe it was just his demeanour whenever he revisited his youth with his mother that took the years off him, Skwisgaar could not tell for sure.

It was cold in bed, and he pulled Toki's warm body on top of him, relishing in his unmoveable strength and the feel of firm muscle rippling under his skin as Toki petted his hair. They kissed unhurriedly, with Toki's warm breath on his cheek and Skwisgaar breathing in the occasional space between their lips as Toki's closeness smushed his nose. He did not particularly care if this was going anywhere, but he spread his legs invitingly when he felt Toki's cock swell against his inner thigh.

Latching on to the sensitive skin of his neck with his lips, Toki shifted to rub the head of his cock against his entrance with a little noise that made his blood scorch in his lower body. Skwisgaar canted his hips to allow him better access while feeling for the lube that had to be somewhere among the pillows.

Gasping softly into the crook of Skwisgaar's neck, Toki was gentle for once as he entered him. Skwisgaar ran his hands over Toki's wide shoulders and back as he rocked into him, memorising the rise and fall of his movements.

The thought of having to give this up for longer periods of time in the near future gave his touch a desperate edge. He tried not to think about the impending deadline, but it was looming so close.

'Skwisgaar,' Toki gasped, 'Skwisgaar, eg trenger deg.'

He did not have to guess what Toki meant.

'Jag är här, Toki. Jag är här för dig, alltid.'

When Toki rolled onto the pillow next to him and pushed the covers down where their sweaty skin touched, he suddenly spoke up.

'Wills you starts sleepings in you own bed again when we gets back to Mordhaus?'

'Unless you buys a bigger beds.' Skwisgaar replied without thinking.

'Yeah, sures.'

'Whats you means, 'sures'?'

He sat up to fix Toki with a stare.

'I... just saids goodbye to my mums.'

'Toki!' He gasped as the joy that engulfed him warred with indignation at Toki's secrecy.

An guileless smile played across Toki's lips as they stared each other down. Skwisgaar grabbed a pillow and brought it down on Toki's head repeatedly with all the force he could muster.

'Why didn'ts you tells me, you dildos? How long haves you known?'

'Since we talksed on the boats!' Toki laughed as he shielded his head with his arms.

'You lets me suffers for a weeks longers than necessary? Vad fan, din rövhål?! Jävla helveta! You fuckings kukhuvud!' He punctuated each insult by hitting Toki in the face with the pillow. 'Inte ens din mamma gillar dig!' 

Shrieking with laughter, Toki eventually knocked the pillow out of his hands and enveloped him in a crushing hug.

'I thoughts you woulds be more happies,' he crooned into Skwisgaar's ear.

’Jag hatar dig, din jävla kuksugare.' He laughed, elation suffusing his limbs.

'Eg elsker deg også.' Toki said with a shit-eating grin and a kiss on his nose.

 

 

 


	21. Darkness and Frost: Epilogue

After a crazy couple of days in which Toki settled his affairs in Norway, Ronke and Ole came to see him and Skwisgaar off at the airport.

'Adjø, Toki. Try to make the new Dethklok album suck less than the previous one and I might even sell it at my shop.' Ronke deadpanned as they shook hands.

'I don't think you boycotting the album is going to make much of a dent in the sales, because it's going to be pure genius. But keep telling yourself that.' Toki grinned.

Ole favoured him with a hug that left a smear of black and white corpse paint on his parka, and he laughed as Ole tried to rub it off with his hands.

'Will you come back when you have time, Toki? Jeg kommer til å savne deg!'

'I'm going to miss you, too Ole. I'll try, alright? Can you do me a favour and look after my car in the meantime?' He tossed Ole the keys.

'Gjerne!' Ole stuffed them in his pockets with a grin and went in to hug Skwisgaar, who patted him stiffly on the back but managed a small smile regardless.

'Guess whats, Tokis, I mights even comes along next time you goes to Norway to sees you dildo friends.' Skwisgaar said as they queued in front of the gate an hour later.

'They kinds of grows on you, don'ts they?'

'I meants for de opportunities to has noisy sex in an unsolated cabins.' Skwisgaar said under his breath.

Toki hushed him with a nudge and a badly suppressed giggle.

With the weight of his decisions lifted from his shoulders, Toki was carefully starting to look forward to homecoming at Mordhaus. It was probably not always going to be easy, but he was slowly starting to feel better about his life and the world as he rediscovered the good in other people, and by extent, himself. He had good hope that he could keep a better handle on his issues with help from his loved ones.

 

'Well, well, if it ischn't the Nordic homosch,' Murderface slurred cheerfully as Toki and Skwisgaar entered Mordhaus through the big double doors, flanked by Charles and a handful of Klokateers. 

'Dø med en hestkuk i munnen, Moidaface!' Toki flipped him off with aggression disguised as good humour.

At his side, Skwisgaar unconvincingly covered up his bark of laughter as a cough. Slinging an arm around him and kissing the top of his head, Skwisgaar simultaneously de-escalated Toki's violent flare up and rendered their bandmate speechless.

The rest of the band approached them.

'Welcome behck, doods!' Pickles hefted a celebratory bottle of champagne to his lips. 'Oh, Nath'n, give 'im the thing!'

'We, uh, got you a little welcome back gift.' Nathan took a box from a Klokateer and gruffly thrust it at Toki.

It was a little heavier than he expected, and it _squirmed_.

'Cools- wowee!' Toki lifted the loose lid and peered in when the box moved of its own volition.

Skwisgaar sidled up to look over his shoulder when he squealed in delight. There was a pair of blue eyed kittens staring up at him; a black Norwegian forest cat and an equally fluffy white Birman. He gently cradled them in his hands while Skwisgaar held the box for him. Feeling their soft fur against his skin made him melt.

'We couldn't pick, so we got you both...' Nathan said.

'This make Toki real happy, thanks guys!' Toki exclaimed. 'Looks at them, Skwisgaar!' He held them up to his face. 

'Dat ams adorables, Toki. What's you goings to names dem?'

Toki considered a moment, appraising both kittens.

'Darkness,' He decided as he hefted the black kitten, 'and Frost. To reminds me of my times in Norway.'

A chorus of 'Brutal' was all it took to make him feel like he found his home again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with me, dear readers. I'm very grateful for your continued support in the form of lovely messages, comments and kudos. I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it despite all the pain I've caused. It's been a wonderful experience!
> 
> If you loved this, be sure to check out my original work From The Heights, about Norwegian metalhead Espen and his awful brothers here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/8110039/chapters/18586978


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